Monthly Archives: November 2017

The Importance of Gratitude

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It’s Thanksgiving season. What better time could there be to take a look at the concept of Gratitude in our everyday lives?  Should we not feel gratitude at other times of the year as well?

Thinking about my relationship to Gratitude, I realize that I’m always vaguely aware that I have much in my life to be grateful for. When pressed—I can enumerate many “blessings” I enjoy every day.  The reality is, though, that much of the time my awareness is way more focused on the ways in which I’m not content.  Things are not right.  Things are not exactly as I would like them.  Thinking about this makes me “grumpy”.  At my “grumpiest”, I’m in a “bad” mood and I tend to push people away because they grow tired of my complaints.  I can’t blame people for this, but it makes me feel sad and alone.  Inwardly, I complain even more…about this.

I refer to the above as my “downward spiral”.  Negative thinking and a negative attitude have no “upside” for me.  In fact what I have done in these instances is to dig myself into a self-perpetuating negative hole…that can sometimes be hard to dig myself out of.

In contrast to the “downward spiral” of negativity I often feel, I know that when I remember to begin each morning with at least one thing I’m grateful for, the trajectory of my mood takes a very different path. As if by magic, when I notice or remember one thing that is positive and joyful….I see more and more things that fit this description.  The key is that I have to consciously direct myself to notice small miracles all around me.  They were there the whole time, of course, but I’m choosing now to see them.

So now…. I’m in an “upward spiral”.  It feels physically better.  People are attracted to this energy and I feel connected to the world in a way that brings me further joy and contentment.

It seems to me that the way gratitude operates is a great example of how each of us is actually capable of creating the reality that we live in.  By this I don’t mean that we should be “in denial” about all of the random unfortunate events that happen to us all.  These events are real.  What I mean is that bringing gratitude into the forefront of our thinking can help create the resilience that helps us all through times of deep despair.

Isn’t there always something to be grateful for?

That’s the place to start.

“An attitude of gratitude” will create a better world for us all to live in.

Guaranteed

 

 

 

If I’m in a Relationship Why Am I Still So Lonely?

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There is a myth out there that people who check their Facebook status “In A Relationship” and/or people who have zillions of Facebook “friends” must not be lonely.  Not so.  The reality is, I believe, that many people surround themselves with friends and are in fact in a relationship, and yet they feel there is something “missing” from all of these friendships and relationships.

What Is Missing?

 When I google the definition of “friendship” I find a variety of synonyms for the word “friendship”.  Most significantly I see the words “affinity”, “rapport”, “closeness”, “understanding”, “unity”, “empathy with another”, and a “state of mutual trust and support”.

These synonyms make sense to me.  I don’t have a boatload of true and lasting friendships, but the ones I do have embody most of the qualities of friendship I see in this definition.  When a friendship doesn’t “work out” for me its usually because some of these qualities are “missing”.  Usually I decide to release a friendship from my life when my trust has been violated.  Or, even more commonly, I see a pattern in a relationship that shows me that someone is simply unable to “show up” for me.  Promises are made, but they are not kept.

So, How Does This Relate To Loneliness?

 I’ve come to believe through observations in my own life, and observations in my psychotherapy practice that profound loneliness occurs when we have no one who truly knows and accepts us and can listen to us and be with us at the deepest level.  I’m not talking about superficial friendships here. Related to this idea, when we lose someone with whom we had a very deep connection, the loneliness can almost be our undoing.  I have seen this happen in the grieving process, to the point where a person can become almost unmoored from the reality of everyday life when loss of a deep human connection occurs.  I have also seen instances where the loss of a pet produces similar disorientation and despair

How Can Profound Loneliness Be Addressed?

I tell my clients that the answer to their loneliness is easy and yet sometimes incredibly difficult to do.  You have to “reach out” to others in a way you may not have done before, or you may need to “reach in” within your own self and reveal yourself to someone you are in an unsatisfying relationship with.  You can’t solve relationship problems by hiding away.  The only way is to come “out of hiding”.

The Rewards

There is no way to even describe the rewards of coming “out of hiding” and sharing yourself with another person.  When you do so, you are giving the other person the opportunity and permission to do the same.  You are no longer lonely, because you are no longer alone. Its as simple and yet profound as that.