When a couple is in distress a common complaint from both partners is: “My partner is not really “there” for me the way I need them to be. The complaint is vague but strongly felt, so it is worthwhile to unpack what it really means. What is it exactly that is “lacking” when your partner is not there for you? Here are some ideas I have heard from many couples and individuals over the years, along with some thoughts about how address this issue:

When your partner is really “there” for you they understand you, appreciate you, and  “get” why you feel as you do. If this is not happening it probably means that the two of you are not communicating effectively. The key to effective communication is that you must listen very carefully and without interruption to what is being said, and then check to make sure you got it right.  This kind of reflective listening does not mean that you are listening in order to “solve” the problem, if there is one. You are only trying to understand. Understanding then becomes the bridge to finding empathy with your partner, and forming the trusting and equal “partnership” that will eventually lead to a solution. Often the solutions don’t come right away…so you need patience…with yourself and your partner.

Being there for each other has also been described to me by couples as a sense that your partner has your back in situations where you need an ally…you need someone who is truly on your “side”.  This does not mean couples always agree with each other about how they “see” a particular situation. In fact, sometimes it is helpful to consider another point of view. In the long run though, you, as a couple are a “united” front. In parenting situations the importance of the “united” front really plays out as the parents come to what could be a “compromise” in terms of how to handle children. The kids always benefit from the security of this united front. Other situations where you might need your partner to “have your back” would be in dealing with in-laws or friends where you may feel betrayed when your partner violates your privacy and trust and gives away sensitive information without your permission. (Hence the expression, “you did that behind my back”.”You did not protect me”)

Finally, the importance of physical presence to each other when you are a couple cannot be overstated.  We need each other physically, but also we need to be “available” to one another even when physical closeness is not possible. Giving the gift of our time, not to solve or minimize a problem, but just to listen deeply and without judgment is a practice, which is both healing and bonding.

Hopefully, this sheds some light on the complex dynamic of being there for one another. The practices that help us bond and attach securely and sustainably to each other are applicable in all relationships, from romantic to parental to our close friendships.