The Civil War section of the Mountain View Cemetery in Oakland

Typically on Memorial Day I engage in activities that welcome in the summer.  My family uses the extra day to ready our family cabin for summer visitors, and/or I may attend a neighborhood barbeque. This summer was different.  I stayed home, but then when the Monday holiday dawned and was cloudy and drizzly, my husband and I decided to do something we had never done before. The greyness of the day seemed to dictate that we participate in a somber activity, so we chose to attend Memorial Day services at our local cemetery.  Mountain View cemetery is quite well known in Oakland.  Designed by the designer of Central Park, Frederick Olmsted, Mountain View Cemetery is the final resting place for local luminaries such as Julia Morgan, Bernard Maybeck, Henry Kaiser…and many many more. Veterans from all of the wars are also interred at Mountain View…dating back to the Civil War.  I have always felt that this is a very sacred place, very holy.  I felt this as I sat down for the ceremonies on Memorial Day.

     What I realized, as I listened to members of various branches of the service speak in behalf of soldiers lost in battle, is that the living always owe a debt of gratitude to the dead.  Its not that I glorify war—because I certainly don’t.  I have my own political views on the “rightness” or “wrongness” of particular wars.  However, it seems to me that regardless of anyone’s political view, these soldiers put their lives on the line for what they felt to be a “greater” cause.. There is honor in that, regardless of any judgment about that cause. I was happy to honor all of the soldiers, and felt badly that I had not taken time to do this before.

At the end of the ceremony, one of the Mountain View docents, a wonderful storyteller and newspaper man named Dennis Evanosky gave us a tour of the Civil War section of the Cemetery.  Dennis regaled us with stories about how these Civil War veterans ended up being buried in Oakland.  They had all survived the Civil War and then went on to lead colorful and adventuresome lives, making their way across the country, being involved in local politics, marrying their sweethearts,….and then finally their lives were over..and they are buried here….right beneath where we were standing.

What really impressed me about this storytelling was that Dennis had fired up my imagination…and I was there!  I was imagining the lives of these people and it was real.  He was making it real and alive and teaching all of us the value and the joy of remembering the details in the lives of people long gone.

So what I’m thinking now is that I’m connected to all these people who were brought alive by Dennis.  They are all in some way my ancestors..if not directly then in some way indirectly.  After all did we not share the same air, the same land, the same world?  In short, I would not be the same person in the exact same world as I am right now…if it were not for all of them. They are all part of the same grand tapestry that I am a part of, which actually combines all of our stories into one grand story

So my intention now is to remember to remember each year, as well as throughout the year.  As I take my meditation walks through the beautiful Mountain View gardens, I will think of the stories  of the people who are buried here and feel my connection to all of them.

A Case Of Mistaken Identity

 My earlier blog entitled “Who Are You?” featured the infamous Cheshire Cat of Alice In Wonderland fame. Our feline friend asks a question of Alice that we ask ourselves many times in the course of a lifetime. “Who are we” at the core of our being?  It can be a difficult question  when we are constantly shifting and changing roles in response to changing life circumstances.  I suggested in this earlier blog that as we grow older it becomes increasingly important to spend time getting to know ourselves at a deep level.  It is vital to keep asking  who we are in the midst of the “storm” that is constantly swirling all around us, and within us. We want to have a solid sense of ourselves, I think. The only way I know to really develop a relationship with oneself is to engage in a “reflective” practice, such as meditation, prayer, or journaling.

    So, as I was following my own advice and reflecting upon who I am at this moment in time, an uncomfortable thought seemed to invade my consciousness.  It occurred to me quite suddenly that I often resist quiet contemplation because I don’t in fact really like myself a lot of the time.  I don’t always want to look too deeply for fear of what I might find there. Furthermore, I don’t think I’m alone in this.  I know that the Dali Lama has said he is perplexed at the degree of “self” hatred he sees, particularly in the American character.  As hard and judgmental as we may be in regard to others, according to his “Holiness,” it pales in comparison to how hard we are on ourselves.  So, where does this come from, and what can we do about it?

My particular answer to this question, unsurprisingly, comes from Buddhist thought.  I have recently been re reading some books written by the Zen teacher and Buddhist Monk Cheri Huber.  She runs a monastery in Murphys  California, and also a teaching center in Mountain View, California.  It is Cheri’s view that negative self image is laid down very early in our childhood as we are being socialized and “conditioned” by well meaning adults. We are taught to “be this” but “not that.”..to “suppress this” but “express” that.  We are mostly socialized with simple behaviorism, and this method, if you think about it is pretty negatively tinged.  Consider, for example, the mother, yelling across the public swimming pool at her children in order to “control” them. ”No Johnny..no no…you are swimming too far!  Be carefull  of the deep end!   It’s dangerous out there! Help your brother!  No! No! No!…don’t fight!  Does this not sound familiar?  By the time we reach adulthood, those “adult” voices are the voices in our own head, telling us who to be, how to act, who we are, who we are not.  I love what Cheri Huber says about our internalized “voices”.  Her view is that we are all in a constant state of internal dialog with these different voices.  We have the “mean voice”, the “compassionate voice”, the “critical voice”.  The dialog is unrelenting, and our “mean voice “is often louder than the rest.  It is Cheri’s view that these voices are best viewed as existing outside of our “true self”.  They are talking to us….but they are not us.  We identify the voices as us, but they are not.  She calls it a case of “mistaken identity”.  The inner work of discerning the voices and starting a new inner conversation based on compassion, empathy, and patience, is the crux of Cheri’s Self Acceptance practice.  Cheri argues that when we can turn our attention to the voices of  self love and self acceptance, we can turn down the volume on self hate.  We can let “Life be in charge” as we give up our attempt to control anything.

And that…..my friend….is the secret to ending our anxiety..once and for all

The cheshire cat

“Who are you?” intones the Cheshire cat as he looks down upon Alice in Lewis Carroll’s classic tale “Alice In Wonderland”.  Alice has fallen down the rabbit hole and had a series of adventures.  She was at first very large, and then she became very small.  Who indeed is she? She has lost herself in a strange new world.

Perhaps we are all a bit like Alice, as we fall down our own individualized “rabbit holes” and ponder who and where we are, and how we got here.  The reality is that our identities are always shifting and changing as we shed old roles and assume new ones, virtually all the time.  We grow up, grow old, get divorced, watch children leave home…and the list goes on.  It can be challenging to retain a stable sense of ourselves in the midst of all of this change as we are constantly asked to define ourselves in new ways. So…I ask again…who are you?

This is not, I think, a trivial question…but rather an existential crisis of identity that we are all engaged in all the time.  Underneath our many roles…wife, mother, daughter, student,  there has to be an essential “me-ness” that allows us to actually recognize ourselves.  Consider, for example, that many years ago my five year old daughter was very distraught after a haircut.  “Mommmy….I hate it!…she wailed”. “I don’t look like myself!”  Wow…already an identity crisis! Inevitably none of us will have a life that looks the same over time…and we certainly won’t look the same. Our life will not be the same physically, interpersonally, or geographically.  We may long for a time gone by, but we can’t re-create it

The essence of this constant crisis of identity is perhaps that, in spite of the storm that is raging all around us all the time, we must somehow retain a “felt” sense of ourselves.  We want to be able to say, “Yes, that is me”.  I know who I am at my center. The “calm” at the center of our “storm” is our solid, non negotiable “core” self.  But how do we keep that center solid?

The only way I can think of to do this is to constantly check in with ourselves, and just simply ask the question: “Who am I now?”  “What do I stand for?”  “What is important to me”  The relationship of the self to itself becomes ever more important as we age, I think.  The world around us changes at rocket speed, it seems to me, but we don’t need to.  Self recognition ensures we won’t get lost as the world becomes “curiouser and curiouser”, to quote Lewis Carroll, again.

You can do your “check in” in a number of ways, such as prayer, meditation, journaling….anything that is a “contemplative” practice…anything that forces you to slow down and relflect.. This is a cheap and easy practice, but incredibly rewarding.  Just focus on one central question:  “Who are You?”…Don’t you really wanna know?

I’ve had a series of   disturbing dreams lately.  When I wake up my heart is beating fast, and only slows down after I do a “reality check”.  “Thank god that was only a dream”, I tell myself.  I certainly don’t want to dwell on the content.  Nevertheless, as my morning progresses I’m still left with this lingering feeling of anxiety, fear, shame, or disgust…usually some combination of these uncomfortable feelings.  Added to this, I feel a sense of failure because I’m actually trying to do dreamwork again.  I meet with a dream group for the purpose of dream interpretation, but I’ve yet to present a dream. I have created this “bind” for myself where I am afraid of the content of my unconscious, even as I profess to invite it to reveal itself.

What I do know, however, is that recurring “bad” dreams occur because our unconscious is trying to send a message through to us.  The message is usually about something we need to attend to. The dreams will continue to occur, and in fact may broadcast louder until we pay attention to the message.  This, I believe is the psyche reaching toward wholeness and growth.  In dreams the language of the message is symbolic.  So, for example, a symbol of death may appear in a dream.  It may actually mean I need to let something die in my life.  Perhaps I’m maintaining a relationship that no longer serves.  Maybe I need to let a “role” I have assumed, or a burden I have carried, die off.  The death needs to occur to allow for new life to emerge.  Letting this aspect of myself die is a good thing for my inner growth, but my awake and conscious self may be afraid that if I change I will no longer be accepted…or even loved.  It feels risky.  This is where the “shadow” comes in.  Basically, I believe that by the time we all reach adulthood we are socialized by our families and the culture to only identify with, or “own”, if you will, certain aspects of ourselves.   Other parts, we may learn, are “bad”, or in my case “unladylike”.  Being human, we are of course going to feel these “bad” things anyway, but we quickly learn to “disown” that which people will not love us for.  These aspects get shoved down into our “shadow”, where they are largely unconscious.  We can glimpse our shadow selves when we find we are reacting strongly and judgmentally to the things other people do.  Strong reactions are often, although not always,  a “projection.”…that is  to say, we may attribute to others that which we cannot see in ourselves.

I think we also get to see our shadow selves emerge in dreams.  When we invite ourselves to remember dreams, the shadow self demands to be seen, heard, and felt. I think my strong reaction to remembering my dream had to do with some “shadow” material that was trying to come though.

I also believe that if we make room for the “shadow” self, and give it a “place at the table” so to speak, we can begin to integrate those less comfortable parts of ourselves. Bringing these parts into the “light”, so to speak, we will find that they are not so scarry…..Its when they remain in the dark that they continue to have unmanageable power over us.

Ok….now I’ve said it…I’ve committed…Bring it on shadow! I’m ready for you now

Letting Go means learning to forgive

Last week was a difficult week.  The massive senseless violence left me shocked and dismayed.  I also found myself rethinking the struggle of the “soon to be” butterfly within his cocoon as he struggles to break free. (See my previous blog entitled “Lessons From A Butterfly”).  As I struggled with my own negative and sometimes judgmental feelings about the events in Boston and the explosions in Texas, I began to realize that we humans are all, in some way struggling within our own self made cocoons of misery. It seems to me that many of us are trying to change our lives, “let go” of old belief systems that no longer serve, “let go” of anger directed toward our culture and/or those who have hurt us, “move on” to something better and healthier.  But I think we get stuck.  I know I do.  This  “Letting go” thing can be really hard.  I know it is for me, especially when I feel really justified about what I believe.  Problem is, feeling “justified” does not mean feeling happy, or feeling “at peace”…and that’s what I really want.  So, what can we do then?  How can any of us help our own selves move through the anger, the anxiety, and the angst that feels so real within us. I have a couple of ideas to try out on you.

My first idea draws upon a verse from the Bible.  This is a very familiar verse, memorialized by the Byrds in their famous song “Turn, Turn, Turn. It is actually from Ecclesiates verse 3 of the Bible.  Here’s how it goes :

To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven.

A time to be born, a time to die

A time to kill, a time to heal

A time to break down, and time to build up

A time to laugh, a time to weep

A time of war, a time of peace

This is just a small part of the entire verse, but it goes on in a similar vein.

For me this verse offers comfort at times of great turmoil because the message is that all our life experiences are part of the whole, and there is an appropriate “season” for them to show up in our lives.  Perhaps the concept can also be extended to the people who show up and then die, or people who leave us in cruel and unimaginable ways…or horrifying events which make no sense at the time they occur.  It can be easier to grasp the meaning of an event after some time passes and we get some perspective. This is when we may get an ”aha” moment and appreciate the lesson learned, but at the time the event is happening our struggle is to just accept it.

In the meantime, I would like to offer  one other idea, which can be a very powerful spiritual practice for dissolving anger, guilt, resentment, and other toxic emotions that can keep us in the “deep freeze” of arrested emotional growth.  This is of course, the practice of forgiveness…the ultimate “letting go”.  Its easier said than done, of course, but I think if we can consistently practice all parts of it, it can be really effective.  The idea is to spend quiet time within your own mind, on a regular basis and repeat these three forgiveness intentions:

1. For all those I have harmed, knowingly or unknowingly, I am truly sorry…forgive me and set me free.
2. For all of those who have harmed me, knowingly or unknowingly, I forgive them and set them free
3. For the harm I have done to myself, knowingly or unknowingly, I am truly sorry.  I forgive myself and set myself free

So, that’s it.  I think the three parts are all important,  as well as the inclusion of “knowingly and unknowingly”.  Truthfully, we don’t always know how we have hurt people, nor do they know they have hurt us. Also, we often don’t acknowledge the harm we do to ourselves. Nevertheless, the hurt is done…and needs to be addressed

I’m hoping I can take this practice into my own healing this week.  I hope you can too.

Lessons in “Letting Go” we learn from the butterfly life cycle

I heard a great story recently about the life cycle of a butterfly.  As we all know, butterflies start their lives as caterpillars.  The caterpillar builds a cocoon and then emerges some time later as a butterfly.  The butterfly life cycle is of course a great metaphor for metamorphosis. A caterpillar is literally transformed into a butterfly.  It becomes something altogether different from what it was. What I only learned of recently is the enormous struggle that goes on for the caterpillar inside of the cocoon. During metamorphosis the “caterpillar” is neither caterpillar nor butterfly, but rather some kind of primordial goo of undifferentiated imaginal cells.  Only very gradually does the cocoon become to small for the “soon to be”  butterfly.  In his own time, the butterfly “pushes out”, and flies away

In my view, the most important thing about the butterfly story is that if there is any interference from the outside, that is any attempt to “speed up” the emergence of the butterfly, that butterfly will die.  The butterfly needs to struggle to fully emerge as a butterfly.

In many ways the butterfly story is the struggle of every parent who has ever had trouble “letting go” of his adult child.  It could also apply to “letting go” of a loved one in the process of the death transition.  Hard as it is, we simply must let our loved ones leave us to continue on their journey…when they are called to do so.

As a parent, it has always been difficult for me to watch my child suffering as she struggles to do things “on her own”.  This is especially true if I think I can ease the suffering.  Similarly, as a sister, it was difficult for me to “let go” when my older sister was dying.  In truth, my sister was “reconciled” to her death before I was reconciled to her leaving me.  But it wasn’t my “call”.  It was hers. If I’m left with unfinished business…that’s my work.

My challenge now is to think of “letting go” as a process of allowing both myself and the person I am letting go of,  to expand and grow beyond what we now are. The opportunity is there for both of us to “reach up to meet” whatever is next.  In doing so, I strive to honor and cherish the past, be fully in the present, and look forward to the uncertain but exciting unfolding of the future.

The third “Act” of our human lifespan is hopefully a time of sitting back to assess where we are, where we have been, and what the future holds.  It can be a painful time for some of us.  We may have regrets, leftover resentments, and unhealed emotional wounds. We may need to forgive, and/or want to be forgiven for something in our past.  This time can also be a time of grateful reflection regarding all that we have accomplished, and appreciation for the relationships that we cherish. For most of us, I suspect that we feel a little of both of these things.

Recently I ran across a book written by an Australian palliative care nurse named Bonnie Ware.  Entitled, “Inspiration and Chai”, the book chronicles the dying “epiphanies” of people living in hospice care during the last weeks of life.  Ms. Ware spent many hours listening to the final thoughts of her patients as they confronted the ending of their lives.  She then faithfully recorded these thoughts and found the clear and unvarnished truth that emerges when people no longer have anything to lose. “Inspiration and Chai” reveals that at the end of life, people are remarkably similar in the way they regard the life they are soon to leave behind. The author discovered that with a little “prodding”, dying patients talk about what they would “do over” in their lives if they had the chance. These “do overs” fall into five main categories.  Here then is the list of regrets most often cited by hospice patients: (stated in the first person)

1. I wish I had the courage to “be myself” more
2. I regret having worked so hard (the author notes that it used to be men who said this more often. Now both men and women say this)
3. I wish I had risked more and had the courage to express my feelings (the author notes that this wish is most often expressed by people with illnesses associated with repressed and bitter feelings)
4. I wish I had kept up with my friends better
5. I wish I had let myself be happy

So, there you have it.  Reading this makes me want to set the intention to live out my life fully, to be courageous, to choose happiness, and to nurture my relationships. How about you?

It’s never too late….

The secret is, I have come to believe, that for each of us the “unlived life” is already alive in us, just waiting to be claimed. You know what it is because it lives in the stirrings and the longings of your heart….  Its what you really want anyway, isn’t it?

Just listen…pay attention…and choose it….Now is the time

After my last posting, (Just be curious, good advice for the female brain), I received some feedback that leads me to believe there is more to be said on this topic.  As was pointed out to me, it is all well and good to bring yourself out of your emotional brain and into your prefrontal cortex….however, your “monkey mind” will not always allow you to stay in a calm and dispassionate place.  “Monkey mind” is a Buddhist term that refers to the constant chatter our mind engages in seemingly against our will.  Unfortunately “monkey” chatter is often negative, self sabotaging inner dialog, and it seems relentlessly intent on finding all evidence possible that our lives and our very selves are worthless and catastrophic. “Monkey mind” is quicksilver fast, and will be merciless in its ability to draw upon our vast reservoir of negative core beliefs and assumptions.  So, there you are back in your emotional limbic brain.  So, what do you do now?  Here is one exercise you might try.  It has several steps, so don’t leave any of them out!

1. When you find yourself caught up in one of these inner dialogs that is going around in circles and ending up in the same place, first just STOP…I mean just tell yourself to stop, either out loud or silently.
2. Try to identify the negative core belief underlying what you are telling yourself.  The belief could be for example, “I’m just always so stupid, or “I never stick up for myself”…(“always” and “never” are key tip offs to negative core beliefs)To begin to dissolve this belief, its important to examine it carefully.  I like to use the “Inquiry” process developed by Byron Katie, called “The Work”.  Here’s how to do it:

(a)       Ask yourself, “Is this belief really true, and how do I really know its true?

(b)       At this point, you will hopefully come to the conclusion that you can’t really know that its true, (you can really know much of anything is true), and you can imagin who you might be without that belief…so you are ready to–

(d)      Gather all the evidence you can find, past and present, that actually supports the opposite belief to this one…and visualize yourself in as many situations as you can where you are this version of yourself!..that is the version that does not have the toxic belief.  Some situations might have happened, maybe some didn’t…but it doesn’t matter…the brain does not care.

What I propose is that the brain will eventually accept whatever version of your story you decide you want to give it.  The key is to present a new story, and reprogram your mind over, and over, and over again..but don’t take my word for it…try it yourself

People nearing the end of life will often name their greatest joys and greatest sorrows in terms of relationships.  Regrets, for example may be about time not spent with loved ones, or about not having forgiven some past transgression.  Regrets are seldom about anything to do with the material world.  With this in mind, my professional “mission” is to help people who want to be in an intimate and meaningful relationship to achieve that goal.  Weather you want to “attract” a healthy relationship or to repair, strengthen, and revitalize the one you are currently in, I am committed to helping you. Together we will look thoughtfully at the  patterns you are repeating  in relationships that are not working for you.  This insight will then be the key to fixing the relationship you are in, or finding and keeping the exact right relationship for you.  I urge you to read the blogs that follow to get a sense of what I believe, and how I work…..Leslie Kays