So, what exactly is a “healthy” boundary when it comes to our most important, sustaining personal relationships?   Here is a definition I like:

“A healthy boundary can be seen as the distance at which I can love and respect you simultaneous to loving, respecting, and accepting myself”.

Let me explain.

In all of our most important relationships, such as mother/child, intimate partner, sibling, or close friendship, there exists a certain tension. This “tension” can sometimes be framed in terms of a “power” dynamic wherein one “partner “ in the relationship may wield more power over the other. The less “powerful” partner can be seen as more “accommodating” to the wants and needs of the other.  The power dynamics between people are not so “black and white” as it might seem however, and the dynamics are not necessarily problematical. Perhaps an agreement has been reached   between two people where one partner is “in charge” of deciding where we go to dinner tonight, while the other partner decides which car we take to get there.  This would be a good example of   effective “power sharing”. Maybe the restaurant choice is more important to one partner, and the vehicle is more important to the other.

The notion of “personal boundaries’ with respect to “power sharing “in relationships is important because we each need to know clearly “who we are” and what values are most important to us. If we are going to be in a relationship we need to know how much of what we want and need in our lives is “negotiable” and how much is really not.  To cite a very trivial example, I might be willing to try a new restaurant that I don’t normally go to, but I’m not willing to go to a smoke infested dark and dingy sports bar with a bunch of rowdy sports fans.  Smoke filled bars are a “non starter” in my book so you will need to go without me.

I like the definition of healthy boundaries cited above because if I compromise my own values too much in order to be with you, or to “please” you, I will no longer respect myself. I’ve closed the distance between us in the sense that you now “have me” more of the time…. but I’ve begun to actually “lose me”.  If I do this too much of the time, I will begin to   resent you. Ironically, my resentment in this scenario is not fair to you.  You may say, “why didn’t you speak up?” and you would be correct in asking this.  In a very real sense, I am not respecting you if I don’t speak up about my needs and preferences.  Your partner cannot read your mind.

So, be clear.  Know what you want and don’t want in your relationships and speak up about it.  You may find yourself in the occasional “power struggle” where it is difficult to come to an agreement, but hang in there and stand your ground. You will ultimately simultaneously respect yourself, and get respect from the other person