Most of us would agree that it is important to follow through with the commitments we make to others.   This is what Michelle Obama meant, I believe, when she famously stated, “My word is my bond”.  When your word is your bond, then it means people can trust you. Trust is fundamental to keeping the relationships that mean so much to us. 

As I age, however, I begin to think more and more about the commitments I have made to myself over the years. How many times have I vowed to take better care of myself  and my relationships?  How many times have I vowed to keep my finances in order?  My commitments to myself may be large or they may be small, but either way, I have let myself down on far too many occasions. When I let myself down, I feel guilt and I feel regret. Over the years the regret begins to build up…so I’ve decided to do something about it.

The Deathbed Exercise

At the risk of sounding morbid, it has to be acknowledged by all of us that we will not live forever. As you age, of course, your “sell by” date looms closer and closer, although let’s be real…none of us knows how much time we have.  So what does this mean? In my mind it has become more and more important to really look at all the things I said I wanted to do (bucket list).  Also, I’ve been thinking about relationships that need nurturing…or maybe even repair. I’ve imagined my future self…the self that is maybe even on the way to “shedding this mortal coil” and I’ve imagined what my greatest regrets might be.

Deathbed regrets are almost always about relationships

When the question is asked of people who are dying, “what is your greatest regret?”

The answer is almost always a regret involving an important relationship. Typically you would hear something like, “I wish I had a better relationship with my child, or my friend” Very rarely would you hear something like “I wish I had worked more or made more money.

When I picture myself at the end of life, I am sure that I will regret most the unsaid words to people I love.  I will regret not forgiving or asking for forgiveness from those I have wounded or have wounded me.  At that point, I may not have the time to say the right words or do the right things

I do have the time now

The point is, I do have the time now, so that’s going to be part of the work of my “third” act. I can do something about future regrets, even if I can’t wipe out all of my regrets from the past. 

So, I would urge you too. No matter what your age or how big or small the rift is between you and someone else, do your best to repair it now. Sometimes you can’t and I understand that too…. but at least consider addressing the issue.  I assure you you will not regret engaging in this process.

I have noticed in myself that I sometimes “forget” what I want or what I need.  I get so caught up in putting my energy into knowing the needs, preferences, and concerns of my immediate family and friends, that I can’t recall what I really “long” for in the deepest part of my being.  “What do you want?” I ask myself over and over and the answer does not immediately come.  This applies to my preferences about a vacation as well as what to order in a restaurant, or even which restaurant to go to.  It also applies to deeper questions like, how do you want your retirement to go?  How do you see the “third act” of your life?

Recently I tried an experiment to address these existential questions about what I want. I had the opportunity to “get away” from my usual day-to-day life and go on a “retreat” all by myself.  I was fortunate to have a place to go that is deeply meaningful to me.  My family has had a cabin in the Sierra foothills for several generations now.  I co- own the cabin with various family members and we sign up to go there. 

This “solo” retreat was four days of “radical self fulfillment”.  First off, I went to my favorite grocery store and bought everything that I like…including items I remember from childhood. This is different from when I shop for my family. I often forgo my own preferences for the preferences of others.  Not this time. I also brought my favorite books, music, and classic movies to watch on the ancient DVD player.  The only rule I gave myself was “do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it”. 

Each day began with a guided “body scan” meditation, which is a way to check in on how your body is doing.  What does it need?  How does it feel?  From there I followed the cues coming from my own mind and body about eating, sleeping, reading, and swimming.

I remembered  “secret” things about myself that I had forgotten, and I journaled my thoughts to remind myself later when I become “busy” again. After four days on my retreat I felt “reborn”. I will definitely be doing this again