In my work as a couples’ therapist I’m constantly amazed at how frequently both members of the couple completely misunderstand each other and instead make completely wrong assumptions about what is being said.

Put Simply, misunderstandings are constantly created because we are often not really listening to one another.

With couples who have been together for awhile, the problem is much worse because patterns of misunderstanding are firmly entrenched. What happens is that, instead of “listening” fully to our partner, we “brace” ourselves for attack and occupy our minds with “counterattack” arguments. Then we “blast” our partner with the “counterattack” argument that does not even truly “match” what our partner is trying to say.

In This scenario nobody feels Heard!

Here is What I’d like to suggest instead:

Try to have a beginners “Zen” mind when you sit across from your partner. Don’t assume you know anything about what will be said. Right now you are the “listener”
Make eye contact, relax your breathing, and allow the content to flow into you naturally. Focus on understanding what is being said. Don’t focus on retaliation
Be sure the “talker” is finished and then ask questions about things you don’t understand. Don’t interrupt. Now, reflect back what you heard until you get it right. Invite corrections to your understanding

What I have found is that healing begins when someone feels truly listened to and heard. Now, take a moment to “listen to yourself” to gauge your internal reaction to the words you have heard. Switch roles so that you can now be the talker as your partner listens to your feelings about what was said when your partner was the talker.

This method of communication, where you are either a “talker” or a “listener”, makes it possible for you and your partner to become united in a shared understanding of how you both feel. Now you can proceed to the “problem solving” and “compromise” phase…which is never possible until you both feel you have been heard.