How many of us have “lived” the story of finding the “love of our life”, only to discover weeks, months, or even years later that this was not the case.  The heartbreak of love “found” and then “lost” is memorialized over and over again in love songs too numerous to mention, and yet this phenomenon occurs over and over and over again.  To add insult to injury, romantic breakups often have repercussions that extend generations into the future.  Often the children that are produced in these relationships suffer the most.

So the question bears asking:  What is going on, and can anything be done to prevent so many failed relationships?

Maybe part of the answer lies in the definition of “Love”.  What is love exactly?  How can we know that we really feel it?  Why does it often feel so “fleeting”? So “ephemeral”?

This is an “age old” question, so perhaps the wisest answer can be found in the teachings of the ancient philosopher Plato.  Plato suggested that there are actually seven kinds of love…all defined as “love” but actually very different from one another

Seven Kinds Of Love, According To Plato:

1. Eros…Eros is passionate, physical, and romantic. Eros means intense sexual attraction and also carries with it the concept of obsessive preoccupation with the beloved. Eros is built into human biology in order to foster reproduction.  Eros has no interest in keeping up an intense level of sexual attraction for a long period of time.  Eros love can “burn out”
2. Philautia….Philautia is “self love” in the sense of healthy self-esteem.  This is not to be confused with “narcissism”, which is the over-inflation of the ego.
3. Ludos…Ludos is affectionate, fun, and essentially uncommitted love. This is the kind of love you might feel for your schoolmates or workmates
4. Pragma….Pragma is pragmatic love that focuses on long term compatibility and shared goals
5. Phila…Phila love is simple friendship
6. Storge…Storge is familial and parental love, based on familiarity and interdependence
7. Agape …Agape is deep spiritual and unconditional love, including altruism and love of strangers, nature, and God

We all recognize these different kinds of love, but a core problem in our culture, arises I think, because we elevate romantic “eros” love far above the others…especially when we are looking for a life partner. Somehow romantic love becomes the definition of what we seek and what we yearn for.

What’s the problem with this?

I think the problem is that passionate romantic love may lead us to finding someone we feel we want to be with and/or pursue…but it doesn’t necessarily lead us to the “finish line” of sustained long lasting love.  Built into the concept of romantic love is the notion that “when you are “in love” in this way, all else will follow.  Everything will just magically “fall into place”. Romantic love is too often infused with fantasy and expectation just because it feels so good.. But it does not necessarily provide the long-term compatibility of Pragma or the friendship of Phila.  Equally important, romantic love on its own does not necessarily feed our self-esteem in the sense of our beloved really valuing us for all of who we actually are. We too can become an “idealized” fantasy in the mind of someone who is obsessed with us.

So, what then is the “secret” to Finding Lasting Love?

 The best way to find a romantic partner who you can stay with in the long term depends on finding someone who you can find all seven kinds of love with. Yes, being “attracted” may be important initially but far more important is someone who you feel authentic and joyful with.  It is someone who is committed to your shared goals…and someone who you see yourself being in a “family” with.  (Even if you never have children)

Here is the truth.  Each of the seven kinds of love enhances every other one.. This means that over time you become more attracted to the person who is always striving for the goals that are important to you…or who you can always laugh and have fun with.  You will develop a feeling of “having each others back” as family members do. (Storge love)

If you are really lucky, and it is important to you and your partner, you can also experience “agape  love within your relationship…This is the deep and spiritual love that not only ties the two of you together in deep and unconditional love but also connects you to everyone and everything else.

Its there….but you have to want it