When you are dating online, the first “in person” encounter can be anxiety provoking. Who is this person that I am meeting for the very first time? What lies beneath the surface of who he/she appears to be? How do I access information about how this individual would really be “in relationship”, and how can I asses, relatively quickly if this could be the right person for me?
Ask The Right Questions
The answer is that you need to be ready with a series of “open ended” questions for your potential partner. The questions you ask on this first date are the key to discovering “red flags” that may not be immediately evident. By “red flags” I mean warning signals that this may not be a good person for you. Often, when we first meet someone we feel flooded by feelings of physical attraction. Physical attraction is great for the initial stages of a relationship, but it’s not the ingredient that sustains relationships in the long run…not ever.
What Are The Right Questions, What are the Red Flags?
Meeting a person for the first time, the most obvious question is “what do you do?”, or where do you live? These are easy “small talk” questions that may break the ice, but don’t really tell you much about someone. Far more important is to find out who this person is “in relationship”. How many relationships have they been in…. and most important…how did the relationship break up? “Break up” stories are the most important source of information there is about how someone fares in relationship…the story itself may be your first “red flag”.
Red Flag Break Up Stories
So, what do you “listen for” in a “break up” story?
I think you are trying to discern weather there is any sense of “mutual responsibility” for why the relationship did not work. If your storyteller presents with a “victim” mindset, for example, you may be dealing with someone who either allows him/her self to be “bulldozed over” in relationship…. or someone who just does not take personal responsibility. In either case, this could be a “red flag” for how a relationship might progress with you.
An Additional Red Flag To Look For
The other broad category of “red flag” on a first date is just someone who is not ready to begin dating again. If your “previous relationship” conversation is dominated by bitter ex husband or ex-wife stories this often means that this relationship “loss” is not yet worked through sufficiently. You then become the “rebound” relationship as you constantly deal with the presence of a third party.
Its All About Mindful Awareness
Awareness of “red flags” is not about discouraging you from this grand adventure of finding the right person. To the contrary its about acknowledging that we each have the ability to know when things may be emotionally dangerous for us and then to act accordingly. It’s about “self care” in the truest and deepest sense.