Want A Clear Path To An Awakened Life?..

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A root cause of “relationship distress” is the “re-opening of a primary childhood wound.” This wound is related to the doubt we have all carried around, since childhood, about our inherent “lovability”.  Although it is true, of course, that each of us has a different experience of being loved and cared for in childhood…. none of us ever gets that “perfect” love we long for.  When someone hurts us again in a  way we have been hurt before, we feel that hurt all over again.  Each of us has very specific “triggers” that function as entry points to our own particular version of the  “wound.”  Clinical psychologist Dr. John Welford believes that the search for a “love” partner in life is all about finding a way to heal our original childhood wound.  We are testing the strength of our “lovability” in the courtship process, as well as testing how well we can love our chosen partner. It is therefore a process of simultaneously giving and receiving as we risk “putting ourselves out there”

Dr. Welford also believes that, because our sense of being a complete and lovable self  is so dependent on how others perceive us, we have mixed feelings  about attaching ourselves to another too deeply. In our own minds there is always the possibility that we will be forced to change who we really are in order to be what we think our partners want us to be.  The fear of “giving up” our power in this way can lead to carrying around resentment about dependency in close relationships. Our task is how to navigate this delicate tightrope of needing something so badly at the same time resenting and/or fearing this need.  In addition to this, we may also be perpetually afraid that we won’t be able to hold onto what we have, once we have it. Is this not the very definition of vulnerability?  What kind of skills do we need to help us with this crucial navigation task? To put it in another way…what state of consciousness do we need to adopt in order to walk the “tightrope” with ease and grace?

First…Remember That The Love You Seek Is Already Yours 

At first glance, the concept of already having what you seek may seem counterintuitive. However, if you think of the concept of Love differently and see it as an absolute principle that operates in the world rather than a relative commodity that is traded back and forth and can be lost and found…. You will know that love is always there. You just have to see it and claim it. I knew a songwriter/philosopher once who wrote lyrics about absolute love that sum up what I mean beautifully.  Tad’s words were as follows: “In the colors of the morning sky, in the face of just one passerby, a gift, a song, a way to be…. Love is waiting patiently.  The message of this song, for me, is about the Omniscience of love.  As Tad so poignantly states in his song, Love is everywhere!..It is waiting patiently for you to claim it for yourself. He also talks about the importance of “letting the love in” to your wounded heart.  This speaks to the importance of cultivating an “open” heart and allowing love to heal what ails you.

Next…Consider The Possibility That Relationship Is The Path To Healing Your Original Childhood Wound 

If you are starting from the place of knowing that you already have love in your life, then all of your important relationships are about sharing that love with another, and reminding each other of its existence. This would apply, I think, weather we are talking about your “life partner”, your child, or your best friend. Awareness of Love’s Omniscience is a consciousness shift, I think. That said, it is of course important to be cautious and protective of yourself in the beginning of a relationship. The love between you and this person needs to be solid and trustworthy, before you open yourself up too completely.  Inevitably, though, because you are transparently revealing yourself to another, you will experience hurt. Something may be said that reminds you of an earlier experience in your child hood, your “guard” is down, and that old childhood cluster of wounds is “triggered”.  At this point, according to Dr. Welford, you have a choice.  Do you “act out” against the person who has inadvertently “pushed a button”?  Do you become angry and defensive and try to hurt that person back?  Or, do you choose to understand this “trigger point” as an important key to understanding yourself. If you chose the later option, you have given yourself and your partner a precious gift.  Together you can investigate what “just happened”, and draw from that deep pool of absolute love to understand both yourself and your partner at a whole new level.  The trick is to keep blame and criticism out of the conversation, which is of course the difficult part in a culture, which is so often so judgmental. Intimacy is, in my view, the antithesis of judgment and blame. It is about opening up your own narrow view of the world to incorporate the world view of another. This is why I see creating “heart centered” intimacy as a clear path to an awakened life.   Without the judgment and blame of either yourself or others, You  awaken to to who you and your” beloved” really are.

By Leslie Kays MFT

 

Co-Creating A Lasting Relationship…..Five Essential Keys

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In The Shelter Of Each Other

In The Shelter Of Each Other

Gay and Katie Hendrix have been married for over thirty years.  Throughout their marriage and their professional careers as couple psychotherapists, they have sought the answer to an important question in modern American life.  That question is: “Why don’t relationships seem to last these days?” It’s a good question, I think.  The divorce rate in the United States is creeping towards 60%, which is a staggering statistic…especially when you consider that it doesn’t even include what we think of as “common law” marriages.  What is going on here?

After many years of research, and, they will tell you, painstaking experimentation with their own marriage, the Hendrix’s have come up with some important keys to creating a “lasting” and “fulfilling” relationship.

1:  In All Communications With Your Partner, Strive Toward Complete Honesty, Transparency, and Authenticity

The Hendrix’s speak of this idea that intimacy is created when both partners in the couple learn to tell the “microscopic” truth to each other.  By this they mean, I think, that each partner learn to actually describe to the other what is going on for them from the “inside out”…. including thoughts, feelings, and even bodily sensations.  For example, if you are describing for your partner an experience that caused you to be extremely fearful or anxious, you might say: “My heart was beating fast and my palms were sweaty.”  You might think that such a visceral “blow by blow” account would be “off putting”, and you would be seen as weak and vulnerable.  In fact quite the opposite is the case. When hearing about the emotional pain of a loved one… the “mirror” neurons of empathy are activated  in the central nervous system of the other person.  This is a true “bonding” experience.

As a corollary to the “microscopic” truth, the Hendrix’s also talk about the importance of having a “no secrets” policy in a committed relationship.  In this instance, they are talking about secrets large and small.  A small secret might be, “I overdrew the checking account”.  A big secret would be: “Oh, I forgot to mention, I’ve got a child from a previous relationship.”

An important distinction needs to be made, I think, between what is a “secret” and what is “private”.  A “secret” is information you are deliberately withholding because you know that the disclosure of it will create some kind of “waves” in your relationship.  You want to avoid that, but the constant “avoidance” of the truth will always come back on you tenfold in the long run and lead to erosion of trust. Privacy has more to do with the careful guarding of your own inner life in a protective way. You may or may not reveal information to select and trusted others in the fullness of time.

2. Each Partner Has The Responsibility To Shake Up The Relationship On A Regular Basis

We are creatures of habit, and although overall this creates a feeling of security and predictability, its important to note that we also crave novelty and variety.  “Shaking it up” can be as simple as trying a new restaurant, sleeping on the other side of the bed, or vacationing in a new spot.  How far to move your partner out of his/her comfort zone is an important skill, however.  You don’t want to have the unrealistic expectation that your partner will do something so far out of their comfort zone that they are truly uncomfortable. (And then blame them for it!)

3. Practice Giving Your Partner 10 to 12 compliments a day, and include with this practice plenty of “touching” “hugging” and “eye contact”

Does this sound “New age” and trite?  Ok…but be aware that verbalizations and gestures of love and affection sprinkled throughout the day are actually found to be extremely highly correlated with successful long term “pair bonding” in much of the animal kingdom, including humans.  This is sound neuroscience which is founded on brain imaging that shows areas of the brain to “light up” when the “pleasure centers” are stimulated. The “pleasure centers” are stimulated through words and gestures of love.  Furthermore, “love memory” exists wherein we can see the pleasure centers light up even in the anticipation of being reunited with a loved one. This can be seen in our closest evolutionary relatives, the great apes, but is perfected to a very sophisticated degree in humans. In addition to this, the hormone oxytocin is released with physical contact, or even the anticipation of physical contact. It’s quite amazing really.The important thing to remember though, is that stores of oxytocin must be constantly replenished, or the well can run dry.

 4. Strive To Eliminate Blame And Criticism From Your Relationship

This is perhaps the hardest “key” of all.  Do we not all become irritated and upset with our partners? Also, if there is honesty and transparency in a relationship, surely some of this “honesty” is going to be of the negative variety?  Here is what the Hendrix’s think about this: It is the their contention that it is a given that much of what we see and don’t like in the “other”, particularly our most significant other, is actually a reflection or an indication  of  something we cannot allow in ourselves. 

In psychological terms this is known as “Projection”, and it is thought to run pretty rampantly, albeit unconsciously, in couples.

The trick is to tease out what the projection actually is…that is.. what is really bugging you underneath the surface issue?

In other words, what  is triggering you?  The example given in the case of the Hendrix marriage was that Gay Hendrix would always get really angry if his wife Katie came home later than promised.  In his own “self” examination he was able to remember his mother leaving him at home after school.  Katie was therefore “triggering” abandonment issues in her husband  and causing him to feel unsafe and vulnerable every time she was late. In Gays case, “vulnerability” was not a very acceptable “manly” way to feel, so he converted this unacceptable feeling to anger and projected it onto Katie. It wasn’t actually about Katie at all.

In my view, totally eliminating blame and criticism from any close relationship is a tall order.  However, it makes sense to examine your own feelings every time you are intensely triggered by your partner…. every time you see red, or feel that your world is falling apart.  When confronting your partner about the feelings that have arisen in you, you can offer the microscopic disclosure that I mentioned earlier on. Just naming the feeling and having the attitude of curiosity and discovery about where that feeling might come from will go a long way toward dissipating the intensity of the feeling. Ideally, “blame” will fall away, and your partner will be happy to do whatever he/she can to heal the “wound” that has been uncovered.

5. As A Capstone to all the other Keys, Commitment and Intention to Co-Create the best possible Relationship for Both Of You Is Essential

It almost goes without saying, but bears repeating, that none of the other relationship skills are worth anything without the commitment to make it all work.  Equally shared responsibility and somehow having the unspoken agreement that you will not, either of you, lightly let this relationship go…feel like the true “Art of Relationship”. Its almost impossible to define…but clear to you both when you have landed in this consciously loving and sacred place. You won’t ever want to leave.

By Leslie Kays MFT

 

 

 

The Modern “Dance Of Intimacy” Oxytocin vs Testosterone

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The Modern "Dance" Of Intimacy

The Modern “Dance” Of Intimacy

Twenty-two years ago the book “Men Are From Mars, Women are from Venus” hit the “Relationship Help” section of many bookstores. In this book author John Grey created controversy with his bold assertion that, in fact men and women were very different.  The differences showed up, according to Dr. Grey, in very fundamental ways…. such as how communication happens, how needs are met, and how a feeling of “safety, security and stress reduction is achieved.  In a recent interview, Dr. Grey elaborated on the differences between men and women in terms of stress reduction. He now claims female/male differences are due to the fact that men predominately reduce stress and feel secure by having optimal levels of the hormone “testosterone” available in their nervous system. In contrast to this, women achieve feelings of safety, security, and low stress when they have plenty of the hormone “oxytocin” on board. So, how does this work, and how does he know it is so?  It makes sense, actually, when you think about it from an anthropological/sociological perspective 

Testosterone and Oxytocin and how they function adaptively as hormones 

Testosterone is a hormone produced in men and women, but it is generally produced in larger quantities in men.  Testosterone is responsible for sex drive and aggression. It has been found to “flood” the endocrine system, particularly in men, when these men are involved in competitive and/or very “driven” and “goal oriented” activities.  Too much testosterone can be a bad thing, obviously, and can lead to violent and “out of control” behavior. Testosterone is associated with anger and destruction.  On the “plus” side, it has been postulated that evolutionarily speaking, optimal levels of testosterone in men are correlated with success on the “hunt” in “Hunter/ Gatherer” societies.  In earlier days, successful hunting was essential for survival of the species. It could be argued that the men who were doing the hunting felt good, satisfied, and content, after a successful hunt, thus creating the desire to hunt again.

Oxytocin, in contrast to testosterone, is known as the “love” hormone or the bonding hormone. Women produce it in their bodies in order to facilitate bonding with newborn babies,. It is also released in other skin-to-skin contact situations. One can imagine, again in Hunter Gatherer societies, that the women spent a lot of time together in tribes where they found safety in numbers and hung out with other females to take care of the young. There is no doubt that oxytocin release feels good.  We are, after all, social animals.

The Oxytocin/Testosterone Dance 

It must be said, of course, that both men and women produce oxytocin and testosterone, and also that people vary widely as to how much of these hormones they produce.  There are individual differences.  John Grey simply suggests that men on the whole tend to “lead” with testosterone, while women are more prone to “lead” with oxytocin. It’s important to note though “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” was first published in 1992.  In the book, Dr. Grey outlines the “dance” between men and women as a paradigm where the woman is at home with young children, soaking up the “oxytocin” with her children, but also becoming exhausted with childcare, and wanting to “bond” with her husband when he gets home. She needs the same feeling with him she was able to get with her children…but probably needs a more “adult” version than she can get from young children.  When her husband gets home, she pursues him, in Greys Scenario, and begs him to cuddle and bond with her and the children.  She wants to enfold her husband with the family oxytocin…and talk through feelings, ECT…. in order to feel more “connected” and secure

 

“Hubby,” on the other hand, according to Dr. Grey, has just had a full, and probably competitive day at work.  He may be feeling low levels of testosterone because he has not been successful in his projects or maybe he has been criticized or “put down”.  He may feel insecure and incompetent.  It is at this point, suggests Dr. Grey, that “Hubby” may need to temporarily “retreat”…to what has been jokingly called his “man cave”…to replenish his testosterone.  He might, for example need to work on projects or hobbies. The argument is, that he needs to have this replenishment time, before he can be available to soak up the oxytocin and bond with wife and family.

 The problem is, of course that this testosterone/oxytocin dance belongs to 1992…or even before that. (I would argue)

What About The Intimacy Oxytocin/Testosterone Dance In 2014? 

Ok…. so I think we can all agree that the world of work and family life is much different now. Family Life/work/ balance is a matter of how to more evenly share work and family responsibilities between both partners, even in “same sex” couples.  Generally, everyone wants things to feel “fair”. If not, anger and resentment can quickly build.  The reality is that the majority of adults in households with or without children actually do work in our modern society. (Statistics would bear this out) The “dance” therefore needs to be reworked with a new set of assumptions, new steps, and more careful communication than ever before. It seems to me that the essential question that needs to be asked of each “partner” in the modern “Intimacy dance” is:  “What is your particular “internal” balance in terms of how much Oxytocin you need to feel bonded, and secure with an intimate partner? When do you need this “skin to skin” and “eye to eye contact? “  What are your most vulnerable times of the day, for example?

Second Question:  “What are your testosterone needs? Do you, (regardless of your sexual identity or orientation) need to work on projects at or away from home that make you feel competent and successful before you can cuddle?  Here’s another example:  “Do you need your partner to admire your ability to “fix” things around the house, (or anywhere else for that matter) so that you can feel that satisfying surge of testosterone?

  Self-knowledge/Communication Is The Key 

I like to think of creating and building sustained intimate relationships as an on going co-creative process between any two people who actually have a desire for such a relationship.  I don’t think it matters in the least if we are talking about heterosexual or “same sex” couples. The responsibility is equally shared, I think, and entails the ability to know and communicate who you are and what you need…even as you understand deeply the different perspective and needs of your partner.  You will not be exactly the same as your “partner”, nor will you or your “partner “remain exactly the same over time.  Furthermore, your particular “partnership” mix of oxytocin/testosterone will not be the same as the one you see in any other partnership. We are all beautifully unique that way.

 So….Enjoy The Dance!!! 

What is left to say except…. do not be afraid to explore and participate in the dance! Be alert to the subtle changes in yourself and your partner that mean you need to change the steps, learn new steps, or change the “leader/follower” paradigm.   The ability to make the necessary changes is what will keep your relationship alive and vital.  It’s the Art of The Dance…. and the key to lasting joy and satisfaction.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Longing For Intimacy In Relationship?….Start With Affirming Your Personal “Sovereignty”

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February...the month of sacred love

February…the month of sacred love

On The Nature Of Love 

At a “satsung” in Oakland the other day I was struck by the words of the well-known spiritual teacher, Adyashanti. He was addressing the central importance of “love” as the primary commerce in human connection, and he was remarking that people often lack “sovereignty” over their own hearts and minds.  Because of this, Adyashanti argued, many people find it difficult to know how to love, how to receive love, or even what love really is.

I listened more closely as Adyashanti described personal “sovereignty as having “an autonomous and empowered sense of yourself.”  This “felt” sense of self involves knowing and trusting yourself to the extent that your core beliefs, values, and passions are unshakeable and non negotiable.  In psychological terms we might call this “ego strength”, but I like the term “sovereignty” much better.  I like the idea that your entire being is like a sovereign nation and you are the true “ruler” of that nation.  Adyashanti pointed out that our greatest spiritual leaders such as Jesus, Ghandi, and Martin Luther King, possessed the ultimate in personal “sovereignty”.  All three of these leaders were of course revolutionary in their own time and their ideas were simply too threatening for those times. As is often the case, the bearers of revolutionary thought are sacrificed, even as their ideas live on.  We can live by the example of these three great “thought leaders” though, and understand that what they collectively represented and brought to the world was Love…. Pure, simple, and unconditional. I would argue that love poured out from these men and came from the core of their unshakable beliefs about mankind.

So….How does this Idea of Sovereignty” play out in The Formation Of Our Individual Identity? 

Here is how I think about it:  It seems to me that all of us in our modern culture are bombarded incessantly by messages about how to look, what to wear, how to think, what to feel.  These messages seep down into our unconscious where they comingle with messages from our childhood to create a mixed bag of   input about who we really are at the core.  It’s like computer software in a way…Programs are being run that we are not even aware of because they operate at a subliminal level. (Hence the effectiveness of advertising slogans)

What is most distressing to me is that the bottom line “message” is usually the following:  “You are not good enough at any level of your being”…simply not good enough. You must have more, do more, and be more.  Out of all this, we must cobble together some sort of an identity that is affirming, stable and consistent…no easy feat. It’s difficult to find your personal sovereignty in this climate.

The Riddle Of Forming Close Relationships When Identity Is Shaky 

In a way that has always struck me as paradoxical, we are all simultaneously both individuals and social animals.  As much as we hold tight to our shaky personal identities, we also long for personal connection.  To put it simply…we long to love and be loved.  The paradox causes conflict…. all the time. Consider the questions that we often ask ourselves when in relationship: “Will I have to give up some of me in order to be with you?”   When does “compromise” become “capitulation?”   Ideally one would neither dominate nor allow oneself to be dominated…but this ideal is hard to reach in the best of circumstances. I see it as a  the “riddle” of stable human connection  and I would argue that the riddle must be solved, or at least addressed in order to feel, express, and know true love with another person.  I think you have to know yourself…including your beliefs and passions and your boundaries, weaknesses, strengths, and vulnerabilities. and then you can truly see and appreciate those same things in another.  From this place, it seems to me that mutual unconditional love is really possible.

How To Know Yourself 

I have been thinking lately of “Practices” that facilitate the embodiment of the principle “know thyself”.  Here is what I have come up with:

  1. Take a course in “mindfulness meditation”…. or really any kind of meditation…. and practice on a regular basis sitting in silence and watching your thoughts go by.  When you have mastered the technique you will notice that your mind will produce thought after thought after thought…but you will realize that your don’t have to believe any of them.  You will begin to notice patterns of recurring thoughts about yourself or the world…. and you can begin to question these thoughts.  Start just gently being curious and questioning about everything.  As the Buddha has famously said:  “Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it, or because it is spoken, written, or rumored by many…But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conductive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.”…. I would just add to this that meditation sharpens your powers of observation of all things in the world…from the use of your five senses to the use of your intuition…Spend quality time with yourself just observing without doing anything else.
  2. Any chance you get to walk quietly in nature is another opportunity to sharpen your powers of observation.  You can make this a “walking” meditation, as you note sounds, smells, and visual and tactile features.  When you are developing observational skills you will find that your mind is sharper and clearer about all things. You will experience directly a thought and a feeling about what you believe in, what you value, and what is true “beauty” to you.
  3. Develop a questioning nature to everything anyone ever presents to you as “truth.”  Start always with the question…even if it is in your own mind…. Is this true?  Do I believe it to be true?  What if it’s not true?
  4. Dare to respectfully disagree with others, while avoiding the trap of insistence that you are right. The idea is to practice “speaking your truth”…nothing more. Make room for multiple opinions knowing that other people’s opinions don’t have to threaten yours.
  5. There is a practice called “morning pages” in which, for six weeks you write down everything that is on your mind every morning…first thing.  These are all the concerns that have been rolling around your unconscious all night…. This is fresh non-defended “data”.  Don’t read what you have written for six weeks.  When you look at what you have written after the six weeks it will be obvious to you what your central concerns are.  You can start then knowing yourself at a deeper level and you can begin an inquiry with yourself about those concerns, what you feel about them, what you can do about them.

So there you have it!  Good luck in your quest for self-knowledge and your pursuit of intimate relationship.  It is well worth the effort!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Importance Of “Story”…Don’t Like Yours?…..Rewrite It!

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William Shakespeare..perhaps the greatest storyteller of all time

William Shakespeare..perhaps the greatest storyteller of all time

I had an enlightening conversation with a friend of mine the other day about her divorce.  It seemed that she had come to a place of deeper and more expanded understanding about the meaning of this traumatic event in the overall “story” of her life…and I was interested to hear it.  As I thought about our conversation more I realized that major life traumas coming at us seemingly “out of left field”, are profoundly disruptive precisely because they force us to question our whole “story” about the way things “ought to be”. The “marriage” story, for example is told to us as a “happily ever after” story, in spite of the fact that this particular “story” turns out often to be more of a cultural myth.  We have internalized the ”fairy tale” ending to the marriage story so thoroughly, however, that our lives and identity are built around having faith in it.  When faith is shattered it can feel like the whole world is falling apart and will never be set right again. In this sense I think divorce can be actually an existential crisis…a crisis of “meaning” in a very real sense.  The divorce crisis was shattering to my friend and it was equally shattering for her two teenage children.  Thinking back on it now I can remember specifically that my friend’s daughter had the following to say immediately upon learning that her parents were separating:  “Oh no no no…this doesn’t happen in our family….not in our family!!” (Translation: It may happen in other families, but not ours…this is not our story)

So…what Is the Deeper and More Expanded Understanding Of Which I Speak? 

If you look at your life as one long story with many different chapters, then the difficult times you go through become not the “whole” of your life, but rather just discreet chapters that have a beginning and an end.  With the passage of time the traumatic chapters become a part of the overall narrative of who and where you are now…. rather than a definition of where you are still stuck.  I know my friend is no longer “stuck” in the trauma of her divorce because I hear her say that she can look back upon the chapters of her life involving her ex husband with a certain fondness. She can appreciate how those chapters informed the identity of who she is now.…as well as appreciate the “gift” of her children…who after all would not be who they are without the father they had.  In my mind…my friend has resilience in the best sense of the word.  It doesn’t mean she will ever be “best friends” with her ex…but I think it does mean that her kids are relieved of the burden of worrying that she will never really recover.  She doesn’t need their protection.

All The World Is Your Stage…You Can Write Your Script As You So Choose 

I like to think of my life as a “Play”, with myself as the central character.  People come in and out of my life in many ways.  Some stay for a long time.  Others are in and out quickly.  Some people have just a short “cameo” but they still have a profound influence on me.  Sometimes I kick my characters out, and other times they leave very quickly and painfully.  None of these details really matter at the end of the day if I can interpret everyone as somehow essential to the overall arc of my narrative.  That part is up to me…it’s my interpretation and my “play” after all.  I get to choose, and my friend gets to choose too.  I like to think that we are both choosing in the direction of growth and positivity.  Interestingly, of course, all the people we have come into contact with in our lifetime also have their own narratives.  I always think that we would be surprised to know the profound impact we have had on others in the construction of their life narrative.  We probably underestimate it…which I why I try to tell people whenever I can how important they are to me.

The Gift Of Our Long Term Relationships 

If you have friends and family that have known and loved you since childhood you know how precious these relationships are. People who have been in your life for a long time have a way of knowing you at your very core so these are the people who can remind you of your essential self when you are in the midst of a personal crisis. Actually, just being in their presence reminds you.  Equally importantly, I think, your long term “fans” can “challenge” you to be your best self and you will not experience the challenge as a threat. You will be able to see the truth in what they say.  Such people are central characters in your play, I think.  Hold them close to you like gold and know that you are also a central character in their life narrative. Friends, old and new are the best antidotes to all that ails you emotionally…(this actually is a scientifically proven fact, by the way)  So..pay attention to the old song….”make new friends but keep the old….one is silver and the other gold. (hokey..but true nonetheless!)

In closing…I can only say…happy script writing!   Write yourself a vital and interesting story in which you are the hero…even if you are the only one who knows it.

By Leslie Kays MFT

The Giant “Trojan Horse” Cranes at The Port Of Oakland…A Symbol Of Global Interdependency?

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Shipping Crane At The Port Of Oakland

Shipping Crane At The Port Of Oakland

Last weekend I had the great privilege of going on a Bay cruise that began in Alameda, circled through the Port Of Oakland, went under the Bay Bridge, and ended up back in Alameda. For me, by far the best part of this adventure was getting “up close and personal” to the giant shipping cranes that carefully place containerized cargo onto huge cargo ships.  On the return trip, these same cranes unload ships coming from faraway places like Hong Kong and put the containers onto trucks.  Many of the containers then end up on trains that deliver goods all over the country.  I guess it’s the fascinated kid in me that can’t get over man’s ability to achieve such great things with such ingenuity and efficiency.  I always want to know “the way things work” and I learn best by just watching.  In the case of the shipping industry though, there is something else I’m interested in.  It just strikes me, as I watch the cranes loading their cargo onto the ships, that the world has become very small indeed…. and we have increasingly become very intertwined and interdependent with one another.  For example, I was curious to see a huge pile of what looked like scrap metal out at the port. When I asked about this I learned that the United States ships this metal to China where it is melted together to make new metal “things”.  I suppose for some reason it’s cheaper to do this in China.  So…. we do this constant “trade” with other countries and all of our economies have become one big “global” economy.  We really do need each other. We are all “One” in some sense.

The politics of “Trade”

 I realize of course that a case can be made for who the “power” players are in the business of world trade.  I’m not an expert in this area, so I won’t even go there.  It just seems to me that there is a universal “truth” that transcends current political realities.  The truth is that we all just share this one earth and we have great examples of how to cooperate and collaborate with one another in such a way that everyone can benefit.  I like to think of the shipping industry as being an example of that human ability.  I like to imagine Chinese dock workers…the equivalent of our longshoremen and teamsters…. unloading goods and transporting stuff where it needs to go.  I imagine it works much the same there as here.

Am I Naive?

Ok…Ok…. I’m totally aware of oversimplifying the flow of energy and goods all over the world.  I’m guilty of this belief that there is some kind of magnanimous force for good at work that is moving us all closer to each other…albeit not always smoothly and “fairly”.  For me, the evidence is all around that this is so… maybe I’m just choosing to see what I choose to see because it gives me a sense of peace and faith to so choose.

We all have our worldview.  And this is part of mine.

 

 

 

What Is The “Balance Of Power” In Your Most Intimate Relationship?

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Balance Of Power

Balance Of Power

According to relationship expert Hara Marano of “Psychology Today”, equally shared power is the passport to lasting relationship satisfaction and true intimacy

In the February 2014 edition of “Psychology Today”, relationship expert Hara Marano tackles the provocative issue of power and how power dynamics play out in our most important and intimate relationships. As Dr. Marano points out “Power is not limited to leaders or organizations: it doesn’t require outright acts of domination.  It’s a basic force in every social interaction.  Power defines the way we relate to each other.  It dictates weather you get listened to.  It determines weather your needs take priority or get any attention at all”

Dr. Marano’s definition of social power dynamics really spoke to me.  I thought about my own feelings of “powerlessness” in certain relationships over my lifetime.  I thought about the times I have felt discounted, not listened to, or simply “bulldozed” by the needs and priorities of others.  Sometimes the feeling is really subtle…so subtle in fact that it doesn’t hit me for days. Often in the more subtle cases I am mostly aware of a feeling of resentment toward the other party, and it takes me awhile to work out where the feeling comes from.  My initial feeling can best be described as one of defeat.

So…What About Romantic Relationships And Power?

Dr. Marano’s central point in this article is that true intimacy is impossible when either party feels dominated or controlled in some way by the other.  The fine art of relationship is, after all, the ability to be fully you while also being fully present to the other. In any given interaction…the person who is wielding more power at the moment is not really listening…not being fully “attuned” and “present” to the other… Viewed from another perspective, the party who feels controlled or dominated is not really “speaking up” and  “expressing him/herself fully…so this person is also not being fully present.  To be fully present and available to another while also speaking up for yourself is a tricky balancing act when you think about it.  Each partner has to risk the vulnerability of presenting his/her true self-warts and all…knowing that exposing the “whole package” may invite rejection. If you don’t expose yourself though, you are ultimately giving up too much “self”.  You are denying ownership of all that you are.  Bottom Line… You have to take the risk.

The Paradox Of Risking Relationship Loss

Paradoxically, points out Dr. Hara,  “You have to know you can survive without a relationship if need be, to really be empowered within it”.  You have to “go for broke”, in a sense, and let the chips fall where they may. Harriet Lerner, another well known relationship expert, puts it this way:  “The only way for intimacy to grow is when both people have the capacity to both listen and speak up…and when both people have the courage to bring more and more of their true selves to the relationship each day.

Power Struggles

In the stereotypical abused spouse situation, the Abuser is thought to be the more powerful member of the couple…. the one who dominates, often physically and emotionally…and forces his partner to submit. In reality the power struggles I have seen in most couples are much more subtle than this. Often, each partner feels dominated and controlled by the other at different times and in different ways. The power can in fact “seesaw” back and forth…with one partner using for example, the threat of cutting the other off financially…while the other partner uses more subtle “passive aggressive” or other emotional “power grab” manipulations.  These are often “no win” competitive situations that entrench into well-worn and destructive patterns.

There is a new paradigm, where shared Power Is the Only Power

Amongst many modern couples therapists, a new paradigm for power has emerged. Fueled by the reality that women are increasingly more empowered in the workplace, (and now make their own money), women are also more empowered generally in intimate relationships.  In the shared power paradigm, power is seen as “the capacity of an individual to influence the emotional state of the other, as well as the necessity that each partner is just as committed to advancing the goals of his partner as he/she is to advancing his/her own goals.  This means “goals” in all senses of the word…career goals…. life goals…emotional/relational goals.  The paradigm is one of collaboration, rather than force, and it presupposes that each partner takes equal responsibility for the “relationship” as a whole.  No longer can relationship maintenance be the purview of women.  The distinction between influence and force is an important one. In the shared power paradigm, no bullying is allowed, and anyone can be called out on emotional manipulation at any time.  Each partner has to feel a sense of “fairness”…and this doesn’t really mean just equal distribution of family tasks…it’s a much more subtle and “felt” sense of fairness I’m talking about. Hara Manara  states that “interlocking influence processes are at the heart of balance of power.”  When another has influenced someone positively, this is a good thing.  You are not the same person as you were when you met your beloved…they have changed you…and you have changed them.  This is what I see as intimacy.  You see me.  You love me.  You have allowed me in to your most vulnerable places and I have allowed you into mine.  We are both forever changed by this experience.

By Leslie Kays MFT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do You Have “Key” Clutter? Get Rid Of All That Unnecessary Stuff On Your Keychain For 2014

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large__543268337Key Clutter….Got A Lot Of Unnecessary Keys and other Paraphernalia on Your Key Chain?

Lighten Your Load For 2014

This Christmas my most “life changing” gift was the smallest one.  I now have a new keychain with exactly three keys on it:  1. My house key,  2. My Car key,  3. My office key.   Additionally, my keychain sports a small LED flashlight, and a remarkably small, sharp, pocketknife.  My keys and my “tools” are all I need to negotiate my daily life.  Yet, somehow, for many years now I’ve been weighed down with a gazillion unnecessary keys.  They have added weight and bulk to my purses, my coats, and my psyche.  The process of “key shedding” for me has been highly symbolic and representative of a sea change in the “shedding” of many things in my life that no longer serve.  Here’s how it happened.

A Key Inventory 

After taking all of my keys off the key chain, I did a quick inventory.  Here is what I found: 1. 3 keys to cars I no longer own, including keys to my adult daughter’s cars that are long since gone.  2. 2 keys to file cabinets that I no longer have. 3.  4 keys to doors in offices that I have no connection to at all. 4.  3 keys that I can’t even identify at all.  Some of these keys had some sentimental value and brought with them memories, so I didn’t throw them out, but I took them off the key chain.

What’s Up With All The Keys? 

In my view, keys have all kinds of meanings.  Keys open doors to houses, offices, and other private places.  Keys represent security and ownership.  Car keys have to do with autonomy and freedom.  When my daughters first learned to drive I always had copies of their car keys because I felt I needed access in case they got into trouble or lost their keys. In retrospect I can see it was a form of control as well.  I kept these keys way too long because it was hard to let go.

Keys Represent Identity 

What I have come to believe is that each of my keys represents a part of my identity.  I have a house key.  Therefore I’m a homeowner.  When I bought my first house this key conferred power and prestige to me.  A car key means I’m also a car owner.  My office key allows me a private inner sanctum where I do my work.  Homeless disenfranchised people don’t have keys, so they don’t have this identity.  I noticed that when I went from 12 keys to 3 keys I initially felt kind of lost and powerless.  Weirdly the heft and weight of my keys actually gave me this feeling of substance and importance

Shedding Keys Means Shedding the skin Of Old Identities

I don’t need keys to cars I don’t own or have access too, so these were the first keys to go. My daughters are grown and responsible for their own safety and transportation. There goes that identity. I only have one house and one office. All the other office keys finally got tossed, and I realized I kept them on the keychain because I still felt sentimentally attached to where I used to work. In some small way I was still attached to my younger identity. That’s why I kept the key. Maybe I even had an unconscious belief I might want to go back to my old job.  I usually only drive one car.  I have access to another but I don’t need the key with me all the time. I don’t need the security of having that second car key with me.  I used to think I did. It was like I felt I needed a “backup” car.

Now that I’ve downsized my key chain I feel that my identity is light, fluid, and ever changing.  It feels like I don’t anymore need so many small talismans that tie me to the material world and remind me that, yes, you are safe.  You have a place to live,  a way to get around, and a job.  That feeling now resides within me.

Do You Have Anything To Shed?

As 2013 draws to a close, it seems like a good time to think of shedding anything in your life that belongs to a previous version of you.  I’m also looking at clothes, dishes, bedding, and furniture that is no longer reflective of my present self. I don’t want things that are too big, or too small, too shabby or too youthful.  Similarly, I’m looking at belief systems that no longer serve….whole ways of looking at the world in fact, and even people who used to be a part of my life… but its time to let some of them go too.

The up side of this is that life will always come in and fill in the void that is created when something is taken away… even in those times when you cling desperately to the way things are and don’t want them to change.  I don’t know why this works, but I believe that it does.  Just…be open.  Listen and watch for new life to grow in those fallow fields….It will happen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Free Yourself From Suffocating Relationships

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Fresh Air

Fresh Air

Many of us can identify a key relationship, often formed early on in our lives, that has been profoundly influential.  For me, that relationship was the one I had with my mother.  My mother has been dead now for 31 years, but only very recently in my 63rd year can I honestly say that I am free of the grip she has had on the manifestation of my personal identity.  Let me explain the long journey.

Make no mistake, I was a well-loved child.  I see myself actually as a child of great privilege with theoretically limitless possibilities for my education and ability to be successful in whatever I chose to do.  All of this was just “theoretical” though.  I also knew, from a very early age , that my mother had in mind a very specific blueprint for me. In reality my “choices” were much narrower than they needed to be.  I was limited by the way she saw me, and what I needed to do to keep her pleased and happy.  That’s the truth.  I wasn’t strong enough emotionally to rebel against my mothers projected image of me, except on a few important although exceedingly rare occasions.  In retrospect, I don’t even blame my mother for the reality of my childhood and adolescence.  In many ways it was a golden time.  But….it was what it was…. It was co-created by a whole cast of characters.

Fast forward to my 32nd year, when I lost my mother tragically to breast cancer.  Although the loss at that time was devastating, I have gradually begun to realize that I lost so much more than my mother herself in 1982.  As the years went by and I faced the monumental task of raising my own daughters, the full extent of my loss came into focus.  Here is how I view the loss of my mother now:

My mother died before my eldest daughter had her first birthday.  I had always imagined that my mother would be thrilled to be a grandmother, and I looked forward to bonding with her in a new way around our now shared experience of “motherhood”.  Obviously this experience was mostly denied me, but even more importantly, as I think back on it now, I was also denied the opportunity to separate and individuate from my mother in a whole new way. Ideally, when I became a mother I could have demonstrated to my mother that I understood “motherhood”, but I was going to be a different kind of mother than she had been to me. My new motherhood could have been a chance, at last, to find a way to rebel and be different from my mother. I could have come up against her, so to speak.  I was not conscious at the time of the far-reaching effects of this loss, but I became more aware as the years went by.

Flash-forward again to 2003 and I am dealing with my own rebellious teenage daughter.  She is telling me that I’m controlling and suffocating, and that she can no longer live her life in such a way that I am always pleased and happy with her.  Oddly, although her words are vaguely familiar to me, I cannot really make the connection to my own thwarted teenage self. It does not even occur to me that I have become my mother.  I’m mostly just suffering and focused on how unbearably anxious and worried I am all the time. My mental state at that time was indeed a total “energy drainer “ and left no room for anything else.  I was actually at this time suffocating as well, and I see now that the inner experience of suffocating  actually quite literally is the inability to bring “fresh air” to a situation. It’s no coincidence to me that an anxiety attack is literally the experience of not getting enough air. That’s what I felt then, and it prevented me from seeing the “bigger picture”.  I think my daughter and I were both feeling that way.

My final “flash forward” brings me to the present day.  My daughter has ventured out on her own now and had adventures that I would have never have had at her age. Me…. somehow I was forced to “let go” of the way I had become with her…and this was really the “inner work” for me. In “letting go”, painful as it was at times, I was finally able to actually gain a much bigger perspective on what had gone on between my daughter and I, and how closely this was related to my relationship to my mother.   The insight allowed me to “let go” even more and realize it wasn’t sustainable for us to go on the way we had been.  In the end the relational paradigm kind of let go of itself. One of us had to be the one to make the move, physically away from the other, and fortunately she had the courage to do it.

So, what does this have to do with my mother?  The way I see it, the “mother/daughter” healing  I have experienced with my daughter has healed my relationship with my mother  at the same time.  There is in fact no distinction or separation between the two. What I have experienced is a change in all of my relationships with women…. friends, sisters, older and younger women alike…all of them. In a larger sense, I think there has been some “fresh air” brought to my personal and archetypal female lineage, and I’m hopeful that this will carry forward to future generations.

Subjectively, I know that I breathe fine now.  The air is clearer, the colors are brighter, my voice is louder and carries more authority, and my life feels infused with new energy and excitement.  For me the lesson is a hopeful one.  The damage done “in relationship” can best be healed “in relationship”, it is never too late, and new opportunities are always presenting themselves.

 

How Do You Experience Betrayal In Your Relationships?….Does it have to mean the “Kiss Of Death”…Maybe Not

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The kiss that symbolizes the ultimate betrayal

The kiss that symbolizes the ultimate betrayal

The picture above depicts Judah bestowing a kiss on Jesus Christ. This “kiss”, often referred to as “the kiss of death”, symbolizes Judah’s betrayal of Jesus. As the story tells it, with the “kiss”, Judah is revealing to the Roman soldiers the identity and whereabouts of Jesus. The information leads directly to Jesus’s death.  Judah’s kiss is an apt metaphorical illustration of the nature of betrayal in our culture.  In the worst acts of betrayal, you find subterfuge and deception, as is the case with Judah who “pretends” love and loyalty while planning the ultimate “double cross”.  When betrayed in our intimate personal relationships we feel both “stung” and outraged.  How could we have been so wrong about someone we loved and trusted?  We may doubt ourselves and/or imagine that the next “Judah” is right around the corner.

The Devastation Of Betrayal In Relationship

John Gottman is a relationship expert who has been studying long term committed relationships for over thirty years.  His goal is to discover the secret ingredient of “relationship longevity”.  Dr. Gottman’s research is unique in the field of  “relationship” study because of the large body of data he has amassed in longditutional studies of the same couples over a 30 year period.  Gottman’s findings about the role of betrayal in relationship disintegration are particularly interesting and offer some valuable insights about how to recognize “betrayal” as it insinuates itself into virtually every relationship at some point in the relationship. The good news is that a small betrayal can actually be repaired if “caught” early enough.  A small betrayal can be worked through to strengthen the relationship…thus avoiding “the kiss of death”.

 

     Anyone who has been betrayed in a long term relationship by the unfaithfulness of his/ her partner can attest to the profound and long lasting nature of this particular type of betrayal.  Almost by definition an “affair” starts out in secret…and at least in my experience…. restoring trust when there has been this ultimate breech is close to impossible.  How do you even begin to do that? assuming both partners even want to.?

A Sligthly Different View About Affairs And Betrayal

Dr. Gottman takes a slightly different view about how and why affairs begin, and then seem to gather momentum and flourish in some marriages.  Many of us, myself included, have  always assumed that some men and women, for a myriad of reasons, are prone to have affairs.  Dr. Gottman thinks this is usually not the case. Although he agrees that “extra marital affairs” are huge and often insurmountable  betrayals, he has also found that he is able to predict those who are prone to the most egregious of betrayals because of the many smaller betrayals that preceded them. The small betrayals begin to add up and form an atmosphere where larger betrayals can more easily flourish. …especially when an opportunity presents itself.  What does he mean by “small” betrayals?

The Importance Of Trust

To understand the nature of betrayal it seems important to add the word “trust”…that is to say “betrayal” means “betrayal of trust”. If you’re talking about trust between people it implies there is an agreement of sorts between them. Each partner in the agreement has to trust the other to abide by the terms of the agreement. The agreement may be  verbally explicit and/or written….or it can be implied, unspoken, assumed.  In marriage and long term relationships I think this is where the trouble comes in.  Many details of the “agreement” may be quite vague .  If you have an actual legal marriage you may have verbalized some vows about, say love. Honor…respect.  But…what do these things really mean, operationally?  Your idea of what you may expect from me in terms of honor and respect is very different from what I think honor and respect are.  

In Gottmans research he actually watched the interactions of couples as they stayed for weeks at a time in apartments he had set up for them.  He had video equipment set up to record everything they said and did and he also made minute observations of facial expressions.  He even recorded heart rate and other measures of high emotional arousal.

After analyzing his data, Dr. Gottman concluded that couples spend a large amount of time in their day to day interactions trying to figure out what the other person expects of them, and being disappointed that they are not getting what they expect. For some of the couples, the constant sniping at one another, the angry “flare ups’ the “stonewalling”  and constant criticism of one other means that each member of the couple actually feels quite profoundly disappointed and betrayed.  This marriage was just not what was expected, and nobody is talking about it.

Dr. Gottman found that the couples that had more resilient  marriages also had deep disappointments in each other and betrayals did occur.  The difference was that a small disappointment or betrayal was actually talked about.  Gradually the couple was able to form new agreements with each other based on issues that would just “come up” spontaneously.  When I read this, I thought of one specific instance where my husband and I had been having coffee with a couple that he knew, but I was just meeting for the first time.  In the course of our first casual conversation, my husband described an issue in our marriage that is yet unresolved and very private and tender for me.  I was furious!  In this instance I felt betrayed and told him so later on.  The key point here is that he was totally stunned. I had to educate him that this issue was not open for public discussion.  So…that became a new agreement between us.

In closing I think it’s important to note that Gottmans conclusions inevitably oversimplify the complex matrix that is a long term relationship. What is not clearly elucidated, I think, is the fact that both partners in the relationship have to be willing to recognize and understand the importance of the constant “tuning in” to each other and the communication that is necessary. One person can’t do it solo.  I have always felt that whatever is created is in fact “co-created”…which means that whenever one member of the couple feels there is trouble…the other member has to be willing to look into the situation and do the “work”. The hopeful message in Gottmans research is that it is not the betrayals per se that are the problem…quite the opposite. The betrayals, or you could also say misattunements  actually provide the solution if you bring them into the light, and “speak out” about them.

By Leslie Kays MFT