Most of us have had experiences we think of as “traumatic”.  Sometimes our experience is truly catastrophic such as a natural disaster or the unexpected, sudden death of a loved one.  Other times are not quite so traumatic, like our best friend leaving town, or not getting the job we really wanted.  Either way, going through trauma can be a blow to our nervous system.  We have strong feelings that can be difficult to understand and even more difficult to deal with.  In these moments, it can be very tempting to “escape” from our “bad” feelings by “pushing them down, denying their existence, or employing substances to numb ourselves.  

I’d like to suggest a better way.  Instead of finding a way to pretend you are “fine” when in fact you are not, why not see your “feeling” as a “messenger” of sorts. What is the message?  What is the “meaning” of the message? Well, that depends upon the feeling that arises in reaction to the trauma. This brings me to the first step in working through difficult emotions and decoding their meaning.

STEP ONE:  NAME THAT FEELING

When we experience “trauma” weather big or small we may be confused and overwhelmed by what we feel.  At the most basic level, we know that we feel “bad”.  We are not having a “good feeling”.  Just knowing that we feel “bad”, however, does not help us to know what to do next. In the circumstance where our best friend is leaving, for example, if we really take the time to analyze our feeling, we may discover that we are actually “afraid” of being without our friend. We may be afraid we will never have another friend and we will be lonely all our lives. This is, of course a very simple example but it is illustrative. The message to pay attention to is that it is important to have friends.  Perhaps we can find ways to stay connected to this friend, as well as making new friends.

CLAIM THAT FEELING

Once you know what you are feeling, do not hesitate to claim it as your own and honor the messenger that brought you this important information.  Feelings are messengers from deep within our psyche that always tell the truth and give us the information we need to learn and grow in a complicated world.  We can credit the emotion of “fear” for example, for letting us know that we are in danger. It’s a beautifully designed warning system. Similarly, when we feel anger, say in response to being treated unfairly, the message is that we need to be more assertive…to stand up for ourselves

TAME THAT FEELING

The problem with overwhelming feelings is that they can overtake us and sometimes render us almost frozen into inaction.  We may know the feeling and honor it as legitimate, but still feel that it is ruling us, rather than the other way around.  In this situation, “taming” our feeling means “turning towards” it with love and self compassion and practicing radical self care in such a way that you are “re parenting” yourself by soothing self talk…never harsh.  It means cutting yourself a break if you need to take “me” time to just feel what you are feeling…knowing that it will not be forever.

And that’s the best part about feeling bad feelings.  It may seem trite but it’s actually true.  This too shall pass.