Divorce in the United States has become so commonplace that I think we underestimate the psychological impact it has…particularly on the party who feels “blindsided” by its occurrence.
Case in point is a woman I know well who has been married for fifteen years and has several “tween” children. Although she can admit now that there were “red flags” in her marriage that she should not have ignored…. still she was unprepared for her husbands abrupt announcement that he had met the “true” love of his life and he wanted a divorce
WOW…REALLY???
Rebuilding A Coherent Narrative Of Your Life
What I have heard over and over from friends and clients of mine who have been shocked and dismayed by such announcement, is that the entire “story “of your life is turned upside down. You don’t know who you are, what your life means, what you can believe, or where to go from here. You have to start over. You have to construct a new story
The Narrative Of Your Life Depends On Reliable Memories
So, apart from the deep hurt of realizing that your life partner no longer loves you, there is also the disillusioning disorientation of looking back on the life you have had with your partner and wondering what went wrong. Oftentimes couples will “rehash memories from the past and discover that they don’t remember things the same way. This can be very disturbing because we tend to assume that we have “fixed” shared memories with our loved ones. When we learn that our memories are not the same, we may doubt ourselves. Was everything we believed in actually a “lie”? What can I believe in? I don’t “trust” you ( my ex partner) anymore…and perhaps more importantly…. I have lost trust in myself. Have I lied to myself?
Building A New Narrative…. and a stronger More Resilient Sense Of Self
The healing begins with the realization that memory is not as “fixed” and stable as we would like to believe. Our memories of events are in fact ours alone…and they are always colored by the feelings we experienced at the time. In a “divorce” situation, there can be this “out of body” feeling that your “once beloved” ex partner has rewritten history to conform to his/her version of events. It may be a “version” that is very hurtful to you, and casts doubt on everything you thought you knew.
Go Back To What You Know To Be True
The key is to remember that you are the writer of your own story…past present and future. You get to remember things in a way that serves you. Your memories can of course include things that you see now more clearly so you don’t make the same mistakes as before…but you can also choose not to remember things that were hurtful to you. You get to “divorce” yourself from these things.
The important thing is not to forget your past….but rather editorialize it a bit.
Then weave that past into your present and your future.
It’s your story…after all