Many of us have some experience with the classic “break-up” conversation. The experience is often very difficult for the “break-up” initiator, as well as the receiver of the unwelcome information.  I bring this up as a familiar example of how communication can feel when we have something to say that is unexpected and/or shocking to the information receiver. Our “receiver” may take the “news” in ways that are problematical. They may, for example, have some kind of an emotional outburst, or they may retreat into a kind of a stony silence, or maybe anger comes our way.  

The Human Nervous System

All of the above mentioned “reactions” are examples of how the human nervous system behaves when it is confronted with an uncomfortable reality. As trauma experts have discovered through research in the field, the brain deals with any new information that threatens its basic safety and security by going temporarily “offline”.  In simple terms, this means that logical cognitive processes for assimilating and accepting new information are not available for a time.  In human terms, the experience is one of being overwhelmed and flooded with feelings of fear and anxiety. This is an understandable “threat” response that has its origins on the Savannah when human beings had to mobilize quickly to “fight” the threat or “flee” from it.  The modern equivalent of a tiger threatening to end your life might be your life companion abandoning you, or the delivery of a diagnosis of terminal illness. These are existential threats in the very same way as the tiger.

How To Communicate When The News May Feel Like an Existential Threat To The Person Receiving Information

First, you need to resist the impulse to quickly rush through something you need to say. You may tell yourself that its more “merciful” to take the band aid off quickly.  Its not.

Next, when at all possible, arrange plenty of “in person” time to have this difficult conversation. Text messages and voicemails are cold, impersonal, and cowardly.

Thirdly, start very gently introducing what you need to say. I think of it like the doctor who warns “this may hurt a little bit…. Or it may actually hurt a lot” Your information “receiver” needs time to prepare… even if its “seconds” of time

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, our voices are the best tool to provide clear understanding, respect and empathy for how the news might be received.  Speak slowly and clearly and maintain eye contact. Remember that our “receiver” might have gone “offline” and not really heard the words you said. Sometimes you may need to check this out.  “Did you hear what I said?” and “Stay with me” are words that can bring you into alignment with the emotional tone of the conversation.

Be Brave

Communicating with respect and empathy in emotionally charged situations, especially when we may be seen as the “inflictor of pain”, is not a fun experience. It takes the ability to tolerate feelings of guilt and/or the feeling that its unfair to have to absorb the anger coming your way. (we may, after all, feel very justified about breaking up but its not the right time to bring this up). 

Hopefully though, you will come through the experience having a new understanding of how it feels on both sides of difficult news. This may not be the only time in your life you need to do this.

On Valentines Day this year, I thought a lot about the concept of truly loving oneself.  I was reminded of my insecure non “self loving” childhood years, when I would be jealous of other girls in my class. The way I thought of it then was that these girls “thought they were so great”. In reality these girls possessed attributes that I wanted, such as athletic bodies, beautiful long hair, or even just the confidence to speak up in class.  I wanted these things and would deny my jealous feelings by accusing these girls of essentially thinking “too much of themselves”  

So, what was that about?  From the perspective of my older and wiser self, I can see that I reframed the narrative of self confident and attractive girls as being something bad…something I did not really want because it would mean I was vain and self serving. In truth, I believe now that the culture I grew up in also reinforced the idea that girls should “know their place”.  They should be humble and self deprecating. Yes, they could be “pretty”…but they certainly should not “admit” to being pretty. They should actually “ward off” compliments…even though the attractiveness feature was definitely a “plus” in the marketplace of popularity.

Wow…. what a load of rubbish!!  What I now believe is that my self esteem suffered greatly because I spent so much time feeling bitter and resentful that somehow I would never be one of those “popular” girls.  Maybe some of those girls were “mean” girls who would never give me the time of day, but I also think that a good proportion of them were genuinely self confident and self assured. I’m thinking that these self-confident girls just had “healthy self love” in a way that I didn’t and it probably made those girls “attractive” to be around. 

I now know that the foundation for all sustainable relationships is “love of self”. This love is rooted in a clear appraisal of who we are, including all of our vulnerabilities and imperfections.  We need to love the “whole package” in its unique presentation. Our “self appraisal” should always result in knowing our own worth…which is then the basis of reaching out to other people to share ourselves with them. We have something to offer, always, and we can be generous with our time and our other resources. 

Perhaps paradoxically, the more I have allowed myself to know my own value, the more I have to give and the more I am able to receive as well. It becomes like this never-ending circle of giving and receiving that grows and grows.

The circle of giving and receiving is to me the exact opposite of “selfishness”. It’s a situation where everybody involved “wins” because everyone has the opportunity to give and receive in equal measure.

Christmas 2021 did not go as planned for my family.  I’m quite sure I am not alone. For starters, winter storms prevented us from having the “White” Christmas we had been looking forward to at our mountain cabin.  Then, the “Omicron” variant invaded my home in the form of a positive test on Christmas day for my grown daughter. Our Christmas afternoon was spent on a Zoom call from my daughters’ basement quarantine as she spent the next five days in isolation. Yes….we were that family. On top of it all, it’s been a frantic search for rapid “home” covid tests, which are in short supply. I’m hoping to salvage some vestige of a holiday “in person” with my daughter, as soon as we can get a negative test.

I’m very humbled by this experience, and I’ve spent a good deal of time feeling depressed about it. As John Lennon  is famous for saying “Life is what happens when you’re making other plans”. How true that is. Generally speaking, I’m pretty good at finally accepting “what is”, and making the best of it…but this year in the course of finally accepting “what is” I noticed something else…something unexpected.

Unexpected gifts that are wrapped up in initial disappointment

As the days went on and my daughter continued with her quarantine, I became the chief cook who carefully prepared food trays that I left at the bottom of the stairs.  Yes, this is how it works. To my surprise, I discovered I enjoyed this daily task. My daughter, now 33 years old, appreciated my culinary efforts and this was rewarding because of my history with her.  You see, during the teenage years, due to a number of difficult power struggles between us….my daughter did not allow me to feed and nurture her in the way it was happening now. I felt constantly rejected by her. So, this new dynamic was healing for us both.  We did not talk about it.  We just felt it.

It is never too late to heal the mistakes, miscommunications, and wounds from the past

This is the lesson I take from this holiday of constant disappointment. As so often happens, my family did not get what we had been expecting but in the end I at least, got so much more. 

These are the “gifts” we should be always on the lookout for, I believe. It’s not the big stuff that we plan for, look forward to, and expect to happen.  It’s the small, unexpected, unsolicited moments of grace, love, and forgiveness that can take your breath away.

As 2022 rolls around, I wish that all of you could experience these moments…the ones you don’t see coming. Notice, savor, and treasure these moments. You never know when they will happen again.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! 

Dating these days is not for the “faint of heart”. Sure, we have an abundance of dating apps to choose from, so availability and choice is not really the issue. It’s just that the process itself is difficult. There are so many times when it just doesn’t work out. This is hard on the old “ego” which inevitably is sensitive to the “sting” of rejection. Its just not a comfortable feeling to either be “rejected” or to do the “rejecting”.

What to do?

Take heart, take a deep breath, and consider a few “tips” that will enhance the possibility of finally getting it “right” this time. Paying attention to these “tips” will not guarantee that nobody gets hurt, but it will streamline the process of finding the right “match” in terms of someone who is both right for you and ready for long-term commitment.

Do A “Readiness” assessment on your potential partner

Many people entering the dating market whether online or in person, tend to focus on their own “readiness” to date. This is important, of course, but it’s also essential to really assess the “readiness” of the person you may be meeting for the first time. So, as you enter into those early conversations, it makes sense to focus on the other person. When you have an “external” focus, and are curious about someone other than yourself, you can begin to get a deeper sense of who this person is. Do they “open up” easily to you? Are they really ready for a long-term commitment or is there “unfinished business” from previous relationships?

Listening…should be the goal of your interactions with someone new. Remember that words are easy. Almost everyone who signs up for a dating app knows the “right” words to say, but do a persons actions match their words?
Figuring this out means digging a little deeper!

Is your potential partner curious about you?
As you begin to dig a little deeper into understanding who you are with, notice if they are equally curious about you. This dating process is like a dance, with each of you taking the lead at different points in the conversations. Does this process feel like a dance with equal participation from both of you?

Last but not least, take your time
Anything worthwhile having is definitely worthwhile waiting for, so be patient…with yourself and with the process.

Close to forty years ago I experienced my first Thanksgiving and Christmas without my mother. I had given birth to my first child right when my mother was first diagnosed, so my very ill mother barely knew her grandchild. For me the grief was like a “double whammy” that year. First I was losing my mother, and secondly I was losing forever the possibility of a maternal grandmother for all children I might someday have…including the one I now had. I was inconsolable.

I bring this up because the holidays always hold a melancholy feeling for me, as well as a feeling for the “joy” of the season. My childhood Christmases were magical, so I have strived over the years to re create that magic for my children, and now grandchildren. But it’s undeniable. The joy is always tempered with the grief. It is a grief that catches me by surprise at unexpected times when emotion is high and feelings emerge from my unconscious.

Welcome Your Feelings…whatever they are
What I have learned over the years is that the place in our hearts where feelings reside does not discriminate between “good/happy” feelings, and “bad/uncomfortable” feelings. When your heart is “opened up” all the feelings spill over with the demand to be felt and acknowledged. It can feel overwhelming but in fact, it is quite survivable and even beautiful if you allow it to be. I’ve tried, every holiday season, to reflect upon the complicated feelings evoked by the season and this practice has served me well.

Here are some “tips” based upon my reflections:

• If you have experienced any “loss” in your life (and who of us haven’t?)”anticipate that some sad feelings will come up during the holiday season. For me, its memories of my mother and sister that arise, but it could be grandparents, siblings, or a beloved pet.
• Make time for reflection about people/pets you have lost. Share those reflections/memories with others
• Try not to get so “caught up” in crazy merriment that you leave no quiet and reflective times
• Above all, enjoy and remember the moments with the people you love whoever they are.

If there are folks you need to forgive or ask for forgiveness from, now is also the time to consider doing this.

There is no time like the present

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Jalaluddin Rumi

When I was in my fifties, I’d have conversations with friends, family members, and colleagues who were just entering their seventies.  I noticed that for many of them their own mortality was becoming very real. I’d listen of course, and do my best to empathize with them, but secretly I would be thinking: “Not me…when I reach my seventies it will be different”.  “I’m going to be vibrant, accepting, and full of gratitude for the “privilege” of attaining this milestone.

HA!!   Now that I’m 71 everything looks different to me.  It’s such a lesson in “you don’t know till you get there”. I too am now facing some very existential questions like “Who am I now?” “What is my purpose moving forward?’ I’m having trouble recognizing and valuing the “old” woman I now see in the mirror.  I’m aghast at the arrogance of my 50-year-old self to think I would not go through this.

What I have come to realize is that “ageism” has internalized within me.  I preach “self acceptance” all the time but in truth I have not fully accepted my own aging self.  I fight it.  I too try to appear “younger” and am flattered when people say, weather truthfully of not, “you don’t look your age”. Here is what I’ve discovered about how to reach a higher degree of self acceptance, and acceptance of the reality of my own “third act”:

Do A Life Review

As the decades fly by we often find ourselves forgetting all of our accomplishments, as well as all the experiences that led us to the place we are now. For me, it’s been really helpful to go back as far as I can remember and reflect upon the “turning points” that led me in one direction as opposed to another.  Through this exercise I’ve been able to acknowledge that I’ve surmounted some pretty big obstacles to be where I am now.  Now I can quietly celebrate myself as I remember this long journey.

It’s very affirming.

Reflect Upon Your Unfinished Business

In my life review, along with remembering all that led me to where I am now, I’m also remembering the things I kind of “let go” along the way. What about my ideas regarding learning guitar or beading?  For whatever reason, I let those things go. There are also friends and the desire for certain experiences that I “let go.” Now is the time to reclaim all of my “unlived” life.

Revisit The Possibility Of   A Spiritual Or Contemplative Practice

This can mean anything from formal religion to meditation to taking long walks in nature or gazing at the stars.  It means refining the “practice” of “being” rather than always “doing” something.  It means listening to beautiful music and/or doing anything that puts you in awe of the Universe and your place in it. 

In my view this practice can be the capstone of a life worth living. Its “zooming out” to a larger perspective and reaching a place of acceptance for all my life has been.

I’m working on this part, and I like to think I will be engaging in this practice up until the very end 

Recently a member of my extended family died. It was unexpected…at least by me. Truth be told, my relationship with this particular person has been rocky over the years so it is not surprising that I would not be the first person to get this news. However, it did surprise me that I experienced an enormous wave of regret when I realized I would never again lay eyes upon a person in whom I had invested so many strong emotions over the span of 30 years. That’s a long time for anyone to be “holding on tight” to feelings about being “badly treated” by somebody. Also, if I’m being honest, I had in recent months wondered if I should make an attempt to reach out in the spirit of “putting this whole mess to rest” in some way. Intellectually I knew that I had contributed to the impasse in this relationship. I also knew that it would be good for me to “own up” to my contribution and apologize for it…regardless of weather an apology was forthcoming from the other side. And yet…I resisted. I was able to convince myself of my righteous position as the “aggrieved party”

Everything looks and feels very different to me now. I now understand the concept of “finishing business” with people while they are still alive…if you have the opportunity to do so. It is common to hear that we should always remember to tell our loved ones that we love them because you actually never know…right? From my perspective now, I’m thinking it’s equally important to finish more complicated business with people with whom we have had more difficult times. It will save you from a more “complicated bereavement when they die.

I’m not saying its always possible, or even advisable, to reach out to people who have been obviously abusive and toxic to us. Sometimes its really better to cut people out of our lives completely .I have a few of those people as well.

This was not the case with the person I recently lost. There was room to find peace and reconciliation in this relationship. For many reasons, it would have to be my initiative that broke our stalemate. There was no risk of anything bad happening to me. Only good would have come for both of us. I wish I had reached out, and I will next time

Its difficult to live comfortably in the “hopefully soon to be” post pandemic era.  We are bombarded these days with mixed messages about what is going on with Public health no matter where we live, and this confusion affects every aspect of our lives.  “Who can we trust?”  “Who should we believe?”  When contemplating all of this, it occurred to me that we are currently all “called” to develop two key character traits as we navigate current circumstances.  We must have faith and we must have patience.

At the most basic level, the faith we are called to have right now is the faith that we will all is ok.  We will survive this challenging time…and maybe even learn to thrive. It’s an existential faith really, but where do we get it?  Where can we find it?

One way to call upon faith is though religious or spiritual practice.  That works well for some folks.  For others, developing faith might begin with a process of “remembering”…that is remembering what you can and do have faith in. Do you have faith in yourself for example, or do you have basic faith in your primary relationships or the ability of the sun to rise and set each day? Believing in all of these things is actually an act of “faith” so take time to remember the miracle of everyday life…every day.

Along with this…you might try gratitude, as this will strengthen your faith as you give thanks.

As for Patience, it can be challenging to be patient when you feel the ground literally shifting under your feet as you listen to the rules change about what you can and cannot do. It can make your head spin to try and keep up with it.

To develop patience, I would also suggest the practice of remembering. Try remembering all of the many things you have accomplished in your life and how it often takes time.  Remember the old adage, “All good things come to those who wait”.  Also, keep in mind that the ability to “wait” patiently for the results you seek, also referred to as the ability to “delay gratification”, is highly correlated with long term happiness, long life, and success.  Yes, it’s true. Studies bear this out.

So, take a moment. Remember all that you have faith in and focus on developing and expanding this faith. Then, be patient with your world, and be patient with yourself.  Give thanks for all of your blessings and dream confidently of better days ahead.

When we are surrounded with quality relationships, we live longer and happier lives.  What is sometimes overlooked though, is that we must also strive to have a healthy relationship with ourselves.  How do you feel about yourself?  Do you like the way you show up in the world?  Do you like who you are becoming on this wild and crazy ride called life? Are you “growing” or are you “stagnating” on your journey? 

It many sound trite, but it is also true that if you don’t like yourself, you are making it harder for others to like, and want to be around you.

We hear a lot, I believe, about people who “don’t live up to their potential”.  Maybe this was how you were viewed. The question then becomes, “What is my potential?”  “Who gets to determine this, and how do I know when I get there?” These are all thorny and complicated questions to be sure, and can only be answered when you spend some time discovering your true and “authentic” self. Only then can you set out goals for yourself and do your best to reach those goals.  

It becomes a problem, I think, when you have expectations for yourself that are unrealistically high, and/or too informed by others who constantly tell you they expect “great things” from you.  This is where the concept of perfectionism comes in. “Perfectionistic” thinking means that everything you do must be “perfect”, and that anything “less” than perfect is, by definition, not “good enough”.  Of course, nothing is ever perfect so it becomes a set up for never feeling that you are good enough…at anything you do.  Also, if you have “internalized” an inner “critic” that is constantly judging and comparing yourself to others, you can end up feeling quite depressed, hopeless, and anxious.  It is a very high cost to pay.

So…how can we deal with our “inner critic” and perfectionistic thinking?

A good place to start would be to change your relationship to the concept of failure.  If you start a project and it doesn’t work the way you had hoped, have some patience with yourself, and make an assessment of how to do it differently next time. Expect failure as an important part of learning.  Try again.

As a bonus of learning to expect failure, you will find yourself trying new things that you would not have tried before. Often Perfectionistic people restrict their activities to things they “know they are good at”, and therefore cut themselves off from enriching and fun experiences.

When you take the requirement of “perfectionism off of the table for doing things with others, you will also find you have more harmonious relationships.  This is because you don’t have to be the “best” at everything.  You can let others “win” sometimes and be ok with that. You can even celebrate with them .You can, in fact, strive to be more like someone you admire.  

So…let yourself off that “perfectionistic” hook.  Concentrate instead on the experience of doing whatever it is you are doing. Enjoy yourself and enjoy being with others in a truly happy state of mind. 

Perhaps the most important part of re-emerging from our “caves” now that the pandemic restrictions are lifting is reconnecting with friends and family. Many people have commented to me in recent weeks that they have come to a new understanding of the importance of relationships in their lives. Yes…. we can maintain our connections through our devices, but its not the same. We need the touch and the feel of others in our lives. We need the “in person” “relational field” if you will.

But what about the people in our lives who have “wronged” us in one way or another? What about the ex spouse who betrayed us, or the friend who let us down and hurt us deeply? In short…what do we do with people who we just “‘can’t forgive” In our own minds we may be thinking that what has been done to us is just “unforgiveable”. We may also believe that if we forgive it means we are agreeing to “forget”. (Hence the old adage “forgive and forget”) We don’t want to forget because it leaves us vulnerable and lets the other person “off the hook”. Ironically, the other “party” may not feel “on the hook” at all. This is all in our mind a good deal of the time

I’d like to suggest that a far better strategy for letting go of all the hurt and resentment we may be feeling about another person who has hurt us is to “forgive and remember.” Regardless of whether you ever want to see this person again, the “forgiveness “ is within us. It’s an active internal process which involves doing a clear eyed and honest inventory of what actually happened and then making a conscious decision to “let go” all of the anger and resentment that is so unhealthy for us in so many ways.

Here are some steps you can take to facilitate this process:

1. Take some time to remember exactly what happened in as much detail as you can. If you are still holding a lot of anger, try to move to a more neutral perspective where you can ask yourself: Did I contribute in any way, large or small, to “co-creating” this situation? By “contributing”, this might even mean sticking around for the abuse, or being in denial about warning signs.
2. If you are able to identify your “contribution” forgive yourself for whatever part you played. Have empathy for yourself for whatever you might have done to “land yourself” in this spot
3. Once you can “forgive” yourself it becomes easier to forgive the other person involved. Perhaps you can find some empathy for this person and begin to understand their “side” of this story.
4. Congratulate yourself for the strength of character it took to go through this process. Now you can feel in an empowered position where you can make a decision. Do I want this person in my life? Do I want this person to occupy space in my psyche? Its up to you. This person could be absolutely despicable and “toxic” to you on every level. But still…have you learned something? That in itself is valuable, so focus on that…rather than the person.

One final caveat to keep in mind: It never works to make your forgiveness contingent on the other person’s apology. (You may think they “owe you” an apology”) For one thing, they may never feel they need to apologize. For another thing, this means you are giving the other person power over your timing and your process. Take your power back.

So, come out of your cave. Embrace everyone you love. And maybe, just maybe this can also be the time to take a look at unresolved relationships from the past. You have the power to achieve resolution.