If you find yourself wanting to date after 50 you may quickly discover that time has grown shorter in terms of finding the “right” match.  Gone are the days when time stretches out infinitely in front of you and you can “kiss” a multitude of “frogs” before you can settle into something comfortable and sustaining.  In addition to this, you have reached the time of your life when you are probably no longer worrying about finding the perfect person to raise children with. Instead, what I hear amongst clients, friends, and family members who are looking to date, is that everyone is looking for a true and loving human connection. In the long run this counts way more than physical attraction. We all want to be seen, heard, and treasured, and this is never truer than in the relationship we seek with a life partner.

SO HOW DO WE GET THE CONNECTION WE DESIRE?

Relationship psychologist Arthur Aron offers a suggestion for accelerating emotional intimacy. It’s a solution that lends itself beautifully to the “online” dating universe.  A central premise of Dr. Arons ideas about finding emotional intimacy is that two people become closer when they allow themselves to be vulnerable to one another.  What this means is that both partners must gradually feel emotionally “safe” enough to “self disclose” feelings, and experiences, from the deepest recesses of their inner lives.  These are the things that are often not spoken to just anyone, which means that both partners must share in equal measure.

BUT HOW DO I KNOW I CAN TRUST SOMEONE NEW WITH MY DEEPEST DARKEST SECRETS?

The answer is that you can’t possibly know whom you can trust…not in the beginning. The key is that you both gradually open up to one another, and you do this by asking each other a series of open-ended questions that are structured so that they are increasingly more private, and more revealing. The questions fall into three categories with each category revealing more that the one before if either of you feels uncomfortable with answers along the way, this may be the “red flag” that you are with the wrong person.

HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF QUESTIONS, IN ORDER OF DEEPENING INTIMACY:

Category 1…. Easy “get to know you” questions:

1. What is a “perfect” day for you?
2. What famous person would you most like to meet?
3. If you were old and had to chose between losing physical or mental capacity…which would you choose and why?
4. What are you most grateful for?

Category 2…Going a little deeper:

1. What is your greatest accomplishment
2. What question about yourself would you ask a crystal ball?
3. What is your best memory…and what is your worst and why?

Category 3…. highest level of tenderness and vulnerability

1. What are the things you like most about me…like least?
2. What is your most embarrassing/shameful moment
3. When did you last cry, and how was that for you

The questions are meant to open people up to one another, but won’t work without equal participation and a willingness to “go further” than the original question. They are geared toward creating deep intimate connection and can work as well for deep friendships as they do for romantic relationships.  The advantage is that you will find things out quickly that will help you hone in on the right person, as well as screen out the wrong one

A good friend of mine divorced recently.  She, like me, is in her sixties. Her children are launched, she owns a home, and she is secure and happy in her job. She’s terrified though, at the prospect of dating “in the grey years” as she terms this time in her life.   “What if I’m all washed up and unattractive now?” she laments. “I don’t know if I can handle the rejection that will inevitably be a part of this process”.

Here are the main points of the little “pep” talk I gave her:

1. First of all, you need a basic change of “mindset” regarding your value and worth at this time in your life. Take some time to look at and acknowledge all that you bring to the table. Think about all of your life experiences, your rich insights and wisdom, your accomplishments…all that you have to offer
2.  This is a whole new ballgame of dating…completely unlike when you were young and looking for someone you might want to settle down and have a family with.  You have no worries about biological clocks, or the “work/life” balance issues that are a part of raising a family. That part of your life is done. Now it’s just about compatibility. 
3. You know yourself far better, hopefully, than you ever have. Just take some time to asses what works and doesn’t work in your relationships.  Do this inner work before starting to date, and you will save yourself a lot of heartbreak. The only thing you don’t have, that you might have before, is a whole lot of time for a relationship that was doomed from the start. You can learn to spot those
4. Be as open minded as possible as far as the superficial physical and/or “lifestyle” details about a person.  Of course you can have “deal breaker” characteristics of someone who you can’t be with. But…try to be flexible
5. Above all…. have fun and be adventurous.  Go places and do things with new potential partners that you have not done before. This can be one of the best times of your life

One of my favorite series on Netflix is called “Working Moms”.  It’s basically about a group of working mothers in Canada who meet weekly to talk about juggling their careers and motherhood.

I recently watched an episode that featured a single dad who was asking this group of moms about the concept of  “consent”.  Apparently he had been on a date and was confused because he asked “permission” before he initiated any physical touch…and he was accused of being “boring and unassertive”

The group tossed around ideas about the meaning of “consent”, and a few women admitted that they sort of enjoyed being “pursued” by a man. Did the need to obtain “consent” mean an end to flirtation and playfulness, they wondered? Where was the fine line between feeling desired, and sought after…. and aggressively “stalked”?

These days I don’t think the answers to these questions are clear cut.  The dating “contract” between two people in the era of “me too”is in the process of significant renegotiation.  The same rules as before just don’t apply.

So…. I’m thinking that if you are embarking on the project of online dating, its probably a good idea to make a discussion of “consent” part of the “getting to know one another” phase.

1. How do you each feel about the importance of consent?
2. Has either of you had bad experiences with lack of consent?
3. What is a comfortable way to communicate with one another non-verbally as well as verbally about the “comfort level” of what is going on in the “physical” realm?

It seems like if there is a mutual understanding about how each person feels and what the “rules” are, there can be plenty of room for flirtation and spontaneity within the structure

Just talk about it!!

Divorce in the United States has become so commonplace that I think we underestimate the psychological impact it has…particularly on the party who feels “blindsided” by its occurrence.

Case in point is a woman I know well who has been married for fifteen years and has several “tween” children.  Although she can admit now that there were “red flags” in her marriage that she should not have ignored…. still she was unprepared for her husbands abrupt announcement that he had met the “true” love of his life and he wanted a divorce

WOW…REALLY???

Rebuilding A Coherent Narrative Of Your Life

What I have heard over and over from friends and clients of mine who have been shocked and dismayed by such announcement, is that the entire “story “of your life is turned upside down. You don’t know who you are, what your life means, what you can believe, or where to go from here. You have to start over.  You have to construct a new story

The Narrative Of Your Life Depends On Reliable Memories

So, apart from the deep hurt of realizing that your life partner no longer loves you, there is also the disillusioning disorientation of looking back on the life you have had with your partner and wondering what went wrong.  Oftentimes couples will “rehash memories from the past and discover that they don’t remember things the same way.  This can be very disturbing because we tend to assume that we have “fixed” shared memories with our loved ones. When we learn that our memories are not the same, we may doubt ourselves. Was everything we believed in actually a “lie”?  What can I believe in?  I don’t “trust” you ( my ex partner) anymore…and perhaps more importantly…. I have lost trust in myself.  Have I lied to myself?

Building A New Narrative…. and a stronger More Resilient Sense Of Self

The healing begins with the realization that memory is not as “fixed” and stable as we would like to believe.  Our memories of events are in fact ours alone…and they are always colored by the feelings we experienced at the time. In a “divorce” situation, there can be this “out of body” feeling that your “once beloved” ex partner has rewritten history to conform to his/her version of events. It may be a “version” that is very hurtful to you, and casts doubt on everything you thought you knew.

Go Back To What You Know To Be True

The key is to remember that you are the writer of your own story…past present and future. You get to remember things in a way that serves you. Your memories can of course include things that you see now more clearly so you don’t make the same mistakes as before…but you can also choose not to remember things that were hurtful to you.  You get to “divorce” yourself from these things.

The important thing is not to forget your past….but rather editorialize it a bit.

Then weave that past into your present and your future.

It’s your story…after all

I recently had a conversation with a good friend concerning her upcoming breast cancer surgery.  Although her prospects for complete recovery were, and are, excellent…she was still having a difficult time…emotionally.  Her feelings centered mostly on the loss of a vital part of her identity and her fear that her sense of herself would forever be altered. As we spoke about this fear in more depth I began to think more and more about how much of our identity is wrapped up in physical appearance.  Sadly, this is still more true of females than males in this culture…even with the “body positive” movement that has emerged from the Eating Disorders Community.

Our Bodies are always changing

The reality is, of course, that our bodies are always changing as we age. Life experience etches itself into our faces and the bloom of youth fades as it is slowly replaced by the physical presence of our older and wiser selves.  The difference with my friend facing surgery is that this will be a rapid change, so the adjustment feels more daunting, more immediate, more overwhelming.

Start With Gratitude

Getting back to my friend facing surgery, our conversation drifted to her feelings about how her breasts were a part of her body that she truly loved.  They had served her well during her breastfeeding years, and they were a key part of her identity as a woman. Now, she had to say goodbye to them. Not only was it scary. It was also sad. As she was describing this sadness…I found myself saying to her: ”Why don’t you thank your breasts for their service as a part of your goodbye Maybe you can explain to your body that this surgery is necessary right now but you have picked a surgeon who will be as careful and skilled as possible.

Treat your body As The Good Friend It Has Been To You These Many Years

It may seem like a strange thing to treat your body as though it were some kind of a separate entity but actually it kind of is.  Just as we have relationships with other human beings or animals, so to we have a relationship to the body that “houses” our very self.  We can treat our body with great respect and love by feeding it in a healthy way, and taking care of it when it’s sick. Or we can neglect it, abuse it, and not “listen” when it signals what it needs. “Self” care is up to each of us.

So….why not have the Conversation?

Spend time quietly with yourself as you listen to what your body is trying to tell you?  Build up awareness of how each body part is doing, by just focusing in specifically on that part of your body and asking what it needs.  Listen to your body when it tells you to relax, slow down, or sleep. What you will find is that your positive feeling about your own body, and the level of care you give it will be the best possible first step for creating healthy relationships with others.

Research into the nature of human attachment now proves what many mental health professionals have always known.  Beyond a doubt, secure relationships are the key to long life and happiness. Observations of mothers and infants reveal the importance of a “securely attached” infant for promoting optimal growth of the growing child…. physically, socially, and emotionally.  Researchers now see that secure attachment is also a key component in healthy and sustainable adult relationships

Attachment In Adult Relationships

By the time we reach adulthood, there is a pretty big variation amongst us as far the quality of the relationships we had as children.  Clearly, not everyone has the experience of loving, consistent, and emotionally present caregivers. There is good news, however.  In the choosing of a “life” partner, the deficits of our childhood can be addressed and repaired.  The individual “self” is a constantly evolving entity. Choosing your partner well and “working” on your adult relationships…offers a second chance to become happy and secure as an adult…even if your child hood was not so great

Finding Someone You Can Be Securely Attached To

Searching for the right person to build a life with is a seriously important task. Although it is tempting to make this choice based on strong physical attraction, this is not a wise idea.  Physical attraction is just one small part of true intimacy…and it just won’t carry you through the difficult times that are inevitable with the passing of time.  Here are some questions you can ask yourself as you attempt to weed out people who just won’t work out in the long run.

Questions To Ponder:

1. Can I really talk to this person and know that they truly are listening. Do I feel comfortable revealing my shortcomings and vulnerabilities?
2. Does this person show empathy for the “story” of my past…that is the events that helped “shape” who I am now?
3. Does this person demonstrate the ability to be emotionally “present” for me in times of stress? Can I do the same for him/her?

Answering yes to all of these questions is a good sign that you have found someone who you will be able to have a sustained long term relationship with. This is true even if your childhood attachments were not always positive and secure. If your “yes” is a little more tentative…then you know which parts of your relationship need work.  The “work” will be worth it though, and will help heal those childhood wounds.

Online dating is a project that is not without awkwardness and heartbreak.  Put simply, there are instances where the “match” does not work out for one or both parties and genuine feelings are involved. Hurt feelings and confusion about what to say are inevitable, but there are some guidelines that may help both parties feel respected and heard during the process of ending a relationship.

Guidelines:

Don’t Drag it Out

If you are the one ending the relationship, even if it’s a relationship of short duration, it may feel easier to let things go on beyond when you really know that its not for you.  It may feel, in the moment, like you are sparing the feelings of your partner…but actually you are more likely just avoiding your own feelings. It’s not comfortable to feel responsible for causing another person pain, so sometimes it’s easier to postpone that feeling within yourself.  So…. have some courage and do the right thing.  Its better for you both in the long run

End The Relationship In Person, not via Cyberspace

The widespread use of texting and other messaging methods for “ghosting” people or outright breaking up with them is the ultimate in disrespect in my view. Please…have the courtesy to talk to the other person in person…in the flesh.  Relationship termination conversations may feel awkward, but they can be done in such a way as to preserve the integrity of both of you.

Take Time With Yourself After The Breakup To Figure Out What Went Wrong

Healthy relationships are at the very core of a long and happy life.  This truth has now been borne out by “happiness” research.  It’s also true that we, as human beings, tend to repeat patterns in terms of whom we choose to be in relationship with, and how long our relationships last. Sometimes the patterns are dysfunctional and keep causing us heartbreak.  It’s worthwhile to take a look at what your “patterns” are and try to change them.

Forgive Yourself, Learn From Your Mistakes, Change Your Perspective

It’s not the mistakes we make in life that are the problem. It’s our refusal, sometimes, to learn from them.  In the case of a relationship ending, the first step toward healthy growth is to get rid of the word “failure”. Think instead of life being a series of relationships that come and go…much like actors on a stage that have “parts” of varying duration. A play moves along with a narrative wherein each “actor” moves the story along, and all the “parts” are important.

When you adopt the perspective that your “relationship” life consists of a unique series of people who will come and go…sometimes with the sadness of loss…sometimes not…then you can fully embrace “the one” who finally “stays” for a while. You can say to yourself  “Wow…. here you are at exactly the right time.  Welcome to my life!”

When you are dating online, the first “in person” encounter can be anxiety provoking. Who is this person that I am meeting for the very first time? What lies beneath the surface of who he/she appears to be? How do I access information about how this individual would really be “in relationship”, and how can I asses, relatively quickly if this could be the right person for me?

Ask The Right Questions

The answer is that you need to be ready with a series of “open ended” questions for your potential partner. The questions you ask on this first date are the key to discovering “red flags” that may not be immediately evident. By “red flags” I mean warning signals that this may not be a good person for you. Often, when we first meet someone we feel flooded by feelings of physical attraction. Physical attraction is great for the initial stages of a relationship, but it’s not the ingredient that sustains relationships in the long run…not ever.

What Are The Right Questions, What are the Red Flags?

Meeting a person for the first time, the most obvious question is “what do you do?”, or where do you live? These are easy “small talk” questions that may break the ice, but don’t really tell you much about someone. Far more important is to find out who this person is “in relationship”. How many relationships have they been in…. and most important…how did the relationship break up? “Break up” stories are the most important source of information there is about how someone fares in relationship…the story itself may be your first “red flag”.

Red Flag Break Up Stories

So, what do you “listen for” in a “break up” story?
I think you are trying to discern weather there is any sense of “mutual responsibility” for why the relationship did not work. If your storyteller presents with a “victim” mindset, for example, you may be dealing with someone who either allows him/her self to be “bulldozed over” in relationship…. or someone who just does not take personal responsibility. In either case, this could be a “red flag” for how a relationship might progress with you.

An Additional Red Flag To Look For

The other broad category of “red flag” on a first date is just someone who is not ready to begin dating again. If your “previous relationship” conversation is dominated by bitter ex husband or ex-wife stories this often means that this relationship “loss” is not yet worked through sufficiently. You then become the “rebound” relationship as you constantly deal with the presence of a third party.

Its All About Mindful Awareness

Awareness of “red flags” is not about discouraging you from this grand adventure of finding the right person. To the contrary its about acknowledging that we each have the ability to know when things may be emotionally dangerous for us and then to act accordingly. It’s about “self care” in the truest and deepest sense.

If you are interested in dating online but are afraid that this is a “younger” persons game…think again.  In many ways you are actually in a better position to take maximum advantage of this modern method of finding a “soul” partner than people who are younger than you.  Here are five of these ways.

You Are Older and Wiser and have had many life experiences

Life experience counts when it comes to meeting new people. Chances are that you have already been in relationships and you know the kind of people who you generally get along with.  You are able to spot “red flags” of people who pose danger or are “toxic” to you.

You Have Developed A Strong Sense of  Who You Are

Generally, the older we get the better we know ourselves. By 50, we pretty much know the values that we hold in life, and we have developed a strong inner core that is unchangeable and non-negotiable.  When we meet someone who “clashes” too strongly with this inner sense of self…we know this pretty quickly.  It’s the wrong person for us to be with

“Companionship” is now much more about your “Authentic” Self

Look at teenagers or “twentysomethings”.   Notice how much time and attention is put towards superficial issues such as the way someone looks. This gets in the way of getting to know someone from the “inside” out.  A lot of time is wasted in discovering that an attractive appearance can hide a very unattractive inner self.

As an older dater, the issue is no longer anyone’s biological clock

At 50 or older the chances are that you have already formed a family biologically and/or through your friends and your extended family. The pressure is therefore lifted and you can take your time to get to know someone in a way that is both relaxed and through.

Hormones and “chemistry” are not such a central part of attraction

Because the human race is programmed for reproduction, the brain chemicals of attraction largely determine “mating” during the reproductive years.  The intense urge to “hook up” and the intense good feeling of sex confuse the issue of whether you are actually with the right person. All of this fades, as we get older and slows down the process of “falling in love”.  If this relationship does not work out…. it’s not so devastating. Your world will not fall apart