Research into the nature of human attachment now proves what many mental health professionals have always known.  Beyond a doubt, secure relationships are the key to long life and happiness. Observations of mothers and infants reveal the importance of a “securely attached” infant for promoting optimal growth of the growing child…. physically, socially, and emotionally.  Researchers now see that secure attachment is also a key component in healthy and sustainable adult relationships

Attachment In Adult Relationships

By the time we reach adulthood, there is a pretty big variation amongst us as far the quality of the relationships we had as children.  Clearly, not everyone has the experience of loving, consistent, and emotionally present caregivers. There is good news, however.  In the choosing of a “life” partner, the deficits of our childhood can be addressed and repaired.  The individual “self” is a constantly evolving entity. Choosing your partner well and “working” on your adult relationships…offers a second chance to become happy and secure as an adult…even if your child hood was not so great

Finding Someone You Can Be Securely Attached To

Searching for the right person to build a life with is a seriously important task. Although it is tempting to make this choice based on strong physical attraction, this is not a wise idea.  Physical attraction is just one small part of true intimacy…and it just won’t carry you through the difficult times that are inevitable with the passing of time.  Here are some questions you can ask yourself as you attempt to weed out people who just won’t work out in the long run.

Questions To Ponder:

1. Can I really talk to this person and know that they truly are listening. Do I feel comfortable revealing my shortcomings and vulnerabilities?
2. Does this person show empathy for the “story” of my past…that is the events that helped “shape” who I am now?
3. Does this person demonstrate the ability to be emotionally “present” for me in times of stress? Can I do the same for him/her?

Answering yes to all of these questions is a good sign that you have found someone who you will be able to have a sustained long term relationship with. This is true even if your childhood attachments were not always positive and secure. If your “yes” is a little more tentative…then you know which parts of your relationship need work.  The “work” will be worth it though, and will help heal those childhood wounds.

Online dating is a project that is not without awkwardness and heartbreak.  Put simply, there are instances where the “match” does not work out for one or both parties and genuine feelings are involved. Hurt feelings and confusion about what to say are inevitable, but there are some guidelines that may help both parties feel respected and heard during the process of ending a relationship.

Guidelines:

Don’t Drag it Out

If you are the one ending the relationship, even if it’s a relationship of short duration, it may feel easier to let things go on beyond when you really know that its not for you.  It may feel, in the moment, like you are sparing the feelings of your partner…but actually you are more likely just avoiding your own feelings. It’s not comfortable to feel responsible for causing another person pain, so sometimes it’s easier to postpone that feeling within yourself.  So…. have some courage and do the right thing.  Its better for you both in the long run

End The Relationship In Person, not via Cyberspace

The widespread use of texting and other messaging methods for “ghosting” people or outright breaking up with them is the ultimate in disrespect in my view. Please…have the courtesy to talk to the other person in person…in the flesh.  Relationship termination conversations may feel awkward, but they can be done in such a way as to preserve the integrity of both of you.

Take Time With Yourself After The Breakup To Figure Out What Went Wrong

Healthy relationships are at the very core of a long and happy life.  This truth has now been borne out by “happiness” research.  It’s also true that we, as human beings, tend to repeat patterns in terms of whom we choose to be in relationship with, and how long our relationships last. Sometimes the patterns are dysfunctional and keep causing us heartbreak.  It’s worthwhile to take a look at what your “patterns” are and try to change them.

Forgive Yourself, Learn From Your Mistakes, Change Your Perspective

It’s not the mistakes we make in life that are the problem. It’s our refusal, sometimes, to learn from them.  In the case of a relationship ending, the first step toward healthy growth is to get rid of the word “failure”. Think instead of life being a series of relationships that come and go…much like actors on a stage that have “parts” of varying duration. A play moves along with a narrative wherein each “actor” moves the story along, and all the “parts” are important.

When you adopt the perspective that your “relationship” life consists of a unique series of people who will come and go…sometimes with the sadness of loss…sometimes not…then you can fully embrace “the one” who finally “stays” for a while. You can say to yourself  “Wow…. here you are at exactly the right time.  Welcome to my life!”