Monthly Archives: June 2020

“Listening” To One Another During Challenging Times

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Interpersonal conflict happens on many levels in our world.  We might find ourselves at “odds” with an intimate partner, or we might feel some distress at the conflict that arises between groups of people. Either way the feeling is much the same, I believe. Fueling the conflict is the longing to be seen, understood, and accepted, and this longing is universally human. What happens is that the more vulnerable feelings of  “invisibility” are overlaid with frustration, and anger.  It makes sense, I think.  The longer we have to hide our deeper and more vulnerable feelings, the more time there is for the anger to build. Although the emotion of “anger” is often considered psychologically to be a “secondary” emotion, when it has been building for a long time it feels very “primal”, intense, and necessary to express. How can this expression be done “safely” and effectively though? How can we discover what lies beneath and begin to heal others and ourselves?

LISTENING WITH THE GOAL OF TRUE UNDERSTANDING

It may seem obvious and trite to say this, but it bears repeating to acknowledge that many of our conversations in daily life consist of two or more people talking past each other in order to get a point across. In early sessions with couples I see this kind of “no communication” communication, happen all the time. Voices escalate louder and louder with the misguided notion that more volume means you will be heard better. There is no true “listening” going on at all here and the anger and frustration increase. The session becomes emotionally unsafe at worst, or at the very least unproductive. In contrast to this, if a conversation begins with the goal that we want to really UNDERSTAND one another, it’s going to take much longer but be way more effective. First of all though, everyone needs to slow way way down.

SLOW DOWN YOUR CONVERSATION AND TALK ONE AT A TIME

I’m sure we all remember the teacher in elementary school who said, “Please raise your hand and I’ll call on you so we are speaking “one at a time”. It’s much the same in a productive conversation. Ideally, you have one “talker” at a time, and at least one listener at a time. If you are the one talking, and you feel that someone is truly attentive to you, you are much less likely to become actively “angry” even if you feel angry.  You can talk about your anger without being “in” it, because you have the space and time to express the feeling to someone who is listening.

YOUR JOB AS A LISTENER

The job of a listener is to focus only on what is being said, not interrupt, and then ask questions to clarify your understanding.  It can be very helpful to reflect back what you think you heard, and make sure you got it right. When your talker believes you really got it, you can switch roles, so that you are the “talker”.  You will get back exactly what you gave…. the gift of feeling seen, heard, understood.

FEELING UNDERSTOOD IS STEP ONE TO RESOLVING THE CONFLICT

It would be naive of me to believe that a session of truly listening and attempting to understand one another is going to actually and miraculously “solve” any kind of human conflict…especially one that has been building for a considerable period of time.  It’s just the first step in what may be a long process. The step may need to be repeated many times…. before the problem solving can begin.

Try the method of slow and reflective listening on a friend, a partner, or your child. See how it feels when you have time to really get your thoughts out without interruption or defensive reaction. See if you can achieve that feeling, after having been understood that you really “matter” in this world. In my view it’s a feeling we all need, and deserve to have….as necessary I think as the air we breathe.

What Does It Really Mean To Be There For One Another?

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When a couple is in distress a common complaint from both partners is: “My partner is not really “there” for me the way I need them to be. The complaint is vague but strongly felt, so it is worthwhile to unpack what it really means. What is it exactly that is “lacking” when your partner is not there for you? Here are some ideas I have heard from many couples and individuals over the years, along with some thoughts about how address this issue:

When your partner is really “there” for you they understand you, appreciate you, and  “get” why you feel as you do. If this is not happening it probably means that the two of you are not communicating effectively. The key to effective communication is that you must listen very carefully and without interruption to what is being said, and then check to make sure you got it right.  This kind of reflective listening does not mean that you are listening in order to “solve” the problem, if there is one. You are only trying to understand. Understanding then becomes the bridge to finding empathy with your partner, and forming the trusting and equal “partnership” that will eventually lead to a solution. Often the solutions don’t come right away…so you need patience…with yourself and your partner.

Being there for each other has also been described to me by couples as a sense that your partner has your back in situations where you need an ally…you need someone who is truly on your “side”.  This does not mean couples always agree with each other about how they “see” a particular situation. In fact, sometimes it is helpful to consider another point of view. In the long run though, you, as a couple are a “united” front. In parenting situations the importance of the “united” front really plays out as the parents come to what could be a “compromise” in terms of how to handle children. The kids always benefit from the security of this united front. Other situations where you might need your partner to “have your back” would be in dealing with in-laws or friends where you may feel betrayed when your partner violates your privacy and trust and gives away sensitive information without your permission. (Hence the expression, “you did that behind my back”.”You did not protect me”)

Finally, the importance of physical presence to each other when you are a couple cannot be overstated.  We need each other physically, but also we need to be “available” to one another even when physical closeness is not possible. Giving the gift of our time, not to solve or minimize a problem, but just to listen deeply and without judgment is a practice, which is both healing and bonding.

Hopefully, this sheds some light on the complex dynamic of being there for one another. The practices that help us bond and attach securely and sustainably to each other are applicable in all relationships, from romantic to parental to our close friendships.