“Cattitude”  (AKA  “Cat Attitude)

Lessons From Our Feline Companions About Maintaining High Self Esteem

Zen Cat

I’m a cat person.  I always have been.  I’ve been thinking lately about the relationship I have with my present cat, Phantom, as well as all my previous cats. Specifically, I’ve been pondering the question of why I derive such a feeling of contentment and peace just being in the presence of Phantom. Sometimes just watching him is enough.  As I contemplate this question further, I realize that the feeling of peace I derive from my cat relationships is not just my relationship to my cat.  No no…it’s more than that. I’m also endlessly fascinated by Phantom’s relationship to his own little internally constructed “cat” world.  I don’t think I’m alone in this, so I welcome any one else’s thoughts on the subject.  So…what exactly is the nature of the “cat” world?  I don’t really know for sure of course, but here is what I imagine, based on decades of careful observation.

Phantom is content to remain at home all day long. He basically wanders from room to room all day sleeping and eating at will with no demands on him to do anything else.  I imagine him not at all bored with this activity.  Phantom just has to BE and that’s pretty much it.  His existence seems to be the ultimate of “Isness.

 When I get home every day I call for Phantom.  He may or may not come.  If Phantom is enjoying a snooze in a sunny spot or otherwise engaged, he’ll show up later.  The thing is, Phantom knows that whenever he chooses to grace me with his presence, I will be happy to see him. But lets face it, Phantom, and most of the well cared for and secure cats I know, is basically his own boss.  If he’s in the mood for me, he will respond to my affection.  With a few exceptions I’m pretty much always in the mood for my cat. He draws me in with his simple grace and beauty and I’m hooked.

Is there another creature alive that can relax completely in the way a cat does?  Check out that languid sinuous cat body as it virtually melts onto the surface of the cushion, or the piano, or the cool tile.  A cat can be happy on so many surfaces, but he  always arranges his limbs perfectly and efficiently.  Ever notice how your cat gets up from his nap? Wish you could stretch in such a satisfying way? It all just comes so naturally!

  And what about the cats ability to sleep for long periods of time?  Seriously. What must the dreamworld of a cat be like? I imagine my cat creating an endless playground of delights as he sleeps.  In dreams, we can create whatever we want. My cat must surely be creating something he really enjoys.  Otherwise…he would not sleep so much.  Cats don’t do what they don’t want to do.

When my cat is relaxing, he’s not always sleeping…so I imagine he must spend endless hours in some kind of blissful meditative state, again…just…being 

So, in conclusion I’ve decided I like to be with my cat fundamentally because there is a part of me that longs to be a cat myself.  Please, please, just allow me endless hours of relaxed sleep and meditation. Let me just revel in the miracle of my own existence and not have to be so busy all the time.  Let me be completely content with who I am and where I am in each moment. Let me “live” in the moment the way my cat does.  Let me be capable of relaxing completely in my own body and let me be so sure of myself all the time that “letting go” and falling asleep is never a problem

This is what I mean by “Cattitude”.  I want more of it.  Sometimes I can’t find any of it at all, and my meditation becomes  just watching my cat to see if I can get it back.

How about you?    Got “Cattitude?”

The Liberation Of Forgiveness

Scanning through Facebook postings several days ago I ran across a simple phrase that stunned me with its simple truth.  Max Lucado is a minister, spiritual teacher, and author in Texas who has the following to say about Forgivenes

“Forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free and realizing you were the prisoner”

(thank you BTW to Esther Maria de Najarro for gifting this to me)

When I read these two simple sentences, I knew they were true, but I didn’t know exactly why.  It’s like that with poetry I think…the metaphorical economy of language causes us to meditate on the meaning in our own lives.  Here is what I have come up with:

In my mind this quote speaks directly to an illusion I have often fallen prey to when it comes to people who have truly “wronged” me. I would say the illusion is particularly strong in cases where I feel I am “owed” an apology.

So….what is the Illusion?

When someone has hurt me very deeply, it feels like if I hold on fiercely to my anger I am punishing this person just as fiercely.  I am withholding my love, my friendship, and my respect so that they can “feel” as badly as I do.  The illusion comes in, I think, with the fantasy that I can really know, understand, or control the way another person feels.  Still harboring this fantasy, I might imagine that if I forgive them I will set them free from…what?…the guilt they “ought” to feel? I don’t want to set them free in this scenario.  I want them to suffer

So….What  Actually Is The Reality?

It seems to me that the reality is that we can never really fully understand the way a person thinks and feels…much less ultimately control it. My story of how things are or ought to be is just that, my story….Its certainly not the story of the person who hurt me.   Its true, I think, that my forgiveness may release the person who hurt me from feeling guilty or just badly (if indeed the person feels this way)….and that’s a bonus if it happens. Its also true though, that I may never know. And I can’t really let it matter.

So….Whose Freedom Is Really At Stake?

When I can really forgive (and I’m not saying I’ve always been 100% successful)..I think I have actually released myself and given myself a gift. I am no longer chained to the story of me as a victim of my life, and of my anger. I can move on to new connections and relationships that aren’t eyed with the suspicion that is created by my past. Now I’m really free

So….how about you?  Any stories of forgiving or not forgiving that you’d like to share?  I would love to hear them.

The Lotus Blosom
symbol of Health and Wholeness

In his article, “The Seven Habits Of Emotionally Healthy People” the author Guy Winch makes the point that most of us are more alert to threats to our physical well being as opposed to threats to our emotional well being.  I couldn’t agree more.  Many of us guard our physical health religiously and proactively by eating right, taking vitamins, exercising, taking our medications…ect ect.  When we are physically injured we treat that injury, by setting the bone, or putting dressings on the scrape or abrasion.  In our daily lives we try to adopt healthy habits in order to minimize physical issues.

What about in the realm of our emotional and psychological health?  Are we generally “proactive” about safeguarding our emotional health?  Do we consciously adopt lifestyle habits that enhance emotional health?  What might these habits look like?  Dr. Winch has identified seven “habits” that he argues are the best indicators of emotionally healthy and resilient person.  I invite you to take an inventory and see how you do.

1 .Develop the habit of  “failing” successfully.

You can do this by “debriefing” yourself after each life incident that did not meet expectation.  Separate the factors that were in your control from the ones that were out of your control.  Now you can reassess.  Do you need to change expectations, or change your approach?  Simply put, learn from your mistakes…move on

 2.    Derive Meaning from your Losses

There is obviously no way to guard against the fact of “loss” in our lives.  It will happen.  All the research suggests that those who thrive after a devastating loss do so only because they move toward finding meaning in the event.  Think of Paul Klass who after the murder of his daughter Polly, discovered that his healing comes in helping parents find their lost children. As human beings we need to find meaning.

 3.  Disrupt the Cycle of ruminating over distressing events..  The incessant going over and over events that we do in order to understand “what happened” or “why” rarely brings any fresh insight. After a time, it is simply not helpful, and becomes harmful.  Better to distract yourself with something else.

 4 .Nurture Self Esteem. Flagging self-esteem means that the emotional immune system needs to be refueled. Practice “radical” self-love, acceptance, and compassion. Become your own best friend as you remind yourself of your best qualities

5. Boost Self Worth…. related to self-esteem, this means actively engaging in activities that showcase your best self.  Whatever you are good at do it…doesn’t matter what it is. Be with people who constitute your “fan” base…. don’t be with people who don’t appreciate you…. at least any more than you have to.

 6.  Combat Loneliness…It is Dr. Winch’s contention that loneliness is an often under diagnosed problem in chronic depression.  When we are isolated, the feelings of self worth diminish in a downward spiral. It is easy to convince ourselves that we are unloved and to stop reaching out to people for fear of rejection. Its important to not let this happen.

7. Forgive and absolve yourself and others.  Forgiveness research is pointing more and more to the importance of forgiving others for what they have done to you, as well as apologizing for what you may have done. Of course it’s not always easy, and it’s important to keep in mind that forgiving is not tantamount to condoning the action. Related to forgiving is cultivating empathy for yourself and others.

So, that’s the list.

Looking at this myself I can identify that some days are better that others in terms of my good emotional habits.  How about you?

picture curtesy of Linda Muniz

Two days ago I attended a wedding at “Notre Dame Des Victories” Church in San Francisco.  The reception was held at the famous “Palace” hotel nearby.  Pictured here are the bride and groom, Bill and Camille, as they “kick off” the wedding reception and their married life with “The First Dance”.  The photo only begins to reveal the exquisite beauty of the Palace hotel with its Beaux Arts architecture and signature chandeliers…you had to be there to fully appreciate it.

This day was memorable to me, not only because of the extraordinary beauty and elegance of the Church and the Palace hotel. I was also deeply moved by the detailed planning of the event which made it not only a celebration of new beginnings for this couple but an honoring of “past” new beginnings.  The church, for example was the same church that the grooms parents had been married in.  The reception was held in the exact location that the bride’s parents had held their reception.  Pictures of these events of the past were displayed for wedding guests to see.  How cool is that? When wedding guests entered the church they were given a program of events. In this program was the following collective message from the bride and groom.  It reads (in part)…”Thank you especially to our parents for raising us to be the perfect person for the other, and for making this wonderful day and every other day possible”.  On reading this I was struck by this simple but profound acknowledgement of the chain of events that is always guiding each of us to experience the exact perfect moment of “now”.  Our parents are, of course our most direct link in the chain, but in a larger sense everyone we meet is part of the chain.  I reflected upon this often during the course of the evening.

In the days following the wedding, I found myself reflecting on the fact that events such as weddings, graduations, and other “rites of passage” are always very emotional…especially for me, as I grow older.  What is that “prick” of tears that begins to spill over during the wedding procession?  What is that euphoric joy mixed with melancholy that overcomes us when listening to the bride’s father as he remembers the birth of his daughter?  Thinking about it now, it occurs to me that weddings, graduations, and other rites of passage are simultaneously a beginning and an ending. It’s almost too much to process, in a way, that knowledge that you are the witness to a shift.  Change is actually happening all the time, but with transitional events it seems to occur so suddenly…we don’t always see it coming. I guess that’s why we need the ritual…to celebrate, acknowledge, and maybe even grieve a bit for what has been lost in order to make room for what is now gained.

As the evening wore on with the wedding reception, it felt so important that the music reflected the music of all of the generations of wedding guests.  I have no idea if this was intentional or not, but it seemed that the music was planned so that it began with “baby boomer” and even earlier music…and ended up with contemporary stuff…the stuff that seems utterly “undanceable” to me.  The kickoff song “I’m a believer” by the monkees was so perfect.  At that moment I think all of us there felt that we were “true believers”.  We believed in what was happening right then and right there.  I noticed a full participation happening.

Toward the end of the evening (for me), I had a conversation with someone close to my age range.  She lamented that when she was younger she could “dance all night”….no longer.  No longer for me either.  There was some sadness with this realization, but also some relief…I have to say.  I think of Maurice Chevalier in the movie “Gigi” when he sings,..”I’m so glad that I’m not young anymore”.  In the course of this song this dashing French actor of the 1930’s and1940’s speaks of how he can now just sit back and watch the “drama” of the young as their lives unfold before him.

I kind of feel the same way. In the last hour before I left this memorable day it was time to just “sit back and enjoy the show”…. and that’s exactly what I did.

the rewards of mature love

 The folksinger John McClutchen sings a song about the sweet ripening of love discovered and nurtured later in life. It brings a tear of joy to my eye to hear him sing it.  The song, entitled “Old People In Love”, has a chorus after each verse.  It goes like this:

Old people in love

I wonder how they do it

Old people in love

What kind of grace gets them through it?

Listening to this song recently got me to thinking of the kind of grace at work in mature love.  When you have been living a long life, and you have experienced the “full catastrophe” of living, I don’t think you “fall” or “stay” in love in quite the same way as when you were young.  In our youth, it seems to me, “falling in love” is fueled by hormonal excitement and sexual chemistry. As I recall “young” love, it’s also about exhibiting your “catch” to family and friends.  What a “hunk” is he, or what a “babe” is she. Later on… not so much.  Hormones and chemistry may still play a part but mature love has a different texture to it.  It feels quieter and subtler.  In fact, it has been my experience and observation that more “mature” attraction is often difficult for others to understand.  The attraction you feel is more of an “inner “ experience.  Furthermore, it ceases to matter weather other people really “get” your devotion to your partner.  It only matters that you “get” it, and others feel your sense of peace and contentment.  Its part of the “grace”

For me the “grace” is also the fact that you are willingly attaching yourself to someone who will most assuredly be declining in health in the coming years.  Added to this, you yourself are  declining as well.  Of course we all are, no matter what our age.  The difference is, in old age there is no longer the illusion that it can be otherwise.  The evidence appears in the mirror, and in the face of our beloved on a daily basis.  Eventually, we all see it.

Letting go of the illusion of eternal youth can be incredibly freeing in a mature relationship.  Whereas earlier in life you may have looked at your partner and focused negatively on the imperfections of the sagging flesh, the pot belly, or the receding hairline, now all of these things become incredibly dear to you.  They are dear just because they are part of your loved one’s corporality and proof of his/her continued existence in your life.  Your beloved acknowledges and loves the imperfections in you as well.  These little oddities in both of you can even be part of your conversation…. but not in a bad and demeaning way.  Not ever in a way that seeks to change anything.  Time is precious, as you are reminded every day the longer you live.  Why waste it?

In another verse of his song, John McClutchen refers to the expanded clear vision of mature love in the following way:

“Cause they see with a truth

They were blind to in youth

It’s a gift from above

Old people in love”

It does seem to be a “gift from above”, this kind of love that stands the test of time and indeed gets better and deeper with each passing year.  John McClutchen ends his song in this way:

“So let the long years have their way

Still every night of the year I pray

That the first and the last thing I see

Each day is you”

Old People in Love.

I couldn’t possibly say it any better

friendship On Amtrak

 For a long time I’ve had a fantasy about traveling on an overnight train over a long distance. I guess its something about the romance of falling asleep to the rhythm of the rails, as well as being drawn to an earlier era when travel was leisurely and relaxed.  For whatever reason, a long train trip was on my “bucket” list.  Now I can check it off. Two weeks ago, my husband and I boarded the California Zephyr in Emeryville, California and arrived in Chicago, Illinois 52 hours later. Yes, I loved sleeping to the rhythm of train travel. Yes, the scenery as viewed from the observation car was breathtaking. What was the most surprising and delightful, though, was meeting and interacting with all the passengers who boarded the train at various locations. These were, after all, totally random people.  These were people who I ordinarily would never meet, let alone carry on amazingly intimate conversations with. And yet, intimacy was exactly what developed between myself and this odd assortment of people.  How did this happen?  I’ve developed a theory to explain it. Here it is:

  When you pay for a “roomette”, formerly known as a “Pullman” berth in a train…you also get all of your meals included.  On Amtrak they practice “community” seating at meals.  This means you will be seated with new people at every single meal.  At first I was really resistant to this idea, but since there was no choice, I got used to it.  By the end of the trip I really loved it.  Here are the things I discovered that surprised me.

1. People are rarely who you expect them to be when you just glance at them briefly as they board the train.  I suspect I am like everyone else in that I make up stories about people based on how they look, move, talk, and dress.  What I discovered, though, was that my stories were just that….. Stories.  The “hick” looking couple from Mississippi were far, far from ignorant and “redneck”.  I guess it just takes being captively placed with people to make that discovery.  What a shame. I think I need to look at my “storytelling”.
2. Once you open up a little bit to people and ask them about their jobs and families, you would be surprised how much you have in common. A rebellious teenager in Cleveland Ohio is much the same as a rebellious teenager in Oakland.  This was comforting to know. I felt less “lonely”.

I guess somewhere along the line it occurred to me that I could say anything I wanted, and share anything I wanted with the people on this train.  The reality was, I was never going to see any of them again.  That’s kind of the “deal” you make in these situations I think.  Its part of the appeal of travel that there is ultimately no “reputation” to worry about…no nasty gossip to follow you around.  Essentially, you get to be anonymous, which is incredibly freeing.  It got me to thinking that if I was in any way “famous”, I would never be free in this way. (No danger of that!)

My final thought about train travel is that it’s actually a metaphor for life. Aren’t we all, after all, just “Passing Through” the lives of all the people we come into contact with? I’m reminded of a song I learned in the sixth grade entitled “Passing Through”.  Here’s the chorus to the song:

Passing Through, Passing Through

Sometimes happy, sometimes blue

Glad that I ran into you

Tell the people that you saw me passing through

I’m so glad I met all the people on this train. They will never be strangers, even though it’s unlikely I will see any of them again.

Erin Olivio is a clinical professor of medical psychology at Columbia University.  In her work with addicts recovering from multiple addictions, Dr. Olivio finds that she must first find a way to help these people regain a sense of basic self worth.  She begins this process by asking these newly sober patients to identify the character traits they most value in others.  Typical answers to this question might be:  “I value honesty, loyalty, authenticity, the capacity to love”.  Then, Dr. Olivio asks her patients which qualities they most value in themselves.  Now the answers are different.  Most typically, they are things like “I have a good education, I can work hard”.  Dr. Olivio was struck by the fact that people tend to judge themselves more readily by the things they have “done” (the externals), whereas they judge others by the things they “are” (the internals). As a starting point of conversation, Dr. Olivio points out this key difference to her patients.  What she finds is that people, in general, have difficulty identifying their own positive “inner” character traits. When pressed, people are more apt to point out character flaws and/or the ways they have let people down.

Buddhist psychologist Bruce Tift of Naropa University has also noticed this “disconnect” between the way we see ourselves and the way we see others.  In the Buddhist way of thinking, this “self negativity” bias is a cause of great unnecessary suffering for us human beings.  Dr. Tift believes that we are often “divided” against ourselves…believing, as we do, that we have a “good” self and a “bad” self and these “selves” are at war with one another.  At a level that is either conscious or unconscious, this “inner war” becomes a huge source of anxiety, physical discomfort, and depression.  Buddhist thought would argue that the “divided self” is an illusion, or as Dr. Tift terms it a  “hallucination”.  True inner peace and happiness can only occur if we feel “whole”.

So, where did the “divided self” originate, and more importantly, how can we be restored to “wholeness”.  Dr. Tift sees the origins of the “divided self” in childhood. In the relatively long period of childhood each child needs to ensure physical and psychological survival by becoming the child the parent needs him to be.  This is when the unacceptable parts of ourselves, (read “anger” and “aggression”) are pushed into the unconscious…but probably only temporarily.  As we all know, eventually all of our parts will make themselves known..either by “anger” outbursts, or through their conversion into anxiety or physical illness.  The important thing is that, as children, we become very aware of “bad behavior” and our capacity to engage in it. This is the beginning of the “divided” self, that can perpetuate into adulthood and go on forever, if not somehow addressed.

So, how can a “divided” self become whole again.? Bruce Tift believes the answer to this begins with looking deeply into our neurological system, where we have created a neurological pathway that identifies our own “negative” emotions as “dangerous” to the survival of the “self”.  In childhood it may have been literally “dangerous” to allow the anger to surface, so, for our very survival our own emotions became a threat….we had to push them down (sometimes not very successfully) A conflict arose each time a feeling tried to assert itself and had to be somehow conquered. Our childhood strategy kept us in “good enough” relationship with caregivers when we were children, but it no longer serves us.  In reality we need all of our emotions to survive in the real world…all the anger, all the aggression…we need to make them all available.  In reality there is no “good” and “bad” per se, just the appropriate use of emotions at the appropriate time. But How can we achieve the appropriate integration?

First of all, its important I think to understand the concept of “neuro plasticity”.  We know now that “neuro pathways” are not “hard wired”.  We can change them.  Here is where the idea of “vulnerability” comes in.

For the sake of argument, lets consider the emotion of anger. In order to really permanently change the neural pathway that identifies anger, as a “danger” to the “self”, it is necessary to identify the original source of the “trauma” that led us to believe we could not safely feel our anger. Imagine for example, that you were told that your anger was “killing” your mother. Your father is telling you this because your mother is particularly fragile. (this is just an example!) As a child, you might literally believe this…that you could “kill” your mother with your feelings.  Imagine the depth of deep terror you would feel …the absolute vulnerability of this moment. ..your survival is at stake! Bruce Tift argues that if you can feel  and remember deeply within your physical body the sheer terror of the moment of your worst vulnerability you can shift the feeling…change the pathway.  Why?   Because you will discover that, contrary to your deepest childhood fear, you can and will survive. You are literally changing a key, but probably unconscious “core” belief about your own survival. Your psyche has new “evidence”, if you will, and this will change the pathway.  It reminds me of what Winston Churchill said about the onslaught of World War 2….”The only thing you have to fear is fear itself.”..  Put another way, it’s not the event itself but your “fear” of the event, that causes the problem.  Churchill didn’t know it, but it seems to me he was defining the nature of anxiety.  Go into that fear and ….feel it, know it, “embody” that vulnerability fully… Notice that you are truly OK.  Now you will see that the fear and anxiety will simply “let go”.  There is  no reason for it to hold on to itself.

Keep Your Own Man Burning
photo by Darrell Hunger

The end of the “Burning Man” event in the Black Rock Desert is signaled by the actual “burning” of the “Man.” Three stories high, when the “man” is burning, it is a sight to behold.  First the “man made of  sticks” is honored by being lit up fully.  Then, there is a grand fireworks display.  Finally, the man is set on fire, and he burns to the ground.  The ritual is important.  It means that “Burning Man”, as the event of that year, is ending.  Sadly, it is now time for everyone to pack up and go home. At “Burning Man”, when the event is over, it is truly and fully “over”.  Participants are told that they must pack up absolutely everything and “leave no trace”… at least no discernable physical trace”. (This is actually one of the 10 principles)  But what of the experience that lives on in the memory of the participants?  As I mentioned in my previous blog, (see previous blog)….people are deeply affected and “changed” internally by participating in Burning Man. Virtually all of the people I talked to came back from “Burning Man” with a new sense of the possibility of connecting with people in a heart centered and authentic way.  Additionally, people seem to feel really good about themselves.  People have a renewed sense of inner “empowerment” after “Burning Man”, as well as the motivation to continue to create “art” in whatever form that art might take..  My question is, how can we, any of us, bring this incredible  Burning  Man “ethos” to bear in the real world…the world that is so much more competitive, materialistic,  and mean spirited and cruel than the “Burning Man” Utopia.  After all, the “real world” is where we have to live, don’t we?….well maybe.  Or…how about if we keep a man burning within each of us throughout the year?  I’ve been thinking about a few ways we might be able to do that.

The first way is pretty obvious.  “Burning Man” organizers are pretty savvy about the intensity of the experience, so there are many “after” parties and opportunities to “decompress” after “Burning Man”.  In addition, many people who attend are repeat attenders, or “burners” as they are called.  In point of fact,  attendance of “Burning Man” has grown over the years, so that it is now attended by 68 thousand people…from virtually all over the world.  This says to me that events such as “Burning Man” are an answer to a discernable, global “spiritual thirst”…that keeps on growing.

So, there is the first answer to keeping that flame burning….go back to “Burning Man”!…attend the related events.!

Another way to “keep the man burning” would be to just take the principles and contemplate them…and consider how it might be possible to “live” these principles all the time. Lets take” Radical self reliance”, for example. How often does each of us think we can’t figure something out…It’s too hard, we may tell ourselves , or….I don’t understand.  I know I often say these things to myself….and then I pause a moment to actually “figure” it out…and it feels really good!  Lately I’ve tried to challenge myself more, and challenge the insidious sterreotype of the helpless female (that I have apparently internalized) Now, how about “radical self expression”?…..I wonder how often we see ourselves as someone who is not “creative”, or not “artistic”.  What kind of bullshit is that? Just checking out pictures and videos of the clothing , art and music of Burning Man, (keep in mind, I’ve never been there)…convinces me of the amazing creativity made possible by the unleashed and uninhibited  human mind and spirit.  So how about unleashing your inner artist once in while?

The principle of “radical inclusion” seems to me the most challenging of all.  If I take a good hard look at myself, I can find instances where I have dismissed someone who seemed so different from me that he/she was…what…threatening???.. I’m shamed to say this….but its true.  This is the inner work  that know I’m not alone in having to do.

So, I guess what I’m saying is that the “Burning Man” ethos is not something that need only be brought out only for one week every year.  It is possible to begin to incorporate these ideas into our everyday life…if we want to.  I’m not saying its easy, because, face it, the “default” world can be kind of cool.  I love my high tech communication gadgets, my TV, my “safe” friends and family…all the stuff that I know and can reliably depend on.

But I also know, its not enough.  Its not enough, for me at least, to stay inside the cocoon of my familiar world.  I want more.  I want to expand and  to dare to know myself at a deeper level.  I want to try and understand and embrace people that seem “strange”. I want to explore my “outer edges” in a harsh and challenging environment.  My intention is to attend Burning Man next year, and in the meantime…take some time to contemplate and live the principles every day.

“Burning Man” prior to the “Burn”…August 31st 2013
photo by Darrell Hunger

The organizers of “Burning Man” start disseminating information about the weeklong event to all ticket holders long before the event itself. Contrary to a commonly held belief, “Burning Man” is not a chaotic, anarchistic group of crazy artists, musicians, and ex “hippies” getting together to hang out and smoke dope in the desert.  Oh no….no..no.  This year two members of my family attended the event and I learned just a little bit about the true meaning of “Burning Man”. I’m going next year.

    To understand how the community of “Burning Man” operates, the best place to turn is to the Burning  Man Survival Guide, …part of the literature the ticket holders get when they attend the event.  To quote directly from the guide “Our community’s ethos is built on the values reflected in the 10 principles.  “Burning Man” is understood not as an event, but as referring to a way of life lived consistently with these 10 principles.  They are meant to be taken as a whole, as a set of commonly understood values that have arisen out of the history of the Burning Man experience”.

WOW….this is so cool!…says the anthropologist in me.  Burning Man, in the (roughly) 25 years of its existence, has actually evolved a coherent culture that re-creates itself year after year.  The culture is based on very specific principles!  Going through each principle in detail here would take too much time, but I am going to focus on the principles of  “Radical Self Reliance”, “Radical Self Expression”, and “Radical Inclusion”. I am focusing here because of the expression of pure bliss I witnessed in my husbands face when he returned from Burning Man, and his comment that he felt “bathed in oxytocin” (the “love molecule) the whole time he was attending Burning man. It just seemed to me that these manefestations must have something to do with his immersion in the “ethos” of Burning Man. On further reflection I reasoned that, to have such a feeling of “well being” and “contentment” when sharing a harsh environment  with so many others must have directly to do with following principles about how to relate to yourself, and to others. So, I’ve been thinking about it and here is a theory I have developed.

First of all, regarding the principle of “radical self reliance”..the survival guide states that “Burning Man encourages the individual to discover, exercise, and rely on his or her own inner resources.” So, I see this as an emphasis on self empowerment. You, on your own, are enough.  You can take care of yourself.  You are whole. If you combine this with the principle of “radical self expression”…which states that you as an individual are encouraged to share all of “who you are” (for example by the way you dress, your art, your “expression”.. all “parts” of yourself, if you will)…then you are allowing your true self to be seen….all of you.  Ergo…all of you is powerfull….it’s all good!  The third principle of “radical inclusion” seals the other two together, in my mind. To quote from the “Survival guide, again, with the principle of “radical Inclusion… ,”anyone can be a part of Burning Man”…no prerequisites exist for participation…. It seems to me that this is the principle of automatic and unconditional “positive regard”. You are accepted for who you are and what you bring, with no hierarchies.  Everyone is equal.

So, now thinking about the feeling of “love” that seems to flow between “Burning Man” participants (maybe not all the time…there is a “law enforcement” presence of sorts), I’m thinking that the human connection people discover there must come truly and fully from the “heart”.  Given that each participant is encouraged to feel “whole” “self sufficient”  and “empowered” for who they truly are, the reason to “connect” is not about really “needing” anyone…it is about “wanting” connection, pure and simple. Of course, you can help someone who needs it, (and this is encouraged)  but its different than that desperate need people can sometimes feel to find someone to “complete” them.  You are already complete.  Related to this, there is no money exchange at “Burning Man”, except in the instance of two locations where you can buy ice and coffee. Other than this,….”Burning Man is devoted to acts of “gift giving”.  The value of a gift is unconditional.  “Gifting does not contemplate a return or an exchange for something of equal value”  (again, this is another principle from the Survival Guide)

So, these are my thoughts.  I have never been a part of such an “experiment” in community as this.  It’s a chance to connect with people in such a real and immediate way…..(By the way, cell phones, laptops, and tablets don’t work at Burning Man.. Its all BE HERE NOW. ) When my husband Darrell came home, he was totally disoriented and needed to take a couple of days just to adjust to the “default” world. (another Burning Man expression) He couldn’t stop talking about his experience and the wonderful time he had with everyone there, including our adult daughter Simone .  How can I not want to go?

Sixty two year old poet and philosopher Mark Nepo observed recently that his life purpose has changed over the years.  In his “youth”, Mark observed, he was driven by the need to become his own unique self as he pushed himself forward to carve out a niche in the competitive world of writing.  Then, in midlife, Mark had a serious bout with cancer and everything changed.  He describes this time as an experience of “breaking open” completely.  Suddenly success, individualism, and forward momentum, were simply not important.  Now, a handful of years after the beginning of his cancer journey, Mark is focusing his energy on building and deepening relationships.  Even the creative process of poetry writing has taken a back seat to this, as Mark strives to find all the ways in which he is in unity with others, rather than “set apart”.

Mark Nepo’s observations strike a deep chord with me, for several reasons.  First of all, I’m 63, and have recently had a “break open” experience of my own.  In my view, he is exactly right.  When these experiences happen, the only thing that makes them bearable is connecting with others in a meaningful way.  Secondly, professionally I’m interested in helping people who have experienced “relationship failure” to learn how to find and keep relationships…romantic or not.  So, how does one get stared with this task?  More importantly, how does a person get started if they are coming from a place of deep loneliness, fear, and anger after profound disappointment and betrayal?  Mark Nepo offers some ideas on this that I believe are worth looking at.

The first idea that really resonated with me is Mr. Nepos assertion that true loneliness is not something we feel, necessarily, when we are physically alone.  The deepest loneliness is rather an inner loneliness that occurs when we are a “stranger” to ourselves.  How do we become a “stranger” to ourselves? Mark Nepo suggests that it happens when we “react” to our emotional and/or physical pain by retreating into ourselves. Alternatively, we many anesthetize ourselves with drugs and alcohol.  To the outside world, we may appear aloof and uncaring.  Or, maybe we have a great “party” persona that is “laughing on the outside while crying on the inside”. We are, in these instances, essentially “hiding”…. both from ourselves and from others.

Mark Nepo believes that the only way out of this profoundly lonely place is to allow ourselves to feel all of our pain “all the way through”.  We actually have to invite every sensation, every thought, every emotion, every everything to come to our table. All are welcome.  None are denied entrance. Mindfulness meditation is one way to begin to identify and accept everything by noticing the way it all “lands” in our body.  Journaling can also help with building awareness and learning to tolerate all of who we are.

The goal of all of this “self” reflection is to literally; finally, and fully see “the man (or woman) in the mirror”(that is ourselves) So…Ok…but how does this help us not be lonely, and build a healthy relationship?

The idea is that when we allow ourselves to fully feel emotional pain, we are connecting deeply with the vast “river” of anyone and everyone who has ever suffered.  We are connecting with the human family, essentially, and we are laying the foundation for the empathy and compassion that will lead us into our deepest friendships and most committed relationships. This makes sense, when you think about it.  It becomes clear to you when you allow a full experience of emotional pain, that everyone else is just like you. In your “awakened” state you will now see everyone fully, from the “reference point” of yourself.  Now your heart is open and you are available to let someone in.  It starts with you…not anyone else…because your openheartedness radiates outward in a welcoming gesture that attracts people to you.  It has to…there is no other way.

Just remember..spend some time looking in that mirror first!