Interpersonal conflict happens on many levels in our world.  We might find ourselves at “odds” with an intimate partner, or we might feel some distress at the conflict that arises between groups of people. Either way the feeling is much the same, I believe. Fueling the conflict is the longing to be seen, understood, and accepted, and this longing is universally human. What happens is that the more vulnerable feelings of  “invisibility” are overlaid with frustration, and anger.  It makes sense, I think.  The longer we have to hide our deeper and more vulnerable feelings, the more time there is for the anger to build. Although the emotion of “anger” is often considered psychologically to be a “secondary” emotion, when it has been building for a long time it feels very “primal”, intense, and necessary to express. How can this expression be done “safely” and effectively though? How can we discover what lies beneath and begin to heal others and ourselves?

LISTENING WITH THE GOAL OF TRUE UNDERSTANDING

It may seem obvious and trite to say this, but it bears repeating to acknowledge that many of our conversations in daily life consist of two or more people talking past each other in order to get a point across. In early sessions with couples I see this kind of “no communication” communication, happen all the time. Voices escalate louder and louder with the misguided notion that more volume means you will be heard better. There is no true “listening” going on at all here and the anger and frustration increase. The session becomes emotionally unsafe at worst, or at the very least unproductive. In contrast to this, if a conversation begins with the goal that we want to really UNDERSTAND one another, it’s going to take much longer but be way more effective. First of all though, everyone needs to slow way way down.

SLOW DOWN YOUR CONVERSATION AND TALK ONE AT A TIME

I’m sure we all remember the teacher in elementary school who said, “Please raise your hand and I’ll call on you so we are speaking “one at a time”. It’s much the same in a productive conversation. Ideally, you have one “talker” at a time, and at least one listener at a time. If you are the one talking, and you feel that someone is truly attentive to you, you are much less likely to become actively “angry” even if you feel angry.  You can talk about your anger without being “in” it, because you have the space and time to express the feeling to someone who is listening.

YOUR JOB AS A LISTENER

The job of a listener is to focus only on what is being said, not interrupt, and then ask questions to clarify your understanding.  It can be very helpful to reflect back what you think you heard, and make sure you got it right. When your talker believes you really got it, you can switch roles, so that you are the “talker”.  You will get back exactly what you gave…. the gift of feeling seen, heard, understood.

FEELING UNDERSTOOD IS STEP ONE TO RESOLVING THE CONFLICT

It would be naive of me to believe that a session of truly listening and attempting to understand one another is going to actually and miraculously “solve” any kind of human conflict…especially one that has been building for a considerable period of time.  It’s just the first step in what may be a long process. The step may need to be repeated many times…. before the problem solving can begin.

Try the method of slow and reflective listening on a friend, a partner, or your child. See how it feels when you have time to really get your thoughts out without interruption or defensive reaction. See if you can achieve that feeling, after having been understood that you really “matter” in this world. In my view it’s a feeling we all need, and deserve to have….as necessary I think as the air we breathe.