Our extended “shelter In Place” directive has put a lot of strain on relationships. In my therapy practice, for example, my clients tell me that their romantic relationships are going thru a “litmus test” of sorts. It seems that the forced “pressure cooker” of being around one person all the time leads to either “breaking up” or becoming closer. So, what’s the “secret sauce” during this stressful time?
How can we use the “gift” of this time to deepen and solidify our closest relationships?

Listening
I’d like to suggest that a key component to lasting and fulfilling relationships has to do with how well we are able to listen deeply and consistently to what is going on. By this I mean, what is going on emotionally within ourselves and within our partner. These two skills are equally important, but I believe listening attentively to yourself is an important place to start. Why is this?

Listening to yourself is essential to knowing how you feel, what you need, and how you can communicate these needs effectively to your partner.

When we are able to go within ourselves and accurately label our feelings, as well as accepting these feelings and being empathic with ourselves, we can then calmly go to our partner and ask them to “listen” to us….just listen. When another person takes the time to focus on us, and maybe even “reflect back” what they hear us saying we feel heard, acknowledged, and validated. The reflective feedback of a known and trusted person is truly an act of love. We all need this love and understanding right now, when life feels frightening, confusing, and overwhelming. If we have not taken the time to go within to try and understand ourselves first, we can overwhelm our partner, who may be “triggered” themselves by our anxiety. Or, our partner may feel they have to “problem solve” our anxiety…something they are not equipped to do.

What To Do Next Time

So, next time you feel overwhelmed by your feelings and desperate within your “bubble” to be heard and understood by your “bubble” partner, take some time to understand yourself first. Ask yourself: “What is it I’m feeling”? What is it that’s triggering me right now to feel this?” Can I be empathic with myself, and accepting of this feeling?” This exercise will help you build a bridge of understanding with your partner, which will, in turn, strengthen your relationship. The relationship will be further strengthened when you offer to your partner exactly what they have given to you. Successful relationships are a two way street after all.