For many of us the “holidays” are not “the most wonderful time of the year”. Yes, there can be a lot of joy, happiness, and, good cheer…but along with this we may find ourselves extremely stressed and disappointed as we evaluate our experience later. Why is this?  Over the years, I have developed some theories and I also have some suggestions about what we can do to mitigate the intense negative feelings that are often generated during the holiday season.

First of all, when you think about it, the whole societal idea of a “holiday season” is a “set up” in some sense.  No matter what is going on for each of us in our own lives, we are “supposed to” pause and just “be happy” and get into the “spirit” of Christmas.  The expectation that  “all is well” with our families and our world seems to be assumed, so we may wonder why we are not having the good time everyone else seems to be having..  The reality is, of course, that we are comparing the “outside” of what we see in those around us with the “inside” of what is going on with us. Never  a good idea.  We will always come up short.

For me the holidays are an emotionally volatile time. Like many people, my hopes and expectations soar as I anticipate parties with family and friends, time away from work, and the gifts I may give and/or receive. Below the level of my awareness though, my expectations are also fueled by the Christmases of my childhood. I tried to recreate this version of Christmas for my children in order to “live it” again. In both cases, Christmas was a truly a magical time.  These days, the magic still exists but not the way it used to.  Nothing is the same.  Everything changes.  I experience this as disappointment because I “miss the way things were.

The problem I run into now is the roller coaster of high expectation and lower reward than I might hope for.  This occurs when a gift I chose did not create the reaction I was expecting.  It also happens, if I’m honest, when I see family and friends that I may only see during holidays. I want so much to feel close and connected to these people. But instead I start comparing myself to them.  This makes sense when I think about it. As I grew up, my siblings and extended family were my “tribe” in a real sense.  It was important for me to “belong” and be accepted by this tribe.  I needed to “measure up” in order to feel good about myself.  Now when I see family and friends from my childhood, the child within me still compares and finds she coming up short.  Ironically, all of this self-evaluation is happening in my own mind, and it is probably happening in the same way to many of them.  What a shame! This is such an impediment to true intimacy as we carefully guard our true selves with all of our vulnerabilities and imperfections.

Because a “negative self view” is a self-generated phenomenon, it stands to reason that a “positive self view” would be equally self-generated. The best way to achieve this positive view is through an attitude of “radical self acceptance”. What this means is fully accepting yourself with all your flaws and celebrating all that your are and all that you are becoming.  It actually means deeply understanding that we all exist in the same state of imperfection and the people we love are doing the best they can…. as are we. This knowledge is what will bring us into a state of communion with other people and allow us to come out of hiding and just be authentic. Deep understanding is also an antidote to the envy I find myself feeling when I don’t “measure up” to an old friend, a sibling, or a cousin. Without this unwanted envy, I can be happy for the triumphs and achievements of others. I am not diminished by the success of others.

Radical self-acceptance is part of “self love “and is much easier to talk about than to achieve.  For 2024, my overriding “resolution” is to work on healthy self-love by radical self-care in terms of my mental and physical health. I will start with a “gratitude practice” to acknowledge all that is right and good in my life. In addition to this I am committed to a practice of positive affirmations that are part of my guided meditation practice.

What can you do to promote “radical self acceptance?”

You will find that it’s well worth the effort to think about it.