Refining Your Empathic Listening Skills

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In a previous blog, I mentioned the importance of listening with empathy in order to achieve true “inside” understanding of how another person experiences the world. “Practice makes perfect” definitely applies to building your skill level, but I thought I’d provide some additional “tips” to maximize your learning curve.

KNOW YOURSELF:  It can be difficult to listen to someone when the emotional intensity is high and you find yourself overwhelmed by content. The truth is that each of us is different in terms of how well we can process someone else’s emotional pain. So, it’s important to know your “limits” and also what particular information might “trigger” you because you might have experienced something similar. In this sense, “self care” is important. Be mindful of your emotional vulnerabilities and remember the adage about “putting your own oxygen mask on first” before trying to help someone else. In this case your “oxygen mask” just means checking in with yourself about how you are doing.

ADOPT A CURIOUS AND OPEN STATE OF MIND:  It is nearly impossible for any of us to listen to someone without bringing our own set of assumptions and possible biases into the mix. As much as possible, its important not to let these assumptions and biases affect your ability to empathize. So, stay curious and remember…this person is not you. If you truly don’t “get” what’s   going on with someone. . don’t worry.  What’s important is that you “get” what they are feeling, and you are willing to be present with them as they feel it.

BE WILLING TO BE WRONG ABOUT HOW YOU SEE SOMETHING 

Often when we think that we really “do” understand what someone is going through, we feel compelled to offer some “advice” about what they should do. The truth is though, you may be right…but you could be wrong. Be sure you offer your “advice” as a “hypothesis” rather than a “conclusion”, if indeed advice is what is desired. Check this out too.  If you do give your thoughts and you are not “hitting the mark” let the other person “correct” you, and you will both grow in understanding.

WATCH OUT FOR BURNOUT, PACE YOURSELF, AND FEED YOUR OWN EMOTIONAL LIFE

Those of us in the “helping” professions know all too well, how important it is for us to replenish our own emotional life so that we have enough to give to others. The best thing you can do in this regard is to engage in creative activities that bring you joy, satisfaction, and the ability to express yourself. This is not “selfishness” as some of us have been led to believe…but is instead quite the opposite in that you are allowing others to become the beneficiaries of your overflow as you convey hope, joy, and optimism to all you come into contact with. Positive feelings, after all, are very contagious. And it’s the best kind of contagion there is.

Listening With Empathy

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In an earlier blog, I spoke of the vital importance of listening deeply in order to achieve deep understanding of how another person might feel. So….how does listening help us to understand?  The answer is empathy. The ability to empathize is key to truly “getting” another person.

So…what exactly is empathy? 

Social science researchers who study “emotion” generally agree that empathy means the ability to sense and identify correctly the emotions of others, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling.  I love this definition because it goes deeper than just “sensing” how someone else might feel, and leads the listener into the imaginative exercise of entering into another persons’ inner world to appreciate how the world might look and feel inside that person.  This exercise creates the “felt” sense of emotional connection between speaker and listener, and becomes the foundation for a lasting and sustaining relationship. 

Can empathy be taught and learned?

Yes! Empathy is one of the most important skills that make up “emotional intelligence”.  It turns out that success in life has at least as much to do with good Emotional Intelligence as it does with our intellect. The good news is that just practicing careful “open” listening and allowing your imagination to wonder how another person might feel actually builds the emotional “muscle” to really create that understanding.  In addition to this…you can check out with the person you are trying to understand to see if you “got it right”.  You need only “hypothesize” about how you think it “might” feel and check out this hypothesis. The truth is that when someone cares enough to try and understand us, we are often happy to clarify our feelings. As an added bonus to the speaker, we begin to understand ourselves better when we describe a feeling to someone else. We are in fact “clarifying” our own feelings to ourselves.

And always…Be Present

The building of an “empathic bond” between two people in relationship is only possible when both people are fully “present” to each other. This means each speaker is making a conscious effort to set aside all other concerns and distractions and is devoting the time and attention to the understanding of his/her partner, friend, or family member. Take the time that it takes and be in the right “headspace” to receive.

What About When Feelings Expressed Are Intense or Frightening?

Understanding does not always come easily in our conversations with others especially when we hear things that may seem unfamiliar, frightening, or intense. If you are patient though, you will find that when another person is able to name how they feel, it’s the first step to taming how they feel. It may take awhile for your “speaker’ to arrive at the exact nature of the feelings because often there are feelings covering up other feelings. 

Stick With It…. It’s Well Worth the effort

The investment of time spent gaining a full understanding of the inner life of a person you care about, will pay off for you…. sometimes in the form of a lifelong friendship…or sometimes in the form of your life partner. Either way…you win

“Listening” To One Another During Challenging Times

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Interpersonal conflict happens on many levels in our world.  We might find ourselves at “odds” with an intimate partner, or we might feel some distress at the conflict that arises between groups of people. Either way the feeling is much the same, I believe. Fueling the conflict is the longing to be seen, understood, and accepted, and this longing is universally human. What happens is that the more vulnerable feelings of  “invisibility” are overlaid with frustration, and anger.  It makes sense, I think.  The longer we have to hide our deeper and more vulnerable feelings, the more time there is for the anger to build. Although the emotion of “anger” is often considered psychologically to be a “secondary” emotion, when it has been building for a long time it feels very “primal”, intense, and necessary to express. How can this expression be done “safely” and effectively though? How can we discover what lies beneath and begin to heal others and ourselves?

LISTENING WITH THE GOAL OF TRUE UNDERSTANDING

It may seem obvious and trite to say this, but it bears repeating to acknowledge that many of our conversations in daily life consist of two or more people talking past each other in order to get a point across. In early sessions with couples I see this kind of “no communication” communication, happen all the time. Voices escalate louder and louder with the misguided notion that more volume means you will be heard better. There is no true “listening” going on at all here and the anger and frustration increase. The session becomes emotionally unsafe at worst, or at the very least unproductive. In contrast to this, if a conversation begins with the goal that we want to really UNDERSTAND one another, it’s going to take much longer but be way more effective. First of all though, everyone needs to slow way way down.

SLOW DOWN YOUR CONVERSATION AND TALK ONE AT A TIME

I’m sure we all remember the teacher in elementary school who said, “Please raise your hand and I’ll call on you so we are speaking “one at a time”. It’s much the same in a productive conversation. Ideally, you have one “talker” at a time, and at least one listener at a time. If you are the one talking, and you feel that someone is truly attentive to you, you are much less likely to become actively “angry” even if you feel angry.  You can talk about your anger without being “in” it, because you have the space and time to express the feeling to someone who is listening.

YOUR JOB AS A LISTENER

The job of a listener is to focus only on what is being said, not interrupt, and then ask questions to clarify your understanding.  It can be very helpful to reflect back what you think you heard, and make sure you got it right. When your talker believes you really got it, you can switch roles, so that you are the “talker”.  You will get back exactly what you gave…. the gift of feeling seen, heard, understood.

FEELING UNDERSTOOD IS STEP ONE TO RESOLVING THE CONFLICT

It would be naive of me to believe that a session of truly listening and attempting to understand one another is going to actually and miraculously “solve” any kind of human conflict…especially one that has been building for a considerable period of time.  It’s just the first step in what may be a long process. The step may need to be repeated many times…. before the problem solving can begin.

Try the method of slow and reflective listening on a friend, a partner, or your child. See how it feels when you have time to really get your thoughts out without interruption or defensive reaction. See if you can achieve that feeling, after having been understood that you really “matter” in this world. In my view it’s a feeling we all need, and deserve to have….as necessary I think as the air we breathe.

What Does It Really Mean To Be There For One Another?

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When a couple is in distress a common complaint from both partners is: “My partner is not really “there” for me the way I need them to be. The complaint is vague but strongly felt, so it is worthwhile to unpack what it really means. What is it exactly that is “lacking” when your partner is not there for you? Here are some ideas I have heard from many couples and individuals over the years, along with some thoughts about how address this issue:

When your partner is really “there” for you they understand you, appreciate you, and  “get” why you feel as you do. If this is not happening it probably means that the two of you are not communicating effectively. The key to effective communication is that you must listen very carefully and without interruption to what is being said, and then check to make sure you got it right.  This kind of reflective listening does not mean that you are listening in order to “solve” the problem, if there is one. You are only trying to understand. Understanding then becomes the bridge to finding empathy with your partner, and forming the trusting and equal “partnership” that will eventually lead to a solution. Often the solutions don’t come right away…so you need patience…with yourself and your partner.

Being there for each other has also been described to me by couples as a sense that your partner has your back in situations where you need an ally…you need someone who is truly on your “side”.  This does not mean couples always agree with each other about how they “see” a particular situation. In fact, sometimes it is helpful to consider another point of view. In the long run though, you, as a couple are a “united” front. In parenting situations the importance of the “united” front really plays out as the parents come to what could be a “compromise” in terms of how to handle children. The kids always benefit from the security of this united front. Other situations where you might need your partner to “have your back” would be in dealing with in-laws or friends where you may feel betrayed when your partner violates your privacy and trust and gives away sensitive information without your permission. (Hence the expression, “you did that behind my back”.”You did not protect me”)

Finally, the importance of physical presence to each other when you are a couple cannot be overstated.  We need each other physically, but also we need to be “available” to one another even when physical closeness is not possible. Giving the gift of our time, not to solve or minimize a problem, but just to listen deeply and without judgment is a practice, which is both healing and bonding.

Hopefully, this sheds some light on the complex dynamic of being there for one another. The practices that help us bond and attach securely and sustainably to each other are applicable in all relationships, from romantic to parental to our close friendships.

The Perks of “Dating” online

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Many aspects of our lives have been affected by recent “shelter in place” and quarantine directives.  Among the changes and adjustments we have had to make concern the world of “dating”.   Sure…. we’ve had online and mobile dating apps for a while.  What’s different now, though, is that there is an indefinite time between “meeting” someone new online and then following up by meeting them in person. Is this a good thing, or a bad thing?  

Actually, in some ways I think a prolonged period of getting to know someone “virtually”, can be a good thing. “Slowing down” the process of courtship may allow two people to get to know one another on a deeper more intimate level before the “chemistry” of attraction complicates things.  You may even find yourself feeling that its “safer” emotionally to be more vulnerable and “open” than you might allow yourself to be in person.  The key is to focus on really being your true self, rather than who you might like to be, or think you “should” be. 

IN OTHER WORDS, BE AUTHENTIC

Authenticity means being real, and maybe even flying your “freak flag” around a bit.

It means allowing yourself to be imperfect, and even humanly flawed.

It also means not covering up or changing anything about yourself, based on what you think might be “better” or more acceptable to the person you are talking to.

With prolonged “online” relationships, the stakes are not so high, and you are less likely to be hurt when things don’t work out. If you have not yet invested your “body” in a relationship, you can “let go” more easily.

OTHER ADVANTAGES TO MORE EXTENDED ONLINE DATING?

How about the fact that you can take a “deep dive” into being curious about this other person very early on in the relationship?  You can find out if they are really “right” for you as a lifelong romantic partner before you make the physical commitment.  Maybe this person is great as a “friend” but that’s as far as it will go…and that’s OK.  Maybe you will find yourself making an excellent lifelong friend.

There is nothing wrong with that.

TAKING IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL

If this turns out to be a relationship that holds promise for you both, there will come a time when you’ll meet in person. At this point you will have already become “friends” in a more emotionally intimate, committed sense. Starting a more romantic relationship as good friends is a great way to start.

Ironically, the pandemic which has forced so many of us to forgo physical connection for a time, may have something to teach us about how to have more secure physical/emotional relationships in the long run.

Overcoming Loneliness…Well Worth The Investment

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Why Relationships Are Important To Your Health

The latest AARP bulletin identifies  “loneliness” as a growing epidemic among our elder population.   During the holidays, when the emphasis is put so squarely on connecting with family and friends, its important to remember that not all of us are spending time in the safe and warm cocoon of these vital connections.  Research on physical and emotional “well being” and longevity strongly points to the importance of human relationships as the glue that holds us all together. This “glue” refers to our friendships, our families, and our most intimate romantic connections. Simply put…humans are “social” creatures from cradle to grave.  When we are deprived of close physical and emotional relationships, the body begins to shut down and there is a “failure to thrive” that is evident at a cellular level in humans.  Our immune systems are compromised and we may succumb to opportunistic infections and maladies.  

What Can Be Done To Combat Isolation in Others and Ourselves?

  • The first step is just simple awareness of feeling “alone” and isolated.  The definition of “loneliness” does not necessarily mean that you are always lonely when you are alone. The subjective “feeling” of loneliness is much more about feeling disconnected and misunderstood even when you are physically connected to another person. We are familiar with the concept of a “lonely” marriage for example.
  • If you find yourself consistently lonely weather or not you have people around you…start researching groups or locations where you might find like-minded people.  It could be anything…doesn’t matter.  If you’re finding it difficult to find your “tribe”…it might be because you have not spent enough time building a relationship with yourself.  Who are you? What do you like? What kinds of activities bring you joy and fulfillment? Begin slowly conversing with people as you engage in activities.  It gets easier and easier.
  •  Are there people from your past who you’ve lost touch with?  If so.. Spend some time rediscovering them.  In the process. You will rediscover yourself.
  •  Last but not least…offer yourself up as a volunteer with others who are lonely.  Volunteer in a Senior Center or Assisted care facility.  You will find it enormously rewarding.

Just remember…its never too late to nurture an active and fulfilling social life.  You won’t regret it

What Is Your Love Language?

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When I see a couple for the first time, I often ask each person separately, but within earshot of the other:  “What  do you want in this relationship that you are not now getting?” A common answer is, “I want to feel loved”, or “I want to feel as though we are in love”.  Maybe the feeling used to be there but has now gone, or maybe something is “missing” that each member of this couple longs for and has never quite arrived.

Upon further exploration with this generic couple, it becomes clear that each individual person has a unique way of giving and receiving love. From childhood we learned that love is shown to us through a unique combination of words, actions, and physical gestures, and these are the ways that we also learned to show that we love others.  Giving and receiving love are simply different sides of the same coin. In our original families we developed a Love language made up of these words, gestures, and actions that we all understood without having to specifically talk about it much.  If we were lucky enough to be well loved, the love just flowed.  It just happened.

Fast forward to finding a love partner, we all still long to be loved in the way that we once felt. Even if we did not get enough love in childhood, we hopefully at least got a taste of what we now want more of. Now though, we are with a new person.  This person developed a love language in their respective childhood that is different from ours. How can we find a common language of love with each other?  How can we become better attuned with what our partner needs and wants, while also getting our own needs met?

In his bestseller book,  “The Five Love Languages”, Gary Chapmen offers a solution to this problem by suggesting that there are five main ‘Love” languages in human relationships.  If we can discern which of these languages, or combination of languages, best fits our definition of giving and receiving love…. and if we can discern which languages work for our partner, we can move closer to speaking the same language.

Here are the five languages, very briefly stated.  See where you fit in.

  • Words of Affirmation:  You feel loved when loving; affirming, appreciative words are said to you.  Words are important
  • Acts of Service: It feels really good when your partner does nice things for you and in turn you like to do nice things, often without being asked
  • Receiving gifts:  You love giving and receiving gifts, large and small.  You like to give and receive in thoughtful and unexpected ways
  • Quality time:  Nothing is more important than giving quality time to one another.  This time is for the two of you only
  • Physical touch:  As humans we need this.  It does not need to be sexual, although this can be important.  It could simply be a warm hug.

So, back to our generic couple, lets suppose one member of this couple needs words of affirmation and love, loves to give these things, but has a harder time with the physical aspects of showing love.  Because this couple cares about one another, they will each listen to what the other person longs for, while also stating clearly their own needs.   The listening and caring creates the bridge that makes it possible to become more of what is needed for your partner, while your partner is also doing the same for you.  You and your partner are now becoming your own family, in a sense, and you are creating a new love language that is unique to you as a couple.  This is what will sustain you and create longevity and vitality in your relationship.

Finding a Secure, Resilient Relationship; Three keys to “Fixing Your Picker”

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All of us are familiar with the “Prince charming” myth. Basically, the story is that “somewhere out there” our perfect soul mate exists. Our only job is to “find” this ideal person, wherever they might be.

The reality is of course much different. Relationships fail, despite the way they begin, with such promise, such excitement, and such hope for a “happily ever after.” Unfortunately, the ripple effects of failed relationships extend far beyond the original people involved. Families break up. Children, in particular are traumatized.

But, what about the relationships that succeed? What about relationships that sustain, grow and deepen over long periods of time? What’s the key to this longevity? What can we learn?

It seems to me it’s got something to do with “picking” and “choosing” at the very outset of any relationship. How can you “know” that a relationship is right for you? How can you move beyond the initial excitement of attraction?

Here are some guidelines to help in your “discernment” process.

Three keys to fine tuning your “picker”

KNOW YOURSELF

Who are you? Begin a process of developing an honest inner dialog with yourself wherein you know how you are in relationship to others. Notice if you feel better when you have close and frequent contact with a partner, as opposed to more time to yourself. If you have an “attachment style” that dictates a need for more frequent contact, you might want to choose someone who more closely mirrors your style. Also…. what is your “love language”? Do you like a lot of physical contact? Do you thrive when you receive a lot of “words of affirmation” from a loved one?

GET TO KNOW YOUR PARTNER

Who is your partner? What can you find out about their “attachment style”? How does your partner prefer to show and be shown love? Answers to these questions can come through your “open ended” questions about previous relationships. Don’t hesitate to ask the important questions.

TAKE YOUR TIME WITH NEW RELATIONSHIPS. LET THEM EVOLVE

Above all, don’t be in a hurry. Experiment with spending longer times with a new relationship…including being with them 24/7…like on an extended vacation. This allows for opportunities to have leisurely conversations, and to see each other as you really are…not always as your best and most “polished” self. If you see “red flags…pay attention. There is way too much at stake to simply ignore these signs.

So, what can you expect if you follow these three steps, as outlined above?
Here is what I can tell you…what I know for sure:
There is no magic solution to finding a relationship that is uniquely suited for you. Like most things worthwhile in life, the results you seek take time, patience, faith, and perseverance. Be prepared to experience some “false starts”, and know that these too are a part of the process. Most of all, don’t give up hope. The reward for hanging in there is well worth the wait

Do I Have To Give Up ME to be with YOU?

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Entering into an intimate relationship can be a scary thing.
Consider what is at stake.
On the one hand, we are a social species. We are wired to desire connection with others, both physical and emotional. We are, by nature, interdependent

On the other hand, in some real sense, each of us is a universe unto ourselves. On an individual basis, we long to express ourselves in an authentic way. In pursuit of the expressing our true selves, we resist the pull of others we think are trying to control us.

So… entering into relationship means we are feeling the tension between being ourselves and merging with another. The central question is: “Where do I end, and you begin? How do I navigate those boundaries?

The answer, I believe, is simple and and yet profound:
Know yourself, to the very core of your being… and continue to be self-reflective.
Out of personal reflection you will discover a sense of self that is solid and non-negotiable
Find someone who is equally devoted to self-reflection, and share your emotional life with this person.

Ideally, you are each living your full potential, at the same time as you are co-creating a third entity, which is the relationship. It is possible to do this, because you are devoting yourself to supporting your partner as much as you support yourself. The results prove the truth of the saying. “The whole is much more than the sum of the parts”

Overcoming Loneliness…Well Worth The Investment

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Why Relationships Are Important To Your Health

The latest AARP bulletin identifies  “loneliness” as a growing epidemic among our elder population.   During the holidays, when the emphasis is put so squarely on connecting with family and friends, its important to remember that not all of us are spending time in the safe and warm cocoon of these vital connections.  Research on physical and emotional “well being” and longevity strongly points to the importance of human relationships as the glue that holds us all together. This “glue” refers to our friendships, our families, and our most intimate romantic connections. Simply put…humans are “social” creatures from cradle to grave.  When we are deprived of close physical and emotional relationships, the body begins to shut down and there is a “failure to thrive” that is evident at a cellular level in humans.  Our immune systems are compromised and we may succumb to opportunistic infections and maladies. 

What Can Be Done To Combat Isolation in Others and Ourselves?

  1. The first step is just simple awareness of feeling “alone” and isolated.  The definition of “loneliness” does not necessarily mean that you are always lonely when you are alone. The subjective “feeling” of loneliness is much more about feeling disconnected and misunderstood even when you are physically connected to another person. We are familiar with the concept of a “lonely” marriage for example.
  • If you find yourself consistently lonely weather or not you have people around you…start researching groups or locations where you might find like-minded people.  It could be anything…doesn’t matter.  If you’re finding it difficult to find your “tribe”…it might be because you have not spent enough time building a relationship with yourself.  Who are you? What do you like? What kinds of activities bring you joy and fulfillment? Begin slowly conversing with people as you engage in activities.  It gets easier and easier.
  •  Are there people from your past who you’ve lost touch with?  If so.. Spend some time rediscovering them.  In the process. You will rediscover yourself.
  •  Last but not least…offer yourself up as a volunteer with others who are lonely.  Volunteer in a Senior Center or Assisted care facility.  You will find it enormously rewarding.

Just remember…its never too late to nurture an active and fulfilling social life.  You won’t regret it!