The Lotus Blosom
symbol of Health and Wholeness

In his article, “The Seven Habits Of Emotionally Healthy People” the author Guy Winch makes the point that most of us are more alert to threats to our physical well being as opposed to threats to our emotional well being.  I couldn’t agree more.  Many of us guard our physical health religiously and proactively by eating right, taking vitamins, exercising, taking our medications…ect ect.  When we are physically injured we treat that injury, by setting the bone, or putting dressings on the scrape or abrasion.  In our daily lives we try to adopt healthy habits in order to minimize physical issues.

What about in the realm of our emotional and psychological health?  Are we generally “proactive” about safeguarding our emotional health?  Do we consciously adopt lifestyle habits that enhance emotional health?  What might these habits look like?  Dr. Winch has identified seven “habits” that he argues are the best indicators of emotionally healthy and resilient person.  I invite you to take an inventory and see how you do.

1 .Develop the habit of  “failing” successfully.

You can do this by “debriefing” yourself after each life incident that did not meet expectation.  Separate the factors that were in your control from the ones that were out of your control.  Now you can reassess.  Do you need to change expectations, or change your approach?  Simply put, learn from your mistakes…move on

 2.    Derive Meaning from your Losses

There is obviously no way to guard against the fact of “loss” in our lives.  It will happen.  All the research suggests that those who thrive after a devastating loss do so only because they move toward finding meaning in the event.  Think of Paul Klass who after the murder of his daughter Polly, discovered that his healing comes in helping parents find their lost children. As human beings we need to find meaning.

 3.  Disrupt the Cycle of ruminating over distressing events..  The incessant going over and over events that we do in order to understand “what happened” or “why” rarely brings any fresh insight. After a time, it is simply not helpful, and becomes harmful.  Better to distract yourself with something else.

 4 .Nurture Self Esteem. Flagging self-esteem means that the emotional immune system needs to be refueled. Practice “radical” self-love, acceptance, and compassion. Become your own best friend as you remind yourself of your best qualities

5. Boost Self Worth…. related to self-esteem, this means actively engaging in activities that showcase your best self.  Whatever you are good at do it…doesn’t matter what it is. Be with people who constitute your “fan” base…. don’t be with people who don’t appreciate you…. at least any more than you have to.

 6.  Combat Loneliness…It is Dr. Winch’s contention that loneliness is an often under diagnosed problem in chronic depression.  When we are isolated, the feelings of self worth diminish in a downward spiral. It is easy to convince ourselves that we are unloved and to stop reaching out to people for fear of rejection. Its important to not let this happen.

7. Forgive and absolve yourself and others.  Forgiveness research is pointing more and more to the importance of forgiving others for what they have done to you, as well as apologizing for what you may have done. Of course it’s not always easy, and it’s important to keep in mind that forgiving is not tantamount to condoning the action. Related to forgiving is cultivating empathy for yourself and others.

So, that’s the list.

Looking at this myself I can identify that some days are better that others in terms of my good emotional habits.  How about you?

picture curtesy of Linda Muniz

Two days ago I attended a wedding at “Notre Dame Des Victories” Church in San Francisco.  The reception was held at the famous “Palace” hotel nearby.  Pictured here are the bride and groom, Bill and Camille, as they “kick off” the wedding reception and their married life with “The First Dance”.  The photo only begins to reveal the exquisite beauty of the Palace hotel with its Beaux Arts architecture and signature chandeliers…you had to be there to fully appreciate it.

This day was memorable to me, not only because of the extraordinary beauty and elegance of the Church and the Palace hotel. I was also deeply moved by the detailed planning of the event which made it not only a celebration of new beginnings for this couple but an honoring of “past” new beginnings.  The church, for example was the same church that the grooms parents had been married in.  The reception was held in the exact location that the bride’s parents had held their reception.  Pictures of these events of the past were displayed for wedding guests to see.  How cool is that? When wedding guests entered the church they were given a program of events. In this program was the following collective message from the bride and groom.  It reads (in part)…”Thank you especially to our parents for raising us to be the perfect person for the other, and for making this wonderful day and every other day possible”.  On reading this I was struck by this simple but profound acknowledgement of the chain of events that is always guiding each of us to experience the exact perfect moment of “now”.  Our parents are, of course our most direct link in the chain, but in a larger sense everyone we meet is part of the chain.  I reflected upon this often during the course of the evening.

In the days following the wedding, I found myself reflecting on the fact that events such as weddings, graduations, and other “rites of passage” are always very emotional…especially for me, as I grow older.  What is that “prick” of tears that begins to spill over during the wedding procession?  What is that euphoric joy mixed with melancholy that overcomes us when listening to the bride’s father as he remembers the birth of his daughter?  Thinking about it now, it occurs to me that weddings, graduations, and other rites of passage are simultaneously a beginning and an ending. It’s almost too much to process, in a way, that knowledge that you are the witness to a shift.  Change is actually happening all the time, but with transitional events it seems to occur so suddenly…we don’t always see it coming. I guess that’s why we need the ritual…to celebrate, acknowledge, and maybe even grieve a bit for what has been lost in order to make room for what is now gained.

As the evening wore on with the wedding reception, it felt so important that the music reflected the music of all of the generations of wedding guests.  I have no idea if this was intentional or not, but it seemed that the music was planned so that it began with “baby boomer” and even earlier music…and ended up with contemporary stuff…the stuff that seems utterly “undanceable” to me.  The kickoff song “I’m a believer” by the monkees was so perfect.  At that moment I think all of us there felt that we were “true believers”.  We believed in what was happening right then and right there.  I noticed a full participation happening.

Toward the end of the evening (for me), I had a conversation with someone close to my age range.  She lamented that when she was younger she could “dance all night”….no longer.  No longer for me either.  There was some sadness with this realization, but also some relief…I have to say.  I think of Maurice Chevalier in the movie “Gigi” when he sings,..”I’m so glad that I’m not young anymore”.  In the course of this song this dashing French actor of the 1930’s and1940’s speaks of how he can now just sit back and watch the “drama” of the young as their lives unfold before him.

I kind of feel the same way. In the last hour before I left this memorable day it was time to just “sit back and enjoy the show”…. and that’s exactly what I did.

the rewards of mature love

 The folksinger John McClutchen sings a song about the sweet ripening of love discovered and nurtured later in life. It brings a tear of joy to my eye to hear him sing it.  The song, entitled “Old People In Love”, has a chorus after each verse.  It goes like this:

Old people in love

I wonder how they do it

Old people in love

What kind of grace gets them through it?

Listening to this song recently got me to thinking of the kind of grace at work in mature love.  When you have been living a long life, and you have experienced the “full catastrophe” of living, I don’t think you “fall” or “stay” in love in quite the same way as when you were young.  In our youth, it seems to me, “falling in love” is fueled by hormonal excitement and sexual chemistry. As I recall “young” love, it’s also about exhibiting your “catch” to family and friends.  What a “hunk” is he, or what a “babe” is she. Later on… not so much.  Hormones and chemistry may still play a part but mature love has a different texture to it.  It feels quieter and subtler.  In fact, it has been my experience and observation that more “mature” attraction is often difficult for others to understand.  The attraction you feel is more of an “inner “ experience.  Furthermore, it ceases to matter weather other people really “get” your devotion to your partner.  It only matters that you “get” it, and others feel your sense of peace and contentment.  Its part of the “grace”

For me the “grace” is also the fact that you are willingly attaching yourself to someone who will most assuredly be declining in health in the coming years.  Added to this, you yourself are  declining as well.  Of course we all are, no matter what our age.  The difference is, in old age there is no longer the illusion that it can be otherwise.  The evidence appears in the mirror, and in the face of our beloved on a daily basis.  Eventually, we all see it.

Letting go of the illusion of eternal youth can be incredibly freeing in a mature relationship.  Whereas earlier in life you may have looked at your partner and focused negatively on the imperfections of the sagging flesh, the pot belly, or the receding hairline, now all of these things become incredibly dear to you.  They are dear just because they are part of your loved one’s corporality and proof of his/her continued existence in your life.  Your beloved acknowledges and loves the imperfections in you as well.  These little oddities in both of you can even be part of your conversation…. but not in a bad and demeaning way.  Not ever in a way that seeks to change anything.  Time is precious, as you are reminded every day the longer you live.  Why waste it?

In another verse of his song, John McClutchen refers to the expanded clear vision of mature love in the following way:

“Cause they see with a truth

They were blind to in youth

It’s a gift from above

Old people in love”

It does seem to be a “gift from above”, this kind of love that stands the test of time and indeed gets better and deeper with each passing year.  John McClutchen ends his song in this way:

“So let the long years have their way

Still every night of the year I pray

That the first and the last thing I see

Each day is you”

Old People in Love.

I couldn’t possibly say it any better

friendship On Amtrak

 For a long time I’ve had a fantasy about traveling on an overnight train over a long distance. I guess its something about the romance of falling asleep to the rhythm of the rails, as well as being drawn to an earlier era when travel was leisurely and relaxed.  For whatever reason, a long train trip was on my “bucket” list.  Now I can check it off. Two weeks ago, my husband and I boarded the California Zephyr in Emeryville, California and arrived in Chicago, Illinois 52 hours later. Yes, I loved sleeping to the rhythm of train travel. Yes, the scenery as viewed from the observation car was breathtaking. What was the most surprising and delightful, though, was meeting and interacting with all the passengers who boarded the train at various locations. These were, after all, totally random people.  These were people who I ordinarily would never meet, let alone carry on amazingly intimate conversations with. And yet, intimacy was exactly what developed between myself and this odd assortment of people.  How did this happen?  I’ve developed a theory to explain it. Here it is:

  When you pay for a “roomette”, formerly known as a “Pullman” berth in a train…you also get all of your meals included.  On Amtrak they practice “community” seating at meals.  This means you will be seated with new people at every single meal.  At first I was really resistant to this idea, but since there was no choice, I got used to it.  By the end of the trip I really loved it.  Here are the things I discovered that surprised me.

1. People are rarely who you expect them to be when you just glance at them briefly as they board the train.  I suspect I am like everyone else in that I make up stories about people based on how they look, move, talk, and dress.  What I discovered, though, was that my stories were just that….. Stories.  The “hick” looking couple from Mississippi were far, far from ignorant and “redneck”.  I guess it just takes being captively placed with people to make that discovery.  What a shame. I think I need to look at my “storytelling”.
2. Once you open up a little bit to people and ask them about their jobs and families, you would be surprised how much you have in common. A rebellious teenager in Cleveland Ohio is much the same as a rebellious teenager in Oakland.  This was comforting to know. I felt less “lonely”.

I guess somewhere along the line it occurred to me that I could say anything I wanted, and share anything I wanted with the people on this train.  The reality was, I was never going to see any of them again.  That’s kind of the “deal” you make in these situations I think.  Its part of the appeal of travel that there is ultimately no “reputation” to worry about…no nasty gossip to follow you around.  Essentially, you get to be anonymous, which is incredibly freeing.  It got me to thinking that if I was in any way “famous”, I would never be free in this way. (No danger of that!)

My final thought about train travel is that it’s actually a metaphor for life. Aren’t we all, after all, just “Passing Through” the lives of all the people we come into contact with? I’m reminded of a song I learned in the sixth grade entitled “Passing Through”.  Here’s the chorus to the song:

Passing Through, Passing Through

Sometimes happy, sometimes blue

Glad that I ran into you

Tell the people that you saw me passing through

I’m so glad I met all the people on this train. They will never be strangers, even though it’s unlikely I will see any of them again.

Erin Olivio is a clinical professor of medical psychology at Columbia University.  In her work with addicts recovering from multiple addictions, Dr. Olivio finds that she must first find a way to help these people regain a sense of basic self worth.  She begins this process by asking these newly sober patients to identify the character traits they most value in others.  Typical answers to this question might be:  “I value honesty, loyalty, authenticity, the capacity to love”.  Then, Dr. Olivio asks her patients which qualities they most value in themselves.  Now the answers are different.  Most typically, they are things like “I have a good education, I can work hard”.  Dr. Olivio was struck by the fact that people tend to judge themselves more readily by the things they have “done” (the externals), whereas they judge others by the things they “are” (the internals). As a starting point of conversation, Dr. Olivio points out this key difference to her patients.  What she finds is that people, in general, have difficulty identifying their own positive “inner” character traits. When pressed, people are more apt to point out character flaws and/or the ways they have let people down.

Buddhist psychologist Bruce Tift of Naropa University has also noticed this “disconnect” between the way we see ourselves and the way we see others.  In the Buddhist way of thinking, this “self negativity” bias is a cause of great unnecessary suffering for us human beings.  Dr. Tift believes that we are often “divided” against ourselves…believing, as we do, that we have a “good” self and a “bad” self and these “selves” are at war with one another.  At a level that is either conscious or unconscious, this “inner war” becomes a huge source of anxiety, physical discomfort, and depression.  Buddhist thought would argue that the “divided self” is an illusion, or as Dr. Tift terms it a  “hallucination”.  True inner peace and happiness can only occur if we feel “whole”.

So, where did the “divided self” originate, and more importantly, how can we be restored to “wholeness”.  Dr. Tift sees the origins of the “divided self” in childhood. In the relatively long period of childhood each child needs to ensure physical and psychological survival by becoming the child the parent needs him to be.  This is when the unacceptable parts of ourselves, (read “anger” and “aggression”) are pushed into the unconscious…but probably only temporarily.  As we all know, eventually all of our parts will make themselves known..either by “anger” outbursts, or through their conversion into anxiety or physical illness.  The important thing is that, as children, we become very aware of “bad behavior” and our capacity to engage in it. This is the beginning of the “divided” self, that can perpetuate into adulthood and go on forever, if not somehow addressed.

So, how can a “divided” self become whole again.? Bruce Tift believes the answer to this begins with looking deeply into our neurological system, where we have created a neurological pathway that identifies our own “negative” emotions as “dangerous” to the survival of the “self”.  In childhood it may have been literally “dangerous” to allow the anger to surface, so, for our very survival our own emotions became a threat….we had to push them down (sometimes not very successfully) A conflict arose each time a feeling tried to assert itself and had to be somehow conquered. Our childhood strategy kept us in “good enough” relationship with caregivers when we were children, but it no longer serves us.  In reality we need all of our emotions to survive in the real world…all the anger, all the aggression…we need to make them all available.  In reality there is no “good” and “bad” per se, just the appropriate use of emotions at the appropriate time. But How can we achieve the appropriate integration?

First of all, its important I think to understand the concept of “neuro plasticity”.  We know now that “neuro pathways” are not “hard wired”.  We can change them.  Here is where the idea of “vulnerability” comes in.

For the sake of argument, lets consider the emotion of anger. In order to really permanently change the neural pathway that identifies anger, as a “danger” to the “self”, it is necessary to identify the original source of the “trauma” that led us to believe we could not safely feel our anger. Imagine for example, that you were told that your anger was “killing” your mother. Your father is telling you this because your mother is particularly fragile. (this is just an example!) As a child, you might literally believe this…that you could “kill” your mother with your feelings.  Imagine the depth of deep terror you would feel …the absolute vulnerability of this moment. ..your survival is at stake! Bruce Tift argues that if you can feel  and remember deeply within your physical body the sheer terror of the moment of your worst vulnerability you can shift the feeling…change the pathway.  Why?   Because you will discover that, contrary to your deepest childhood fear, you can and will survive. You are literally changing a key, but probably unconscious “core” belief about your own survival. Your psyche has new “evidence”, if you will, and this will change the pathway.  It reminds me of what Winston Churchill said about the onslaught of World War 2….”The only thing you have to fear is fear itself.”..  Put another way, it’s not the event itself but your “fear” of the event, that causes the problem.  Churchill didn’t know it, but it seems to me he was defining the nature of anxiety.  Go into that fear and ….feel it, know it, “embody” that vulnerability fully… Notice that you are truly OK.  Now you will see that the fear and anxiety will simply “let go”.  There is  no reason for it to hold on to itself.

Keep Your Own Man Burning
photo by Darrell Hunger

The end of the “Burning Man” event in the Black Rock Desert is signaled by the actual “burning” of the “Man.” Three stories high, when the “man” is burning, it is a sight to behold.  First the “man made of  sticks” is honored by being lit up fully.  Then, there is a grand fireworks display.  Finally, the man is set on fire, and he burns to the ground.  The ritual is important.  It means that “Burning Man”, as the event of that year, is ending.  Sadly, it is now time for everyone to pack up and go home. At “Burning Man”, when the event is over, it is truly and fully “over”.  Participants are told that they must pack up absolutely everything and “leave no trace”… at least no discernable physical trace”. (This is actually one of the 10 principles)  But what of the experience that lives on in the memory of the participants?  As I mentioned in my previous blog, (see previous blog)….people are deeply affected and “changed” internally by participating in Burning Man. Virtually all of the people I talked to came back from “Burning Man” with a new sense of the possibility of connecting with people in a heart centered and authentic way.  Additionally, people seem to feel really good about themselves.  People have a renewed sense of inner “empowerment” after “Burning Man”, as well as the motivation to continue to create “art” in whatever form that art might take..  My question is, how can we, any of us, bring this incredible  Burning  Man “ethos” to bear in the real world…the world that is so much more competitive, materialistic,  and mean spirited and cruel than the “Burning Man” Utopia.  After all, the “real world” is where we have to live, don’t we?….well maybe.  Or…how about if we keep a man burning within each of us throughout the year?  I’ve been thinking about a few ways we might be able to do that.

The first way is pretty obvious.  “Burning Man” organizers are pretty savvy about the intensity of the experience, so there are many “after” parties and opportunities to “decompress” after “Burning Man”.  In addition, many people who attend are repeat attenders, or “burners” as they are called.  In point of fact,  attendance of “Burning Man” has grown over the years, so that it is now attended by 68 thousand people…from virtually all over the world.  This says to me that events such as “Burning Man” are an answer to a discernable, global “spiritual thirst”…that keeps on growing.

So, there is the first answer to keeping that flame burning….go back to “Burning Man”!…attend the related events.!

Another way to “keep the man burning” would be to just take the principles and contemplate them…and consider how it might be possible to “live” these principles all the time. Lets take” Radical self reliance”, for example. How often does each of us think we can’t figure something out…It’s too hard, we may tell ourselves , or….I don’t understand.  I know I often say these things to myself….and then I pause a moment to actually “figure” it out…and it feels really good!  Lately I’ve tried to challenge myself more, and challenge the insidious sterreotype of the helpless female (that I have apparently internalized) Now, how about “radical self expression”?…..I wonder how often we see ourselves as someone who is not “creative”, or not “artistic”.  What kind of bullshit is that? Just checking out pictures and videos of the clothing , art and music of Burning Man, (keep in mind, I’ve never been there)…convinces me of the amazing creativity made possible by the unleashed and uninhibited  human mind and spirit.  So how about unleashing your inner artist once in while?

The principle of “radical inclusion” seems to me the most challenging of all.  If I take a good hard look at myself, I can find instances where I have dismissed someone who seemed so different from me that he/she was…what…threatening???.. I’m shamed to say this….but its true.  This is the inner work  that know I’m not alone in having to do.

So, I guess what I’m saying is that the “Burning Man” ethos is not something that need only be brought out only for one week every year.  It is possible to begin to incorporate these ideas into our everyday life…if we want to.  I’m not saying its easy, because, face it, the “default” world can be kind of cool.  I love my high tech communication gadgets, my TV, my “safe” friends and family…all the stuff that I know and can reliably depend on.

But I also know, its not enough.  Its not enough, for me at least, to stay inside the cocoon of my familiar world.  I want more.  I want to expand and  to dare to know myself at a deeper level.  I want to try and understand and embrace people that seem “strange”. I want to explore my “outer edges” in a harsh and challenging environment.  My intention is to attend Burning Man next year, and in the meantime…take some time to contemplate and live the principles every day.

“Burning Man” prior to the “Burn”…August 31st 2013
photo by Darrell Hunger

The organizers of “Burning Man” start disseminating information about the weeklong event to all ticket holders long before the event itself. Contrary to a commonly held belief, “Burning Man” is not a chaotic, anarchistic group of crazy artists, musicians, and ex “hippies” getting together to hang out and smoke dope in the desert.  Oh no….no..no.  This year two members of my family attended the event and I learned just a little bit about the true meaning of “Burning Man”. I’m going next year.

    To understand how the community of “Burning Man” operates, the best place to turn is to the Burning  Man Survival Guide, …part of the literature the ticket holders get when they attend the event.  To quote directly from the guide “Our community’s ethos is built on the values reflected in the 10 principles.  “Burning Man” is understood not as an event, but as referring to a way of life lived consistently with these 10 principles.  They are meant to be taken as a whole, as a set of commonly understood values that have arisen out of the history of the Burning Man experience”.

WOW….this is so cool!…says the anthropologist in me.  Burning Man, in the (roughly) 25 years of its existence, has actually evolved a coherent culture that re-creates itself year after year.  The culture is based on very specific principles!  Going through each principle in detail here would take too much time, but I am going to focus on the principles of  “Radical Self Reliance”, “Radical Self Expression”, and “Radical Inclusion”. I am focusing here because of the expression of pure bliss I witnessed in my husbands face when he returned from Burning Man, and his comment that he felt “bathed in oxytocin” (the “love molecule) the whole time he was attending Burning man. It just seemed to me that these manefestations must have something to do with his immersion in the “ethos” of Burning Man. On further reflection I reasoned that, to have such a feeling of “well being” and “contentment” when sharing a harsh environment  with so many others must have directly to do with following principles about how to relate to yourself, and to others. So, I’ve been thinking about it and here is a theory I have developed.

First of all, regarding the principle of “radical self reliance”..the survival guide states that “Burning Man encourages the individual to discover, exercise, and rely on his or her own inner resources.” So, I see this as an emphasis on self empowerment. You, on your own, are enough.  You can take care of yourself.  You are whole. If you combine this with the principle of “radical self expression”…which states that you as an individual are encouraged to share all of “who you are” (for example by the way you dress, your art, your “expression”.. all “parts” of yourself, if you will)…then you are allowing your true self to be seen….all of you.  Ergo…all of you is powerfull….it’s all good!  The third principle of “radical inclusion” seals the other two together, in my mind. To quote from the “Survival guide, again, with the principle of “radical Inclusion… ,”anyone can be a part of Burning Man”…no prerequisites exist for participation…. It seems to me that this is the principle of automatic and unconditional “positive regard”. You are accepted for who you are and what you bring, with no hierarchies.  Everyone is equal.

So, now thinking about the feeling of “love” that seems to flow between “Burning Man” participants (maybe not all the time…there is a “law enforcement” presence of sorts), I’m thinking that the human connection people discover there must come truly and fully from the “heart”.  Given that each participant is encouraged to feel “whole” “self sufficient”  and “empowered” for who they truly are, the reason to “connect” is not about really “needing” anyone…it is about “wanting” connection, pure and simple. Of course, you can help someone who needs it, (and this is encouraged)  but its different than that desperate need people can sometimes feel to find someone to “complete” them.  You are already complete.  Related to this, there is no money exchange at “Burning Man”, except in the instance of two locations where you can buy ice and coffee. Other than this,….”Burning Man is devoted to acts of “gift giving”.  The value of a gift is unconditional.  “Gifting does not contemplate a return or an exchange for something of equal value”  (again, this is another principle from the Survival Guide)

So, these are my thoughts.  I have never been a part of such an “experiment” in community as this.  It’s a chance to connect with people in such a real and immediate way…..(By the way, cell phones, laptops, and tablets don’t work at Burning Man.. Its all BE HERE NOW. ) When my husband Darrell came home, he was totally disoriented and needed to take a couple of days just to adjust to the “default” world. (another Burning Man expression) He couldn’t stop talking about his experience and the wonderful time he had with everyone there, including our adult daughter Simone .  How can I not want to go?

Sixty two year old poet and philosopher Mark Nepo observed recently that his life purpose has changed over the years.  In his “youth”, Mark observed, he was driven by the need to become his own unique self as he pushed himself forward to carve out a niche in the competitive world of writing.  Then, in midlife, Mark had a serious bout with cancer and everything changed.  He describes this time as an experience of “breaking open” completely.  Suddenly success, individualism, and forward momentum, were simply not important.  Now, a handful of years after the beginning of his cancer journey, Mark is focusing his energy on building and deepening relationships.  Even the creative process of poetry writing has taken a back seat to this, as Mark strives to find all the ways in which he is in unity with others, rather than “set apart”.

Mark Nepo’s observations strike a deep chord with me, for several reasons.  First of all, I’m 63, and have recently had a “break open” experience of my own.  In my view, he is exactly right.  When these experiences happen, the only thing that makes them bearable is connecting with others in a meaningful way.  Secondly, professionally I’m interested in helping people who have experienced “relationship failure” to learn how to find and keep relationships…romantic or not.  So, how does one get stared with this task?  More importantly, how does a person get started if they are coming from a place of deep loneliness, fear, and anger after profound disappointment and betrayal?  Mark Nepo offers some ideas on this that I believe are worth looking at.

The first idea that really resonated with me is Mr. Nepos assertion that true loneliness is not something we feel, necessarily, when we are physically alone.  The deepest loneliness is rather an inner loneliness that occurs when we are a “stranger” to ourselves.  How do we become a “stranger” to ourselves? Mark Nepo suggests that it happens when we “react” to our emotional and/or physical pain by retreating into ourselves. Alternatively, we many anesthetize ourselves with drugs and alcohol.  To the outside world, we may appear aloof and uncaring.  Or, maybe we have a great “party” persona that is “laughing on the outside while crying on the inside”. We are, in these instances, essentially “hiding”…. both from ourselves and from others.

Mark Nepo believes that the only way out of this profoundly lonely place is to allow ourselves to feel all of our pain “all the way through”.  We actually have to invite every sensation, every thought, every emotion, every everything to come to our table. All are welcome.  None are denied entrance. Mindfulness meditation is one way to begin to identify and accept everything by noticing the way it all “lands” in our body.  Journaling can also help with building awareness and learning to tolerate all of who we are.

The goal of all of this “self” reflection is to literally; finally, and fully see “the man (or woman) in the mirror”(that is ourselves) So…Ok…but how does this help us not be lonely, and build a healthy relationship?

The idea is that when we allow ourselves to fully feel emotional pain, we are connecting deeply with the vast “river” of anyone and everyone who has ever suffered.  We are connecting with the human family, essentially, and we are laying the foundation for the empathy and compassion that will lead us into our deepest friendships and most committed relationships. This makes sense, when you think about it.  It becomes clear to you when you allow a full experience of emotional pain, that everyone else is just like you. In your “awakened” state you will now see everyone fully, from the “reference point” of yourself.  Now your heart is open and you are available to let someone in.  It starts with you…not anyone else…because your openheartedness radiates outward in a welcoming gesture that attracts people to you.  It has to…there is no other way.

Just remember..spend some time looking in that mirror first!

Feeling “At Home” in Your Body

Have you ever felt as though your body didn’t really belong to you?  Perhaps you became ill and it seemed like your body betrayed the will of your mind.  Or, you may have felt some level of dissatisfaction with your appearance. Maybe you were in a stressful situation and you reached a level of anxiety that feels, literally, as though you are “out of body”.  All of the above experiences can be seen as examples of disharmony between the physical body and the mind.  In a real sense our bodies have an ongoing, dynamic relationship to our minds, but that relationship is not always comfortable. Communication is not always optimal.  Consider, for example, that we may want to stay up all night drinking, eating, and generally “partying”.  At some point in the evening, we may get a signal from our body that it is tired and needs sleep.  We ignore that signal.  Guess what?  We get sick.  Communication breakdown,  pure and simple.  Runaway anxiety and the shameful flush  of poor self -image could also be seen as a communication breakdown when you think about it.  Consider the possibility that such “bodily” signals are the communication that feelings exist which need to be attended to.  The question is, what is our body trying to tell us?

So, what do I mean by “what is our body trying to tell us?”  Does the body actually…..speak?

Oh yes it does, claims New York psychotherapist and spiritual teacher Judith Blackstone.  Dr. Blackstone argues that our body and all of its many systems and organs has an intelligence…or many intelligences. In order for us to really “feel” and “understand” body communications we need to learn to “attune” ourselves more deliberately and consciously to our body. The goal of this attunement  is to confidently inhabit our own body and live comfortably within our own skin.  Only then can we feel “at one” with ourselves…and not as though we are separate beings observing ourselves from the outside.  Said another way, the goal of this attunement is to be fully “present” to ourselves.  Incidentally, becoming present to ourselves is the first step to being present to others, but that is another blog!

So, how do we do this?…How do we “tune in” to ourselves at this basic “body” level?  One answer lies in a simple practice borrowed from mindfulness meditation, called the “body scan”.  Here are the steps:

1. Find a quiet place, free of distractions, and assume a pose that is comfortable for you.  Your eyes are closed and you are lying down, or partially reclined…at least.
2. Starting with the toes of your feet and moving up your body incrementally, put your attention on one body part at a time.  Ask yourself, how does it feel from the inside out?….feet warm?, cold? Itchy?
3. The object is to truly enter into the consciousness of each body part and spend some time seeing how it feels.  Let your body speak to you!

The ideal thing would be to do this practice several times a week to get to know the smallest communications you are receiving from your body.  Don’t hesitate to enter into dialoug with your body part if necessary.  How are you today?…sorry about that fall yesterday!  The Buddhist teacher Adyashanti recommends that you prepare your body for an upcoming operation by reassuring it, for example, that the surgeon will be cutting….but it’s a good cut…not meant to hurt you.

So, next time your body goes through some kind of trauma, say some soothing words! Do the same thing if you are having an anxiety attack, or a rush of embarrassment.  Build a relationship! Make friends! Taking time to tune into your body on a regular basis will yield incredible benefits.

Dr. “Love” prescribes a minimum of 9 hugs per day

Neurology professor Paul Zak is known as “Dr. Love” because of his pioneering research at Claremont Graduate School on the importance of oxytocin for human attachment and “pro social” behavior.  Oxytocin, also know as the “love molecule”, is the chemical neurotransmitter that is released by our parasympathetic nervous system when we are feeling deep love and connection with another human being…or a beloved pet for that matter.  Oxytocin is like a “gift” that we offer to one another when we “touch” each other with kind words, or with the human “touch” of a hug, or a similar loving gesture.   Hugs are especially efficient, when you think about it, because of the reciprocity of giving and receiving the hug simultaneously.  Dr. Zak has done the scientific research necessary to actually measure oxytocin release before and after a human hug, and he was able to find a significant increase afterwards.  As an additional benefit to “feeling good”, the release of oxytocin into our nervous systems, protects our mind/brain from the overload of the stress hormones of adrenaline and cortisol. (see my previous blog).  So, daily “hugging” is the first on the list of easy ways to increase your oxytocin release.  Dr. Zak recommends a minimum of 9 hugs a day.  What are some other “practices” we can  incorporate into our daily routine?

2.  Actively connect with good friends everyday..and always find kind and supportive things to say.  New research on “kindness” from Stanford University teaches us that it is often the smallest gesture, or simplest words of kindness that are the most effective.

3.  Find Opportunities to connect with groups of people to share stories, listen to and play music, and laugh.  Unbelievably enough, Dr. Zak measured oxytocin levels before and after all of these activites and found significant increases afterwards.

4.  If at all possible… get a pet….preferably of the variety that can be held and cuddled, such as a cat or dog.  I don’t know this for sure, but I swear that my cat is radiating oxytocin when he purrs.  When I feel that purr resonate up through my hand as I pet my cat…I know oxytocin is released.

5.  Self  compassion is extremely important. Research is starting to point to this more and more.  Find ways to hold your hand over your heart during prayer, meditation, or simple reflective contemplation.  Even gently putting one hand on your other arm can be effective.  Such a simple practice!

So, does all of this seem like obvious kitchen table wisdom?  Of course it does!  Science is just beginning to catch up to what poets, philosophers, spiritual leaders, mothers, fathers, grandmothers…ect ect…have known forever.  It seems important just to remind ourselves from time to time.