As a psychotherapist, I am well aware of the importance of conveying empathy for my client. “Empathy “ is the ability to “feel into” what another person is actually feeling…. rather than just “feeling sorry” for them.  Cultivating empathy for another person is actually crucial for all relationships…whether they be romantic relationships, deep abiding friendships, or parent child relationships.  Simply put, we are not going to trust another person if we don’t feel they truly understand and accept us, and empathy is a necessary ingredient for deep understanding. 

Unfortunately many of us do not extend empathy to ourselves in the same way we extend it to others. All too often we castigate ourselves mercilessly for our shortcomings and mistakes. Self-compassion is in short supply as we wonder what is “wrong” with us. How could we have done or said that thing? What must people think?

There is nothing wrong with you

This is the first important truth to take in and adopt as a core belief.  You are a human being in the process of figuring out the world…just as we all are.  You are human and you are flawed.  It’s the human condition.  So, when you find yourself overwhelmed by self-criticism and despair, it is useful to take steps to get out of this “ rabbit hole of regret” so you can move on.

First, just take a deep breath and pretend you are hearing about “your” story as though it were someone else. What would you say to this person? What words of comfort? How would you gently guide them into taking responsibility where it is warranted, without thinking they are just a “bad” person.  Now do this process for yourself.

Try to be honest and clear-eyed when it comes to your “part” in whatever may have happened. If another person is involved, you might offer an apology…. but not until you have discerned who exactly did what.

Practice radical self-care by putting yourself in situations that produce joy for you.  Find joy in simple things. Take time…sleep and meditate if you can.  Send yourself “heart” energy and send the same energy to anyone you feel you may have harmed.

As part of your own “debriefing” about what has happened, remember that you need to find some “lessons” you have learned from dealing with something difficult.  Perhaps you were “unskillful”, or insensitive. If you have a clear intention to do things differently “next time…this means you have made meaning from the event.  It was not “wasted” time

Recent studies show that the entire physical body responds to the “feeling” of empathy…weather it be empathy for yourself or for another.  The immune system works better.  You will not get sick as much and you will live longer.

Well worth it….right?