“It Seems to me some fine things have been laid upon your table. But you always want the things that you can’t have” (From the Eagles song “Desperado” 1971)

Recently, I experienced extreme disappointment when life did not unfold the way I had hoped.  Lets be honest here.  I did not only hope a particular outcome would occur.  I expected it.  I counted on it.  In retrospect, how arrogant am I anyway? Life does not revolve around me.

For several days I was quite inconsolable.  I was angry. I pretty much shut myself off from everyone. Then when I awoke one morning, I heard the above referenced refrain from the Eagles song “Desperado”  singing itself within my mind. I thought about “all of the fine things” that had been laid upon my table and I began to realize how rich and full the life that I have actually is.  Why could I not remember all the “good” when I was feeling this disappointment?

For me, the meaning of the Eagles song has to do with the way we often shut ourselves off and blame an “unfair” world when life does not conform to the way we would like it to be…or the way we think it should be.  From this place of anger, our hearts will also shut down.  We can become emotionally unavailable to ourselves and to others.  We can grow emotionally numb.  I understand this. It’s a defensive posture wherein we are trying to somehow keep ourselves safe and untouchable.  It doesn’t work.  In the Eagles song, the “desperado” is in fact desperate for love at the same time he has shut himself off from the possibility of receiving it. I also relate to the following line in the song:  “You better let somebody love you before it’s too late”. When you decide to remain in a negative and hopeless/helpless “all is lost” mindset for a period of time, people will cease to be around you.  It’s just the way it works.

So what is the answer here?

I have come to believe that the answer begins with acknowledging our grief.  In my case I needed to grieve that the world I thought I lived in did not in fact exist.  I have to take some responsibility for this.  Maybe the evidence was there to suggest that life would not unfold in the way I wanted. I ignored this evidence. It’s humbling for me to admit this, but its also cleansing because I know what I need to forgive myself for  

I’m working on the next step right now.  Its time to open my heart up once again, and be grateful for the things I know I can count on.  These things include my family, my friends, my work, and my purpose in life more broadly. I have to believe everything will be ok in the end and its time to re engage in whatever I can do to make the world a better place.

Having Trouble With Difficult Emotions That Keep Getting “Triggered”?

Try The Practice Of Mindful Self Inquiry

Once in awhile we all have the experience of “reacting” to something in a way that feels “over the top” in the sense that we later regret how strongly we reacted. This happens because we have an “internal trigger  mechanism” within our nervous system that recognizes certain words, actions, or circumstances as being somehow “threatening. “to us.  When we are threatened we act quickly and decisively to eliminate the threat, but sometimes what seems like a threat is not actually a threat.  A good example would be if we once experienced a dog bite, and now we cower with fear when we see a dog.  It also happens in interpersonal situations when we interact with someone, or something, and it reminds us of something in the past that scared or threatened us.  Even if we don’t consciously remember what happened, the body remembers, and it does what it needs to do to keep us safe.

So, what can we do when our emotions effectively “hijack” our behavior in a way that is “over determined” and not really “justified” by the event we are witnessing or experiencing?  How can we “tame” our “trigger” so that we don’t overreact?  

Buddhist mediation practice gives us a “tool” to deal with this exact circumstance.  Here are the steps to take:

• First recognize and name feeling you are feeling. If it is fear for example, you can say to yourself “I’m feeling fear” and maybe note that your breathing is rapid, or you palms are sweating
• After silently naming what you are feeling, adopt a compassionate attitude towards yourself. Simply put, just accept what you are feeling without judgment.  It simply is.
• Thirdly, once you have calmed yourself down, and rid yourself of judgment, take some time to investigate what is actually going on. In the case of the dog, for example, you could quickly conclude that the dog is not a threat to you.  It is not attacking you or even approaching you.
• Final step is to nurture yourself, which means to say compassionate words to yourself that are soothing and affirmative.  Using the example of the dog, you might say to yourself, quietly, “Well of course I was scared. It makes sense. But I don’t need to be scared now”.

It’s really as simple as that.

This four-step process can be turned into the acronym “RAIN”, which is an easy way to remember it.

R….Recognize and name what you are feeling

A…Accept what you are feeling without judgment

I….Investigate what you are feeling.  Is it justified?

N…Nurture yourself with soothing words and/or gestures

You may wonder if there is always enough time to employ this process when you feel inappropriately “triggered”.  I think if you practice it enough you will train your nervous system to discriminate a threat that is real from one that is not. 

You might also add a note of thanks to your nervous system as you recognize that it is always looking out for you.  It knows intuitively when to send you a “red flag” of possible danger.  Its up to you to interpret what it is trying to tell you.

Human beings are a thinking species.  The quality of having a brain that can accomplish marvelous feats, solve difficult problems, and communicate with others, is truly an amazing thing.  As humans, we are set apart from other living species because of our ability to do this “thinking” thing. 

I would argue, however, that our brains can also get us into a lot of trouble and cause us a lot of emotional distress.

Why is this?

Neuroscience offers an answer that is not only fascinating but also gives us a way to bring our minds under control when it feels as though we can’t stop thinking about the things that we don’t want to think about. Our minds do this to us right?  Sometimes we find ourselves with unwanted, unhelpful thoughts that bring us fear and anxiety.  These thoughts seem to have a “mind of their own” and can thus be labeled as “automatic” thoughts.”

What I am describing above is the process of “catastrophizing”.  It is also known as “what if” thinking, because new thoughts keep arising that begin with the two words “what if”.  For example, maybe I come down with a cold.  I get scared and I think, “what if its covid?” What if I can’t go on that trip I planned?” “What if I never get better?”

None of these thoughts are true..right? At least none are true in the moment.  The problem is that they feel true to me. I can actually convince myself that all those thoughts are true.  Now I feel depressed and hopeless.

So, back to neuroscience, it teaches us that the human brain has many neural networks that come into play at various times. When we are deep into the flow of tackling a problem, accomplishing a physical feat, or doing our math homework…the brain employs its regular networks. This is especially true if we are engaged in doing something we love…or at least something we do well and brings us pleasure.

The problem comes in when we are flooded with thoughts that are related to ourselves and our ability to stay “safe” in any given situation.  For example, If we see something, and our minds tell us it could be a snake, or if we become unsure of ourselves in a particular interpersonal situation, the “fight/flight” default network comes online.  We may panic a  bit, and our minds may become over reactive.  We become afraid, even if the “snake” turns out to be a piece of rope. 

Evolutionarily speaking, the default network that registers “danger” in certain situations makes a lot of sense. There are times when we need the adrenaline to get our bodies to mobilize quickly

In our modern world, however, the neural network that produces the thoughts that cause fear, has become “over determined”.  A motorist who “cuts us off” does not represent any danger to us even though it feels this way. It feels as though being late for an appointment is somehow a dangerous or threatening thing. In truth, it is not. 

There are things you can do to quiet down your active mind, and help you see things realistically.  Here are some steps you can follow:

• When you first have the thought that you may be in danger, say to yourself several times, “I’m having a thought.  It’s just a thought.  It’s not automatically the truth.
• If you can take a moment to disrupt the thought by merely questioning it, you are already ahead of the game.
• Ask yourself, “Is it possible that there is no danger here?  How do I know for sure that there is danger? 
• Take a a deep breath and then take a moment to evaluate the evidence of true danger.  Now make an informed decision.
•  

If you can  just take the time to “slow down” your overactive nervous system and bring your calm and collected self  online, you will be able to discern weather or not you need to take action quickly to avert danger.

Trust yourself. 

You got this.

Mindfulness meditation practices aim to teach the meditator how to accept the reality of “what is” rather than engaging in the  fruitless practice of “wishing” things could be different.  Achieving a high level of acceptance is especially difficult when life seems particularly “unfair”.  We all struggle with this.  Its human nature, after all, to envision the way we would like things to unfold. We hold expectations, which are often unconscious, about the way the world “should” be and we sometimes waste a lot of energy on the negative emotions of resentment, disappointment and anger.  Alternatively, we may try to deny certain difficult realities or “escape” from uncomfortable feelings through the use of substances or other addictions.

Mindfulness practice offers another way to confront and metabolize our unwanted circumstances and difficult feelings. During a guided meditation we are encouraged to actually “feel” the way we do, and allow that feeling to land in our body.  Over time the meditator learns that his/her feelings are valid but they do not need to be overwhelming.  In fact, much of the suffering of anxiety is because we resist the way we really feel.  In the words of Carl Jung, “what you resist persists”. If you allow the feeling it will usually fade over time.  This may seems counterintuitive but it is true.  As humans, we are actually more flexible and adaptive than we think.  We do get over things and we are capable of growth….even growth after trauma.

It is a common fallacy that the principle of “acceptance” means that one should be passive when life is unfair or unjust…to us or to others.  There are times when action is called for and actions can be effective and healing.  The trick is to know the difference between the things we can change, and the things we can’t. For example, I can’t change my height or my inheritance of certain genetic traits.  Most importantly, I can’t directly change the people in my life.  I may be able to influence them, but that is no guarantee that they will “change” in the way I like. 

Whenever I am up against the dilemma of figuring out if I can change something I don’t like….I remember “The Serenity Prayer”, one of the great gifts of the Alcoholics Anonymous movement.  People with substance abuse problems have often chosen to anesthetize themselves against difficult feelings, so that when they get sober a lot of feelings can surface.  It can be overwhelming to work through these feelings and to figure out how to lead a sober life.  The serenity prayer helps with this process., It can help all of us.  It goes like this: 

God give me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The Courage to change the things I can

And the Wisdom to know the difference.

This prayer is simple and yet profound.  I hope it can help you the way it has helped me

I think we can all agree that the “information” environment surrounding us is a bit overwhelming.  This is especially true since the advent of the Internet and “smart” mobile devices.   Information about the state of the world is literally bombarding us 24/7.  Social media  “friends” and “influencers” who constantly offer persuasive arguments about how we should think and/or feel compound our confusion.  

In the midst of this do you sometimes find yourself to be in a state of inner confusion? Do you ever wonder how you actually feel about everything…about anything?  I’d like to share with you a simple process for sorting through all the “noise” and finding your own unique answers to these questions. It is a process of self-discovery involving you and only you, and it only requires that you spend some consistent quality time with yourself.  Here’s how it works:

• Set aside time where you can be by yourself with no distractions…this includes putting away phones and other devices that will demand your attention
• Make yourself completely comfortable and available for what will be a short meditation period…whatever works for you in this regard
• Now, close your eyes and set your imagination to work on creating a short video of yourself as this confused and overwhelmed person who is bombarded by conflicting voices and does not know what to think. Imagine the “dialog” that might occur with these conflicting opinions. When you use your imagination this way, you are creating your own “inner” observer…or “witness” if you like. As the “witness” you can create a third “voice” that asks for guidance to understand what is true for you.  You can also ask for guidance from trusted sources that you have relied on throughout your lifetime. That guidance is still there…hidden in your memory.  Simply be curious about what your “guides” might say.
• At this point just wait for some answers to “well up” from your deeper consciousness.  The answers are there, if you allow them to surface.  Keeping a journal can be really important too. because sometimes there is a delayed effect of engaging in this inner inquiry.  While you are engaging in your daily activities, you may have a moment of insight or epiphany.  Don’t let these moments go.  Write it down. We often have answers come to us so fleetingly that we forget what we know and who we are.

• Don’t forget.  Be open to the answers that may come at the most inopportune moment

In closing I remember well a phrase that guided me often as I struggled through early adulthood and wondered who I was and where I belonged.  The phrase is the following simple but profound

“All the answers you seek are within yourself”

I believe this more now than ever before, but I just need to “pay attention “and ask the question. This will work for you too.

In the field of human neurobiology, there is plenty of evidence to suggest that a dedicated meditation practice can really help with the chronic anxiety that many of us feel. Meditation calms and focuses the mind and helps regulate our emotions so that we don’t unnecessarily throw ourselves into a panic.  Insidiously, our anxiety often emerges because we fear that something will happen….when in fact nothing at all has happened yet.  Often the dreaded event never happens at all, but the rush of cortisone and adrenaline that floods our body in anticipation of this terrible thing takes a toll on the nervous system.  Also…it just doesn’t feel good.  People who meditate regularly report that they are able to deal with stress, fear, and uncertainty with much less reactivity. The lessened “reactivity” also allows for much better problem solving if there is an emergency situation

A less well-known kind of meditation is called “Loving Kindness” meditation.  In more standard meditations you might focus on calming your body and mind and following your breath.  In contrast, Loving-kindness meditations are guided meditations, where you simply listen to a soothing voice speaking kind affirmations about your inherent worth, or your basic kindness.  The voice might also urge you to forgive yourself for your imperfections or the times you were not at your best. The message is essentially, you are really ok.  There is nothing wrong with you.

Adding a “Loving Kindness” meditation to an ongoing practice will help you to respond to yourself with love and self-compassion whenever you have a thought that you have failed, or you are not “good enough”.  You have in effect “preloaded” your mind with positivity about yourself, and “habituated your negative thoughts to expect, and get, a kind response”…from YOU.

So, “inner critic”…you need to step aside.  Next time you try to tell me that I’m “bad” or “stupid” because I’m not perfect and have made a mistake. .. know that I will be listening to a different voice…a kind and forgiving voice and it’s getting louder.  Soon I will not hear you at all.

I just got back from a two-week vacation.  Overall, the time away was good…but it was not perfect.  This is how it always goes.  Some expectations I had were not realized, a few minor “crisis” moments occurred, and there were a few unexpected “magical” moments as well.

Upon my return it occurred to me that my vacation was emblematic of how life is.  As our lives unfold things often don’t go “as planned”.  We rail against this reality of course, claiming that things “should” go the way we have envisioned them.  We also compare our lives to those of others….wondering why others seem to achieve the things that elude us.

The solution to this self-imposed feeling that life can be “unfair” is simple…and yet often difficult to accept.  We must somehow embrace the mindset of “being ok with what is”. Its no good to “wish” it weren’t so.  That endeavor is a waste of time and gets you nowhere.

Here are a few ideas that might help get us into the mindset of acceptance:

• Know that whatever is going on right now will not go on forever.  “This too shall pass” can be a helpful mantra during times of difficulty
• Know also that what may seem negative and difficult in this moment may be leading the way for something even better than what we can imagine right now.  It helps to recall times in our lives when something seemingly negative did exactly this.
• Know also that the experiences where we regret something we may have done are opportunities to learn lessons.  That is after all what life is all about.
• We should really get “over” ourselves. None of us is actually so special that we can expect life to be easy and trouble free. It’s also true that we should forgive ourselves when we can see that some of our difficulties are in fact self-created.  Knowing this means that we can employ the “lessons learned” adage and try to do better next time.

Above all, its important to remember that life is short and none of us knows for sure how much of it is ahead of us.  This becomes more and more true the older you get.

So….I now say to myself as well as to you…learn from your past, forgive yourself and others, and then just “let go” into a future that gives all of us new opportunities every day.

Most of us have had experiences we think of as “traumatic”.  Sometimes our experience is truly catastrophic such as a natural disaster or the unexpected, sudden death of a loved one.  Other times are not quite so traumatic, like our best friend leaving town, or not getting the job we really wanted.  Either way, going through trauma can be a blow to our nervous system.  We have strong feelings that can be difficult to understand and even more difficult to deal with.  In these moments, it can be very tempting to “escape” from our “bad” feelings by “pushing them down, denying their existence, or employing substances to numb ourselves.  

I’d like to suggest a better way.  Instead of finding a way to pretend you are “fine” when in fact you are not, why not see your “feeling” as a “messenger” of sorts. What is the message?  What is the “meaning” of the message? Well, that depends upon the feeling that arises in reaction to the trauma. This brings me to the first step in working through difficult emotions and decoding their meaning.

STEP ONE:  NAME THAT FEELING

When we experience “trauma” weather big or small we may be confused and overwhelmed by what we feel.  At the most basic level, we know that we feel “bad”.  We are not having a “good feeling”.  Just knowing that we feel “bad”, however, does not help us to know what to do next. In the circumstance where our best friend is leaving, for example, if we really take the time to analyze our feeling, we may discover that we are actually “afraid” of being without our friend. We may be afraid we will never have another friend and we will be lonely all our lives. This is, of course a very simple example but it is illustrative. The message to pay attention to is that it is important to have friends.  Perhaps we can find ways to stay connected to this friend, as well as making new friends.

CLAIM THAT FEELING

Once you know what you are feeling, do not hesitate to claim it as your own and honor the messenger that brought you this important information.  Feelings are messengers from deep within our psyche that always tell the truth and give us the information we need to learn and grow in a complicated world.  We can credit the emotion of “fear” for example, for letting us know that we are in danger. It’s a beautifully designed warning system. Similarly, when we feel anger, say in response to being treated unfairly, the message is that we need to be more assertive…to stand up for ourselves

TAME THAT FEELING

The problem with overwhelming feelings is that they can overtake us and sometimes render us almost frozen into inaction.  We may know the feeling and honor it as legitimate, but still feel that it is ruling us, rather than the other way around.  In this situation, “taming” our feeling means “turning towards” it with love and self compassion and practicing radical self care in such a way that you are “re parenting” yourself by soothing self talk…never harsh.  It means cutting yourself a break if you need to take “me” time to just feel what you are feeling…knowing that it will not be forever.

And that’s the best part about feeling bad feelings.  It may seem trite but it’s actually true.  This too shall pass.

If you have ever felt intensely jealous of someone who has something, (or someone) that you want, you are probably familiar with your “shadow”.  This is especially true if you battle within yourself about your feelings.  You may, for example, tell yourself that you “shouldn’t” feel this way. Why can’t you be “happy” about the good fortune of someone who you consider to be a good friend?  The answer to this question pertains directly to the concept of the “shadow”

The famous psychologist Carl Jung came up with the concept of the “shadow” to refer to parts of ourselves that we wish we did not have, and indeed we sometimes deny that we do have.  Many of us like to believe that we don’t harbor ill feelings about anybody.  We are good people who don’t have those more “negative” emotions like anger, rage, hatred, resentment, or jealousy.  So what do we do when we feel these so-called “negative” emotions?  One way to deal with these uncomfortable feelings is to just “disown” them, or as Jung would say, we relegate them to our “shadow” self.  The tricky part is that when we put a feeling into our “shadow” self it may be temporarily blocked from our consciousness…but it doesn’t go away.  The feeling is just below the surface, lying in wait so to speak so that when a circumstance triggers the feeling it will come back…. sometimes with new strength and intensity like a pressure cooker that suddenly lets off steam. I would argue that this is what happened in the example I gave of feeling intense feelings of jealousy with the good fortune of a friend. We repressed this feeling when it came up before, and now it’s coming up with a vengeance. It never really went away.

Evolutionarily, it makes sense that human beings are provided with a whole range of emotions.  If we want to survive we need to feel fear and anger to deal with a world that can be scary and threatening.  We need that cortisol and adrenalin.  We need these feelings to trigger the fight/flight/freeze response that may save our life. 

Modern life is not the same as it was for our ancestors though.  The “threats” we feel now are much more likely to be interpersonal, rather than physical like an attack from a wild animal. To the modern mind, someone “getting” something we want, may not directly threaten our physical “life”, but it feels that way internally…. as though there are only so many resources and if someone gets them…we won’t. “I will lose this competitive game of survival”.  That’s how it feels. 

So, now that we know about the existence of our “shadow self”, what can we do?  How do we understand it, harness it, or even “dance” with it in such a way as to be a more conscious, deliberate, and intentional person?

First thing is to admit that we have a shadow and recognize when it shows up.  Rather than recoil from negative feelings, try welcoming them as a bearer of important information.  What is the message?  What are they trying to tell us?  Be curious, rather than fearful.

Once you become conscious of your shadow self, you will begin to see a pattern of when it shows up over the course of your life.  In the example of jealousy, the pattern may be an ongoing longing for what another person has.  Is there something to learn from this person about how to get it?

Here is where the “dance” part of this analogy comes in. The difficult part with emotions is that they may “lead us” to do or say things we will later regret.  This is when the emotions themselves are in the “lead” position in this partner dance.

What if, instead, our curious calmer self starts an inquiry with the uncomfortable feeling.  Our calmer self is now taking the lead.  Slow down, it says, speak to me.  What are you trying to tell me?  I will listen to you but I get to decide what to do with the information you give me.

In my experience the “shadow dance” creates a kind of emotional alchemy, which transforms so-called “negative” emotions into positive, assertive, self-affirming action.  When emotions are strong they have energy, so you can use this energy to create a positive action plan.

Isn’t this better than just pushing that emotion back down into the shadow self where it sits and stews and finds a way to erupt at the worst possible time? 

Next time, when you catch your shadow welcome it and dance with it.

The older you become the more you realize that losing loved ones is an inevitable part of life.  Some losses are more difficult than others, however.  When you lose someone unexpectedly, weather through violence, or simply when you feel they are “too young” to die, the loss is much harder to accept. 

If you find yourself unable to “move on” after you have lost someone particularly near and dear to you, take heart.  You are not alone.  Western culture sometimes sends the message that we “should be able to get over this”.  Very limited bereavement leave is the norm for most jobs…. as though a few days is all you need for proper grieving.

The truth is that everyone experiences grief differently and on a different timetable.  There is no set formula for how to grieve and how long it should take. However there are some things that you can do to come to a more accepting and peaceful place in your own heart and mind.  Grief researchers offer the following tips for working through grief:

• Make sure you have plenty of support from family and friends.  Allow them to nurture you and take care of you.  Your energy will feel completely drained by the experience of loss.
• It’s important that you have the chance to tell the story of the “event” that led to the loss.  How did you find out? Did you get that “phone call” that we all dread in the middle of the night? Were you at the bedside of someone with a terminal illness?”  Your memory is forming an important narrative of an event that may have completely altered your life.  As much as possible, you need to understand it, so you can begin to make “meaning” of it.
• “Meaning making” is perhaps the most important task inherent in grieving.  If someone dies when they have lived a long life…. the “meaning” of this event is much easier to accept. No one lives forever.  The challenge is how to make “meaning” in the case of the unexpected and “unfair” death.  Grief experts tell us that it’s important to explore within ourselves how the lost loved one enriched our life, as well as the life of others.  Additionally, it can be important to look at “unfinished business” we may have interpersonally with the one who has died.  What remained unsaid?  What needed to be forgiven? 
• An important concept to consider is that although a person is no longer with us in a concrete “corporeal” sense, the relationship we have with that person has not died.  It lives on in our mind and heart and thus must be attended to.
• So how do we attend to a relationship within us?  We write the letter that attempts to “finish” the business.  The letter does not need to be sent.  Or, we engage in the dialog we wished we had. We imagine the responses we might have gotten from the lost loved one.
• Last but not least, it’s important to continue to weave your lost love one into stories you tell to others…not obsessively but very naturally.

It does get better, but everyone has his or her own timetable.  There will come a time that your memories give you more pleasure than pain.  That’s when you know you are successfully working through your grief.