In my view we have all suffered some form of trauma over our lifetime.  Traumas present themselves in a variety of ways.  They can be big, sudden, and totally unexpected like an automobile accident or a natural disaster.  They can also look smaller and less intense to those who are looking at them from the outside.  An example of a “smaller” trauma might be a childhood with some degree of emotional neglect, or divorce. The traumatic “event” can be over relatively quickly, or it can go on and on for days, weeks, or months. 

Regardless of the nature of any specific “trauma”, studies now tell us that the body remembers and stores trauma.  It never really goes away but instead is encoded in our memory.  We are not always thinking about these memories of course, but as we all know memories can be triggered in the present time when something reminds us of a particular time, place, and circumstance from our past. .  We might catch a smell that reminds us of this time and place. Alternatively, we might see someone who is associated with a traumatic time in our life, or we might go to a place that brings back a memory.  In these instances memories may “flood” our nervous system with visual images, as well as bringing back the exact way we felt when the trauma was taking place.  The “flooding” may take us by surprise as we try to figure out why we are reacting so strongly.   An example of the “surprise” we sometimes feel is the “Anniversary reaction”, where we become suddenly sad at the yearly anniversary of the death of a loved one.  The body remembers all of the “cues” that are associated with this time of year and we feel how we felt then as though no time had passed. 

I bring this “triggering” phenomenon up because of an experience I had over the Christmas holiday.  I attended a family party with extended family members I had not seen in a long time, and found myself unexpectedly “triggered” into strong feelings of competition, envy, and fear.  The feelings felt out of proportion to the actual experience of being in the presence of these somewhat distant cousins.  I was feeling flooded and I wanted to escape.  Mostly I felt very impatient with myself.  Why was I feeling these feelings so strongly?  Why was my mind torturing me with details of memories from the past that were no longer relevant?  I dealt with all of this in therapy many years ago so why was it coming up again now.?

Fortunately, when I arrived back home, and away from the “scene” I was able to turn my despair into curiosity.  I began to investigate the nature of traumatic memory and realized that my reactions made perfect sense.

The reality is that our mind is encoding memories all the time. We need to do this in order to remain safe in the world. It’s an unconscious need and an automatic process. During times of “stress” however, such as, for me, the times from my childhood when I was being teased and bullied by my  “richer” cousins, the “memory making” process is in a sense hijacked by the “fight or flight” autonomic nervous system. Detailed memory making is not as important as safety so it goes “offline” so to speak.  As a child I would hide and cry and seek comfort.  I would do anything to remain safe.  My memories of that time were fragmented and incomplete, as traumatic memories often are. I tried to avoid the memories and associations to difficult times

Interestingly, our “memory making “mechanism is always trying to “fill in the blanks” and create a coherent story. It “tags” memories that have emotional resonance, and when associations to these memories occur in present time, new details emerge.  With time, maturity, and the desire…these details can be digested and integrated into a meaningful story. This is true healing.  In my case I’m hoping for less reactivity when I’m confronted with hurtful people who are either in my past…or who are like hurtful people in my past

So, if you find yourself in a similar situation…try to turn your fear and natural tendency to avoid the discomfort into curiosity.  Become an investigator into your own psyche.  This will allow you the detachment you need to make meaning of the story.  Also, look at your mind as a miraculous thing.  It is always trying to help you if you have time and patience to let the process happen. 

For many of us the “holidays” are not “the most wonderful time of the year”. Yes, there can be a lot of joy, happiness, and, good cheer…but along with this we may find ourselves extremely stressed and disappointed as we evaluate our experience later. Why is this?  Over the years, I have developed some theories and I also have some suggestions about what we can do to mitigate the intense negative feelings that are often generated during the holiday season.

First of all, when you think about it, the whole societal idea of a “holiday season” is a “set up” in some sense.  No matter what is going on for each of us in our own lives, we are “supposed to” pause and just “be happy” and get into the “spirit” of Christmas.  The expectation that  “all is well” with our families and our world seems to be assumed, so we may wonder why we are not having the good time everyone else seems to be having..  The reality is, of course, that we are comparing the “outside” of what we see in those around us with the “inside” of what is going on with us. Never  a good idea.  We will always come up short.

For me the holidays are an emotionally volatile time. Like many people, my hopes and expectations soar as I anticipate parties with family and friends, time away from work, and the gifts I may give and/or receive. Below the level of my awareness though, my expectations are also fueled by the Christmases of my childhood. I tried to recreate this version of Christmas for my children in order to “live it” again. In both cases, Christmas was a truly a magical time.  These days, the magic still exists but not the way it used to.  Nothing is the same.  Everything changes.  I experience this as disappointment because I “miss the way things were.

The problem I run into now is the roller coaster of high expectation and lower reward than I might hope for.  This occurs when a gift I chose did not create the reaction I was expecting.  It also happens, if I’m honest, when I see family and friends that I may only see during holidays. I want so much to feel close and connected to these people. But instead I start comparing myself to them.  This makes sense when I think about it. As I grew up, my siblings and extended family were my “tribe” in a real sense.  It was important for me to “belong” and be accepted by this tribe.  I needed to “measure up” in order to feel good about myself.  Now when I see family and friends from my childhood, the child within me still compares and finds she coming up short.  Ironically, all of this self-evaluation is happening in my own mind, and it is probably happening in the same way to many of them.  What a shame! This is such an impediment to true intimacy as we carefully guard our true selves with all of our vulnerabilities and imperfections.

Because a “negative self view” is a self-generated phenomenon, it stands to reason that a “positive self view” would be equally self-generated. The best way to achieve this positive view is through an attitude of “radical self acceptance”. What this means is fully accepting yourself with all your flaws and celebrating all that your are and all that you are becoming.  It actually means deeply understanding that we all exist in the same state of imperfection and the people we love are doing the best they can…. as are we. This knowledge is what will bring us into a state of communion with other people and allow us to come out of hiding and just be authentic. Deep understanding is also an antidote to the envy I find myself feeling when I don’t “measure up” to an old friend, a sibling, or a cousin. Without this unwanted envy, I can be happy for the triumphs and achievements of others. I am not diminished by the success of others.

Radical self-acceptance is part of “self love “and is much easier to talk about than to achieve.  For 2024, my overriding “resolution” is to work on healthy self-love by radical self-care in terms of my mental and physical health. I will start with a “gratitude practice” to acknowledge all that is right and good in my life. In addition to this I am committed to a practice of positive affirmations that are part of my guided meditation practice.

What can you do to promote “radical self acceptance?”

You will find that it’s well worth the effort to think about it.