Many of us look back on our childhood and recall painful memories of feeling “left out” in terms of belonging to a friend group.  For me this happened in a major way when my family lived in England for a year.  I was nine years old and the feeling of not “fitting in” was intense. I did not speak English the same way as everyone else, and did not understand the local customs of dressing and behaving correctly in general.  Even to this day, I remember distinctly the feeling of just wanting to “disappear” into the surroundings. I did not want to “stand out” like a sore thumb. I wanted to be just like everyone else, or else not “be” at all. It got a little better when I mastered the British accent because then I could “pass” for brief periods of time…but in the end I was always going to be different and this did not feel good.

Thinking back on this experience from an adult perspective, I wish someone had noticed my unhappy plight and tried to help me feel confident and even proud of who I was. At the very least, I might have benefited from someone noticing that I was “hiding” in plain sight. If I’m honest though, it would have been a big “ask” in a situation where I was rapidly building walls around myself so as not to be “seen”. I never spoke up.  I never raised my hand in class. In truth, what started happening to me internally was that I disappeared from myself in a way that I now think of as dissociation.  I began to live in a fantasy world inside my head which was fed literally by the fairy tales I read incessantly in order to escape the real world.  I also started gaining a lot of weight unconsciously. When I had a doctor checkup I was stunned by how much I weighed.  I simply was disconnected from my own body and had no awareness beyond knowing that food tasted good and provided temporary comfort.

 This story is meant to be illustrative of what can happen to any of us, even as adults, when we don’t feel a part of our social surroundings.  I think we begin to “lose” ourselves in a very profound way when we isolate from others…. whether this be by choice or by circumstance.  During the pandemic, the isolation caused lots of emotional distress for kids.  Many are still recovering.

As for me, I have learned to find my way back to myself when I begin to feel “dissociated” by following these steps:

First I reconnect with my physical body through a guided “body scan” meditation wherein I am led to focus on one body part at a time and “feel into” its current condition. (i.e.: does it ache, hurt, feel good?)

Next I take a deep dive into how I feel about my life in general.  Am I happy with my life…my relationships…my self-care…and my commitments to myself for personal growth? If I’m not “measuring up” to my own expectations I make plans to change.

The two exercises mentioned above are enough to bring me back into contact with myself.  I feel solid and real again. I belong to myself now no matter where I am or whom I am with. From this place I am not afraid to reach out to others.  I know I will not lose myself.

Simply put…I am home…regardless of where I actually am.