When we are surrounded with quality relationships, we live longer and happier lives.  What is sometimes overlooked though, is that we must also strive to have a healthy relationship with ourselves.  How do you feel about yourself?  Do you like the way you show up in the world?  Do you like who you are becoming on this wild and crazy ride called life? Are you “growing” or are you “stagnating” on your journey? 

It many sound trite, but it is also true that if you don’t like yourself, you are making it harder for others to like, and want to be around you.

We hear a lot, I believe, about people who “don’t live up to their potential”.  Maybe this was how you were viewed. The question then becomes, “What is my potential?”  “Who gets to determine this, and how do I know when I get there?” These are all thorny and complicated questions to be sure, and can only be answered when you spend some time discovering your true and “authentic” self. Only then can you set out goals for yourself and do your best to reach those goals.  

It becomes a problem, I think, when you have expectations for yourself that are unrealistically high, and/or too informed by others who constantly tell you they expect “great things” from you.  This is where the concept of perfectionism comes in. “Perfectionistic” thinking means that everything you do must be “perfect”, and that anything “less” than perfect is, by definition, not “good enough”.  Of course, nothing is ever perfect so it becomes a set up for never feeling that you are good enough…at anything you do.  Also, if you have “internalized” an inner “critic” that is constantly judging and comparing yourself to others, you can end up feeling quite depressed, hopeless, and anxious.  It is a very high cost to pay.

So…how can we deal with our “inner critic” and perfectionistic thinking?

A good place to start would be to change your relationship to the concept of failure.  If you start a project and it doesn’t work the way you had hoped, have some patience with yourself, and make an assessment of how to do it differently next time. Expect failure as an important part of learning.  Try again.

As a bonus of learning to expect failure, you will find yourself trying new things that you would not have tried before. Often Perfectionistic people restrict their activities to things they “know they are good at”, and therefore cut themselves off from enriching and fun experiences.

When you take the requirement of “perfectionism off of the table for doing things with others, you will also find you have more harmonious relationships.  This is because you don’t have to be the “best” at everything.  You can let others “win” sometimes and be ok with that. You can even celebrate with them .You can, in fact, strive to be more like someone you admire.  

So…let yourself off that “perfectionistic” hook.  Concentrate instead on the experience of doing whatever it is you are doing. Enjoy yourself and enjoy being with others in a truly happy state of mind.