When I see a couple for the first time, I often ask each person separately, but within earshot of the other:  “What  do you want in this relationship that you are not now getting?” A common answer is, “I want to feel loved”, or “I want to feel as though we are in love”.  Maybe the feeling used to be there but has now gone, or maybe something is “missing” that each member of this couple longs for and has never quite arrived.

Upon further exploration with this generic couple, it becomes clear that each individual person has a unique way of giving and receiving love. From childhood we learned that love is shown to us through a unique combination of words, actions, and physical gestures, and these are the ways that we also learned to show that we love others.  Giving and receiving love are simply different sides of the same coin. In our original families we developed a Love language made up of these words, gestures, and actions that we all understood without having to specifically talk about it much.  If we were lucky enough to be well loved, the love just flowed.  It just happened.

Fast forward to finding a love partner, we all still long to be loved in the way that we once felt. Even if we did not get enough love in childhood, we hopefully at least got a taste of what we now want more of. Now though, we are with a new person.  This person developed a love language in their respective childhood that is different from ours. How can we find a common language of love with each other?  How can we become better attuned with what our partner needs and wants, while also getting our own needs met?

In his bestseller book,  “The Five Love Languages”, Gary Chapmen offers a solution to this problem by suggesting that there are five main ‘Love” languages in human relationships.  If we can discern which of these languages, or combination of languages, best fits our definition of giving and receiving love…. and if we can discern which languages work for our partner, we can move closer to speaking the same language.

Here are the five languages, very briefly stated.  See where you fit in.

• Words of Affirmation:  You feel loved when loving; affirming, appreciative words are said to you.  Words are important

• Acts of Service: It feels really good when your partner does nice things for you and in turn you like to do nice things, often without being asked

• Receiving gifts:  You love giving and receiving gifts, large and small.  You like to give and receive in thoughtful and unexpected ways

• Quality time:  Nothing is more important than giving quality time to one another.  This time is for the two of you only

• Physical touch:  As humans we need this.  It does not need to be sexual, although this can be important.  It could simply be a warm hug.

So, back to our generic couple, lets suppose one member of this couple needs words of affirmation and love, loves to give these things, but has a harder time with the physical aspects of showing love.  Because this couple cares about one another, they will each listen to what the other person longs for, while also stating clearly their own needs.   The listening and caring creates the bridge that makes it possible to become more of what is needed for your partner, while your partner is also doing the same for you.  You and your partner are now becoming your own family, in a sense, and you are creating a new love language that is unique to you as a couple.  This is what will sustain you and create longevity and vitality in your relationship.