The term “gaslighting” has recently entered the lexicon for many of us….both in the “relationship help” field and in the larger world.  What does this really mean though? How does gaslighting actually show up in our close relationships?

According to Web MD, “gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in relationships.  It happens when one person convinces their “target” that they are remembering things wrong, or they are misinterpreting events. The gaslighter is trying to manipulate the other person into accepting his (the gaslighters) version of events as the “truth”. 

In the most extreme of cases, gaslighting is a part of domestic abuse, and there is often also physical abuse . In these cases, the victims’ life is completely controlled and dominated by the perpetrator of the abuse. We can all easily spot this kind of emotional/physical abuse.

What about the more subtle cases of gaslighting though? How can we know that we have become subjected to gaslighting when the relationship feels mostly just “fine” What happens when we feel truly loved and cherished and our relationship looks great from the outside as well? 

Could gaslighting be happening in some of these seemingly “solid” relationships?

ABSOLUTELY!!

Here are some warning signs to look out for… in your relationship and in others:

If you are finding that you are “doubting” yourself these days more than you used to, this is a sign that your partner may have led you to a gradual questioning your own reality.  The key here is the word “gradual” This process does not happen all at once, and in fact it is most effective when a high degree of trust has been established. This can be very confusing because you may feel very loved by the same person who is gaslighting you.  In fact the one reality you do not doubt is that your partner loves you. They must have your best interests at heart….right?

If your friends notice that you don’t seem to have any of your own ideas anymore, this is a sign that you are being “gaslit.  If you are finding it uncomfortable to be around the close friends and family who loved you before you met your partner, PAY ATTENTION TO THIS.  Resist the temptation to dismiss the concerns of friends and family. Telling a “hard truth” to a friend is a sign of true friendship.

If you are finding that your self-esteem has diminished since you have been in this “exciting” new relationship, this is also a sign of gaslighting. You may find yourself depressed and anxious, and not understand why. Your relationship might be the reason.

So please, take time to carefully consider who you are now and how you feel about yourself.  Compare this to who you used to be. Begin to experiment with standing up for your point of view, even if that voice within you has become fainter and harder to hear. 

Your integrity and ownership of yourself is just too important to squander, so don’t stay in this relationship if you feel forced to give up your true and authentic self.