Every once in awhile it make sense to take stock of the life we are living. For many of us this can be a painful process of figuring out what is “working” as opposed to what is “not working”. Once we get this “figured out”, the next task becomes what to do about the parts of our life that are not going the way we would like.  This is not easy of course. Life is often lived somewhat “robotically” in a sense.  We have deeply ingrained habits that are familiar to us, and change can feel overwhelming and confusing.  Where do we start?

I’d like to suggest that the best way to start thinking about personal change is to begin a process of honest inquiry about how we got to where we are now.  What decisions did we make along the way that led to where we are now?  If we can approach that question with genuine and compassionate curiosity rather than harsh judgment and self-recrimination, we have opened the door to a world of creative problem solving that will ultimately lead to the changes we need to make.

Basically I am advocating for becoming your own best friend as you look at the life you have created.  You created this life through the millions of small decisions you made over the course of your life. Have compassion for yourself as you realize you were doing the best you could at the time.  Isn’t this what you would tell your best friend? Why would you not tell yourself the same thing?

If you get “stuck” in the process of trying to create the life you want, remember that help is available.  All of us need this kind of help from time to time. “Help” might mean your friends, or a therapist. Either way, don’t hesitate to reach out.

Before you do reach out for help though, know that the time you spend viewing yourself with love and compassion, rather than beating up on yourself will put you in the best position to benefit from any kind of help from the outside.  Starting from the position of “self love” allows you to see yourself with honesty and clarity. This is a prerequisite for change.

“It Seems to me some fine things have been laid upon your table. But you always want the things that you can’t have” (From the Eagles song “Desperado” 1971)

Recently, I experienced extreme disappointment when life did not unfold the way I had hoped.  Lets be honest here.  I did not only hope a particular outcome would occur.  I expected it.  I counted on it.  In retrospect, how arrogant am I anyway? Life does not revolve around me.

For several days I was quite inconsolable.  I was angry. I pretty much shut myself off from everyone. Then when I awoke one morning, I heard the above referenced refrain from the Eagles song “Desperado”  singing itself within my mind. I thought about “all of the fine things” that had been laid upon my table and I began to realize how rich and full the life that I have actually is.  Why could I not remember all the “good” when I was feeling this disappointment?

For me, the meaning of the Eagles song has to do with the way we often shut ourselves off and blame an “unfair” world when life does not conform to the way we would like it to be…or the way we think it should be.  From this place of anger, our hearts will also shut down.  We can become emotionally unavailable to ourselves and to others.  We can grow emotionally numb.  I understand this. It’s a defensive posture wherein we are trying to somehow keep ourselves safe and untouchable.  It doesn’t work.  In the Eagles song, the “desperado” is in fact desperate for love at the same time he has shut himself off from the possibility of receiving it. I also relate to the following line in the song:  “You better let somebody love you before it’s too late”. When you decide to remain in a negative and hopeless/helpless “all is lost” mindset for a period of time, people will cease to be around you.  It’s just the way it works.

So what is the answer here?

I have come to believe that the answer begins with acknowledging our grief.  In my case I needed to grieve that the world I thought I lived in did not in fact exist.  I have to take some responsibility for this.  Maybe the evidence was there to suggest that life would not unfold in the way I wanted. I ignored this evidence. It’s humbling for me to admit this, but its also cleansing because I know what I need to forgive myself for  

I’m working on the next step right now.  Its time to open my heart up once again, and be grateful for the things I know I can count on.  These things include my family, my friends, my work, and my purpose in life more broadly. I have to believe everything will be ok in the end and its time to re engage in whatever I can do to make the world a better place.