First Date Red Flags

Posted on April 24, 2019 by admin

When you are dating online, the first “in person” encounter can be anxiety provoking. Who is this person that I am meeting for the very first time? What lies beneath the surface of who he/she appears to be? How do I access information about how this individual would really be “in relationship”, and how can I asses, relatively quickly if this could be the right person for me?

Ask The Right Questions

The answer is that you need to be ready with a series of “open ended” questions for your potential partner. The questions you ask on this first date are the key to discovering “red flags” that may not be immediately evident. By “red flags” I mean warning signals that this may not be a good person for you. Often, when we first meet someone we feel flooded by feelings of physical attraction. Physical attraction is great for the initial stages of a relationship, but it’s not the ingredient that sustains relationships in the long run…not ever.

What Are The Right Questions, What are the Red Flags?

Meeting a person for the first time, the most obvious question is “what do you do?”, or where do you live? These are easy “small talk” questions that may break the ice, but don’t really tell you much about someone. Far more important is to find out who this person is “in relationship”. How many relationships have they been in…. and most important…how did the relationship break up? “Break up” stories are the most important source of information there is about how someone fares in relationship…the story itself may be your first “red flag”.

Red Flag Break Up Stories

So, what do you “listen for” in a “break up” story?
I think you are trying to discern weather there is any sense of “mutual responsibility” for why the relationship did not work. If your storyteller presents with a “victim” mindset, for example, you may be dealing with someone who either allows him/her self to be “bulldozed over” in relationship…. or someone who just does not take personal responsibility. In either case, this could be a “red flag” for how a relationship might progress with you.

An Additional Red Flag To Look For

The other broad category of “red flag” on a first date is just someone who is not ready to begin dating again. If your “previous relationship” conversation is dominated by bitter ex husband or ex-wife stories this often means that this relationship “loss” is not yet worked through sufficiently. You then become the “rebound” relationship as you constantly deal with the presence of a third party.

Its All About Mindful Awareness

Awareness of “red flags” is not about discouraging you from this grand adventure of finding the right person. To the contrary its about acknowledging that we each have the ability to know when things may be emotionally dangerous for us and then to act accordingly. It’s about “self care” in the truest and deepest sense.

Five Unexpected Benefits Of Dating online when you are Over 50

Posted on March 6, 2019 by admin

If you are interested in dating online but are afraid that this is a “younger” persons game…think again. In many ways you are actually in a better position to take maximum advantage of this modern method of finding a “soul” partner than people who are younger than you. Here are five of these ways.

You Are Older and Wiser and have had many life experiences

Life experience counts when it comes to meeting new people. Chances are that you have already been in relationships and you know the kind of people who you generally get along with. You are able to spot “red flags” of people who pose danger or are “toxic” to you.

You Have Developed A Strong Sense of Who You Are

Generally, the older we get the better we know ourselves. By 50, we pretty much know the values that we hold in life, and we have developed a strong inner core that is unchangeable and non-negotiable. When we meet someone who “clashes” too strongly with this inner sense of self…we know this pretty quickly. It’s the wrong person for us to be with

“Companionship” is now much more about your “Authentic” Self

Look at teenagers or “twentysomethings”. Notice how much time and attention is put towards superficial issues such as the way someone looks. This gets in the way of getting to know someone from the “inside” out. A lot of time is wasted in discovering that an attractive appearance can hide a very unattractive inner self.

As an older dater, the issue is no longer anyone’s biological clock

At 50 or older the chances are that you have already formed a family biologically and/or through your friends and your extended family. The pressure is therefore lifted and you can take your time to get to know someone in a way that is both relaxed and through.

Hormones and “chemistry” are not such a central part of attraction

Because the human race is programmed for reproduction, the brain chemicals of attraction largely determine “mating” during the reproductive years. The intense urge to “hook up” and the intense good feeling of sex confuse the issue of whether you are actually with the right person. All of this fades, as we get older and slows down the process of “falling in love”. If this relationship does not work out…. it’s not so devastating. Your world will not fall apart

Am I “Too Single” to date online?

Posted on January 23, 2019 by admin

Some people have a lot of resistance to the idea of online dating. They give a lot of reasons, but one of the most interesting is this idea that a person may become too entrenched in the “single” life. The question is: “Am I too single to date? The thought is that maybe we can become too “radically self-reliant”, too “independent” and/or “strong willed” to think of allowing another person into our lives. The fear is that if we allow another person to share our lives, maybe that other person will keep us from being our own true self.

I’d like to flip this idea on its head and suggest that if you are very independent and know how to take care of yourself, this can actually be a great asset in terms of finding the right person to date.

First of all, if you are financially independent and maybe even live on your own, this means you know how to take care of yourself. You are not then looking to find someone to take care of you, It is a position of strength to not desperately need someone but rather just to want someone. If you are invested in your own independence, you will probably be looking for someone who also values his/her independence. It evens the “playing field” and makes it possible to start out on an equal footing,

Secondly, if you have been “single” for a while, it usually means you have spent time figuring out who you are and what you want. You know, for example, what your “non negotiables” are when it comes to finding someone you can spend time with. Maybe you can’t bear to be with someone who smokes, for example. You can be very assertive in online dating about just saying this outright. Who are you and what do you really want?

My last point is that when you are dating as someone who is decidedly “single” you have the gift of time, which is probably the greatest gift of all. You can take things slow and easy as you figure out who is right for you. Even the “biological clock” doesn’t have to rush you. We are in a world of modern alternatives for making a family.

So…. go for it…get started with online dating. As human beings we are built to be social. We do well in relationship. This is well documented in studies of Happiness cross culturally.

If you are out of practice…that’s Ok. Online dating is all about practice…and you have the time

Rediscovering Love After Loss How To Re-enter the “Dating” Scene

Posted on November 30, 2018 by admin

Re-entering the dating scene after you have suffered a painful breakup is a very
difficult thing. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable in a new relationship and
“trusting” again may seem impossible. It takes time.
Losing someone through death and “dating again” can be an order of magnitude
more difficult. If you have lost someone in this way, but are ready to consider
“dating” I’d like to offer some “tips” on how to be ready to embark on this adventure.
My first “word” of advice would be the following: Consider that, whatever the “state”
of your relationship at the time your “significant other” left this world, you are
inevitably left with a feeling of unfinished business. In a “real time” concrete sense
you will never be able to complete that business. You will need to be at peace with
this
Perhaps the best way to feel “at peace” with a profound and “final” loss, is to spend
time in a “relationship life review” where you actually consider this significant
relationship from beginning to end. Who were you in the beginning of this
relationship and who did you become by the end of it? Looking at pictures and
sharing stories with others can be very helpful in this process

When we “relive” memories of people who have been an important part of our lives ,
it can be an important part of “letting them go” and creating a spaciousness in our
hearts for new relationships to grow. Its not that we ever “forget” anyone who was
once a part of our life, nor would we want to. It’s more a matter of keeping that
person safely inside of our hearts, and recognizing them for all that they were to
us…including all of their inperfections. In our own minds we can revisit our
memories anytime we want, but we still have plenty of space for new relationships
to grow.
Actually, the review of “past relationships” is important even if your former
partner is still alive. It just seems to take on more immediacy when you no longer
can “see” this person who was once a part of your daily life. Also, the work of
“review” is done all within your own head and depends on keeping that memory
alive. Memories can fade if we don’t reinforce them.

This Feels Like “Real Love”…but how do I know for sure? Uncovering The Mystery of Love that Lasts

Posted on July 26, 2018 by admin

How many of us have “lived” the story of finding the “love of our life”, only to discover weeks, months, or even years later that this was not the case. The heartbreak of love “found” and then “lost” is memorialized over and over again in love songs too numerous to mention, and yet this phenomenon occurs over and over and over again. To add insult to injury, romantic breakups often have repercussions that extend generations into the future. Often the children that are produced in these relationships suffer the most.

So the question bears asking: What is going on, and can anything be done to prevent so many failed relationships?

Maybe part of the answer lies in the definition of “Love”. What is love exactly? How can we know that we really feel it? Why does it often feel so “fleeting”? So “ephemeral”?

This is an “age old” question, so perhaps the wisest answer can be found in the teachings of the ancient philosopher Plato. Plato suggested that there are actually seven kinds of love…all defined as “love” but actually very different from one another

Seven Kinds Of Love, According To Plato:

Eros…Eros is passionate, physical, and romantic. Eros means intense sexual attraction and also carries with it the concept of obsessive preoccupation with the beloved. Eros is built into human biology in order to foster reproduction. Eros has no interest in keeping up an intense level of sexual attraction for a long period of time. Eros love can “burn out”
Philautia….Philautia is “self love” in the sense of healthy self-esteem. This is not to be confused with “narcissism”, which is the over-inflation of the ego.
Ludos…Ludos is affectionate, fun, and essentially uncommitted love. This is the kind of love you might feel for your schoolmates or workmates
Pragma….Pragma is pragmatic love that focuses on long term compatibility and shared goals
Phila…Phila love is simple friendship
Storge…Storge is familial and parental love, based on familiarity and interdependence
Agape …Agape is deep spiritual and unconditional love, including altruism and love of strangers, nature, and God

We all recognize these different kinds of love, but a core problem in our culture, arises I think, because we elevate romantic “eros” love far above the others…especially when we are looking for a life partner. Somehow romantic love becomes the definition of what we seek and what we yearn for.

What’s the problem with this?

I think the problem is that passionate romantic love may lead us to finding someone we feel we want to be with and/or pursue…but it doesn’t necessarily lead us to the “finish line” of sustained long lasting love. Built into the concept of romantic love is the notion that “when you are “in love” in this way, all else will follow. Everything will just magically “fall into place”. Romantic love is too often infused with fantasy and expectation just because it feels so good.. But it does not necessarily provide the long-term compatibility of Pragma or the friendship of Phila. Equally important, romantic love on its own does not necessarily feed our self-esteem in the sense of our beloved really valuing us for all of who we actually are. We too can become an “idealized” fantasy in the mind of someone who is obsessed with us.

So, what then is the “secret” to Finding Lasting Love?

The best way to find a romantic partner who you can stay with in the long term depends on finding someone who you can find all seven kinds of love with. Yes, being “attracted” may be important initially but far more important is someone who you feel authentic and joyful with. It is someone who is committed to your shared goals…and someone who you see yourself being in a “family” with. (Even if you never have children)

Here is the truth. Each of the seven kinds of love enhances every other one.. This means that over time you become more attracted to the person who is always striving for the goals that are important to you…or who you can always laugh and have fun with. You will develop a feeling of “having each others back” as family members do. (Storge love)

If you are really lucky, and it is important to you and your partner, you can also experience “agape love within your relationship…This is the deep and spiritual love that not only ties the two of you together in deep and unconditional love but also connects you to everyone and everything else.

Its there….but you have to want it

Successful Online Dating– The Tortoise or the Hare?

Posted on June 1, 2018 by admin

Many of us are familiar with the Aesop’s fable “The Tortoise And The Hare”. A primary “teaching” in this fable has to do with the importance of steady and dedicated perseverance, as opposed the impatient need to get to “the finish line” as quickly as possible.

This fable has something to teach anyone who wants long lasting success in online dating… especially those who seek a life partner. Why? Its because the process of online dating is very different than developing relationships in the more “old fashioned” way. It involves a different set of expectations and a particular kind of patience and self-awareness.

Back in the “day” potential life partners might meet each other through mutual friends, or because they see each other on a regular basis at work, at church, or in school. Such meetings had a natural “organic “ feel to them as relationships develop into friendships and gradually become something “more”. In the beginning of such relationships, neither party necessarily knows where this is “going”, but it just evolves in a certain way of its own accord.

The “organic” approach has certain advantages. It moves slower and allows for more deliberate reflection along the way. Additionally there is an element of discovering each other and uncovering the mystery of another person without the pressure of asking oneself the constant question, “Is this the One? Could this be “the One”?

Contrast this to online dating. In online dating you have put money down for a service that openly states it is trying to “hook you up”. The pressure is on from the “get go”. When you “sign up” you state things about yourself, as well as asking for particular things you are looking for in a partner. When you are “matched” with someone they already know quite a bit about you. Then, there is often a period of time where emails, and or texting and “facetime” theoretically allow you to know each other better.

A long “getting to know you” period through emails, texting, facetime, ect carries its own perils. When you “present” yourself though any of these mediums, you are presenting your “best” self. You need to assume that your new “friend” is doing the same thing. Its not real. “Sexting”, especially with provocative “pictures “can make the situation even more complicated as your fantasies enter the picture and you move further and further away from reality.

So, how can you make online dating “slower” and, dare we say, more “old fashioned”?

If you are interested in someone, meet them in person…sooner rather than later. Be suspicious if the other person keeps “putting off” the “in person” Are either of you enjoying this “online” flirtation too much to move it to the next level? Are you afraid of the “In Person?”
When you are communicating through digital device, hold a good portion of yourself back. Leave some mystery to be discovered when you meet this person. Even when you meet them…take it slow.
Think carefully about getting involved sexually…even if the body chemistry feels right. Taking more time is always a good idea.

Think of the Tortoise moving slowly along the path toward the finish line. Eyes are wide open, senses are fully alert. This tortoise is taking his time and taking things in. He is following along unexpected twists and turns and is not in a hurry, knowing that it’s most important to get to the right place, rather than to get there fast.

Ok…So What’s Next? The Fine Art Of Building Intimacy With Someone New

Posted on March 29, 2018 by admin

You are Finally face to face with the person you originally connected to online. Maybe you have been in email correspondence for a while. Maybe you have spoken on the phone or “video” chatted. All of these communications are clues as to who you are now looking at. But…this “in the flesh” meeting is something entirely different. Does this person look exactly how you had imagined? How about “body” language? Are you even more attracted…or actually less attracted? It has been said that first impressions can be deceiving, but I’m not sure that’s entirely true. When we are able to read our own “body language” accurately in terms of what it is telling us about how this person “feels” to us, I think we are better off. The key is to pay attention…to have “situational awareness” at all times.

The first conversation you have with someone new can feel awkward. Usually “conversation” starters involve small talk of some sort. You can mention the weather, or ask if they had trouble “finding” the meeting space.

After initial pleasantries and “small talk” though, new research suggests that starting conversations with someone new about “deeper” issues rather than more “trivial”ones, means building intimacy faster. Social Science researcher Arthur Aaron has written extensively about this and his finding is that you can really get to know someone best when you “dive” right into being curious about “larger” issues in someone’s life. You might ask, for example, about significant childhood experiences, or why a person decided to move to a new location. Such questions begin to build trust…especially if you signal that you are really “listening” intently to what is being said..and responding with warmth and compassion. Also, when you allow someone to begin to risk being vulnerable with you, you will also feel comfortable to be vulnerable with them. If neither of you is “opening up” at all…this in itself should tell you something. How can you build a relationship with someone who is “closed off” in this way?

If you are really serious about finding a “life partner” as many online daters are, you will eventually need to “dive” into asking questions about previous relationships. This is important information, as it will yield valuable clues as to potential “red flags” and warning signs about this person you are becoming involved with.

More on this later…For the time being just try to discern weather the person you are with has the emotional “bandwidth” to even be a good friend. Are you comfortable with him/her, and are you starting to “share” information that presents your own self as “less” than perfect. Does the other person do the same thing?

If so….you’re on the right track.

If not…you may want to “pass” on this one..and continue on with the search.

You haven’t got all the time in the world…after all

An “Undefended” Heart Is A “Listening” Heart

Posted on March 16, 2018 by admin

In my previous blog I talked about moving from the “easy” part of online dating to the more difficult part. The most challenging, and most exciting, part is meeting up with a perspective romantic partner in the flesh.

In “The Undefended Heart”, I alluded to the “art” of relationship building and mentioned that it is based upon a careful process of slowly letting your “guard” down in order to reveal to another person who you really are (your authentic and imperfect self) It is an “artful” and “mindful” process because there is also the danger of “over share”…that is the “too quick” giving up of the deeply hidden parts of your inner self in a desperate attempt to “connect” to another. This can backfire on you if you have revealed yourself to someone who ends up being not worthy of your trust. As a corollary to this idea, I personally believe that getting immediately involved in sexual relations can muddy the waters and create a sense of “false” intimacy. This creates misunderstanding at best, or deeply hurt feelings of being “used” in the worst instances. Go slow…I always say

To avoid the danger of “over share”, I’d like to suggest that approaching a new relationship with an “undefended Heart” does not mean that you leave your heart unprotected. You “protect your heart when you listen” carefully and openly to the messages you are receiving from it regarding the person sitting across from you. What are your authentic feelings regarding this person? You are unafraid when you trust what you feel. When you trust your own feelings you don’t need to create a fortress around your heart because your feelings are unwavering. Your heart is open and spacious but also… safe. Pay attention to your feelings. Yes…you may be attracted physically to this person but at the same time you are noticing other “red flags” about him/her that signal this person may not be right for you. It could be as simple as a “mismatch” between the persons actual appearance and their picture, or it could be that they were ridiculously late…. two times in a row. The “undefended” heart “listens” in an open and “nonjudgmental” way and develops a kind of relational “situational” awareness that can accurately asses weather this is a healthy situation for you. Developing this awareness is crucial in the first couple of meetings with a new person
Here are some important questions to ask yourself:

1. Do I feel safe and comfortable to be my true self with this person?
2. Am I feeling like I don’t measure up, or am not “good” enough
3. Can I express myself fully?
4. Does the other person express him/herself fully?

Relationships are “risky”…always. But it is a calculated risk…not a reckless one. You are moving forward, trying it out, daring to risk yourself, moving back, seeing how it feels, and trying again. Your partner in this adventure is doing the very same thing.

Next blog will begin to answer the question: “But what do we talk about?” How do we get to know one another? “How do we deepen our relationship?”

Researchers have actually come up with some good answers to these very questions

Stay tuned.

Approaching New Relationships With An Undefended Heart

Posted on March 6, 2018 by admin

The easy part of online dating is clearly the part that is accomplished “online”. From a “safe” distance, you are able to evaluate possible dating “prospects” at the same time as you, also, are being assessed. With enough patience and persistence, a “match” is achieved. The next step is moving from “virtual” to “real”. An arrangement is made to meet one another “in the flesh”. Now the most important, and the scariest part of online dating begins. How should the early part of relationship building begin? What is the appropriate attitude to adopt in these early meetings? If you are looking to begin the process of finding “the one”, how can you move quickly into the discernment process while also being aware of “red flags” that are trying to signal you that you’re not on the right track? These are the questions I’d like to address.

The first concept to consider, I believe, is the idea that you are looking for someone who will value and connect with you based upon your true and authentic self…rather than the “self” you aspire to be…(your “ideal” self.) Its important to consider the difference between real and ideal in the context of online dating because who you present “virtually” may not be exactly who you actually are at this moment. What if your picture, for example, is a picture of a younger you, or a more “fit” you. The same concept holds with other things you may say about yourself. As human beings we often try to present a “better” version of ourselves to the world at large. It may work, to an extent, on a work resume, or in some other superficial context. But this false presentation can backfire, big time, in the formation of a mature intimate relationship.

The truth is that deeply fulfilling and sustaining relationships are based on two people gradually and carefully revealing their true and authentic selves to one another. At our core we are all flawed and imperfect so that the sooner we reveal this truth to another person, the sooner they have permission to do the same thing. That’s how intimacy is built. When we hide our imperfect selves behind a more perfect “façade” this is called, in psychological language, using a “defense mechanism.” We are erecting a defense structure to protect us because we feel, essentially vulnerable to the “attacks”, if you will, of others.

Contrary to what we may believe, allowing our defense mechanisms to break down, just a little bit, and approaching a new relationship with an “undefended” heart rather than a “defended” heart is actually what makes us more “lovable” not less so.

Notice that I said, “allowing our defense mechanisms to break down just a little bit when beginning a new relationship. It’s a careful and fragile process this slow and mindful opening up of our heart to another person…romantic or otherwise….

After The “Match”…Dating In The Modern World

Posted on February 22, 2018 by admin

Lets face it. Dating is not what it used to be. Back in the “the day”, before online dating and before so many of us got “crazy busy” with developing our careers, we met our potential partners in a number of casual ways. We might, for example meet through mutual friends, or at a party, or through school or work contacts. Also, the world was a different place several decades ago. Women were often financially dependent on making a “good match.” If you could “fall in love” that was a lucky bonus, but marriage was an economic arrangement that fulfilled the requirement of creating stable families for a stable society.

None of the above is true now. Women are in the working world in much greater numbers, and they are spending just as much time and energy creating fulfilling careers as their male counterparts. There is also not as much pressure on men to be sole “providers.” in marriages. Committed relationships strive to be more “equal” and less “role” bound than in previous years.

While all of these changes are wonderful in many ways, the world of “dating” has become much more complicated. Now, when a person looks for a good “match” in terms of dating the idea is to find someone who is truly a “soul mate”. In some ways there is a lot more pressure when you are marrying for “love”. If you really want to settle down with this person you want them to be your best friend, your lover, your ideal “co-parent”, an equal housekeeper…. on and on and on. Modern dating is more about “wanting” to be paired up rather than “needing’” to be paired up. Everyone wants to find the perfect person for him or her.

Enter online dating. Its billed as being as easy as creating a profile, identifying characteristics that you desire in a mate, and then matching yourself, or being “matched “to your ideal mate. It’s done logically, using algorithms and common sense.

The problem is, of course, human interaction, human attraction, and the forming of healthy relationships cannot be reduced to simple formula. There is ”magic” and a “chemistry” involved in whom we are attracted to. More importantly, actually discerning weather or not this person is good for you in the long run is a difficult process. Given the statistics of divorce, it seems to be actually kind of a “hit or miss” process.

My question is: Does it have to be a “Hit or miss” process? I don’t think so.

Research on “Happiness “tells us that healthy relationships are the most important component to long life, physical/mental health, and deep contentment. Surely its important to put as much energy into finding, developing, and keeping a good primary relationship as it is to take care of any other aspect of your health.

I’m going to be devoting a series of blogs to answering the question of how to find a truly good and lasting primary relationship.

Here are some questions I’m going to be exploring:

I’ve met someone I really like, but how do I know he/she is right for me?
How do I develop emotional intimacy with someone?
How to I maintain a sense of “self” while also being with another
How do I keep from losing myself in the relationship?
What do I do when there is conflict?
What if I seem to be more into him/her than he/she is into me?
How do couples establish a healthy balance of power?
What about sex?

In my blogs I want to attempt to answer the question of how we can find a partner who allows each of us to become the best version of ourselves when we are in his/her presence. I say this because I believe that when we are unhappy with another person, what we often mean is that we don’t like who we are when we are around that person. Put another way, some people just seem to bring out the “worst” in us.

I hope to be introducing some ideas about having conversations with someone you think you like. How do you figure out who you are and who they are? How do you discover “red flags” that signal a relationship that is becoming unhealthy for you? How do you begin to “hone in” on the perfect person….for you?

Anxiety to Peace

Creating and Building Relationships That Last