Monthly Archives: October 2022

Have We Always Been Who We Are Now?

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As I grow older I find myself increasingly interested in who I used to be.  The central question becomes, “Am I the same person I was at 20, 30 or 40? If I’m not, what has changed?  What has remained the same?

I invite you to immerse yourself internally in this exercise as I did.  Close your eyes and look within yourself as you imagine a “younger” version of you facing important “crossroads” decisions in your life.  Do you recognize the “self” that made crucial decisions influencing the direction your life took?

Chances are, you will feel a familiar pull of “core self” in that earlier version of you. You will also see that life’s experiences have changed who you are now.  In my case I was relieved to understand that I’m more mature now, more thoughtful, and less impulsive.

Still , there is always that inner “core” of us that provides us with a sense of continuity.  Our lives are in fact an ever evolving narrative that has a beginning, a middle story “arc”, and eventually, of course, an ending.  Our memories are crucial for preserving that continuity…which is why many forms of dementia are so devastating to people when they literally can’t remember many details of who they are.  Sense of “self” implies “continuity” of self.

My belief is that spending time remembering who we are at the “unshakable” core (we could also consider this our “values”)…is essential if we want to maintain sanity in a world that is always changing. This ever-changing world can feel frightening, unpredictable, even threatening.  

The important part for me is that, no matter what, I can weather most of these external “storms”, because I know who I am.  I will stay solid, and this means I will stay safe.  I can count on me.

This also means that I can adjust to changes within me…such as the aging process and the inevitable effects of gravity on my body…. because as long as I’m alive I’m essentially still me.  The essential me, I might even argue, is actually timeless. My belief is that the essential me will even live on beyond me…through people who knew me well.

These thoughts, and this perspective give me comfort.

I hope they can do the same for you.

Do You Suffer From “Hope Fatigue?” Here’s What You Can Do

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I’m hearing more and more these days from friends, mental health professionals, and my own psychotherapy clients, that there is an epidemic of “Hope Fatigue” sweeping over this country.  

What Is “Hope Fatigue”?

The most basic definition I could find is the following:  “Hope fatigue is the feeling of fatigue that results from an unrelenting flood of upsetting news you feel powerless against”.

It makes sense.  Over the past two years there have been a number of developments, such as the overturning of Roe vs Wade, a pandemic that just doesn’t go away, and more senseless gun violence, that have overwhelmed us all.  Simply put, we are all exhausted and suffering from a deficit of optimism in our lives. Unfortunately our nervous systems are not built to handle all this and sometimes we just “shut down” and want to “give up.  We are “tapped out”, unmotivated, and unable to find meaning and purpose in our lives. 

What is the answer?

I’d like to suggest that the answer is not to commiserate endlessly with people who feel the same way we do. It’s not productive, and just feeds and amplifies the negative way we already feel.  None of this is helpful. Instead, I think there are a number of things we can do to actually feel better and more hopeful.

Consider a few helpful ideas to build optimism and hope in your life.

My first idea actually comes from the teachings of the Alcoholics Anonymous. In AA, the meetings often begin with a very simple statement known as the Serenity Prayer. Although the concept of “God” is referenced, this does not mean you have to believe in god.  Rather, think of it as your “higher power”, if that feels more in alignment with your worldview.  The serenity prayer reads as follows:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference

The serenity prayer is a good place to start because is cautions us to take a good look at the parts of our life we do have control over right now, and focus on those things in order to feel more hopeful. Of course, we also need to know the things we  actually can change, so here is where the “wisdom” comes in

Once you have truly contemplated the meaning of this simple serenity “statement”, you can focus intentionally on this very moment, and discover that your personal feeling of well-being is in your control.  Take a walk in nature, and notice all the sights, sounds and smells.  This activity brings you into the “here and now” and can brings joy and gratitude into your life.  This will feed your optimism

A third practice that can increase your feeling of well being and optimism is to take a break from the news of the world, and concentrate more on your world…your private orbit of activities.  Do something you love, and hang out with people you love.  When you hang out with people…do some  “play” activities.

Remind yourself daily of the importance of these relationships. In the end this is what really counts in life

Last but not least…be gentle with yourself.  Remind yourself of your many successes and how often in life, something that initially feels “negative” or uncomfortable in some way, turned out to be a “blessing in disguise”.

The difficult stuff in life will always be there, and we will have feelings that come and go like the weather about these things, but we do not have to live in despair with the constant suffering that goes along with it.

So, enjoy yourself.  Let go and have fun