Mindfulness meditation practices aim to teach the meditator how to accept the reality of “what is” rather than engaging in the fruitless practice of “wishing” things could be different. Achieving a high level of acceptance is especially difficult when life seems particularly “unfair”. We all struggle with this. Its human nature, after all, to envision the way we would like things to unfold. We hold expectations, which are often unconscious, about the way the world “should” be and we sometimes waste a lot of energy on the negative emotions of resentment, disappointment and anger. Alternatively, we may try to deny certain difficult realities or “escape” from uncomfortable feelings through the use of substances or other addictions.
Mindfulness practice offers another way to confront and metabolize our unwanted circumstances and difficult feelings. During a guided meditation we are encouraged to actually “feel” the way we do, and allow that feeling to land in our body. Over time the meditator learns that his/her feelings are valid but they do not need to be overwhelming. In fact, much of the suffering of anxiety is because we resist the way we really feel. In the words of Carl Jung, “what you resist persists”. If you allow the feeling it will usually fade over time. This may seems counterintuitive but it is true. As humans, we are actually more flexible and adaptive than we think. We do get over things and we are capable of growth….even growth after trauma.
It is a common fallacy that the principle of “acceptance” means that one should be passive when life is unfair or unjust…to us or to others. There are times when action is called for and actions can be effective and healing. The trick is to know the difference between the things we can change, and the things we can’t. For example, I can’t change my height or my inheritance of certain genetic traits. Most importantly, I can’t directly change the people in my life. I may be able to influence them, but that is no guarantee that they will “change” in the way I like.
Whenever I am up against the dilemma of figuring out if I can change something I don’t like….I remember “The Serenity Prayer”, one of the great gifts of the Alcoholics Anonymous movement. People with substance abuse problems have often chosen to anesthetize themselves against difficult feelings, so that when they get sober a lot of feelings can surface. It can be overwhelming to work through these feelings and to figure out how to lead a sober life. The serenity prayer helps with this process., It can help all of us. It goes like this:
God give me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The Courage to change the things I can
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
This prayer is simple and yet profound. I hope it can help you the way it has helped me