In a previous blog, I mentioned the importance of listening with empathy in order to achieve true “inside” understanding of how another person experiences the world. “Practice makes perfect” definitely applies to building your skill level, but I thought I’d provide some additional “tips” to maximize your learning curve.

KNOW YOURSELF:  It can be difficult to listen to someone when the emotional intensity is high and you find yourself overwhelmed by content. The truth is that each of us is different in terms of how well we can process someone else’s emotional pain. So, it’s important to know your “limits” and also what particular information might “trigger” you because you might have experienced something similar. In this sense, “self care” is important. Be mindful of your emotional vulnerabilities and remember the adage about “putting your own oxygen mask on first” before trying to help someone else. In this case your “oxygen mask” just means checking in with yourself about how you are doing.

ADOPT A CURIOUS AND OPEN STATE OF MIND:  It is nearly impossible for any of us to listen to someone without bringing our own set of assumptions and possible biases into the mix. As much as possible, its important not to let these assumptions and biases affect your ability to empathize. So, stay curious and remember…this person is not you. If you truly don’t “get” what’s   going on with someone. . don’t worry.  What’s important is that you “get” what they are feeling, and you are willing to be present with them as they feel it.

BE WILLING TO BE WRONG ABOUT HOW YOU SEE SOMETHING 

Often when we think that we really “do” understand what someone is going through, we feel compelled to offer some “advice” about what they should do. The truth is though, you may be right…but you could be wrong. Be sure you offer your “advice” as a “hypothesis” rather than a “conclusion”, if indeed advice is what is desired. Check this out too.  If you do give your thoughts and you are not “hitting the mark” let the other person “correct” you, and you will both grow in understanding.

WATCH OUT FOR BURNOUT, PACE YOURSELF, AND FEED YOUR OWN EMOTIONAL LIFE

Those of us in the “helping” professions know all too well, how important it is for us to replenish our own emotional life so that we have enough to give to others. The best thing you can do in this regard is to engage in creative activities that bring you joy, satisfaction, and the ability to express yourself. This is not “selfishness” as some of us have been led to believe…but is instead quite the opposite in that you are allowing others to become the beneficiaries of your overflow as you convey hope, joy, and optimism to all you come into contact with. Positive feelings, after all, are very contagious. And it’s the best kind of contagion there is.

In an earlier blog, I spoke of the vital importance of listening deeply in order to achieve deep understanding of how another person might feel. So….how does listening help us to understand?  The answer is empathy. The ability to empathize is key to truly “getting” another person.

So…what exactly is empathy? 

Social science researchers who study “emotion” generally agree that empathy means the ability to sense and identify correctly the emotions of others, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling.  I love this definition because it goes deeper than just “sensing” how someone else might feel, and leads the listener into the imaginative exercise of entering into another persons’ inner world to appreciate how the world might look and feel inside that person.  This exercise creates the “felt” sense of emotional connection between speaker and listener, and becomes the foundation for a lasting and sustaining relationship. 

Can empathy be taught and learned?

Yes! Empathy is one of the most important skills that make up “emotional intelligence”.  It turns out that success in life has at least as much to do with good Emotional Intelligence as it does with our intellect. The good news is that just practicing careful “open” listening and allowing your imagination to wonder how another person might feel actually builds the emotional “muscle” to really create that understanding.  In addition to this…you can check out with the person you are trying to understand to see if you “got it right”.  You need only “hypothesize” about how you think it “might” feel and check out this hypothesis. The truth is that when someone cares enough to try and understand us, we are often happy to clarify our feelings. As an added bonus to the speaker, we begin to understand ourselves better when we describe a feeling to someone else. We are in fact “clarifying” our own feelings to ourselves.

And always…Be Present

The building of an “empathic bond” between two people in relationship is only possible when both people are fully “present” to each other. This means each speaker is making a conscious effort to set aside all other concerns and distractions and is devoting the time and attention to the understanding of his/her partner, friend, or family member. Take the time that it takes and be in the right “headspace” to receive.

What About When Feelings Expressed Are Intense or Frightening?

Understanding does not always come easily in our conversations with others especially when we hear things that may seem unfamiliar, frightening, or intense. If you are patient though, you will find that when another person is able to name how they feel, it’s the first step to taming how they feel. It may take awhile for your “speaker’ to arrive at the exact nature of the feelings because often there are feelings covering up other feelings. 

Stick With It…. It’s Well Worth the effort

The investment of time spent gaining a full understanding of the inner life of a person you care about, will pay off for you…. sometimes in the form of a lifelong friendship…or sometimes in the form of your life partner. Either way…you win