So, what exactly is a “healthy” boundary when it comes to our most important, sustaining personal relationships?   Here is a definition I like:

“A healthy boundary can be seen as the distance at which I can love and respect you simultaneous to loving, respecting, and accepting myself”.

Let me explain.

In all of our most important relationships, such as mother/child, intimate partner, sibling, or close friendship, there exists a certain tension. This “tension” can sometimes be framed in terms of a “power” dynamic wherein one “partner “ in the relationship may wield more power over the other. The less “powerful” partner can be seen as more “accommodating” to the wants and needs of the other.  The power dynamics between people are not so “black and white” as it might seem however, and the dynamics are not necessarily problematical. Perhaps an agreement has been reached   between two people where one partner is “in charge” of deciding where we go to dinner tonight, while the other partner decides which car we take to get there.  This would be a good example of   effective “power sharing”. Maybe the restaurant choice is more important to one partner, and the vehicle is more important to the other.

The notion of “personal boundaries’ with respect to “power sharing “in relationships is important because we each need to know clearly “who we are” and what values are most important to us. If we are going to be in a relationship we need to know how much of what we want and need in our lives is “negotiable” and how much is really not.  To cite a very trivial example, I might be willing to try a new restaurant that I don’t normally go to, but I’m not willing to go to a smoke infested dark and dingy sports bar with a bunch of rowdy sports fans.  Smoke filled bars are a “non starter” in my book so you will need to go without me.

I like the definition of healthy boundaries cited above because if I compromise my own values too much in order to be with you, or to “please” you, I will no longer respect myself. I’ve closed the distance between us in the sense that you now “have me” more of the time…. but I’ve begun to actually “lose me”.  If I do this too much of the time, I will begin to   resent you. Ironically, my resentment in this scenario is not fair to you.  You may say, “why didn’t you speak up?” and you would be correct in asking this.  In a very real sense, I am not respecting you if I don’t speak up about my needs and preferences.  Your partner cannot read your mind.

So, be clear.  Know what you want and don’t want in your relationships and speak up about it.  You may find yourself in the occasional “power struggle” where it is difficult to come to an agreement, but hang in there and stand your ground. You will ultimately simultaneously respect yourself, and get respect from the other person

When we are young and our lives stretch out before us with such great promise and possibility, the prospect of “old” age seems very far off and irrelevant. We may scoff at the idea of “saving” for our retirement, and we often avoid the subject of the inevitable “demise” of all living things.  Why dwell on such depressing things? 

At some point, however, and it varies from person to person, it dawns on us that we are no longer “young”.  In that moment of truth we realize that there is more life behind us than ahead of us….and that’s just the “best case” scenario…right?

Now that I have myself reached the “dawn” of that inevitable realization at the “no longer young” age of 72, I’ve grappled with  many feelings about this .I thought I’d share how I have come to a place of peace and reconciliation. (at least most of the time) Maybe this can help some of you when you feel “no longer young”

I think what affects most of us as we age, is the proliferation of “loss” that is now so much of our everyday lives.  We lose the youthful body and energy that we came to depend on earlier in our lives.  We lose our older family members and friends, and then we also lose our own contemporary friends and family members. We may lose, or retire from the job that once defined us. At some point we lose autonomy as we find we need to depend on others to take care of our every need.  It’s a lot, and it’s easy to slide into a feeling of despair as this “runaway train” just keeps accelerating down the track.

However, though my conversations with friends and family members who are in fact older than me and yet seem to be happy, vital, and engaged…. I have learned a few things. These are things that have breathed new life into my aging process.

The first is that, by the act of focusing on the “scary” future of even older age, and becoming worried anxious and depressed about it, I’m “robbing” myself of the “now” which is actually the most “free” time I have ever been in. Many experiences are open to me now that simply were not possible before. I’m in fact having a great time with many fewer responsibilities. When I tell myself that my 85-year-old self will regret that my 72-year-old self did not appreciate the fullness of her life at 72 I realize that I should focus on gratitude.  Gratitude has never been more important than it is right now. I wish I’d been more grateful at 25, but that ship has sailed.

The other thing I have learned from talking to contented and satisfied older (than me) people, is that having experiences of great “awe”, such as the magnificence of nature, or the wonder of the night sky”, can put you in a place of “transcendence” where you can truly see yourself as a small part of a much larger whole. I can imagine there might be something after I die, even if it is not my present “I” that experiences it. Somehow, this gives me comfort, ease, and acceptance for what it is I am, and all that I have in my world. It just feels right, and I would not have it any other way.

A common practice as the New Year approaches is the listing of “new year’s resolutions”.  I myself have engaged in this practice in previous years, but I’m not doing that this year.  At least I’m not doing it in the same way as before. This year I’m “flipping the script” a bit, because I’ve found that focusing so intently on how I need to “improve” myself either thru lifestyle choices or some other personal behavior, I’m setting myself up for failure from the “get go”.  Why is this?

I think its because the process of New Year’s resolutions is, by its very nature, an “ I’m not good enough” mindset. Think about it.  I’m already starting from a place of deficit and this only feeds all of my insecurities.  The result for me in the past has been downward spiral of negativity. As the New Year begins I’m already feeling inadequate and I tend to create for myself the exact conditions for proving this belief about myself to myself and to the world at large.  This is the essence of “self sabotage”

This year, what I’m going to do instead of New Years resolutions, is a much more in depth and balanced “review” or “debrief” of my life in the past year.  What has gone right?  What can I be proud of? Where are the areas of my life where I can do better?  Starting with the positive is extremely important, because it puts   the complete picture of me into a reasonable perspective.  Beginning with a positive and “growth” oriented sense of myself is crucial because I need the “fuel” of positivity in order to believe in myself and push forward to constantly create a better version of “me”.  Making changes is hard and feels risky at times.  The question that comes up is always….” what if I can’t do it?  What then?  Well, if you “can’t do it”, maybe you try again, or maybe you revise the expectation you have of yourself.  You need the essential core belief of  “I am enough” to get through any kind of change.

So, this year I urge you to do a balanced “life review” instead of New Years resolutions.  In the AA community they talk about doing a “fearless inventory” as a part of the 12-step process of recovery from substance abuse.  I love this idea because it means we can be honest and transparent with ourselves when assessing our shortcomings…. but I believe the fearless inventory should come after shoring ourselves up internally with positive feelings about ourselves. If, at the core, we can believe we are good, caring, people…we don’t have to “fear” those darker, “shadowy” parts of ourselves.  They are not “all” of us, only a “part” of who we are.  We can bring them into the light and embrace our truer, and fuller “self”.

It’s a worthwhile exercise, so take your time with it.

Happy New Year!!

I recently recalled something from my childhood that had been buried in my subconscious for many years.  It is my belief that old memories resurface for a reason, so I always pay attention to them.  In this case, the memory that resurfaced was something my mom used to say to me whenever I ran into conflict with a friend, a teacher, or some other authority figure in my life. Specifically, if I complained to my mother that I had been “wronged” in some way, she would say: “You need to look to yourself and see what you have done wrong”.  She was my mother so I believed her and always felt I was at fault completely in conflict situations. From this belief flowed the belief that I’m essentially not as good as other people…and this belief became the core of my low self esteem and lack of confidence.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m all for taking responsibility for my part when I have an issue with someone or some institution.  Blaming someone else for something you have done is in fact one of my “pet peeves”.  However, it’s also not useful to always take all of the blame, when some portion does not belong to you.  A good example of this would be in the case of an auto accident when both parties share a percentage of the blame in many cases.

The memory of my mother and her “look to yourself” refrain, led me to the insight that I’ve limited myself in various ways over my lifetime just because I don’t always believe in myself or trust myself when others challenge me.  I have become risk averse and have expended unnecessary energy “second guessing” my decisions. I have given away power to people and then resented them for it.None of this is healthy, so I’ve made the decision to turn it around.

So, here’s the thing:

Neuroscience has taught us that there is a concept called “neuroplasticity”, which means that our brains are very powerful, and we can intentionally change a toxic core belief.  The trick is to figure out what that toxic core belief is. We do this by inviting an inner dialog during times of quiet contemplation. Ask yourself why you are so afraid to try something new, or why you believe you can’t master something. Who first told you this, or why did you make this assumption?  

If you want to change the core belief, find a statement that contradicts it, (sometimes referred to as an affirmation), and reprogram your mind by repeating this new statement over and over internally. Gradually the old belief will dissolve, as it cannot coexist with the new belief. 

Don’t be discouraged if a toxic belief is hard to dislodge.  This belief has been wired into your neurotransmitters for many years in some cases. 

Be persistent. Be patient. You are way more powerful than you might think

I’m hearing more and more these days from friends, mental health professionals, and my own psychotherapy clients, that there is an epidemic of “Hope Fatigue” sweeping over this country.  

What Is “Hope Fatigue”?

The most basic definition I could find is the following:  “Hope fatigue is the feeling of fatigue that results from an unrelenting flood of upsetting news you feel powerless against”.

It makes sense.  Over the past two years there have been a number of developments, such as the overturning of Roe vs Wade, a pandemic that just doesn’t go away, and more senseless gun violence, that have overwhelmed us all.  Simply put, we are all exhausted and suffering from a deficit of optimism in our lives. Unfortunately our nervous systems are not built to handle all this and sometimes we just “shut down” and want to “give up.  We are “tapped out”, unmotivated, and unable to find meaning and purpose in our lives. 

What is the answer?

I’d like to suggest that the answer is not to commiserate endlessly with people who feel the same way we do. It’s not productive, and just feeds and amplifies the negative way we already feel.  None of this is helpful. Instead, I think there are a number of things we can do to actually feel better and more hopeful.

Consider a few helpful ideas to build optimism and hope in your life.

My first idea actually comes from the teachings of the Alcoholics Anonymous. In AA, the meetings often begin with a very simple statement known as the Serenity Prayer. Although the concept of “God” is referenced, this does not mean you have to believe in god.  Rather, think of it as your “higher power”, if that feels more in alignment with your worldview.  The serenity prayer reads as follows:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference

The serenity prayer is a good place to start because is cautions us to take a good look at the parts of our life we do have control over right now, and focus on those things in order to feel more hopeful. Of course, we also need to know the things we  actually can change, so here is where the “wisdom” comes in

Once you have truly contemplated the meaning of this simple serenity “statement”, you can focus intentionally on this very moment, and discover that your personal feeling of well-being is in your control.  Take a walk in nature, and notice all the sights, sounds and smells.  This activity brings you into the “here and now” and can brings joy and gratitude into your life.  This will feed your optimism

A third practice that can increase your feeling of well being and optimism is to take a break from the news of the world, and concentrate more on your world…your private orbit of activities.  Do something you love, and hang out with people you love.  When you hang out with people…do some  “play” activities.

Remind yourself daily of the importance of these relationships. In the end this is what really counts in life

Last but not least…be gentle with yourself.  Remind yourself of your many successes and how often in life, something that initially feels “negative” or uncomfortable in some way, turned out to be a “blessing in disguise”.

The difficult stuff in life will always be there, and we will have feelings that come and go like the weather about these things, but we do not have to live in despair with the constant suffering that goes along with it.

So, enjoy yourself.  Let go and have fun

As we emerge out of “hiding” after the pandemic, many people report feeling lonely and “unconnected” to the “in person” social environment.  During the worst of our collective quarantine, the use of social media and other video platforms meant that we could still be in touch with one another…but somehow it just wasn’t the same. Research actually backs this up and it is especially evident with our school-aged children who have had more than a year of social development “stolen” from them.  It makes sense. As human beings we are social creatures and this need for social contact is wired into our nervous system. Simply put, feelings of connection and “belonging” to one other person or to a larger community of people, depend on us being physically present with one another…at least some of the time.

So, how do we start the process of reconnecting when we are out of  “practice”? We may think that social engagement should be easy and intuitive, but the truth is it takes practice. You have to get “out there” and build up your social engagement muscles once again. 

Here are some tips:

• Start reconnecting with people slowly…one on one or in small groups
• Focus on your listening skills, rather that talking exclusively about yourself. What most people crave is that listening and non-judgmental ear. You will find that the opportunity to speak about yourself occurs naturally when you make space for your companion.
• Remember that no one really enjoys listening to a “complainer”.  Again, if you are asked how you are doing…you don’t need to be inauthentic and pretend everything is fine. You also don’t need to “lead off” a conversation with complaints.  Try to achieve a balance of “positivity” in your interchanges.
• When listening to another person, avoid the habit of interrupting them. You may feel that you have a personal story that connects and you want to share your story.  But just wait…. give space.
• Last but not least, it’s such a good idea to verbally express appreciation for being in the presence of this person or these people. It feels good to be appreciated and this will enhance your connection. 

If you are thinking of re entering the dating world, but have not been too connected to anyone lately, it makes sense to hone your “friendship building” skills first.  Maybe one of your “friendships” will blossom into something else…maybe not…but you still have a new friend.

The term “gaslighting” has recently entered the lexicon for many of us….both in the “relationship help” field and in the larger world.  What does this really mean though? How does gaslighting actually show up in our close relationships?

According to Web MD, “gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in relationships.  It happens when one person convinces their “target” that they are remembering things wrong, or they are misinterpreting events. The gaslighter is trying to manipulate the other person into accepting his (the gaslighters) version of events as the “truth”. 

In the most extreme of cases, gaslighting is a part of domestic abuse, and there is often also physical abuse . In these cases, the victims’ life is completely controlled and dominated by the perpetrator of the abuse. We can all easily spot this kind of emotional/physical abuse.

What about the more subtle cases of gaslighting though? How can we know that we have become subjected to gaslighting when the relationship feels mostly just “fine” What happens when we feel truly loved and cherished and our relationship looks great from the outside as well? 

Could gaslighting be happening in some of these seemingly “solid” relationships?

ABSOLUTELY!!

Here are some warning signs to look out for… in your relationship and in others:

If you are finding that you are “doubting” yourself these days more than you used to, this is a sign that your partner may have led you to a gradual questioning your own reality.  The key here is the word “gradual” This process does not happen all at once, and in fact it is most effective when a high degree of trust has been established. This can be very confusing because you may feel very loved by the same person who is gaslighting you.  In fact the one reality you do not doubt is that your partner loves you. They must have your best interests at heart….right?

If your friends notice that you don’t seem to have any of your own ideas anymore, this is a sign that you are being “gaslit.  If you are finding it uncomfortable to be around the close friends and family who loved you before you met your partner, PAY ATTENTION TO THIS.  Resist the temptation to dismiss the concerns of friends and family. Telling a “hard truth” to a friend is a sign of true friendship.

If you are finding that your self-esteem has diminished since you have been in this “exciting” new relationship, this is also a sign of gaslighting. You may find yourself depressed and anxious, and not understand why. Your relationship might be the reason.

So please, take time to carefully consider who you are now and how you feel about yourself.  Compare this to who you used to be. Begin to experiment with standing up for your point of view, even if that voice within you has become fainter and harder to hear. 

Your integrity and ownership of yourself is just too important to squander, so don’t stay in this relationship if you feel forced to give up your true and authentic self.

What does it mean to  “be brave”?  The definition according to Webster’s dictionary is the following: “Bravery is the quality or state of having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty.”

I bring this up in the wake of the heartbreaking mass murder of 19 children and two adults in Texas.  I think of how an organized group of   armed and “trained” law enforcement officials, aware of the carnage happening inside an elementary school, were apparently completely paralyzed with fear. Somehow, collectively, they were unable to rescue these nine and ten year old children.  This, in spite of the mission of Law enforcement to “serve and protect”. These law enforcement officials lacked the courage to do what needed to be done in this crisis. 

The conclusion I draw from this “botched” situation is that carrying a firearm is not what makes a person brave. In fact, I would argue that the firearm itself often serves as  a prop to hide behind. “Brandishing” a firearm is a performative “threat”, and a “show of power”, that is supposed to scare off anyone who dares to cross your path. Deploying that firearm bravely and strategically is another matter altogether.

So, lets take a look at the true heroes and heroines of that fateful day in Texas. How about the teacher who shielded her student and died in that effort?  How about the 10 year old child who had the presence of mind to smear her classmates blood all over herself in order to stay alive?  Or what about the parent who defied police orders and entered the school building in order to rescue her two children?  

These are people who had no training, no weapons, and no body armor, and yet they were instinctively able to   put their own lives at risk to save others.

So, what is the lesson to be learned here?  Is there a way to teach all of us how to summon within ourselves true courage in difficult and even life threatening situations? What can we do to enhance the possibility that we will find our own courage weather life throws us the literal “bullets” of gunfire, or a deadly pandemic?

The first step is, I believe, to admit that we are afraid in a threatening situation. I would argue that admitting the fear out loud is what allows true strategic problem solving to actually occur.  You are not wasting precious psychic energy trying hide your fear.  The trick becomes admitting fear, assessing risk, taking whatever precautions you can, and then doing that risky thing anyway 

Somehow the imperative for action has got to supersede the fear.

My fondest hope is that the call to address “mental health” will mean offering children, beginning at very young ages, a curriculum that weaves emotional intelligence, empathy, and conflict resolution, into all school subjects.  Added to this, if children have the ability to express feelings creatively and  “self reflection” is encouraged,  this will be the best preventative to physical and emotional violence I can imagine

Surely our tax dollars are better spent in teaching children “violence prevention” in these ways rather than hiring armed guards and turning schools into prisons.

This Mothers Day I’m celebrating and honoring an expanded sense of “mother” to include everyone who has “mothered” me over my lifetime…even people I have admired from afar. I realize that there are people who have influenced my growth and development in ways that they will never even know. But I know, and I want to pay tribute in some small way.

Here is a small sampling:

1. My biological mother who gave birth to me and fostered a love of learning 
2. My older sister to took over after the death of my mother and protected me
3. My therapist, who rescued me from despair, ushered me into adulthood and introduced me to my life’s work.
4. All of the teachers who inspired me with their knowledge and bore witness to my professional development.
5. My techno/social media coach who convinced me that I could actually master the brave new world of computers, videoconferencing, and blogging
6. All of my colleagues, sisters, and friends who share stories of their own struggles with adulthood as it unfolds, and listen to my stories
7. My father who did his best to “fill in” after the death of my mother
8. Mother Earth who provides my home
9. My daughters who keep me humble and “up to speed” on modern culture
10.  My husband to keeps me honest and accountable

If you are on this list and reading this now, you will know who you are.  I’d like to thank you now. Notice that you do not have to be “biologically” female to perform the “mothering” function.  Knowing and acknowledging this is part of my growth.

I encourage everyone to come up with a similar list.  Here is one more thought. As you contemplate the contribution of everyone who has mothered you through your journey, realize that none of us is perfect, including yourself, so think about doing some forgiving along the way. You can forgive, for example, when the attempts to help you have been clumsy or the timing has been “off”.  Forgiving in these instances is what allows the true gift to shine thorough, so you can now say:  “Ah, I see it now!  I see what you were trying to tell me, or show me”. 

What I just described above is my “forgiveness process.  I hope it works for you.

So…don’t leave out the forgiveness piece.

And if your ”mothers” are still in your life, acknowledge and thank them now. At some point it may well be too late

Last but not least, in whatever way you have been a “mothering” force in the world

Happy Mothers Day to You!!!