In my previous blog I talked about moving from the “easy” part of online dating to the more difficult part. The most challenging, and most exciting, part is meeting up with a perspective romantic partner in the flesh.

In “The Undefended Heart”, I alluded to the “art” of relationship building and mentioned that it is based upon a careful process of slowly letting your “guard” down in order to reveal to another person who you really are (your authentic and imperfect self) It is an “artful” and “mindful” process because there is also the danger of “over share”…that is the “too quick” giving up of the deeply hidden parts of your inner self in a desperate attempt to “connect” to another. This can backfire on you if you have revealed yourself to someone who ends up being not worthy of your trust. As a corollary to this idea, I personally believe that getting immediately involved in sexual relations can muddy the waters and create a sense of “false” intimacy. This creates misunderstanding at best, or deeply hurt feelings of being “used” in the worst instances. Go slow…I always say

To avoid the danger of “over share”, I’d like to suggest that approaching a new relationship with an “undefended Heart” does not mean that you leave your heart unprotected. You “protect your heart when you listen” carefully and openly to the messages you are receiving from it regarding the person sitting across from you. What are your authentic feelings regarding this person? You are unafraid when you trust what you feel. When you trust your own feelings you don’t need to create a fortress around your heart because your feelings are unwavering. Your heart is open and spacious but also… safe. Pay attention to your feelings. Yes…you may be attracted physically to this person but at the same time you are noticing other “red flags” about him/her that signal this person may not be right for you. It could be as simple as a “mismatch” between the persons actual appearance and their picture, or it could be that they were ridiculously late…. two times in a row. The “undefended” heart “listens” in an open and “nonjudgmental” way and develops a kind of relational “situational” awareness that can accurately asses weather this is a healthy situation for you. Developing this awareness is crucial in the first couple of meetings with a new person
Here are some important questions to ask yourself:

1. Do I feel safe and comfortable to be my true self with this person?
2. Am I feeling like I don’t measure up, or am not “good” enough
3. Can I express myself fully?
4. Does the other person express him/herself fully?

Relationships are “risky”…always. But it is a calculated risk…not a reckless one. You are moving forward, trying it out, daring to risk yourself, moving back, seeing how it feels, and trying again. Your partner in this adventure is doing the very same thing.

Next blog will begin to answer the question: “But what do we talk about?” How do we get to know one another? “How do we deepen our relationship?”

Researchers have actually come up with some good answers to these very questions

Stay tuned.

The easy part of online dating is clearly the part that is accomplished “online”.  From a “safe” distance, you are able to evaluate possible dating “prospects” at the same time as you, also, are being assessed.  With enough patience and persistence, a “match” is achieved.  The next step is moving from “virtual” to “real”.  An arrangement is made to meet one another “in the flesh”.  Now the most important, and the scariest part of online dating begins.  How should the early part of relationship building begin?  What is the appropriate attitude to adopt in these early meetings? If you are looking to begin the process of finding “the one”, how can you move quickly into the discernment process while also being aware of “red flags” that are trying to signal you that you’re not on the right track?  These are the questions I’d like to address.

The first concept to consider, I believe, is the idea that you are looking for someone who will value and connect with you based upon your true and authentic self…rather than the “self” you aspire to be…(your “ideal” self.) Its important to consider the difference between real and ideal in the context of online dating because who you present “virtually” may not be exactly who you actually are at this moment.  What if your picture, for example, is a picture of a younger you, or a more “fit” you.  The same concept holds with other things you may say about yourself.  As human beings we often try to present a “better” version of ourselves to the world at large.  It may work, to an extent, on a work resume, or in some other superficial context. But this false presentation can backfire, big time, in the formation of a mature intimate relationship.

The truth is that deeply fulfilling and sustaining relationships are based on two people gradually and carefully revealing their true and authentic selves to one another.  At our core we are all flawed and imperfect so that the sooner we reveal this truth to another person, the sooner they have permission to do the same thing. That’s how intimacy is built.  When we hide our imperfect selves behind a more perfect “façade” this is called, in psychological language, using a “defense mechanism.”  We are erecting a defense structure to protect us because we feel, essentially vulnerable to the “attacks”, if you will, of others.

Contrary to what we may believe, allowing our defense mechanisms to break down, just a little bit, and approaching a new relationship with an “undefended” heart rather than a “defended” heart is actually what makes us more “lovable” not less so.

Notice that I said, “allowing our defense mechanisms to break down just a little bit when beginning a new relationship.  It’s a careful and fragile process this slow and mindful opening up of our heart to another person…romantic or otherwise….

More on this in my next blog.