Yesterday I took a stroll through the campus at UC Berkeley. As my “alma mater” this place holds many memories of long ago. This day the air was clear and the campus was virtually deserted due to Covid, so the experience of being there was particularly vivid. As I walked along, feeling blessed by the warmth of the sun and the intermittent sound of birds , my walk became a meditation. With no conscious effort at all, memories flooded me each time I passed a familiar building, or a natural landmark. I was not in any hurry, so I found myself savoring each memory, and in fact re-creating the exact feeling I had experienced a full fifty years ago. Our memories are remarkable that way…just allow the space and the “trigger” of a smell, a sound, or a visual “cue” will bring it all back..

The trick though, as I soon discovered, is that you must be open to all the feelings that rise up when you give them permission to appear. The humiliation I felt after getting back a “D” on an English essay, exists side by side the euphoria of a first “kiss” on that patch of grass near Sproul Hall. You must welcome all the feelings, or none at all. That’s how it works.

As I worked my way back to my car, I began to realize that, at the very core of my being I am in fact the very same person. Yes, I’m older, wiser, more secure in many ways, but the essence of me has been carried forward through all the ups and downs of my life. It’s reassuring to know that there actually is an unshakable core that is me.

When I got back home and checked in with all my “news” sources, I found myself to be fortified with a new kind of reassurance about my own ability to weather uncertainty. Yes, life is unfolding unpredictably right now. I make plans and then have to change plans.. Disappointments abound…for everybody.

My suggestion is to take time to go within. Set aside devices that bombard you with “noise” and rediscover who you are and have always been. If you can find a “place” that holds memories…go there and invite them in. Or…reconnect with old friends, or favorite books. Do whatever it takes to remind yourself of who you are, so you can move forward.

For a number of years after my mother died I found myself dreading the winter holiday season. When I was growing up, the “Christmas” season at my house was always a big deal so I had many warm and nurturing memories of that time of year. Then when my mother was gone , my instinct was to avoid all reminders of the season…including all the festive decorations and allusions to “The most wonderful time of the year” I wanted to escape and go “numb” Unfortunately, “going numb” was exactly what happened. I discovered that when I shut down feelings of grief and loss, I also shut down the possibility of feeling anything at all. I began to feel empty and lonely. Eventually I dealt with my grief, and I “reimagined” the holiday season.

As the holidays approach in the time of Covid, I’m discovering that I have similar feelings of wanting to escape…to just “go away”. I’m aware that these holidays will not be the same. There will likely be no large gatherings of friends and family, and no physical contact.

This time though, I’m making a different decision about how to handle my emotional life. I’m naming the grief and I’m feeling the grief. All feelings are allowed and acknowledged as I make plans for Zoom get togethers and “socially” distanced events. I’m gathering together and sharing pictures and memories of holiday parties from the past. Now I’m sharing my feelings and finding great comfort in the reality that I am not alone. In these uncertain times in particular…none of us are alone.

So, here is the interesting thing I’ve discovered once again. Its not the “feelings” themselves that are unbearable. Its actually the “fear” of feeling the feelings that create an anxiety that is unendingly unbearable. This is because anxiety feeds on itself…especially when feelings are repressed and avoided.

So…I invite you to welcome your feelings. Write them down, or allow them to arise in meditation. Most importantly, share them. As I discovered, escaping feelings through self- isolation never works.
The expression “what is shareable, is bearable” was never more true than it is today