When I was an adolescent back in the 1960’s I became obsessed with rock and roll music. In retrospect I can now see this time in my life as an “awakening” of sorts. I began to fantasize about what it would be like to have a boyfriend, and many of my fantasies were fueled by rock and roll lyrics that I memorized and sang along with on my AM radio. What was the content of these lyrics?  It was all about romantic love as it is understood by teens and twentysomethings. How do you find a boyfriend?  How do you keep a boyfriend? What happens if you lose a boyfriend? 

These were all burning questions asked by these songs, and the main emphasis was on how relationships “feel”. I, of course, wanted to “feel” good and I imagined that I’d “feel” the best if my boyfriend was “cute” and had high ”value” amongst my peers. Indeed when I finally got a boyfriend I did feel good. He actually liked me…which felt like a miracle. However, my good feelings were very transient as young “love” often is. 

These early experiences were not “real” love as I understand it now. They were experiences of a kind of  “imitation” love that is fleeting and transactional. The implied transaction, in my view, is an unstated “deal” you make with your “crush” that as long as this relationship makes us both “feel” good, and feel we have a higher “status” with our peers we will hold onto it. If something “better” comes along…all bets are off.

Since this time, many years ago, I have a very different understanding of what real love is. I am fortunate to have found real love in may forms…from the love of my children to the love of my dear friends to the love of my husband…these are all examples of the real love I have discovered.  So, what is the difference between my early relationships and the ones I have now?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot and realizing that we have it backwards when we put this emphasis on how another person makes “us” feel. The more important question is, I believe, do we have the capacity to see, accept, and unconditionally love another person regardless of their inevitable shortcomings and flaws? Is the well-being of another person important to us, and can we give of ourselves without specific expectation of what they are able to give back ?

As mothers, the capacity to love our children unconditionally is a biological necessity for their survival, but I believe it’s equally important in adult relationships. In my experience, when I have been able to demonstrate that kind of love to another person…romantic or not…I have also been able to feel their love back. Real love is like that, I think.  When you give it out freely and generously it comes back to you tenfold. The key is to give of yourself authentically in whatever capacity you can. By generously, I don’t mean that you should sacrifice your own well-being for that of someone else. If someone expects this of you, then it shows me that they are not capable of real love for you. Ideally, you want to give to each other in equal measure, so that your well-being is just as important as the well-being of another. This is REAL Love in my view.

Many years ago I received an unfavorable job evaluation. I remember distinctly that the main “complaint” was my apparent “inability” to follow through on job responsibilities that I myself had agreed to with great enthusiasm. My evaluator was puzzled and disappointed.  He further noted that “it is not a question of if you can perform the required duties, it is a question of if you will do them. This evaluation haunts me to this day because I recognize the truth in those words.  The difference is, that today I am not in a job situation with a “boss” who I report to.  I report only to myself in everything I do, and yet I still have a problem with “follow through”.

What is going on here?

I’ve thought about this “commitment” issue a lot, and wondered from time to time if I’ve just become “lazy”.  This is an easy answer, but I don’t think it’s correct, and it does not offer any solutions. I think the problem lies much deeper and has much more to do with this recurrent issue I have regarding faith in myself. 

Given the difficulty that many of us have with following through with New Years resolutions, I think I am not alone.  I think that many of us, at the core, suffer from bouts of self-doubt when it comes to tackling a goal that seems overwhelming at first…especially when we don’t see results immediately. I know for me I always wonder if I will fail.  If I don’t even try then I won’t fail.. Right?

Now that I’m in the third act of life I’m trying to have a very different stance about “failure”.  I have a diminishing amount of time ahead of me and there is simply not enough time to keep “putting things off”.  I probably will have some “setbacks” in achieving  many of the goals I have….but so what?  When you look at all the great inventions of man you will always see initial failures.  Its part of the process.

I’m trying out a new “mantra” on myself these days. I imagine myself, many years from now looking back on my current self.  What will I regret as I look back? Surely I will not regret the ups and downs of various “failures” that were an inevitable part of life…and a part of moving forward. 

No, I’m sure what I will regret are all the hopes and dreams I gave up on.  I will regret the times I didn’t even try. I know this because it has already happened to to other more “youthful” dreams I had in the past.

The point is, as I see it, to “Carpe diem”…or Seize the day”. There is no downside to continuing to push ourselves into new and possibly   uncomfortable situations that  may well allow life to unfold in ever-miraculous ways. You’ll never know if you don’t try.