I recently had a conversation with a good friend concerning her upcoming breast cancer surgery.  Although her prospects for complete recovery were, and are, excellent…she was still having a difficult time…emotionally.  Her feelings centered mostly on the loss of a vital part of her identity and her fear that her sense of herself would forever be altered. As we spoke about this fear in more depth I began to think more and more about how much of our identity is wrapped up in physical appearance.  Sadly, this is still more true of females than males in this culture…even with the “body positive” movement that has emerged from the Eating Disorders Community.

Our Bodies are always changing

The reality is, of course, that our bodies are always changing as we age. Life experience etches itself into our faces and the bloom of youth fades as it is slowly replaced by the physical presence of our older and wiser selves.  The difference with my friend facing surgery is that this will be a rapid change, so the adjustment feels more daunting, more immediate, more overwhelming.

Start With Gratitude

Getting back to my friend facing surgery, our conversation drifted to her feelings about how her breasts were a part of her body that she truly loved.  They had served her well during her breastfeeding years, and they were a key part of her identity as a woman. Now, she had to say goodbye to them. Not only was it scary. It was also sad. As she was describing this sadness…I found myself saying to her: ”Why don’t you thank your breasts for their service as a part of your goodbye Maybe you can explain to your body that this surgery is necessary right now but you have picked a surgeon who will be as careful and skilled as possible.

Treat your body As The Good Friend It Has Been To You These Many Years

It may seem like a strange thing to treat your body as though it were some kind of a separate entity but actually it kind of is.  Just as we have relationships with other human beings or animals, so to we have a relationship to the body that “houses” our very self.  We can treat our body with great respect and love by feeding it in a healthy way, and taking care of it when it’s sick. Or we can neglect it, abuse it, and not “listen” when it signals what it needs. “Self” care is up to each of us.

So….why not have the Conversation?

Spend time quietly with yourself as you listen to what your body is trying to tell you?  Build up awareness of how each body part is doing, by just focusing in specifically on that part of your body and asking what it needs.  Listen to your body when it tells you to relax, slow down, or sleep. What you will find is that your positive feeling about your own body, and the level of care you give it will be the best possible first step for creating healthy relationships with others.

Research into the nature of human attachment now proves what many mental health professionals have always known.  Beyond a doubt, secure relationships are the key to long life and happiness. Observations of mothers and infants reveal the importance of a “securely attached” infant for promoting optimal growth of the growing child…. physically, socially, and emotionally.  Researchers now see that secure attachment is also a key component in healthy and sustainable adult relationships

Attachment In Adult Relationships

By the time we reach adulthood, there is a pretty big variation amongst us as far the quality of the relationships we had as children.  Clearly, not everyone has the experience of loving, consistent, and emotionally present caregivers. There is good news, however.  In the choosing of a “life” partner, the deficits of our childhood can be addressed and repaired.  The individual “self” is a constantly evolving entity. Choosing your partner well and “working” on your adult relationships…offers a second chance to become happy and secure as an adult…even if your child hood was not so great

Finding Someone You Can Be Securely Attached To

Searching for the right person to build a life with is a seriously important task. Although it is tempting to make this choice based on strong physical attraction, this is not a wise idea.  Physical attraction is just one small part of true intimacy…and it just won’t carry you through the difficult times that are inevitable with the passing of time.  Here are some questions you can ask yourself as you attempt to weed out people who just won’t work out in the long run.

Questions To Ponder:

1. Can I really talk to this person and know that they truly are listening. Do I feel comfortable revealing my shortcomings and vulnerabilities?
2. Does this person show empathy for the “story” of my past…that is the events that helped “shape” who I am now?
3. Does this person demonstrate the ability to be emotionally “present” for me in times of stress? Can I do the same for him/her?

Answering yes to all of these questions is a good sign that you have found someone who you will be able to have a sustained long term relationship with. This is true even if your childhood attachments were not always positive and secure. If your “yes” is a little more tentative…then you know which parts of your relationship need work.  The “work” will be worth it though, and will help heal those childhood wounds.

Online dating is a project that is not without awkwardness and heartbreak.  Put simply, there are instances where the “match” does not work out for one or both parties and genuine feelings are involved. Hurt feelings and confusion about what to say are inevitable, but there are some guidelines that may help both parties feel respected and heard during the process of ending a relationship.

Guidelines:

Don’t Drag it Out

If you are the one ending the relationship, even if it’s a relationship of short duration, it may feel easier to let things go on beyond when you really know that its not for you.  It may feel, in the moment, like you are sparing the feelings of your partner…but actually you are more likely just avoiding your own feelings. It’s not comfortable to feel responsible for causing another person pain, so sometimes it’s easier to postpone that feeling within yourself.  So…. have some courage and do the right thing.  Its better for you both in the long run

End The Relationship In Person, not via Cyberspace

The widespread use of texting and other messaging methods for “ghosting” people or outright breaking up with them is the ultimate in disrespect in my view. Please…have the courtesy to talk to the other person in person…in the flesh.  Relationship termination conversations may feel awkward, but they can be done in such a way as to preserve the integrity of both of you.

Take Time With Yourself After The Breakup To Figure Out What Went Wrong

Healthy relationships are at the very core of a long and happy life.  This truth has now been borne out by “happiness” research.  It’s also true that we, as human beings, tend to repeat patterns in terms of whom we choose to be in relationship with, and how long our relationships last. Sometimes the patterns are dysfunctional and keep causing us heartbreak.  It’s worthwhile to take a look at what your “patterns” are and try to change them.

Forgive Yourself, Learn From Your Mistakes, Change Your Perspective

It’s not the mistakes we make in life that are the problem. It’s our refusal, sometimes, to learn from them.  In the case of a relationship ending, the first step toward healthy growth is to get rid of the word “failure”. Think instead of life being a series of relationships that come and go…much like actors on a stage that have “parts” of varying duration. A play moves along with a narrative wherein each “actor” moves the story along, and all the “parts” are important.

When you adopt the perspective that your “relationship” life consists of a unique series of people who will come and go…sometimes with the sadness of loss…sometimes not…then you can fully embrace “the one” who finally “stays” for a while. You can say to yourself  “Wow…. here you are at exactly the right time.  Welcome to my life!”

When you are dating online, the first “in person” encounter can be anxiety provoking. Who is this person that I am meeting for the very first time? What lies beneath the surface of who he/she appears to be? How do I access information about how this individual would really be “in relationship”, and how can I asses, relatively quickly if this could be the right person for me?

Ask The Right Questions

The answer is that you need to be ready with a series of “open ended” questions for your potential partner. The questions you ask on this first date are the key to discovering “red flags” that may not be immediately evident. By “red flags” I mean warning signals that this may not be a good person for you. Often, when we first meet someone we feel flooded by feelings of physical attraction. Physical attraction is great for the initial stages of a relationship, but it’s not the ingredient that sustains relationships in the long run…not ever.

What Are The Right Questions, What are the Red Flags?

Meeting a person for the first time, the most obvious question is “what do you do?”, or where do you live? These are easy “small talk” questions that may break the ice, but don’t really tell you much about someone. Far more important is to find out who this person is “in relationship”. How many relationships have they been in…. and most important…how did the relationship break up? “Break up” stories are the most important source of information there is about how someone fares in relationship…the story itself may be your first “red flag”.

Red Flag Break Up Stories

So, what do you “listen for” in a “break up” story?
I think you are trying to discern weather there is any sense of “mutual responsibility” for why the relationship did not work. If your storyteller presents with a “victim” mindset, for example, you may be dealing with someone who either allows him/her self to be “bulldozed over” in relationship…. or someone who just does not take personal responsibility. In either case, this could be a “red flag” for how a relationship might progress with you.

An Additional Red Flag To Look For

The other broad category of “red flag” on a first date is just someone who is not ready to begin dating again. If your “previous relationship” conversation is dominated by bitter ex husband or ex-wife stories this often means that this relationship “loss” is not yet worked through sufficiently. You then become the “rebound” relationship as you constantly deal with the presence of a third party.

Its All About Mindful Awareness

Awareness of “red flags” is not about discouraging you from this grand adventure of finding the right person. To the contrary its about acknowledging that we each have the ability to know when things may be emotionally dangerous for us and then to act accordingly. It’s about “self care” in the truest and deepest sense.

If you are interested in dating online but are afraid that this is a “younger” persons game…think again.  In many ways you are actually in a better position to take maximum advantage of this modern method of finding a “soul” partner than people who are younger than you.  Here are five of these ways.

You Are Older and Wiser and have had many life experiences

Life experience counts when it comes to meeting new people. Chances are that you have already been in relationships and you know the kind of people who you generally get along with.  You are able to spot “red flags” of people who pose danger or are “toxic” to you.

You Have Developed A Strong Sense of  Who You Are

Generally, the older we get the better we know ourselves. By 50, we pretty much know the values that we hold in life, and we have developed a strong inner core that is unchangeable and non-negotiable.  When we meet someone who “clashes” too strongly with this inner sense of self…we know this pretty quickly.  It’s the wrong person for us to be with

“Companionship” is now much more about your “Authentic” Self

Look at teenagers or “twentysomethings”.   Notice how much time and attention is put towards superficial issues such as the way someone looks. This gets in the way of getting to know someone from the “inside” out.  A lot of time is wasted in discovering that an attractive appearance can hide a very unattractive inner self.

As an older dater, the issue is no longer anyone’s biological clock

At 50 or older the chances are that you have already formed a family biologically and/or through your friends and your extended family. The pressure is therefore lifted and you can take your time to get to know someone in a way that is both relaxed and through.

Hormones and “chemistry” are not such a central part of attraction

Because the human race is programmed for reproduction, the brain chemicals of attraction largely determine “mating” during the reproductive years.  The intense urge to “hook up” and the intense good feeling of sex confuse the issue of whether you are actually with the right person. All of this fades, as we get older and slows down the process of “falling in love”.  If this relationship does not work out…. it’s not so devastating. Your world will not fall apart

Some people have a lot of resistance to the idea of online dating. They give a lot of reasons, but one of the most interesting is this idea that a person may become too entrenched in the “single” life. The question is: “Am I too single to date? The thought is that maybe we can become too “radically self-reliant”, too “independent” and/or “strong willed” to think of allowing another person into our lives. The fear is that if we allow another person to share our lives, maybe that other person will keep us from being our own true self.

I’d like to flip this idea on its head and suggest that if you are very independent and know how to take care of yourself, this can actually be a great asset in terms of finding the right person to date.

First of all, if you are financially independent and maybe even live on your own, this means you know how to take care of yourself. You are not then looking to find someone to take care of you, It is a position of strength to not desperately need someone but rather just to want someone. If you are invested in your own independence, you will probably be looking for someone who also values his/her independence. It evens the “playing field” and makes it possible to start out on an equal footing,

Secondly, if you have been “single” for a while, it usually means you have spent time figuring out who you are and what you want. You know, for example, what your “non negotiables” are when it comes to finding someone you can spend time with. Maybe you can’t bear to be with someone who smokes, for example. You can be very assertive in online dating about just saying this outright. Who are you and what do you really want?

My last point is that when you are dating as someone who is decidedly “single” you have the gift of time, which is probably the greatest gift of all. You can take things slow and easy as you figure out who is right for you. Even the “biological clock” doesn’t have to rush you. We are in a world of modern alternatives for making a family.

So…. go for it…get started with online dating. As human beings we are built to be social. We do well in relationship. This is well documented in studies of Happiness cross culturally.

If you are out of practice…that’s Ok. Online dating is all about practice…and you have the time