Close to forty years ago I experienced my first Thanksgiving and Christmas without my mother. I had given birth to my first child right when my mother was first diagnosed, so my very ill mother barely knew her grandchild. For me the grief was like a “double whammy” that year. First I was losing my mother, and secondly I was losing forever the possibility of a maternal grandmother for all children I might someday have…including the one I now had. I was inconsolable.

I bring this up because the holidays always hold a melancholy feeling for me, as well as a feeling for the “joy” of the season. My childhood Christmases were magical, so I have strived over the years to re create that magic for my children, and now grandchildren. But it’s undeniable. The joy is always tempered with the grief. It is a grief that catches me by surprise at unexpected times when emotion is high and feelings emerge from my unconscious.

Welcome Your Feelings…whatever they are
What I have learned over the years is that the place in our hearts where feelings reside does not discriminate between “good/happy” feelings, and “bad/uncomfortable” feelings. When your heart is “opened up” all the feelings spill over with the demand to be felt and acknowledged. It can feel overwhelming but in fact, it is quite survivable and even beautiful if you allow it to be. I’ve tried, every holiday season, to reflect upon the complicated feelings evoked by the season and this practice has served me well.

Here are some “tips” based upon my reflections:

• If you have experienced any “loss” in your life (and who of us haven’t?)”anticipate that some sad feelings will come up during the holiday season. For me, its memories of my mother and sister that arise, but it could be grandparents, siblings, or a beloved pet.
• Make time for reflection about people/pets you have lost. Share those reflections/memories with others
• Try not to get so “caught up” in crazy merriment that you leave no quiet and reflective times
• Above all, enjoy and remember the moments with the people you love whoever they are.

If there are folks you need to forgive or ask for forgiveness from, now is also the time to consider doing this.

There is no time like the present

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Jalaluddin Rumi