If you have ever felt intensely jealous of someone who has something, (or someone) that you want, you are probably familiar with your “shadow”.  This is especially true if you battle within yourself about your feelings.  You may, for example, tell yourself that you “shouldn’t” feel this way. Why can’t you be “happy” about the good fortune of someone who you consider to be a good friend?  The answer to this question pertains directly to the concept of the “shadow”

The famous psychologist Carl Jung came up with the concept of the “shadow” to refer to parts of ourselves that we wish we did not have, and indeed we sometimes deny that we do have.  Many of us like to believe that we don’t harbor ill feelings about anybody.  We are good people who don’t have those more “negative” emotions like anger, rage, hatred, resentment, or jealousy.  So what do we do when we feel these so-called “negative” emotions?  One way to deal with these uncomfortable feelings is to just “disown” them, or as Jung would say, we relegate them to our “shadow” self.  The tricky part is that when we put a feeling into our “shadow” self it may be temporarily blocked from our consciousness…but it doesn’t go away.  The feeling is just below the surface, lying in wait so to speak so that when a circumstance triggers the feeling it will come back…. sometimes with new strength and intensity like a pressure cooker that suddenly lets off steam. I would argue that this is what happened in the example I gave of feeling intense feelings of jealousy with the good fortune of a friend. We repressed this feeling when it came up before, and now it’s coming up with a vengeance. It never really went away.

Evolutionarily, it makes sense that human beings are provided with a whole range of emotions.  If we want to survive we need to feel fear and anger to deal with a world that can be scary and threatening.  We need that cortisol and adrenalin.  We need these feelings to trigger the fight/flight/freeze response that may save our life. 

Modern life is not the same as it was for our ancestors though.  The “threats” we feel now are much more likely to be interpersonal, rather than physical like an attack from a wild animal. To the modern mind, someone “getting” something we want, may not directly threaten our physical “life”, but it feels that way internally…. as though there are only so many resources and if someone gets them…we won’t. “I will lose this competitive game of survival”.  That’s how it feels. 

So, now that we know about the existence of our “shadow self”, what can we do?  How do we understand it, harness it, or even “dance” with it in such a way as to be a more conscious, deliberate, and intentional person?

First thing is to admit that we have a shadow and recognize when it shows up.  Rather than recoil from negative feelings, try welcoming them as a bearer of important information.  What is the message?  What are they trying to tell us?  Be curious, rather than fearful.

Once you become conscious of your shadow self, you will begin to see a pattern of when it shows up over the course of your life.  In the example of jealousy, the pattern may be an ongoing longing for what another person has.  Is there something to learn from this person about how to get it?

Here is where the “dance” part of this analogy comes in. The difficult part with emotions is that they may “lead us” to do or say things we will later regret.  This is when the emotions themselves are in the “lead” position in this partner dance.

What if, instead, our curious calmer self starts an inquiry with the uncomfortable feeling.  Our calmer self is now taking the lead.  Slow down, it says, speak to me.  What are you trying to tell me?  I will listen to you but I get to decide what to do with the information you give me.

In my experience the “shadow dance” creates a kind of emotional alchemy, which transforms so-called “negative” emotions into positive, assertive, self-affirming action.  When emotions are strong they have energy, so you can use this energy to create a positive action plan.

Isn’t this better than just pushing that emotion back down into the shadow self where it sits and stews and finds a way to erupt at the worst possible time? 

Next time, when you catch your shadow welcome it and dance with it.