For most of us, negotiating our primary relationship is difficult in the best of times. If you are living together and raising a family for example, logistics can be challenging and division of labor is always an issue.
What about when you and your partner don’t agree in a “larger” sense? Maybe your politics and “world view” are in conflict. I’ve been hearing about these kinds of relational conflicts recently. Our world does feel more “polarized” now, and we are homebound and “stuck” with each other more than before. Stress is at very high level for many of us right now, and arguments may erupt more frequently.
What can be done to “calm” these relational waters ? Here are some tips:
- Remember why you and your partner are together. Whenever possible remind each other of what drew you together in the first place. Revisiting your “origin”story can strengthen your bond
- If you are finding yourself with strong feelings and a need to express them, arrange a time to have a respectful dialog with your partner. Acknowledge that this is not about who is “right” and who is “wrong”. Its about creating mutual understanding of another point of view.
- When you have the dialog take the time to carefully listen to your partner. Your goal as the “listener” is to listen with curiosity and empathy. Instead of interrupting whenever you hear something you don’t agree with, ask more questions. The questions are meant to give the listener more “clarity” rather than to challenge what you hear. Make sure you each have time to both talk and listen.
- When at all possible, find common ground in what you both believe. If you can find this common ground, it becomes a basis of a new level of understanding. Your opinions may not be as far apart as you think.