Recently a member of my extended family died. It was unexpected…at least by me. Truth be told, my relationship with this particular person has been rocky over the years so it is not surprising that I would not be the first person to get this news. However, it did surprise me that I experienced an enormous wave of regret when I realized I would never again lay eyes upon a person in whom I had invested so many strong emotions over the span of 30 years. That’s a long time for anyone to be “holding on tight” to feelings about being “badly treated” by somebody. Also, if I’m being honest, I had in recent months wondered if I should make an attempt to reach out in the spirit of “putting this whole mess to rest” in some way. Intellectually I knew that I had contributed to the impasse in this relationship. I also knew that it would be good for me to “own up” to my contribution and apologize for it…regardless of weather an apology was forthcoming from the other side. And yet…I resisted. I was able to convince myself of my righteous position as the “aggrieved party”

Everything looks and feels very different to me now. I now understand the concept of “finishing business” with people while they are still alive…if you have the opportunity to do so. It is common to hear that we should always remember to tell our loved ones that we love them because you actually never know…right? From my perspective now, I’m thinking it’s equally important to finish more complicated business with people with whom we have had more difficult times. It will save you from a more “complicated bereavement when they die.

I’m not saying its always possible, or even advisable, to reach out to people who have been obviously abusive and toxic to us. Sometimes its really better to cut people out of our lives completely .I have a few of those people as well.

This was not the case with the person I recently lost. There was room to find peace and reconciliation in this relationship. For many reasons, it would have to be my initiative that broke our stalemate. There was no risk of anything bad happening to me. Only good would have come for both of us. I wish I had reached out, and I will next time