Many of us are familiar with the Aesop’s fable “The Tortoise And The Hare”.  A primary “teaching” in this fable has to do with the importance of steady and dedicated perseverance, as opposed the impatient need to get to “the finish line” as quickly as possible.

This fable has something to teach anyone who wants long lasting success in online dating… especially those who seek a life partner.  Why? Its because the process of online dating is very different than developing relationships in the more “old fashioned” way. It involves a different set of expectations and a particular kind of patience and self-awareness.

Back in the “day” potential life partners might meet each other through mutual friends, or because they see each other on a regular basis at work, at church, or in school.  Such meetings had a natural “organic “ feel to them as relationships develop into friendships and gradually become something “more”.  In the beginning of such relationships, neither party necessarily knows where this is “going”, but it just evolves in a certain way of its own accord.

The  “organic” approach has certain advantages.  It moves slower and allows for more deliberate reflection along the way.  Additionally there is an element of discovering each other and uncovering the mystery of another person without the pressure of asking oneself the constant question, “Is this the One?  Could this be “the One”?

Contrast this to online dating. In online dating you have put money down for a service that openly states it is trying to “hook you up”.  The pressure is on from the “get go”.  When you “sign up” you state things about yourself, as well as asking for particular things you are looking for in a partner. When you are “matched” with someone they already know quite a bit about you.  Then, there is often a period of time where emails, and or texting and “facetime” theoretically allow you to know each other better.

A long “getting to know you” period through emails, texting, facetime, ect carries its own perils.  When you “present” yourself though any of these mediums, you are presenting your “best” self.  You need to assume that your new “friend” is doing the same thing.  Its not real. “Sexting”, especially with provocative “pictures “can make the situation even more complicated as your fantasies enter the picture and you move further and further away from reality.

So, how can you make online dating “slower” and, dare we say, more “old fashioned”?

1. If you are interested in someone, meet them in person…sooner rather than later. Be suspicious if the other person keeps “putting off” the “in person” Are either of you enjoying this “online” flirtation too much to move it to the next level? Are you afraid of the “In Person?”
2. When you are communicating through digital device, hold a good portion of yourself back. Leave some mystery to be discovered when you meet this person.  Even when you meet them…take it slow.
3. Think carefully about getting involved sexually…even if the body chemistry feels right. Taking more time is always a good idea.

Think of the Tortoise moving slowly along the path toward the finish line.  Eyes are wide open, senses are fully alert.  This tortoise is taking his time and taking things in.  He is following along unexpected twists and turns and is not in a hurry, knowing that it’s most important to get to the right place, rather than to get there fast.