Most of us would agree that it is important to follow through with the commitments we make to others.   This is what Michelle Obama meant, I believe, when she famously stated, “My word is my bond”.  When your word is your bond, then it means people can trust you. Trust is fundamental to keeping the relationships that mean so much to us. 

As I age, however, I begin to think more and more about the commitments I have made to myself over the years. How many times have I vowed to take better care of myself  and my relationships?  How many times have I vowed to keep my finances in order?  My commitments to myself may be large or they may be small, but either way, I have let myself down on far too many occasions. When I let myself down, I feel guilt and I feel regret. Over the years the regret begins to build up…so I’ve decided to do something about it.

The Deathbed Exercise

At the risk of sounding morbid, it has to be acknowledged by all of us that we will not live forever. As you age, of course, your “sell by” date looms closer and closer, although let’s be real…none of us knows how much time we have.  So what does this mean? In my mind it has become more and more important to really look at all the things I said I wanted to do (bucket list).  Also, I’ve been thinking about relationships that need nurturing…or maybe even repair. I’ve imagined my future self…the self that is maybe even on the way to “shedding this mortal coil” and I’ve imagined what my greatest regrets might be.

Deathbed regrets are almost always about relationships

When the question is asked of people who are dying, “what is your greatest regret?”

The answer is almost always a regret involving an important relationship. Typically you would hear something like, “I wish I had a better relationship with my child, or my friend” Very rarely would you hear something like “I wish I had worked more or made more money.

When I picture myself at the end of life, I am sure that I will regret most the unsaid words to people I love.  I will regret not forgiving or asking for forgiveness from those I have wounded or have wounded me.  At that point, I may not have the time to say the right words or do the right things

I do have the time now

The point is, I do have the time now, so that’s going to be part of the work of my “third” act. I can do something about future regrets, even if I can’t wipe out all of my regrets from the past. 

So, I would urge you too. No matter what your age or how big or small the rift is between you and someone else, do your best to repair it now. Sometimes you can’t and I understand that too…. but at least consider addressing the issue.  I assure you you will not regret engaging in this process.

I have noticed in myself that I sometimes “forget” what I want or what I need.  I get so caught up in putting my energy into knowing the needs, preferences, and concerns of my immediate family and friends, that I can’t recall what I really “long” for in the deepest part of my being.  “What do you want?” I ask myself over and over and the answer does not immediately come.  This applies to my preferences about a vacation as well as what to order in a restaurant, or even which restaurant to go to.  It also applies to deeper questions like, how do you want your retirement to go?  How do you see the “third act” of your life?

Recently I tried an experiment to address these existential questions about what I want. I had the opportunity to “get away” from my usual day-to-day life and go on a “retreat” all by myself.  I was fortunate to have a place to go that is deeply meaningful to me.  My family has had a cabin in the Sierra foothills for several generations now.  I co- own the cabin with various family members and we sign up to go there. 

This “solo” retreat was four days of “radical self fulfillment”.  First off, I went to my favorite grocery store and bought everything that I like…including items I remember from childhood. This is different from when I shop for my family. I often forgo my own preferences for the preferences of others.  Not this time. I also brought my favorite books, music, and classic movies to watch on the ancient DVD player.  The only rule I gave myself was “do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it”. 

Each day began with a guided “body scan” meditation, which is a way to check in on how your body is doing.  What does it need?  How does it feel?  From there I followed the cues coming from my own mind and body about eating, sleeping, reading, and swimming.

I remembered  “secret” things about myself that I had forgotten, and I journaled my thoughts to remind myself later when I become “busy” again. After four days on my retreat I felt “reborn”. I will definitely be doing this again

The other day I finally tackled a job I have been putting off for a long time. I finally decided it was time to go through my clothes closet and get rid of anything that “no longer served me”.  In order to accomplish this task, I set aside two hours, put on my favorite “happy” music, and put everything out on my bed for careful consideration. So what drove me to this crisis point? It was frustration, plain and simple.  In recent weeks I have been unable to “find” particular items that I “know I have” but somehow seem to have disappeared. My wiser self knows that these items have not really disappeared.  I did not throw them out or give them away. No. These items were somehow hidden deep within the black hole that my closet had become. I had to find these lost items. The only way to find what is lost is to look through everything.

MY UNEXPECTED TREASURE HUNT

 As I began the slow and deliberate process of going through clothes I had been basically “hoarding” over the past 7-10 years, I found myself in a curious almost meditative trance of sorts.  Each item of clothing had a story behind it.  The stories varied of course.  Sometimes I found things that represented some earlier version of me that was heavier or lighter or certainly younger.  Sometimes I found things that had been given to me that I either never really liked, or I found things people gave me that I actually love but had forgotten about.  Whatever the “story” behind an item of clothing, I came away from this experience with a rich narrative about my life and how it had evolved over the years. I realized that we carry within us an amazing history of life experiences, but we sometimes forget everything that led us to who we are now. In my closet treasure hunt I also found books that had inspired me 5 or 10 years ago. As I looked through those books I found some hidden gems of information that are still relevant, or maybe even more relevant now.

GRIEF AND LOSS

A big part of my treasure hunt had to do with coming across items of clothing that are no longer appropriate for an older me. I have to “let go” of that younger me, as I carefully set aside clothes that I will donate.  It is my hope that these clothes will find a new home with someone who will see them as a “treasure”.  These clothes will have a new life…and this thought brings me joy as I realize that it is another manifestation of life’s continuity. My grief also emerged as I found clothing given to me by folks who are no longer alive.  I won’t give these things away. They become my memorial…weather on not I wear them.

SEEING MYSELF ANEW

Now that I have a “new” closet I am really happy every time I go there to decide what to wear.  It’s such a joy to be able to “see” everything and see all those things I thought I had lost. The trick now will be to keep things in the order they are in now. I know myself and know my tendency toward entropy, but I think I can set a new intention just by being present and mindful. I’m looking at clothes as a part of self-expression and deserving of my respect…. just as I need to take care of and respect myself through self-care.  It is in fact a part of self-care.

I highly recommend this project to anyone who knows this is something they need to do, but have been putting it off.

Do it!!

When I was an adolescent back in the 1960’s I became obsessed with rock and roll music. In retrospect I can now see this time in my life as an “awakening” of sorts. I began to fantasize about what it would be like to have a boyfriend, and many of my fantasies were fueled by rock and roll lyrics that I memorized and sang along with on my AM radio. What was the content of these lyrics?  It was all about romantic love as it is understood by teens and twentysomethings. How do you find a boyfriend?  How do you keep a boyfriend? What happens if you lose a boyfriend? 

These were all burning questions asked by these songs, and the main emphasis was on how relationships “feel”. I, of course, wanted to “feel” good and I imagined that I’d “feel” the best if my boyfriend was “cute” and had high ”value” amongst my peers. Indeed when I finally got a boyfriend I did feel good. He actually liked me…which felt like a miracle. However, my good feelings were very transient as young “love” often is. 

These early experiences were not “real” love as I understand it now. They were experiences of a kind of  “imitation” love that is fleeting and transactional. The implied transaction, in my view, is an unstated “deal” you make with your “crush” that as long as this relationship makes us both “feel” good, and feel we have a higher “status” with our peers we will hold onto it. If something “better” comes along…all bets are off.

Since this time, many years ago, I have a very different understanding of what real love is. I am fortunate to have found real love in may forms…from the love of my children to the love of my dear friends to the love of my husband…these are all examples of the real love I have discovered.  So, what is the difference between my early relationships and the ones I have now?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot and realizing that we have it backwards when we put this emphasis on how another person makes “us” feel. The more important question is, I believe, do we have the capacity to see, accept, and unconditionally love another person regardless of their inevitable shortcomings and flaws? Is the well-being of another person important to us, and can we give of ourselves without specific expectation of what they are able to give back ?

As mothers, the capacity to love our children unconditionally is a biological necessity for their survival, but I believe it’s equally important in adult relationships. In my experience, when I have been able to demonstrate that kind of love to another person…romantic or not…I have also been able to feel their love back. Real love is like that, I think.  When you give it out freely and generously it comes back to you tenfold. The key is to give of yourself authentically in whatever capacity you can. By generously, I don’t mean that you should sacrifice your own well-being for that of someone else. If someone expects this of you, then it shows me that they are not capable of real love for you. Ideally, you want to give to each other in equal measure, so that your well-being is just as important as the well-being of another. This is REAL Love in my view.

Many years ago I received an unfavorable job evaluation. I remember distinctly that the main “complaint” was my apparent “inability” to follow through on job responsibilities that I myself had agreed to with great enthusiasm. My evaluator was puzzled and disappointed.  He further noted that “it is not a question of if you can perform the required duties, it is a question of if you will do them. This evaluation haunts me to this day because I recognize the truth in those words.  The difference is, that today I am not in a job situation with a “boss” who I report to.  I report only to myself in everything I do, and yet I still have a problem with “follow through”.

What is going on here?

I’ve thought about this “commitment” issue a lot, and wondered from time to time if I’ve just become “lazy”.  This is an easy answer, but I don’t think it’s correct, and it does not offer any solutions. I think the problem lies much deeper and has much more to do with this recurrent issue I have regarding faith in myself. 

Given the difficulty that many of us have with following through with New Years resolutions, I think I am not alone.  I think that many of us, at the core, suffer from bouts of self-doubt when it comes to tackling a goal that seems overwhelming at first…especially when we don’t see results immediately. I know for me I always wonder if I will fail.  If I don’t even try then I won’t fail.. Right?

Now that I’m in the third act of life I’m trying to have a very different stance about “failure”.  I have a diminishing amount of time ahead of me and there is simply not enough time to keep “putting things off”.  I probably will have some “setbacks” in achieving  many of the goals I have….but so what?  When you look at all the great inventions of man you will always see initial failures.  Its part of the process.

I’m trying out a new “mantra” on myself these days. I imagine myself, many years from now looking back on my current self.  What will I regret as I look back? Surely I will not regret the ups and downs of various “failures” that were an inevitable part of life…and a part of moving forward. 

No, I’m sure what I will regret are all the hopes and dreams I gave up on.  I will regret the times I didn’t even try. I know this because it has already happened to to other more “youthful” dreams I had in the past.

The point is, as I see it, to “Carpe diem”…or Seize the day”. There is no downside to continuing to push ourselves into new and possibly   uncomfortable situations that  may well allow life to unfold in ever-miraculous ways. You’ll never know if you don’t try.

In my 7th decade of life, I find myself increasingly prone to reminisce about the past. Sometimes I really enjoy this endeavor, but other times I experience the uncomfortable feeling of regret.  I may find myself regretting some decision I made, or I may regret the way I treated people who are long gone. In either case, I’m stuck. I can’t change anything from the past, and that leads me to another feeling. I remember clearly who I actually was in the past….when I was younger…and I miss that person. I wonder why I did not appreciate who I was when I was clearly a “young” person. Did I not understand that time was fleeting, and I should make the most of every day?  Did I not fully grasp that I had my “whole life ahead of me” and I should be grateful for that very fact?  No, I did not.  It is only now…these many years later that I look back longingly and find myself falling into the depressing mindset that “those were the good old days”.  Those days will never return and there is simply no way to alter that fact.  Added to this, aging can be difficult, because at some point we all have to reconcile with the reality that there are fewer days ahead of us than there are days behind us.  It’s a sobering thought.

I’ve recently found a way out of the “depressing” mindset that the reality of aging can sometimes put me in. If I project myself forward 10, 15, or 20 years (god willing) I wonder what I will be saying to myself about my seventy something year old version of me.  I suspect that I will be saying the exact same thing to to my seventy something self that I said to my 25 year old self when I was in my seventies.  I will wonder why I did not appreciate being in my seventies more.  Why did I wallow so much in regret?  Why did I long for bygone days?  Such a waste.

These days my new mantra is:  “these are the good old days”…. right here and right now.  Now more than ever, its important to savor, appreciate, and live life to its fullest. 

I recently had a talk with a good friend of mine who is recently widowed, in her mid eighties, and learning to live on her own for the first time in sixty years. She does not deny her grief, but she also does not allow it to stop her from living life to its fullest. Grief is a part of life…something we must all come to terms with at some point.  It is also a testament to the importance of our relationships…part of the relationship package if you will.

My friend told me that the best piece of advice she got about “moving on” after losing her husband was to say “yes” whenever a new opportunity presented itself. 

I take this in a broader sense to say….”Say yes to life!!” Everything you say “yes” too will not excite and delight you…. but some experiences will be unforgettable, and you would have missed them if you said no.

So say yes, yes, yes…..cause these are the good old days!

I grew up in a very academically competitive environment. As a professor’s daughter living in the area around a highly regarded University, the assumption was that I too would excel in all of my academic studies. I wanted too…but I couldn’t and I had very low self-esteem as a result. “What’s wrong with me?”, I would ask myself. “I guess I’m just not good enough” was the conclusion I reached.

I feel very differently about my plight as a young person as I look back on it now. In the fullness of time I have been a teacher, a mother, and a therapist. I know what I value in people I have known over the years.  I know what it is I miss if they pass on, or somehow are not a part of my life anymore. 

Contrary to my core beliefs as a young person, who always looked to people who were “smart”, “witty”, and good at verbal sparring,  I no longer automatically revere people who “know stuff”.  I no longer look exclusively to these folks to help me understand the world or solve my own personal issues. Over the years I have noticed that I did not always end up feeling good about myself, if I used “smart” people as my source.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m definitely intellectually curious, and I’m infinitely grateful for the scientists and researchers who are committed to healing mankind. We need these folks. I love to read the books, hear about discoveries, or listen to talks. I do admire intellect…. but it is not necessarily healing and inspiring for me.

As I reach the third act of my life however, and review all of the memories of the people who have been important to me, I think of the phrase “Its not what you know, its who you are”

I think this is what really matters in the end.

Its awesome if you know things, study things, and are able to contribute to the human knowledge base, but if you don’t communicate and connect with people, as well as listen to them, and show respect for who they are, I’m not much interested in having a relationship with you. 

I’m “over it, when it comes to being “impressed “ (read” intimidated”) with people, or when it comes to trying to “impress” people. That’s in my past. Nowadays I hope I can strive to be the kind of person who people remember and want to be around because of who I am…not because of what I know.

I have often referred to the importance of “deep listening” when it comes to interpersonal communication. This involves a conscious effort on the part of the “listener” to focus on what is being said in order to understand its true meaning. In furtherance of this goal, it can be very effective, as the “listener”, to actually repeat back what you think you heard, to make sure you got it right.  This is the essence of “reflective listening” and it is a very powerful tool in communication.

What about the relationship we have with ourselves?  We are all living within a “body” and this “body” is constantly talking to us about how we are feeling as well as how we can best survive in the external world. Through our senses, for example, we know when we are too cold or too hot.  We also have bodily sensations that communicate to us when there is “danger” out there in the outside world.  Our nervous systems are organized to mobilize us quickly when we need to get out of a dangerous situation, or to “freeze” when this might be the safest response.

Problems sometimes arise for us, when we find ourselves “ignoring” or “minimizing” the signals we are getting from our bodies. It might be inconvenient to eat right now, so we are able to “convince” ourselves that we can wait.  We are not “really” hungry, we tell ourselves. The mind can be a very powerful force, and it can override communications coming from the body.  For people with anorexia, for example, the mind finds a way to “turn off” hunger signals, thus depriving the body of needed fuel.

In our modern world, I would argue, there are many distractions that engage our brain so that sometimes we lose communication with our bodies.  At times we may lose the body/mind connection altogether…almost forgetting we have a body until the symptoms are simply too intense to ignore.

The ability to actually “feel deeply” what is going on in our bodies is called “interoception”.   Interoception can be conceptualized as the ability of the mind to “listen deeply” to what the body is trying to communicate.  This is a skill we all have the ability to develop if we learn the simple practice of a “body scan” meditation. 

Body scan meditations are a guided meditation practice used often in conjunction with Zen meditation, although they can also be employed as a “stand alone” practice. Basically, Body scans involve lying down in a very relaxed pose and having a voice guide you through focusing on one body part at a time, and just focusing on that body part.  You ask yourself “  “How does this body part feel?”  Is there a tension, an ache, an itch.”?  Amazingly, our kinesthetic sense can actually “feel into” each body part.  Closing your eyes can make the focus easier.

In this kind of meditation, we are actually training the mind to pay attention to the body.  We are building a bridge between mind and body that then exists within our nervous systems…. even when we are not meditating.

The key is to practice, practice, and practice.  Just look on YouTube to find the body scan that works for you.  Over time you will build the ability to focus on issues with your body in time to actually attend to these issues. 

Have you ever heard of your Vagus nerve? If not, you are not alone. So let me introduce you to an essential part of your Central Nervous System. The vagus nerve is the longest nerve in the human central nervous system.  It runs all the way from the base of the cranium to the digestive system and it is essentially an “autonomic” nerve in that it keeps essential functions operating such as heartbeat and breathing.  It is “involuntary” so these functions can proceed even when we are asleep or otherwise unconscious. 

The most important function of the vagus nerve is that is regulates such things as breathing and heartbeat during times of stress. If you think of the concept of “fight” or “flight”, it is the function of the vagus nerve to help marshal extra energy by increasing heartbeat, and sending the signal of “danger” to the brain.  This is important for survival.

The problem, in modern life is that the vagus nerve can get “stuck” in a hypervigalent “danger” mode, even when the danger has gone away. Or, even more insidiously, the brain registers “danger” when the danger is actually psychological or theoretical rather than real. This is one definition of chronic stress.  All of us know the feeling of anxiety and stress that affects our heartbeat and breathing…right?  At its worst, it can create a panic attack. We may think we are going to die, which creates more panic.

When the vagus nerve gets “stuck” in the activation mode, this means it is not able to sense that the danger has passed, or is not real. When the vagus nerve is functioning properly, it can “toggle” back and forth between danger and safety easily.  Heart rate will slow down, and breathing will become slow and steady.

As a result of stress in the modern world, many of us have vagus nerves that are constantly activated, and do not go back to the resting state. Even in sleep, some of us experience danger in our nightmares and we may wake up in a panic.

The good news is that all of us can teach our vagus nerves to calm down and bring us back into the resting state if we practice certain habits in our lives. Many of these habits are easy things, so think about incorporating them into your life.

1. LAUGHTER…You know how a good belly laugh is one of the best possible things to experience?  Friends you laugh with, or even a good comedy is literally great medicine for your nervous system
2. SINGING…If you are a person who sings in the shower, sings in the car, or sings in a choir this is wonderful for your central nervous system. It brings in oxygen and the vagus nerve loves this.
3. COLD WATER IMMERSION…. You may think its crazy when you see people who dive gleefully into cold water, but actually they are onto something.  The vagus nerve loves the stimulation of cold water…even just splashing cold water onto your face, or running ice along your arms and legs
4. DEEP BREATHING…. This is really good for overall health.  Learn some deep breathing techniques that allow more time for the exhale.
5. MEDITATION, YOGA, STRETCHING…All of these practices are great but may take a little more persistence and dedication.  Get started small, and pick one or two.

So, there you have it.  Good luck in your quest for a more resilient nervous system.

Mature couple talking together in sofa

We all know how it feels to truly and deeply “heard”. It’s a feeling best described as “you get me” and ‘you know where I’m coming from”. As a therapist I know I’m on the right track when a client feels listened to and “gotten” in this very deep way. I also know that that there are ways for all of us to become better “listeners” when it comes to all of our communications, but especially our most important communications with those who mean the most to us.  Good listening skills are essential for forming and maintaining relationships.  Here are a few tried and true listening strategies you can practice and perfect right now.

PRACTICE EMPATHIC ATTUNEMENT:  When I speak of the concept of “attunement”, you might imagine a piano that is perfectly “in tune”. If you play or listen to piano a lot you can tell the difference between a piano that is “in tune” as compared to one that is “out of tune” The notes in an “out of tune” piano are discordant or false in some way. They are not pleasant, and most importantly they are not “true” to how that note should sound.  When the piano is “in tune” the notes are true. They sound how they are supposed to sound. When you feel that someone is “attuned” to you as they listen, it is like you are playing a piano that is perfectly “tuned”. Your words make sense to your listener and you know this. You feel it. So, how is it you know and feel this with such certainty? How can we each be empathically attuned?

BE A LISTENER WHO LISTENS ATTENTIVELY. AND EXCLUSIVELY, TO THE SPEAKER

When we are speaking from our hearts to someone else and sharing some part of ourselves that may be vulnerable, its essential that we are received with compassion, understanding, and acceptance.  This kind of listening is “empathic” because it means listeners are taking the time to put themselves into your inner world and understand how it might feel to be you. They may not get it exactly right, but that’s ok. Clarification is always possible if your listener is really paying attention. The essential strategy to “practice if you are trying to be a good listener is the strategy of listening without interruption. This may seem obvious but in reality we often interrupt our “speaker” if we believe they are saying something wrong or something we disagree with. In couples work, interruptions are common when the “listener” feels unfairly attacked. In these cases, the listener is already planning a “rebuttal” and therefore not listening at all. Its difficult, but you have to save your rebuttal for later, when you are the talker.

PRACTICE REFLECTIVE LISTENING, AND ATTENTIVE EYE CONTACT

When I want to make sure I really understand what someone is telling me, I will often say something like “ What I heard is” (whatever it is). Did I get that right? This gives my speaker a chance to clarify and make sure I really get it right. I especially do this when I’m getting confused and I want to make sure I understand correctly. My speaker never seems offended by my asking for clarification.  It only makes your speaker feel more “heard”

MAKE SURE YOUR BODY LANGUAGE FEELS OPEN AND WELCOMING

We don’t always think about this a lot but our body language is also a communication about how much we are listening. When we are listening to someone and the environment is quiet and without distractions, it gives us a chance to “lean in” to our speaker, and demonstrate that nothing is more important than what they are telling me right now. I even had a client tell me once that the sight of of cell phone next to me on my desk demonstrated that I could be distracted. I put the cell phone out of sight from then on. 

So, here are some easy strategies to try right now. The results can be amazing!!