I have noticed in myself that I sometimes “forget” what I want or what I need.  I get so caught up in putting my energy into knowing the needs, preferences, and concerns of my immediate family and friends, that I can’t recall what I really “long” for in the deepest part of my being.  “What do you want?” I ask myself over and over and the answer does not immediately come.  This applies to my preferences about a vacation as well as what to order in a restaurant, or even which restaurant to go to.  It also applies to deeper questions like, how do you want your retirement to go?  How do you see the “third act” of your life?

Recently I tried an experiment to address these existential questions about what I want. I had the opportunity to “get away” from my usual day-to-day life and go on a “retreat” all by myself.  I was fortunate to have a place to go that is deeply meaningful to me.  My family has had a cabin in the Sierra foothills for several generations now.  I co- own the cabin with various family members and we sign up to go there. 

This “solo” retreat was four days of “radical self fulfillment”.  First off, I went to my favorite grocery store and bought everything that I like…including items I remember from childhood. This is different from when I shop for my family. I often forgo my own preferences for the preferences of others.  Not this time. I also brought my favorite books, music, and classic movies to watch on the ancient DVD player.  The only rule I gave myself was “do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it”. 

Each day began with a guided “body scan” meditation, which is a way to check in on how your body is doing.  What does it need?  How does it feel?  From there I followed the cues coming from my own mind and body about eating, sleeping, reading, and swimming.

I remembered  “secret” things about myself that I had forgotten, and I journaled my thoughts to remind myself later when I become “busy” again. After four days on my retreat I felt “reborn”. I will definitely be doing this again