We are all familiar with the fairy tale “Goldilocks and the Three Bears”. Essentially, the “lesson” it imparts has to do with the concept of “just right”. In the fairytale, Goldilocks enters an empty house where three bears live, and she discovers a chair, a bowl of porridge, and a bed that are “just right” for her after first trying chairs, porridges, and beds that are not quite “right”. 

I would argue that life is often about experimenting around with many choices and opportunities, until we find the situation that is “just right” for us.  This can be true with the place we decide to live, or the job we decide to take, but it is especially true about the person we decide to spend our life with.  Its such an important decision, but many of us “kiss a lot of frogs” until we find the right person for us.

So, the question becomes one of discernment.  We can be assisted in our search by signing up with a dating app and putting in our “Profile” as we consider the profiles of  “potential matches”.  We can try “dating” our “matches”, and see how this works. However, I think our final decision, (assuming someone is interested in us) comes from paying attention to some very clear “signposts” that come from deep within us. Let me explain.

Going back to the “Goldilocks” analogy, I think that many of us get seduced by thinking our “just right” person is the one that immediately sets our hearts racing and makes us feel like we just can’t live without this person.  The term ”lovesick” comes to mind, and conjures up the mythology of “love at first sight”. Staying with Goldilocks for a moment, this person is like the porridge that is just too hot. Its all about how   exciting it “feels” to us.  Over the long term, though, we realize that the excitement and “heat” of this intense connection we feel is not sustainable. Psychologically speaking, intense and immediate romantic connections are often about a deep feeling we have that this person holds the key to healing relationship wounds from the past. This is usually a false belief, but hard to dislodge. Regardless of who does the “breaking up”, the heartbreak is very real and the grief can last awhile.

Staying again with the Goldilocks story, discernment can also be difficult when we find ourselves considering a partner who “checks all the boxes” of what we want in a partner but we are just not “feeling it”. We may wonder intellectually what is “missing” in this relationship but our experience of it is that the “porridge is just “lukewarm” and kind of boring.  There is no “click” of connection…no feeling that this person just “gets” me and I “get” them. No harm, no foul, its just not there.

Now, how about the “just right” person?  I think we know when we have “found” our person when we have the experience of feeling that we are with someone who shows “warm curiosity” about who we are.  They are turning “towards” us in a genuine and caring way and we feel seen, valued, and respected for exactly who we are.  Of course, in order for this to work we need to give back to them the feeling of being seen, valued, and respected in equal measure.  The quality of “mutuality” in the relationship is essential for it to sustain.

So, what about physical attraction, you may ask? 

My answer is that the physical attraction will often occur more slowly… more like smoldering coals that eventually ignite… as your intimacy grows emotionally.  This kind of sexual intimacy is not desperate and immediate…but it is ultimately much more satisfying.

The final message? 

Take your time…be patient…and you may find that your “best friend” becomes you ultimate romantic partner. Whoever they are…they may not be the “just right” for your friends or your family. 

But it doesn’t matter.  They are “just right” for you.