On Valentines Day this year, I thought a lot about the concept of truly loving oneself.  I was reminded of my insecure non “self loving” childhood years, when I would be jealous of other girls in my class. The way I thought of it then was that these girls “thought they were so great”. In reality these girls possessed attributes that I wanted, such as athletic bodies, beautiful long hair, or even just the confidence to speak up in class.  I wanted these things and would deny my jealous feelings by accusing these girls of essentially thinking “too much of themselves”  

So, what was that about?  From the perspective of my older and wiser self, I can see that I reframed the narrative of self confident and attractive girls as being something bad…something I did not really want because it would mean I was vain and self serving. In truth, I believe now that the culture I grew up in also reinforced the idea that girls should “know their place”.  They should be humble and self deprecating. Yes, they could be “pretty”…but they certainly should not “admit” to being pretty. They should actually “ward off” compliments…even though the attractiveness feature was definitely a “plus” in the marketplace of popularity.

Wow…. what a load of rubbish!!  What I now believe is that my self esteem suffered greatly because I spent so much time feeling bitter and resentful that somehow I would never be one of those “popular” girls.  Maybe some of those girls were “mean” girls who would never give me the time of day, but I also think that a good proportion of them were genuinely self confident and self assured. I’m thinking that these self-confident girls just had “healthy self love” in a way that I didn’t and it probably made those girls “attractive” to be around. 

I now know that the foundation for all sustainable relationships is “love of self”. This love is rooted in a clear appraisal of who we are, including all of our vulnerabilities and imperfections.  We need to love the “whole package” in its unique presentation. Our “self appraisal” should always result in knowing our own worth…which is then the basis of reaching out to other people to share ourselves with them. We have something to offer, always, and we can be generous with our time and our other resources. 

Perhaps paradoxically, the more I have allowed myself to know my own value, the more I have to give and the more I am able to receive as well. It becomes like this never-ending circle of giving and receiving that grows and grows.

The circle of giving and receiving is to me the exact opposite of “selfishness”. It’s a situation where everybody involved “wins” because everyone has the opportunity to give and receive in equal measure.