Finding Love…Cultivating a Grateful Heart

Posted on by
Reply

Finding Love….Cultivating A Grateful Heartstock-footage-closeup-of-a-buddhist-monk-with-orange-robe-pray-in-temple

Thanksgiving always reminds me of the importance of Gratitude for living a fulfilled and awakened life. This year what I also realized though, is that I don’t always feel grateful. I complain. I criticize. I judge the actions of others. I forget in these moments that much of what I see “out there” in the world of “not me” actually exists “in here”….that is within me. When I am truly honest with myself I admit that what I don’t like in others is actually a reflection of some part of me. Put another way, the truth is that…in some way, at some time, and to some extent….I am that too  (whatever “that” is in that moment

The Full Meaning Of  “I am That”

When I think of “I am that” I am referring to “that” as the wonderful magnificence of me…as well as the shadowy hidden parts of me. I am “all of that” in equal measure, in fact. I had a spiritual teacher who would say….if you see it, and can recognize it, then you are it. I believe this.

Cultivating Gratitude For All Of It

From this more “all encompassing” perspective, I feel called upon to cultivate gratitude in my life. I am grateful for all that I may label as “good”, as well as all that I may label as “bad” at any given time. Most of all , I am grateful for the “unifying field” that holds it all together and allows for the possibility that we can all be “at one” with one another. “Wholeness” and “Oneness” is what I seek at all times for myself and for the world

From Gratitude…Flows Forgiveness

It seems to me that from a place of gratitude, forgiveness can begin to flow easily and abundantly. Surely, if I am “that” and you are also “that” then we can forgive both ourselves and everyone else who may have “wronged” us. Actually, in fact, forgiving one is forgiving the other. Is there really any separation?

Now Love Emerges fully realized

Now is when love begins to really emerge into consciousness. It was always there but it can now be seen and felt in a way that was not possible before.

My gratitude then becomes a gratitude for the love that is everywhere present .….within and without all of us at all times.

So…Thank you, Thank you, and Thank you again

prayer of Gratitude

prayer of Gratitude

 

 

 

 

 

Finding Love….How To Reclaim Your Hidden Self

Posted on by
Reply

Finding Love…. Reclaiming and Celebrating the Hidden Self

Wholeness

Wholeness

I’ve recently begun a series of blogs devoted to solving the “riddle” of “Finding Love” in our lives. First I talked about “The Importance of Feeling Seen”. Next I touched upon “Daring to be vulnerable”. Now I want to talk more specifically about the part of us that often is not seen by others…the “hidden” self that feels tender and vulnerable and remains unseen unless we allow it to emerge from the shadows of our personality. In fact, the famous psychologist Carl Jung referred to our hidden self as the “shadow”. In simple terms, your “shadow” is any part of yourself that you don’t want to be seen by others…and in fact you may not even allow yourself to see it because you have denied it for so long or buried it so deep. Examples of “shadow” parts of us might be our extreme shame, or our desperate longing to be loved…orperhaps our bitter jealousy of a sister, brother, or friend.

Virtually anything can be in our shadow if its something we don’t want to “own” or admit to. It could even be a hidden talent that we are afraid to develop lest we won’t be perfect at it. Whatever the shadow is doesn’t matter. What matters is uncovering it…first to yourself…and then to another with whom you wish to achieve authentic intimacy. Uncovering and exposing your shadow is important work on the path to wholeness and, I believe essential for finding lasting love.

How Do You Know What’s In Your Shadow?

I think most of us are pretty conscious of certain parts of ourselves that we keep hidden much of the time. Who amongst us has not been jealous or envious for example? Recently I have found that it’s quite liberating to admit to my trusted women friends that I have felt jealous of them from time to time. I was amazed when I did this. When my jealously was hidden and suppressed I found it difficult to be happy for the good fortune of my friends. When I admitted envy, I could rejoice with them. I could join with my friend and we could be happy together. My jealously came out of the shadows and became an admitted part of who I am.

Now…. Look At Your Projections and Discover The Connection Between Judgment And Projection

In order to find deeper parts of our shadow selves that we really don’t want to admit to or just can’t see, we have to notice the places where we sit in extreme judgment of other people. What happens is that when we really don’t want to admit to a trait within ourselves we react strongly to that trait in another person. This very human tendency is called “Projection” and it’s a really good way to keep our shadow selves at bay. For me, a really good example was when a good friend of mine got a new car that I’d been coveting for a while, but I could not afford right now. All of a sudden I was talking negatively to others about the extreme foolishness of her buying this car. My extreme reaction was Projection. I could not just be happy for her until I admitted my jealousy and took back the projection. My projection, in this case gave me a clue about that same old hidden part of myself called envy

Know That You Are Enough

Brene Brown is a well-known “Shame” researcher who has studied the emotion of shame extensively. One of her findings is that people who are driven by the need to be “perfect” are often keeping huge parts of themselves hidden from themselves and others. What they are keeping hidden is obviously anything that does not fit the image that they are trying to project of being “perfect”. These hidden “non perfect” aspects are part of the shadow of a perfectionist. What a burden! Perfectionism becomes a problem of course, simply because it is unobtainable. Brene Brown stresses the importance of Knowing that you are enough which means, I believe owning all of the parts of yourself…the perfect and the imperfect. In her book, Daring To Be Vulnerable Dr. Brown also talks about how often all of us avoid looking at the imperfect parts of ourselves by staying ultra busy, or numbing ourselves with the many distractions that are available in our modern world. Drugs and alcohol also serve this purpose.

So…. Celebrate All Of Who You Are

So…now that you know how to find your “hidden self”, rejoice in it, reveal it, and celebrate your well-earned place in the human race. People will find you much more approachable as you emerge from the shadows, as long as you surround yourself with a trusted cadre of like-minded folks. One of my favorite songwriters is Leonard Cohen. He has a great line in one of his songs about how true enlightenment comes when a crack appears in anything that we as humans call “perfect” This is how the line goes: “There is a crack, a crack, in everything…that’s how the light gets in. That’s how the light gets in”

 

 

 

Finding Love…Daring To Be Vulnerable

Posted on by
Reply
complete solar eclipse

complete solar eclipse

After finishing my last blog entitled “The Importance Of Feeling Seen”, I realized something really important. It is easy and perhaps obvious to recognize that “feeling really seen” by others brings us a great deal of joy and satisfaction…. but rarely do we actually allow ourselves this experience. Even in close friendships and romantic relationships we struggle with this issue. In so many situations we hide important aspects of ourselves, as we assume, usually without a shred of evidence, that parts of us are unacceptable to others. Clearly we can only have the experience of being seen if we really put ourselves out there to be seen. What a shame our “hiding “ is, when you think about it, especially if we consider that everyone else is doing exactly the same thing. We relate to each to each other all the time while revealing only a small fraction of who we are. Our true selves are actually “eclipsed” in a way by our own inner “sensor”. Why is this? What can we do about it?

Vulnerability

The simple answer as to why most of us “hide” so much of the time has to do with the concept of vulnerability. According to the Merrion Webster dictionary, vulnerability means: 1. “Capable of being physically or emotionally wounded” 2. Open to attack or damage.”

This definition is apt in terms of emotional vulnerability, I think. Who amongst us has not been emotionally wounded by people we have allowed ourselves to trust? We are naturally afraid, and so we protect ourselves against “re wounding” by keeping our tender and vulnerable parts well hidden from others…and even hidden from ourselves sometimes. We actually construct a kind of emotional “armor” around these vulnerable places in our attempt to stay “safe”. Unfortunately this “armor” can also keep us isolated and unavailable to others

The Problem With Emotional Armor

Emotional armor is actually really important to human psychological makeup. It is the truth, after all, that not everyone can be trusted to have our best interests at heart. When we first meet someone, especially, we probably want to stay somewhat guarded. The problem occurs when our tendency to be ever “vigilant” to possible danger becomes “over determined” so that we are closed up and emotionally unavailable all of the time. What can be done in this instance?

Taking A Risk

The only way to break through our own resistance to “opening up”, the way I see it, is to just take the risk…”just do it”… even if only in a small way. This can be a “test” of your unconscious, or maybe conscious, hypothesis that “letting people” take a peek inside is a dangerous thing. See what happens when you do it. You may be quite surprised. You may assume you are going to be hurt by others, only to find that quite the opposite occurs.

Admission Of Vulnerability Is a Sign Of Personal Strength, Not Weakness

My hypothesis is that admitting vulnerability is actually a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. I think there is a cultural “myth out there that tells us not to admit to
vulnerability lest we be considered “weak”. Who are we kidding? The human condition is one of constant vulnerability in all realms of our lives. Living in denial of this reality only makes us susceptible to it, I think, because we are shocked beyond belief when the inevitable disasters of our lives actually occur. This doesn’t mean I think we should live in a constant state of fear of all potential dangers…far from it. I think it’s more about acceptance that things will happen over which we have no control so why not just give up the struggle? We just have to live with this reality, without letting it paralyze us. I think admitting vulnerability in personal relationships is exactly the same as admitting it in all parts of our lives. Yes, we are human. Yes, we have been hurt and we have hurt others. It has happened before and will probably happen again. And yet, we still long to be connected. We still need it. We need to take the risk.

Admission Of Vulnerability As a Prerequisite To Intimacy

The trick of becoming truly intimate with another person lies, I believe in the “give and take” of sharing your personal stories. As one person begins to reveal the vulnerabilities inherent in his/her stories the other feels the permission and the safety to do exactly the same thing. Next thing you know, you are both fully engaged in sharing the real experience of being human and finding the mutual empathy of that shared human experience. In my previous blog I refer to this experience as feeling “mirrored”. There is nothing like it…and no other way to have the shared empathy you need for true intimacy. If this is not the right person for the sharing…don’t worry…you will figure it out soon enough. Just pay attention. Open your heart to the “heart click” that is the sign of true intimacy. You will know it when you feel it.

It feels a little like…dare I say it?  falling in love.

 

 

 

 

Finding Love….The Importance Of Feeling “Seen”

Posted on by
Reply
Baby In Mirror

Baby In Mirror

 

I have not posted in awhile, but have not lost sight of my intention to explore the mystery of how to find love in our lives. I’m offering a way that we can each create an individualized roadmap in order to embark on this life altering journey. I will be breaking down the journey in a series of blogs. This one is about looking carefully at where we are right now in terms of feeling we are “fully seen” by important people in our lives…including ourselves. I believe this is the first step toward the ultimate goal of wholeheartedly giving and receiving love.

       My long hiatus from writing blogs has come about because of two recent experiences in my life. In the “living” of these experiences I have learned something that I only knew intellectually before. My “embodied” learning is the following: I don’t believe that any of us humans can fully give and receive love unless we have had the experience of being fully seen, heard, and understood by meaningful people in our lives. . My first experience was attending the “Burning Man” festival in the Black Rock desert of Nevada. The second experience was attending a 2-day couples therapy workshop where I learned something of the principles and practice of Imago couples therapy.

Burning Man

The Burning Man experience is difficult to explain in a few sentences, but for the purposes of this blog, the feature I want to concentrate on is a Burning Man main principle. It is the principle of “Radical Inclusion”…. which basically means you are encouraged to show up at the event in whatever way best expresses your true and most authentic self. Of course, in such an environment people are going to dress, or not dress, in very extreme ways…but this is exactly the point. What I found at Burning Man was that I got to “play” with as many versions of myself as I wanted…and everything was accepted and celebrated. This might sound like a really fun costume party…but actually it was a whole lot more. Much more important was the “heady” feeling I got that people really saw and appreciated me. I felt like I was about 3 years old on the jungle gym…saying, “Look at me!!!” At the same time, of course, I was looking at everyone else and appreciating the way they were presenting themselves. The best way to sum up the experience is that a true feeling of love and acceptance permeated through my body and soul at Burning Man. It was a feeling of love for everything and everybody, and I promise you that no drugs were involved. Wonder why “Burners” go back to Burning Man year after year? This is a big part of why. We don’t get this experience in life on a daily basis. More’s the pity. I think we really need it.

Imago Couples Therapy

It was excellent timing for me to attend the Imago Couples therapy workshop right after Burning Man. In this training I learned the importance of “mirroring” for the quality of  couples communication …that is the importance of being able to feed back to a person that you have really heard and understood them. This is not unlike the experience of mother and baby. When a young baby is held in his/her caregiver’s arms, the caregiver ideally “mirrors” back to the infant that this infant is seen, heard, and loved. The “mirroring” is done through the “baby talk” of the adult who is responding minute to minute to the baby’s vocalizations…maybe even imitating them. This is the basis of attachment. This is the basis of love. More fundamentally, the “mirroring” experience in early infancy is what gives the baby the experience of actually existing. (kind of a I am mirrored, therefore I am)  When an infant experiences the facial expressions and “attunement” of a caregiver, this infant feels love. And the love feeds back to the caregiver who loves back in equal measure

The Couple Is Just Like Mother/Father and baby

Attachment in a couple is actually exactly like mother/father and baby attachment. Through the repetitive “mirroring” exercises of imago therapy, each member of the couple practices hearing and repeating back exactly what they heard from the other half of the couple. The result is pretty amazing, as each member of the couple understands, maybe for the very first time, what it is like to stand in the shoes of his partner without judgment and assumption. Love can begin to flow freely again  from a place of truly understanding who that person before you actually is.

What These Experiences Can Teach About The Importance Of Feeling Seen

After the experience of Burning Man and now having tried leading couples through mirroring exercises, I’m convinced that we must each find ways to bring the people and experiences into our life who allow us to  feel fully seen, understood, and appreciated. These days I’m not willing to spend much time with people when this is not the case…Life is too short and I know for a fact that love can only emerge, thrive, and grow when enough of your environment “mirrors” back to you your full, flawed, and ultimately imperfect self.

 

 

 

Finding Your Way To Love…The Journey Begins

Posted on by
Reply

Finding Your Way To Love….The Journey BeginsKlimit the Kiss

I would like to invite you to go on a journey with me. The destination I have in mind can be reached at the end of an interesting and sometimes challenging treasure hunt. So, you may ask, “What is the treasure we seek?”   In my view this treasure is far greater than any material possession you could ever imagine. The treasure that can be yours, and mine, if we chose this journey, is the finding of true love in our lives. Finding “true love” for you may take the form of finally connecting with the “soul mate” you have been longing for. Or, if you are already in a solid relationship, your treasure may be discovering a deeper and more intimate connection with your beloved. Your “treasure” may even be connecting more deeply with your family and friends. In this treasure hunt you define your treasure. What do you long for? How do you want to feel in your most important relationships?

Defining your destination and creating your map…What is your starting point?

At the beginning of any journey it is useful to consult a map. The map begins with where you are right now and ends with your final destination. In the case of finding love the only difference is that you create the map in your imagination. It is therefore unique to you. You will need to decide where you are right now, and where it is you want to go. This may sound obvious and simplistic, but actually it’s not always.” It’s important to be able to take an honest look at yourself and make peace with the “way things are” right now. For example, you may need to admit, “Yes, I am just really lonely and I long for a life partner, or, yes, it’s true, I feel alienated from my family or distant from my partner.” Admitting these things may feel incredibly vulnerable, but it’s an essential “starting point” for you journey. So…. where are you right now? Only you know the answer.

Using “Visioning” To Discover Your Destination

Dr. Michael Beckworth, founder of the Agape spiritual movement in Southern California, is a proponent of the use of Visioning to actually help us each, individually, to “open ourselves up to what love feels like.” This is the first step to being receptive to love when it shows up. If we have been alone for a long time, for example, we may not remember the feeling of loving another and being loved in return. In visioning, the idea is to take time to immerse yourself in a meditative and/or prayerful state of mind and just observe and feel what comes up as you imagine loving another without reservation, and being loved for exactly who you are. In visioning, you call forth all that you have ever experienced about the feeling of love. Then you allow yourself to feel all of these feelings. The key here is that we have to convince ourselves at our very core that such love is possible and that we are deserving of it. This is really essential because if we don’t believe love will happen to us, it simply won’t. Visioning is a creative process whereby we can harness the power of our imagination to actually change core beliefs we may have been carrying around for a long time.

The difference between Visioning and Visualization

There is a process in metaphysical thought called visualization whereby the practitioner is encouraged to clearly visualize exactly what he or she wants in great detail and somehow “if you see it, it will come” That’s not what visioning is. In visioning the idea is to open up your heart and call forth that which lies dormant within you and allow your deepest feelings and desires to emerge. In visioning, it is not about what your conscious mind already “thinks” it knows…. rather it is about opening up your consciousness and discovering that, at your very core, there is a deeper knowing that we all possess about what true love really is…and how it feels from the inside out. If we can feel it, remember it, and believe in it…. it can be ours. In your conscious mind, you might believe that there is a checklist of attributes that must be possessed by “the one” who will be your soul mate. He/she must be tall, blond, and rich for example. However, if you depend upon such a checklist you may well miss out on your treasure when it shows up. You won’t recognize it, because it does not fit your criteria.

Ok…what now…I’ve got my starting point and I have an idea of how I want to feel when I have brought love into my life.

You now have an idea of where you are now and how you want to feel when you reach you destination (your treasure). Obviously this does not mean your relationships are now wonderful and/or you have found the one. Stay tuned to my next series of blogs and we can learn together how to tackle the various roadblocks and obstacles that may block our path. The blocks and obstacles are like the physical challenges that a car might encounter as it travels its way across the country. Some of these challenges are expected, and some take us by surprise as we make our way to the final destination. The important thing is just to stay on the road and keep moving forward.

 

By Leslie Kays

The Golden Key To Long Life And Happiness

Posted on by
Reply

 

Sustained Happiness

Recently there has been a proliferation of research regarding the nature of “Happiness”…that elusive state of mind that we all crave. Much of this research comes from the relatively new field of “Positive” psychology. The research methodology often involves compiling “self report” surveys from all over the world. The main question asked of people recruited for the survey is very simple. It is usually some variation of   “How happy are you, and to what do you attribute your level of happiness? Research subjects are given general categories from which to choose including health, wealth, spiritual practice, relationships with family and friends…etc. The findings after upwards of 15 years of this kind of research are shocking…but not altogether surprising.

General Findings Of Happiness Research

As compared with middle age adults in other highly industrialized countries, Americans rate extremely low on the “happiness” scale. Our rates of anxiety and depression are sky high. At the same time we have disturbingly high rates of “mood” disorder and general discontent, we also spend the most money trying to solve our “happiness problem”. Common attempts to “feel better” include buying the latest technological toy, taking exotic and exciting vacations, working on improving our bodies, engaging in numerous “self help” activities, and taking psychiatric medications. Overall these attempts appear not to be working. At the very least, the results don’t seem to last.

So…What’s Wrong With This Picture?

To put it simply…in popular American culture, many of us seem to be seeking happiness in all the wrong places. We would do well to look at the activities and values of people in other parts of the world who report higher levels of happiness…as well as looking at populations in the United States who report higher long-term levels of happiness. When researchers did exactly this, here is what they found:

The Top Three Characteristics Of People Who Report High Levels Of Happiness

  1. The happiest amongst us consistently report that they enjoy meaningful, intimate, relationships with family and/or friends
  2. A higher degree of contentment is correlated with those who have found a sense of purpose in their lives. This can be achieved either through work that is more of a “calling”, or really anything that one can feel passionate about
  3. A belief in something that is greater than the “self” also brings about a sense of peace and acceptance. Anxieties are “soothed” by this idea, and it does not necessarily mean the belief in any particular religious ideology…although it could.
  4. People who know how to re-write their life story are happier and probably have a longer, healthier life!

Importance of Relationship

The good news is that improving your relationships is something anybody can do at any time. It doesn’t take huge amounts of money unless you are amongst those who really need to work on how to connect with others. Here are some steps you might consider:

  1. Assess your current relationship environment. Does everyone you deal with on a daily basis add value to your life? If not consider gently letting go of those who do not. This could even mean changing jobs if you are forced to work in a hostile environment
  2. Consider reconnecting with people from your past. These people are like “gold” because they can help you reconnect with lost parts of yourself that can enrich your present sense of yourself
  3. Nurture your relationships every day. Don’t be afraid to be the first to call. If you find you are “working too hard” to keep something going though, this is another sign you may need to let a relationship go
  4. Don’t forget to be your own best friend. Spend time alone getting to know yourself in an atmosphere of quiet contemplation. Become curious and interested in the world through whatever “portal” makes sense to you (such as books, movies, nature) This will make you interesting to others and people will want to be around you.

Live Long And Thrive

I’m aware this is the Kaiser tag line, but I’m gonna borrow it because I like it. The longest living amongst us always report that they derive energy and the “will to live” through their relationships. As an added bonus, successful long-term romantic relationships often begin as deep committed friendships. Friendship is the fertile soil out of which intimacy sprouts and flourishes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Concious Uncoupling”…..How To Say Goodbye With Ease And Grace

Posted on by
Reply

I am normally not a “star Gazer”, in the sense of following the personal lives of movie stars. My attention was grabbed however, by the story of how Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin ended their “10 plus “ year relationship.  This famous couple has made their breakup, which they refer to as a process of “Conscious Uncoupling”, very public. They give credit to the relationship expert, Katherine Woodward,thumbn_105562590 for guiding them through a thoughtful and heartfelt five-step process of saying goodbye to one another.  The five steps are worth checking out, I think, as they offer hope that it is possible to end a relationship with a feeling of goodwill and respect between the parties.  This benefits not only the parties themselves, but everyone else associated with the parties…such as children and other extended family and friends.

Step One…. Get A Handle On Hot Emotions

There can be no doubt that going through a breakup causes a volcano of strong emotions to erupt within the individuals involved.  All of the most basic emotions are triggered in such a situation…including grief, fear, and anger.  Added to this, there is often the shock of something that seems to come “out of left field” and turn the trajectory of life upside down.  Two pieces of advice are important here.  First one….Its important to allow oneself to feel the emotion all the way through…don’t deny or repress.  Secondly, it’s important to have a “vent buddy”.  You don’t want to “act” on emotions while in a heightened emotional state as you may do or say something that causes you more grief later on.  You do want to express the emotions, though, to a trusted friend or therapist who will hold your confidentiality.

Step Two…Don’t Wait For Time To Heal Your Broken Heart…. Be Proactive

In Conscious Uncoupling, the concept of actively and proactively grieving is stressed.  Research has shown that the brain chemistry of “loss” is exactly the same for relationship breakup as it is if you had experienced the death of a loved one.  In both cases, stress hormones bring about feelings of extreme depression and anxiety.  Really, we should get bereavement leave for separation and divorce, but the society pretty much minimizes these life events. So…how do you “actively grieve?”  In the Conscious Uncoupling” process, it is suggested that  setting a conscious intention from the very beginning to make something meaningful and even beautiful out of your personal trauma can mitigate prolonged grief.  You may not believe it in the beginning, but you can set the intention anyway.  In the mystic spiritual traditions, it is recognized that personal suffering, breaks the heart open for personal growth. Start to embrace this concept. 

Step Three…. Don’t Get Stuck In Blame And Shame

The extreme position of being a Victim of grievous wrongdoing in a “breakup” situation can feel initially righteous and justified.  It may very well be quite justified.  The problem comes with “holding on” to the victim story.  Growth is impeded at this point.  It’s equally important to let go of any shame that may be either self imposed, or imposed by the society.  Society employs the word “broken family” when separation and divorce occurs…but this is actually inaccurate when looking at things from a longer view.  In today’s world, families can be seen as “expanded” and “changed” rather than permanently “broken”. Languaging can be important.

 Steps Four and Five…Learning Communication Techniques and aligning your community. It’s Important in cases where children are involved

How to proceed with steps four and five, depends on how well the parties in the relationship are able to communicate, and how necessary ongoing communication is.   Admittedly, many relationships break up in ways which involve extreme forms of betrayal (affairs) and/or domestic violence.  In such cases, it may be that true communication can’t happen without a third party to mediate. According to “conscious uncoupling” paradigm, though, even if you can’t communicate directly with your “ex”, you can find ways to ask for what you want clearly and “non violently”.  You can do this especially well if you have moved beyond blame and shame.  Classes and/or coaching in “non violent” communication can be very helpful. Mutually agreeable solutions can be reached.

“Aligning” your community refers to the importance of talking to family and friends about your decision to refrain from engaging in negative language and blame regarding your “ex” and his/her present partner (if there is one) This may be the hardest thing of all to do, and may not reflect your true feelings.  In such cases, you may still need your “vent buddy”, but publicly, you are making it smoother for your children and all of your friends…past and present… if you can adopt the “no blame” stance.

So there you have the five steps of the “conscious Uncoupling” process.  It feels like an ideal to me…a work in progress that is way easier said than done.
Let me know what you think

By Leslie Kays MFT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                         

Want A Clear Path To An Awakened Life?..

Posted on by
Reply

A root cause of “relationship distress” is the “re-opening of a primary childhood wound.” This wound is related to the doubt we have all carried around, since childhood, about our inherent “lovability”.  Although it is true, of course, that each of us has a different experience of being loved and cared for in childhood…. none of us ever gets that “perfect” love we long for.  When someone hurts us again in a  way we have been hurt before, we feel that hurt all over again.  Each of us has very specific “triggers” that function as entry points to our own particular version of the  “wound.”  Clinical psychologist Dr. John Welford believes that the search for a “love” partner in life is all about finding a way to heal our original childhood wound.  We are testing the strength of our “lovability” in the courtship process, as well as testing how well we can love our chosen partner. It is therefore a process of simultaneously giving and receiving as we risk “putting ourselves out there”

Dr. Welford also believes that, because our sense of being a complete and lovable self  is so dependent on how others perceive us, we have mixed feelings  about attaching ourselves to another too deeply. In our own minds there is always the possibility that we will be forced to change who we really are in order to be what we think our partners want us to be.  The fear of “giving up” our power in this way can lead to carrying around resentment about dependency in close relationships. Our task is how to navigate this delicate tightrope of needing something so badly at the same time resenting and/or fearing this need.  In addition to this, we may also be perpetually afraid that we won’t be able to hold onto what we have, once we have it. Is this not the very definition of vulnerability?  What kind of skills do we need to help us with this crucial navigation task? To put it in another way…what state of consciousness do we need to adopt in order to walk the “tightrope” with ease and grace?

First…Remember That The Love You Seek Is Already Yours 

At first glance, the concept of already having what you seek may seem counterintuitive. However, if you think of the concept of Love differently and see it as an absolute principle that operates in the world rather than a relative commodity that is traded back and forth and can be lost and found…. You will know that love is always there. You just have to see it and claim it. I knew a songwriter/philosopher once who wrote lyrics about absolute love that sum up what I mean beautifully.  Tad’s words were as follows: “In the colors of the morning sky, in the face of just one passerby, a gift, a song, a way to be…. Love is waiting patiently.  The message of this song, for me, is about the Omniscience of love.  As Tad so poignantly states in his song, Love is everywhere!..It is waiting patiently for you to claim it for yourself. He also talks about the importance of “letting the love in” to your wounded heart.  This speaks to the importance of cultivating an “open” heart and allowing love to heal what ails you.

Next…Consider The Possibility That Relationship Is The Path To Healing Your Original Childhood Wound 

If you are starting from the place of knowing that you already have love in your life, then all of your important relationships are about sharing that love with another, and reminding each other of its existence. This would apply, I think, weather we are talking about your “life partner”, your child, or your best friend. Awareness of Love’s Omniscience is a consciousness shift, I think. That said, it is of course important to be cautious and protective of yourself in the beginning of a relationship. The love between you and this person needs to be solid and trustworthy, before you open yourself up too completely.  Inevitably, though, because you are transparently revealing yourself to another, you will experience hurt. Something may be said that reminds you of an earlier experience in your child hood, your “guard” is down, and that old childhood cluster of wounds is “triggered”.  At this point, according to Dr. Welford, you have a choice.  Do you “act out” against the person who has inadvertently “pushed a button”?  Do you become angry and defensive and try to hurt that person back?  Or, do you choose to understand this “trigger point” as an important key to understanding yourself. If you chose the later option, you have given yourself and your partner a precious gift.  Together you can investigate what “just happened”, and draw from that deep pool of absolute love to understand both yourself and your partner at a whole new level.  The trick is to keep blame and criticism out of the conversation, which is of course the difficult part in a culture, which is so often so judgmental. Intimacy is, in my view, the antithesis of judgment and blame. It is about opening up your own narrow view of the world to incorporate the world view of another. This is why I see creating “heart centered” intimacy as a clear path to an awakened life.   Without the judgment and blame of either yourself or others, You  awaken to to who you and your” beloved” really are.

By Leslie Kays MFT

 

Co-Creating A Lasting Relationship…..Five Essential Keys

Posted on by
Reply
In The Shelter Of Each Other

In The Shelter Of Each Other

Gay and Katie Hendrix have been married for over thirty years.  Throughout their marriage and their professional careers as couple psychotherapists, they have sought the answer to an important question in modern American life.  That question is: “Why don’t relationships seem to last these days?” It’s a good question, I think.  The divorce rate in the United States is creeping towards 60%, which is a staggering statistic…especially when you consider that it doesn’t even include what we think of as “common law” marriages.  What is going on here?

After many years of research, and, they will tell you, painstaking experimentation with their own marriage, the Hendrix’s have come up with some important keys to creating a “lasting” and “fulfilling” relationship.

1:  In All Communications With Your Partner, Strive Toward Complete Honesty, Transparency, and Authenticity

The Hendrix’s speak of this idea that intimacy is created when both partners in the couple learn to tell the “microscopic” truth to each other.  By this they mean, I think, that each partner learn to actually describe to the other what is going on for them from the “inside out”…. including thoughts, feelings, and even bodily sensations.  For example, if you are describing for your partner an experience that caused you to be extremely fearful or anxious, you might say: “My heart was beating fast and my palms were sweaty.”  You might think that such a visceral “blow by blow” account would be “off putting”, and you would be seen as weak and vulnerable.  In fact quite the opposite is the case. When hearing about the emotional pain of a loved one… the “mirror” neurons of empathy are activated  in the central nervous system of the other person.  This is a true “bonding” experience.

As a corollary to the “microscopic” truth, the Hendrix’s also talk about the importance of having a “no secrets” policy in a committed relationship.  In this instance, they are talking about secrets large and small.  A small secret might be, “I overdrew the checking account”.  A big secret would be: “Oh, I forgot to mention, I’ve got a child from a previous relationship.”

An important distinction needs to be made, I think, between what is a “secret” and what is “private”.  A “secret” is information you are deliberately withholding because you know that the disclosure of it will create some kind of “waves” in your relationship.  You want to avoid that, but the constant “avoidance” of the truth will always come back on you tenfold in the long run and lead to erosion of trust. Privacy has more to do with the careful guarding of your own inner life in a protective way. You may or may not reveal information to select and trusted others in the fullness of time.

2. Each Partner Has The Responsibility To Shake Up The Relationship On A Regular Basis

We are creatures of habit, and although overall this creates a feeling of security and predictability, its important to note that we also crave novelty and variety.  “Shaking it up” can be as simple as trying a new restaurant, sleeping on the other side of the bed, or vacationing in a new spot.  How far to move your partner out of his/her comfort zone is an important skill, however.  You don’t want to have the unrealistic expectation that your partner will do something so far out of their comfort zone that they are truly uncomfortable. (And then blame them for it!)

3. Practice Giving Your Partner 10 to 12 compliments a day, and include with this practice plenty of “touching” “hugging” and “eye contact”

Does this sound “New age” and trite?  Ok…but be aware that verbalizations and gestures of love and affection sprinkled throughout the day are actually found to be extremely highly correlated with successful long term “pair bonding” in much of the animal kingdom, including humans.  This is sound neuroscience which is founded on brain imaging that shows areas of the brain to “light up” when the “pleasure centers” are stimulated. The “pleasure centers” are stimulated through words and gestures of love.  Furthermore, “love memory” exists wherein we can see the pleasure centers light up even in the anticipation of being reunited with a loved one. This can be seen in our closest evolutionary relatives, the great apes, but is perfected to a very sophisticated degree in humans. In addition to this, the hormone oxytocin is released with physical contact, or even the anticipation of physical contact. It’s quite amazing really.The important thing to remember though, is that stores of oxytocin must be constantly replenished, or the well can run dry.

 4. Strive To Eliminate Blame And Criticism From Your Relationship

This is perhaps the hardest “key” of all.  Do we not all become irritated and upset with our partners? Also, if there is honesty and transparency in a relationship, surely some of this “honesty” is going to be of the negative variety?  Here is what the Hendrix’s think about this: It is the their contention that it is a given that much of what we see and don’t like in the “other”, particularly our most significant other, is actually a reflection or an indication  of  something we cannot allow in ourselves. 

In psychological terms this is known as “Projection”, and it is thought to run pretty rampantly, albeit unconsciously, in couples.

The trick is to tease out what the projection actually is…that is.. what is really bugging you underneath the surface issue?

In other words, what  is triggering you?  The example given in the case of the Hendrix marriage was that Gay Hendrix would always get really angry if his wife Katie came home later than promised.  In his own “self” examination he was able to remember his mother leaving him at home after school.  Katie was therefore “triggering” abandonment issues in her husband  and causing him to feel unsafe and vulnerable every time she was late. In Gays case, “vulnerability” was not a very acceptable “manly” way to feel, so he converted this unacceptable feeling to anger and projected it onto Katie. It wasn’t actually about Katie at all.

In my view, totally eliminating blame and criticism from any close relationship is a tall order.  However, it makes sense to examine your own feelings every time you are intensely triggered by your partner…. every time you see red, or feel that your world is falling apart.  When confronting your partner about the feelings that have arisen in you, you can offer the microscopic disclosure that I mentioned earlier on. Just naming the feeling and having the attitude of curiosity and discovery about where that feeling might come from will go a long way toward dissipating the intensity of the feeling. Ideally, “blame” will fall away, and your partner will be happy to do whatever he/she can to heal the “wound” that has been uncovered.

5. As A Capstone to all the other Keys, Commitment and Intention to Co-Create the best possible Relationship for Both Of You Is Essential

It almost goes without saying, but bears repeating, that none of the other relationship skills are worth anything without the commitment to make it all work.  Equally shared responsibility and somehow having the unspoken agreement that you will not, either of you, lightly let this relationship go…feel like the true “Art of Relationship”. Its almost impossible to define…but clear to you both when you have landed in this consciously loving and sacred place. You won’t ever want to leave.

By Leslie Kays MFT

 

 

 

The Modern “Dance Of Intimacy” Oxytocin vs Testosterone

Posted on by
Reply
The Modern "Dance" Of Intimacy

The Modern “Dance” Of Intimacy

Twenty-two years ago the book “Men Are From Mars, Women are from Venus” hit the “Relationship Help” section of many bookstores. In this book author John Grey created controversy with his bold assertion that, in fact men and women were very different.  The differences showed up, according to Dr. Grey, in very fundamental ways…. such as how communication happens, how needs are met, and how a feeling of “safety, security and stress reduction is achieved.  In a recent interview, Dr. Grey elaborated on the differences between men and women in terms of stress reduction. He now claims female/male differences are due to the fact that men predominately reduce stress and feel secure by having optimal levels of the hormone “testosterone” available in their nervous system. In contrast to this, women achieve feelings of safety, security, and low stress when they have plenty of the hormone “oxytocin” on board. So, how does this work, and how does he know it is so?  It makes sense, actually, when you think about it from an anthropological/sociological perspective 

Testosterone and Oxytocin and how they function adaptively as hormones 

Testosterone is a hormone produced in men and women, but it is generally produced in larger quantities in men.  Testosterone is responsible for sex drive and aggression. It has been found to “flood” the endocrine system, particularly in men, when these men are involved in competitive and/or very “driven” and “goal oriented” activities.  Too much testosterone can be a bad thing, obviously, and can lead to violent and “out of control” behavior. Testosterone is associated with anger and destruction.  On the “plus” side, it has been postulated that evolutionarily speaking, optimal levels of testosterone in men are correlated with success on the “hunt” in “Hunter/ Gatherer” societies.  In earlier days, successful hunting was essential for survival of the species. It could be argued that the men who were doing the hunting felt good, satisfied, and content, after a successful hunt, thus creating the desire to hunt again.

Oxytocin, in contrast to testosterone, is known as the “love” hormone or the bonding hormone. Women produce it in their bodies in order to facilitate bonding with newborn babies,. It is also released in other skin-to-skin contact situations. One can imagine, again in Hunter Gatherer societies, that the women spent a lot of time together in tribes where they found safety in numbers and hung out with other females to take care of the young. There is no doubt that oxytocin release feels good.  We are, after all, social animals.

The Oxytocin/Testosterone Dance 

It must be said, of course, that both men and women produce oxytocin and testosterone, and also that people vary widely as to how much of these hormones they produce.  There are individual differences.  John Grey simply suggests that men on the whole tend to “lead” with testosterone, while women are more prone to “lead” with oxytocin. It’s important to note though “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” was first published in 1992.  In the book, Dr. Grey outlines the “dance” between men and women as a paradigm where the woman is at home with young children, soaking up the “oxytocin” with her children, but also becoming exhausted with childcare, and wanting to “bond” with her husband when he gets home. She needs the same feeling with him she was able to get with her children…but probably needs a more “adult” version than she can get from young children.  When her husband gets home, she pursues him, in Greys Scenario, and begs him to cuddle and bond with her and the children.  She wants to enfold her husband with the family oxytocin…and talk through feelings, ECT…. in order to feel more “connected” and secure

 

“Hubby,” on the other hand, according to Dr. Grey, has just had a full, and probably competitive day at work.  He may be feeling low levels of testosterone because he has not been successful in his projects or maybe he has been criticized or “put down”.  He may feel insecure and incompetent.  It is at this point, suggests Dr. Grey, that “Hubby” may need to temporarily “retreat”…to what has been jokingly called his “man cave”…to replenish his testosterone.  He might, for example need to work on projects or hobbies. The argument is, that he needs to have this replenishment time, before he can be available to soak up the oxytocin and bond with wife and family.

 The problem is, of course that this testosterone/oxytocin dance belongs to 1992…or even before that. (I would argue)

What About The Intimacy Oxytocin/Testosterone Dance In 2014? 

Ok…. so I think we can all agree that the world of work and family life is much different now. Family Life/work/ balance is a matter of how to more evenly share work and family responsibilities between both partners, even in “same sex” couples.  Generally, everyone wants things to feel “fair”. If not, anger and resentment can quickly build.  The reality is that the majority of adults in households with or without children actually do work in our modern society. (Statistics would bear this out) The “dance” therefore needs to be reworked with a new set of assumptions, new steps, and more careful communication than ever before. It seems to me that the essential question that needs to be asked of each “partner” in the modern “Intimacy dance” is:  “What is your particular “internal” balance in terms of how much Oxytocin you need to feel bonded, and secure with an intimate partner? When do you need this “skin to skin” and “eye to eye contact? “  What are your most vulnerable times of the day, for example?

Second Question:  “What are your testosterone needs? Do you, (regardless of your sexual identity or orientation) need to work on projects at or away from home that make you feel competent and successful before you can cuddle?  Here’s another example:  “Do you need your partner to admire your ability to “fix” things around the house, (or anywhere else for that matter) so that you can feel that satisfying surge of testosterone?

  Self-knowledge/Communication Is The Key 

I like to think of creating and building sustained intimate relationships as an on going co-creative process between any two people who actually have a desire for such a relationship.  I don’t think it matters in the least if we are talking about heterosexual or “same sex” couples. The responsibility is equally shared, I think, and entails the ability to know and communicate who you are and what you need…even as you understand deeply the different perspective and needs of your partner.  You will not be exactly the same as your “partner”, nor will you or your “partner “remain exactly the same over time.  Furthermore, your particular “partnership” mix of oxytocin/testosterone will not be the same as the one you see in any other partnership. We are all beautifully unique that way.

 So….Enjoy The Dance!!! 

What is left to say except…. do not be afraid to explore and participate in the dance! Be alert to the subtle changes in yourself and your partner that mean you need to change the steps, learn new steps, or change the “leader/follower” paradigm.   The ability to make the necessary changes is what will keep your relationship alive and vital.  It’s the Art of The Dance…. and the key to lasting joy and satisfaction.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.