‘The Art Of A Graceful Ending

We don’t do endings well in this culture.  Life proceeds ahead for us in distinct “chapters”, such as childhood, adolescence, parenthood, old age, ect.   And so, we are constantly in a state of transition from one chapter to the next.  Yet, we often do not take note of when one stage has ended, and another has begun.  Sometimes we do take note of the beginning of a new stage of life—marriage for example, or graduation.  We celebrate these events because we like it when new things begin. It seems to me, though, that we don’t so much like it when things end.  Paradoxically, something must always end in order for a new thing to begin, but we don’t focus so much on this.  Note, for example that Graduations are called “Commencements”.  Even though a graduation marks the ending of something, we focus instead on the beginning of something else.  Isn’t this odd?

It seems to me that “Endings”, in our culture are frequently cast in a dark light….the end of innocence…the end of childhood…the end of a marriage…the end of an era…the end of life.  Emphasis is placed on “moving on”, and/or “getting over it”.  Maybe this is just another manifestation of our “youth” culture.  We like things that are “young”, “fresh’’ and “shiny new”.  We often think that when things end, it must mean that there has been a “failure” of some sort. What “wrong” thing has happened to make it so that this thing must now end?  A job ends. A marriage ends.  Who or what is to blame for this “failure”? This “mindset” takes over even when we know that “all things  must end”

I submit that endings do not have to “play out” in this dark and negative way.  An ending can be a beautiful, honorable, and graceful thing.  A graceful ending paves the way for a new beginning to emerge without the “baggage” of a “bad” ending.  Case in point was my sister Nancy’s passing from pancreatic cancer several years ago.  The fact that she had to die was enormously painful for my sisters, my father, and her children…but the way she died was nothing short of beautiful. What I noticed is that all family members came together at the end.  We were there for her and we were there for each other.  We honored and celebrated her constantly, and we openly grieved with her and each other.  We said goodbye.  Nancys memorial service was “A Celebration” of her life in which her essence was evoked.  Nancy’s final gift to me was in showing me that we can do endings well…thank you Nancy.

In contrast to this I think of the way marriages often end, at least many of the marriages I have known.  One partner wants to move on, and generally wants to move on fairly quickly.  The other partner may be “dumped” with very little explanation, and  without any attempt to honor the years of marriage, the family which has been built, the experiences shared. Even when marriages end by more mutual agreement, they still seem to end with very little fanfare. Is this not the “mother” of all bad endings in our culture?…leaving behind as it does a veritable wreakage of bad feeling and trauma.  Why can’t the ending of a marriage be the same as the ending of a life… as I experienced it with my sister?  Doesn’t this ending deserve the same careful attention to all parties involved, and some attempt to understand what this theoretically “sacred” relationship was all about?…Why not have a “Celebration of the Marriage” event?  Why not have a period of “mourning” after the end of a marriage as we do with a death?..

So, that’s how I would change things.  We would have designated periods of celebration and/or mourning after all major endings in life…some kind of ritual at least…something!  What do you think?? It’s at least a start towards necessary healing…and the beginning of paving a healthy foundation upon which to write the next chapter

I recently attended a class geared toward teaching me how to Blog.  My business needs expansion and exposure.  I know I need to embrace internet marketing, and particularly I need to embrace social networking.  I paid for the class, and I’m even excited about it, albeit somewhat anxious about weather or not I can overcome a long standing “techonophbia”.  Bottom line is, if I want to stay in business, I have to be competitive in a new business environment.  I have no choice about this.

Actually attending the class has been an incredible learning experience for me, but not in the way I expected.  What I discovered, firsthand, is that bringing anything new into our lives is a challenge.  Change forces us to change the whole way we look at the world and the way we see ourselves in it.  This is where the challenge lies.  For example, in learning to blog I am learning a new way to communicate my voice…not on the phone or “in person”, but in this other way that is very exciting and holds enormous potential….but…this is not the world as I have always known it.  Change forces us to come to terms with loss of the world as we knew it.  Things are not the way they used to be, and there is some sadness in that.  There is a reason to grieve.  What I noticed as I began to have some technological problems in the bloglab, was that I became very anxious.  Feelings of inadequacy flooded me as I fell further and further behind the rest of the class.  I began to feel like I was in the middle of the anxiety dream where there is a test and you realize  you have not studied.  I don’t like feeling these feelings and a very big part of me wanted to escape.  That part of me wants to tell the story of “I cant do this”, because it is easier to be in this story than to actually feel those feelings of loss…that “longing “ for a bygone era that sometimes overtakes me.  In our culture we don’t acutally make room for grief, and are instead urged to “move on”.  In my view, this is a mistake.  I believe we need to actually feel all of the feelings that come up when we go through any kind of transition in our lives.  The feelings are a gateway to expansion of the self, and an opportunity to grieve not only this loss, but all that have come before.

Having said this, I end with a new intention.  The intention is to look head on into the future of my life…clear eyed and unblinking  I’d like to face these fears of blogging, aging, future losses,…whatever life has in store….BRING IT ON

Facing Life’s Changes With Resiliency

The other night I attended the performance of a Jazz quartet At “Freight And Salvage” coffeehouse In Berkeley.  Mind you, Jazz is not normaly “my thing”…mainly in the sense that I’m largely “Jazz Iliterate”.  I don’t know what to listen for, so I often feel that one “piece” drags on endlessly and pointlessly.  However, I attended this particular Jazz performance with an out of town friend, who is a jazz lover, and long time studier of this musical form. My intention was to have an open mind to this particular experience, and I was looking forward to showing off a coffeehouse in “my neighborhood”.  Here is what happened:

As I struggled to appreciate a performance that was initially foreign to me, (as well as overloud), I began to become acutely aware that my “jazz lover” friend was unhappy.  No..it was much more than that…she was actually really angry.  Ironically, I became aware of my friends dour mood just as I was starting to enjoy myself and pick up on the audience appreciation of the music.  In short, I was movin and groovin to the music by this time.  I was taking in the ambience in a musical land formerly strange to me.  In contrast, my friend was literally “shutting down”.  I was frankly puzzled by this.  Did not my friend “love” jazz?.  Did her pursed lipped disapproving look signal enjoyment?  I thought not…but I was really confused by this turn of events

At the end of the performance my friend said to me , with great disapproval and disgust…”that was not what I was expecting!”

‘AHA…THOUGHT I, AT THIS POINT!…the lightbulb now furiously going off in my head..”Not what I was expecting?…there is your problem right there!.  As my friend went on to critique the performance, mostly comparing it to “jazz greats” of the past, I just tuned her out as I realized a very simple truth. For me the truth is that we close ourselves down to new learning, creativity, passion, and joy when we cling rigidly to “expectations” of how things “”should” be. I literally saw this “closing down” happen in my friend. As we “close down” in such a way, I believe we are complicit in creating our own private hell, regardless of what environment we are in.

Myself, I’m grateful for my night at Freight and Salvage.  I’m grateful on so many levels, not the least of which is to clarify my mission to help people out of the private “hell” we all create as we struggle through transition and resist change.  What I realized on this night is that going through change successfully requires openness in ones world view.  It requires  a willingness to accept and embrace what is…right here and right now.  This needs to happen even as we each mourn and honor that which has come before. I believe that the present doesn’t negate the past but rather enhances and builds upon it.

So, this is what I mean by resiliency.  I see it as a flexibility in the ability to accept all of the past and all of the present…making way to move into the future with joy and gratitude.  I hope I made some strides in the ability to do this myself a couple of nights ago and that I can help others do the same…blessings to you…Leslie Kays MFT

On January 21^st Barack Obama was inaugurated for his second term as president of the United States.  As I listened to Obamas Inauguration address, I was reminded that each of us has the opportunity to inaugurate ourselves every day.  After all, each day is a new day, like none that has come before, or will come after.  Each day brings with it new information and new possibilities and opportunities.  I was further inspired by Obama’s elucidation of the concept of our collective energy.  It got me to thinking that, as miraculous as each of us is on our own, we are exponentially more miraculous when we pool together our resources.  This is particularly true now, when you add all the tools we have for dissemination of information and communication amongst ourselves.  In my mind it just becomes a matter of the lazer focus of that information and energy into upleveling all of us.  I suppose I don’t see any difference between the good of one and the good of all in a world where we are all interconnected.

So, for me this is what the idea of “self” inauguration is all about.  In my own life I’m attempting to move beyond my own comfort zone of who it is I think I am.  I’m trying to move into the possibility of who I really can be.  I want to do this for me, but also in order to serve the larger community.  I want to actually make a contribution.  The internet, social media, and marking itself are activities that are initially unfamiliar to me.  I have resistance, fear, and anxiety…and Im always on the verge of just giving up.  That’s the truth.

It’s also the truth though, that I resonate with Obama and I resonate with his message, as I hear it. I admire him for being a man of this time.  I also love the way he commented that we don’t need to solve the issue of the role of government right now.  We just need to move forward.  We just need to do something.  It’s the message I need to give myself. Just keep moving forward, Leslie.  Don’t let the tyranny of trying to be perfect get in the way of going as fast as you can and doing the best that you can.  Thank you Diana lighting a fire under me to learn to blog