Have you ever heard of your Vagus nerve? If not, you are not alone. So let me introduce you to an essential part of your Central Nervous System. The vagus nerve is the longest nerve in the human central nervous system.  It runs all the way from the base of the cranium to the digestive system and it is essentially an “autonomic” nerve in that it keeps essential functions operating such as heartbeat and breathing.  It is “involuntary” so these functions can proceed even when we are asleep or otherwise unconscious. 

The most important function of the vagus nerve is that is regulates such things as breathing and heartbeat during times of stress. If you think of the concept of “fight” or “flight”, it is the function of the vagus nerve to help marshal extra energy by increasing heartbeat, and sending the signal of “danger” to the brain.  This is important for survival.

The problem, in modern life is that the vagus nerve can get “stuck” in a hypervigalent “danger” mode, even when the danger has gone away. Or, even more insidiously, the brain registers “danger” when the danger is actually psychological or theoretical rather than real. This is one definition of chronic stress.  All of us know the feeling of anxiety and stress that affects our heartbeat and breathing…right?  At its worst, it can create a panic attack. We may think we are going to die, which creates more panic.

When the vagus nerve gets “stuck” in the activation mode, this means it is not able to sense that the danger has passed, or is not real. When the vagus nerve is functioning properly, it can “toggle” back and forth between danger and safety easily.  Heart rate will slow down, and breathing will become slow and steady.

As a result of stress in the modern world, many of us have vagus nerves that are constantly activated, and do not go back to the resting state. Even in sleep, some of us experience danger in our nightmares and we may wake up in a panic.

The good news is that all of us can teach our vagus nerves to calm down and bring us back into the resting state if we practice certain habits in our lives. Many of these habits are easy things, so think about incorporating them into your life.

1. LAUGHTER…You know how a good belly laugh is one of the best possible things to experience?  Friends you laugh with, or even a good comedy is literally great medicine for your nervous system
2. SINGING…If you are a person who sings in the shower, sings in the car, or sings in a choir this is wonderful for your central nervous system. It brings in oxygen and the vagus nerve loves this.
3. COLD WATER IMMERSION…. You may think its crazy when you see people who dive gleefully into cold water, but actually they are onto something.  The vagus nerve loves the stimulation of cold water…even just splashing cold water onto your face, or running ice along your arms and legs
4. DEEP BREATHING…. This is really good for overall health.  Learn some deep breathing techniques that allow more time for the exhale.
5. MEDITATION, YOGA, STRETCHING…All of these practices are great but may take a little more persistence and dedication.  Get started small, and pick one or two.

So, there you have it.  Good luck in your quest for a more resilient nervous system.

Mature couple talking together in sofa

We all know how it feels to truly and deeply “heard”. It’s a feeling best described as “you get me” and ‘you know where I’m coming from”. As a therapist I know I’m on the right track when a client feels listened to and “gotten” in this very deep way. I also know that that there are ways for all of us to become better “listeners” when it comes to all of our communications, but especially our most important communications with those who mean the most to us.  Good listening skills are essential for forming and maintaining relationships.  Here are a few tried and true listening strategies you can practice and perfect right now.

PRACTICE EMPATHIC ATTUNEMENT:  When I speak of the concept of “attunement”, you might imagine a piano that is perfectly “in tune”. If you play or listen to piano a lot you can tell the difference between a piano that is “in tune” as compared to one that is “out of tune” The notes in an “out of tune” piano are discordant or false in some way. They are not pleasant, and most importantly they are not “true” to how that note should sound.  When the piano is “in tune” the notes are true. They sound how they are supposed to sound. When you feel that someone is “attuned” to you as they listen, it is like you are playing a piano that is perfectly “tuned”. Your words make sense to your listener and you know this. You feel it. So, how is it you know and feel this with such certainty? How can we each be empathically attuned?

BE A LISTENER WHO LISTENS ATTENTIVELY. AND EXCLUSIVELY, TO THE SPEAKER

When we are speaking from our hearts to someone else and sharing some part of ourselves that may be vulnerable, its essential that we are received with compassion, understanding, and acceptance.  This kind of listening is “empathic” because it means listeners are taking the time to put themselves into your inner world and understand how it might feel to be you. They may not get it exactly right, but that’s ok. Clarification is always possible if your listener is really paying attention. The essential strategy to “practice if you are trying to be a good listener is the strategy of listening without interruption. This may seem obvious but in reality we often interrupt our “speaker” if we believe they are saying something wrong or something we disagree with. In couples work, interruptions are common when the “listener” feels unfairly attacked. In these cases, the listener is already planning a “rebuttal” and therefore not listening at all. Its difficult, but you have to save your rebuttal for later, when you are the talker.

PRACTICE REFLECTIVE LISTENING, AND ATTENTIVE EYE CONTACT

When I want to make sure I really understand what someone is telling me, I will often say something like “ What I heard is” (whatever it is). Did I get that right? This gives my speaker a chance to clarify and make sure I really get it right. I especially do this when I’m getting confused and I want to make sure I understand correctly. My speaker never seems offended by my asking for clarification.  It only makes your speaker feel more “heard”

MAKE SURE YOUR BODY LANGUAGE FEELS OPEN AND WELCOMING

We don’t always think about this a lot but our body language is also a communication about how much we are listening. When we are listening to someone and the environment is quiet and without distractions, it gives us a chance to “lean in” to our speaker, and demonstrate that nothing is more important than what they are telling me right now. I even had a client tell me once that the sight of of cell phone next to me on my desk demonstrated that I could be distracted. I put the cell phone out of sight from then on. 

So, here are some easy strategies to try right now. The results can be amazing!!